"Are we okay?"
"What happened to us, Sungjae?"
"I can't remember the last time I heard you laugh, Sungjae."

"Stop. It doesn't matter." he said while tucking her stray hair behind her ear. "You're beautiful. Don't ever forget that."

------

Those questions, that scene kept playing over and over in her head whenever she spaced out. You asked for it, Sooyoung. You wanted it too, she told herself. Everytime she recalled that night, she'd always have these thoughts to herself. Stupid! You're stupid, Sooyoung! Before she knew it, tears welled up and she'd start to cry in silence.

This was a vicious cycle for her, driven by regret. Regret of not following the tiny voice that night that pleaded for her not to let go. That tiny voice came from her heart. But her brain said otherwise and won the battle, backed up by the numbness of exhaustion.

------

May 2015

It's been a week since their last taping for their reality show, but they still kept in touch. They went out for lunch almost everyday that week. And every single day, Joy kept holding herself back from telling him how she felt. They enjoyed each other's company so much, and she was afraid to let her confession ruin what they had. Why would Yook Sungjae like someone like me? He could have anyone he wanted, she thought, and I'm way out of his standards. Besides, he'd think I'd be kidding around for saying it too much on the show.

"What's up with you?" he asked over dinner. "Huh? Oh. Nothing," Joy lied. "Sooyoung-ah, I know you too well now. Don't lie. What's bugging you?" Sungjae persisted.

"Yah, Sungjae! There's still a lot you don't know about me. Besides, you wouldn't be able to help me anyway," she snapped back at him. "Says who? You're forgetting, naneun neoui oppa ya!" Joy couldn't help but roll her eyes and laugh. "Kaja, I'm taking you back to your dorm. You're probably just tired." Sungjae got up and offered his hand. Joy casually placed her hand on his, but was startled when he pulled her up playfully. "Yah!" she screamed, but his laughter drowned it out.

"Sooyoung-ah, are you sure you're okay? You haven't said a thing since we left," he asked while keeping his eyes on the road. "Are you sick?" he continued as he reached out to feel her forehead. "Yeah, I'm sick Sungjae.." she trailed off. "Jinja? Let's stop by the pharmacy to get you some meds."

"Shut up! I'm not that kind of sick. I'm sick and tired! Of  playing this game, of holding back! I like you! Geez! How long are we gonna keep this up, Sungjae?"

Ugh! What did you just do, Joy?! You're done for! she told herself.

Silence. Why isn't he saying anything? Way to go, Joy! she thought to herself.

"Are you done?" he calmly asked, still focused on his driving. Joy nodded. "Do you feel better that you let that out?" She nodded again. "That's a relief then. I thought you caught some virus or something," he joked. He turned his head while laughing but abruptly stopped when he saw Joy glaring at him.

"Mianhae. It's still a relief, Sooyoung-ah."

"Wae?"

"I liked you since the day I met you," he said shyly, as they pulled up in front of RV's dorm. What the heck did he just say? Joy thought as she fiddled with her hand.

Awkward silence filled the air.

"Look, you didn't have to say you liked me back just because.." she trailed off as she felt his cold hands cupping her cheeks. Her spine tingled when she felt his thumb brush over her lips softly to shush her.

"I've wanted to hear that from you for God knows how long. I never could figure out if all those times you told me that was for the sake of the show."

------

Tears welled up in her eyes as she recalled that night. Now all she could do was cling on to that memory. All she could do was ask herself, What if?