The sun was grazing the horizon with soft golden rays as the frosting cold of December bit at his cheeks. His lips were hugging a cigarette tightly, seeking a minimum warmth even if it caused his body serious damage. He watched the water of the Busan beach wash over the shore in harsh big waves, the sky was quickly filling out with clouds in a signal of possible rain, hiding most of the rays of the sunrise.

Jungkook sat on the cold damp sand, taking drag after drag of the smoke that filed his lungs and clouded his head. His eyes were dull and his fingers were a pale shade of violet from the harsh cold but he felt numb to it. His chest clenched in the agony of the memories the beach brought to him. Jungkook was sure he was a little bit self destructive, if the cigarettes weren't proof enough. He didn't know why he came back every December.

He has long gone gave up on moving on.

Everything hurt, so might as well torture himself more, he thought. He was past the stage of caring about himself, despite his old healthy life, he has fallen into a lot of bad habits. He no longer cared what was good for him, every way that would numb his heartache he would gladly take. He would run on the treadmill and lift weights in the mini gym he built in his apartment until his muscles burned in pain, only to go to the balcony and burn his lungs with tobacco. He would drive Changkyun home on Monday nights, only to go back home and drink himself unconscious. He would go out with his friends to random clubs and go home with a petite girl or boy, making sure they look like ‘him’ for a short fantasy, only to take the walk of shame as soon as he pulls out of their bodies, standing under the shower later with a growing hole in his chest.

After the first 2 years of being divorced, he would go to Busan every December. December held so many dates, memories. It was his most self damaging act he tortured himself with, where he would lay on his hotel bed almost choked out and unable to breathe with the rising panic attack that would take over him at least twice during his 2 weeks stay. The second week is where he feels the most void, numb and emotionless. He would go down to the beach every morning at 4 am, where the temperature is at its lowest, he would watch the sunrise and smoke, where his every thought is washed away with the waves grazing the damp sand, leaving his head blank.

Jungkook heads back to his hotel room at 6 am to pack up and head back to Seoul. It was December 27th, which means it’s Changkyun’s 14th birthday. The boy had begged him every year to spend Christmas together, even his ex husband agreed for he wanted his son to spend such holidays together with his father but Jungkook would refuse. He couldn’t bare staying at the obnoxiously big mansion for longer than the 10 minutes when he would pick up his son on the weekends. Jungkook would go back home on the morning of his son’s birthday of course, because no amount of heartbreak would keep him from celebrating the day Chnagkyun was brought up to the world and made his life happier, or a tad bit less miserable now. Mater of fact, the only time he would stand to stay at the mansion for more than 10 minutes is at his son’s latest birthday parties that are held there, where he would stick around for an hour or so before he runs out of the door as soon as his Changkyun blows the candles off.

Jungkook gets to Seoul at 11h30 am, which meant he still had enough time to unpack, take a shower and go fetch his son a birthday gift. For the moment he got under the streaming water, he closed his eyes, losing himself in his thoughts the way he does so often; especially at this time of the year. If you had asked him 13 years ago if he had ever expected his life to turn out this way, he would have either laughed in your face or punched it broken. It was almost comical how things have turned out where 13 years ago he had thought he had found eternal happiness, at least that’s what they promised each other back then. The water started getting cold but he didn't care, the firelike pain in his chest barely evened out with the cold of the shower head. He finally got out when he remembered he still had a present to buy and an event to attend.

He quickly got dressed in his black ripped pants, a black button up, black Timbs and a dark grey blazer to add a little formality to his careless looking outfit. He styled his short hair upwards with a little bit of gel and didn’t mind shaving. He stopped shaving a long time ago, he only got a trim once in two weeks to keep him from looking like a homeless person. He grabbed his wallet, car keys and phone before he exited his apartment.

Jungkook remembered Changkyun’s new found interest in music lately, and how he told him that his music teacher is teaching him how to produce different beats and sounds. He remembers his excitement when he would shove and earphone a little too roughly in his ear to show him his latest track, or how he asked him sheepishly for extra allowance money because he was saving to buy equipment to build his little studio. He made his way to a local music supply store and bought him a keyboard and a midi device. His wallet definitely complained but the thought of his son’s happy smile made it so worth it.

Jungkook parked in front of the huge gate and took a deep breath, he hasn't seen him in two weeks. His heart hammered in his chest, not wanting to be here, especially not wanting to see them together, but he had to for the sake of his son. He got out and slammed the door of his jeep a little too harsh. He opened the trunk with his wrapped gift that obviously looked like a keyboard so the wrapping was unnecessary.

“Morning Jeon.” The gate guard greeted as he opened the gate for him, Jungkook greeted him back with half a smile, he liked him, they often shared a a pack of cigarettes at 11 pm when Jungkook drops Changkyun off at the end of the weekend. They didn't talk much, but jungkook finds his company rather pleasant exactly for the fact that he didn’t try to keep small talk going.

Jungkook could hear the loud sound of music and talking from outside the house, the party was held at the backyard by the pool, but a lot of people prefer to hang out inside escaping the harsh cold of December. The door was opened by an overly excited changkyun who jumped into his father’s embrace.

“DAD!” Jungkook tried to balance his son with his right arm as he was still holding the present with the left one, but his long old career and his gym addiction made it an easy task.

“Happy birthday baby” Jungkook said as he set him down, ruffling his hair as changkyun whined in embarrassment, trying to brush his hand off.

“What? You'd always be my baby even when you’ll be in your twenties with a beard and all.”

“Ew dad, I’m too pretty to ever have a beard” Changkyun said while rolling his eyes.

“Are you saying that I’m ugly?” Jungkook said with a fake scandalized look that made his son break into a fit of giggles.

“Kind of” Changkyun said still laughing, Jungkook quickly grabbed him, attacking him with merciless tickles until the boy was out of breath repeating “Okay you’re handsome” over and over again.

If there was one thing Jungkook was happy about, is maintaining a close relationship with his son, through all the ups of his life, he made damn sure he wouldn’t up as a parent, although he thinks the divorce was a big up in his parenting. But moments like this make him feel a bit grateful and less suicidal.

“I got you a gift” Jungkook handed Changkyun the wrapped keyboard that had the 14 year old Jumping in excitement, “Oh my god you got me a keyboard?” The boy looked down at the present with stars in his eyes and Jungkook’s heart warmed up, just like he expected.

“Hey the gift is wrapped how did you guess?” Jungkook asked with a joking tilt to his rough voice, Changkyun pounced on him once again for another bear hug chanting thank yous over and over.

“Anything for you baby”

“Daddy look what dad got me!” Changkyun turned around to look at the other male leaning on the door frame, Jungkook turned to lock eyes with him.

There he was, his ex husband and the love of his life, looking nothing older than 22 despite witnessing 35 years on earth, looking as beautiful as ever and Jungkook’s skin itched with the need to leave.

Jimin smiled at his son and telling him that it’s a pretty great gift, Chnagkyun told him that he’s going to go show it to Jooheon and Wendy before he ran inside the house excitedly. He gave Jungkook one last hug the had something drop out of his pocket before leaving the two adults in a silence colder than the breeze of early winter.

“You’re late Jungkook, he almost thought you weren't coming.” Jungkook turned to look at shorter male with a tight smile and replied:

“Hello to you too Minnie.”

“You don’t get to call me that anymore.”

“Oh sorry, you know old habits are hard to get rid off” Jungkook said with fake gasp, the tight smile a permanent grimace of his face.

“It’s been 8 years..”

“Has it? Sorry I lost count” If there was something he enjoyed doing was getting under Jimin’s skin, there was nothing more satisfying than seeing his old husband reddening in anger and frustration. Just like he was doing now, trying to look for a comeback but failing like always. His eyes caught the item the fell off Jungkook’s pocket, recognizing the white and red packaging of the Marlboro pack of cigarettes.

“I hope you’re not smoking around my son.” It was a low blow, they both knew it, Jimin cringed at his choice of words but it managed to wipe the bitter smile of the younger’s face.

“He’s my son too Jimin, I hope you still acknowledge that” Jungkook said with cold eyes as he picked the pack and put back in his pocket.

“He’s right sweetheart, Jungkook is a good father” a middle aged man around the height of Jimin joined the divorced couple outside, slinging an arm around Jimin’s waist, giving Jungkook a smile faker than the words he just spit for the sake of decency.

“See? Even Jinseok agrees.”

“It’s Jongseok”

“Whatever, can I come in or what?”

“Sure thing man” Jimin’s Boyfriend said as the 3 made their way inside. Jungkook headed for the bar instantly -of course the rich motherer had a bar with a bartender and all- ordering a glass of whiskey before he felt the light hit of Jimin’s elbow on his bicep.

“Drinking hard liquor in front of minors is inappropriate” He hissed and Jungkook smiled down at him and said:

“Course honey, how could I forget.” Jungkook took a flute of champagne from a passing waiter, downing half of hit down his throat with no change in his expression before looking at the elder again:

“Am I fancy enough for your guests now?” Jimin just ignored him and Jungkook chuckled lightly as they turned to see Jongseok standing in front of the guests, smiling with a mic in his hand:

“Can I get your attention for a moment please”

Jungkook rolled his eyes and whispered to Jimin: “God he’s so dramatic, would have never guessed short bald rich guys were your type Jiminie, Be honest and tell me you’re planning on killing him and make it look like an accident so you can inherit his fortune, if that’s the case I'll help you, and we can split the profits.”

“Shut the up Jungkook!” Jimin whisper yelled, making the younger laugh louder in amusement. They both turned their attention back to Jongseok who was still talking.

“As I was saying, Changkyun means the world to me and I’m honored to have such a joy live under my roof, therefore I tried to give him a gift that is meaningful and would help him achieve his dreams.” Jongseok gave a set of keys to Changkyun who looked at him curiously.

“Go upstairs and open the guest room next to your bedroom”

“What? Is it the room that was under construction while we were on Christmas vacation?”

“Yes, welcome to your new studio kiddo” Jongseok said with a smile that disgusted Jungkook so much his stomach flipped in the need to throw up and anger boiled hot in the bulging veins on his arms.

“Oh my ing god!-”

“Language Changkyun!” The crowd irrupted in laughter at Jimin’s comment in such a situation which made his cheeks redden in embarrassment, the 14 year old boy only smiled bigger as he hugged Jongseok :

“Thank you Hyung thank you thank you thank you..”

“It’s the least I can do as your future father kiddo”

Jungkook felt his heart stop and a cold sweat to break across the back of his neck at the ugly sound of Jongseok’s voice saying those words that opened unhealed wounds in Jungkook’s heart.

“Jooheon, Wendy! Come on let’s go!” Changkyun was jumping in excitement ad he rushed his best friends upstairs. Jungkook turned to Jimin with eyes that could kill and spat his words that tasted like leaving his mouth.

“What the does he mean by future father?”

Jimin jumped in fear from the tone of his ex husband, not being able to hold his gaze as he muttered: “Jungkook we need to talk, come outside with me.”

“Jungkook, me and Jongseok are engaged.”

Jungkook didn’t wanna believe what he was hearing, it felt like Jimin was asking for divorce all over again, he felt like he was hearing about the whole boyfriend thing and moving in with him all over again and he didn’t know how much heartbreak he can really take anymore. He felt paralyzed from the pain shooting from his chest and spreading through his veins.

“What the Jimin?”

“I’m sorry..”

“Are you ting me right now? Are you seriously apologizing to me because you’re marrying another man? I ing waited for you for 8 years Jimin. 8 ing years I spent with the hope that you will come back!”

“Jungkook-” Jimin take a step forward only to take two backwards when the younger shouted in his face, grateful for the loud music of the party that blocked the ugliness of one of their many fights.

“I spent every night of the first year after I left my job, questioning why you’re not coming back, you hated what I did for a living and gave it up effortlessly and I don't even ing miss it, how could I miss the one thing that took the love of my life away, but you didn't come back, you never did. How ing stupid of me for holding on to something so hopeless. You’ve never loved me.”

“Jungkook that’s not true and you know it. But I couldn’t I just couldn’t. I feel safe with Jongseok for the first time in years, something I didn't feel with you ever since our college years, you know I love you Jungk-”

“STOP! Don't ing say that please you’re killing me Jimin. And no I don’t ing know!” Jungkook didn't realize the tears streaming down his face, a feeling so familiar and bitter it was almost funny. He was losing it, he was losing every bit of reason that would give him the will to keep breathing and his lungs begged to stop, for they were as tired as he was.

“Dad?” The faint voice of Changkyun made both parents turn to his direction, the boy was crying and Jungkook hated himself. He was the worst father, what kind of father made his son cry on his own birthday?

“Come here baby..” Changkyun ran to the strong arms of his father that felt so weak right now, Jungkook dropped to his knees and pulled his son that cried harder against his chest.

“Y-you’re my dad not him, n-never him and never a-anyone else” Changkyun said as he used his small hands to wipe the tears from Jungkook’s face, only for them to stream harder at his son’s words. Another tiny piece of his heart broke off and Jungkook felt like changkyun’s tiny hands were the only thing attempting to keep it together, but they were small, incredibly small.

“I’ll use the keyboard you gave me forever o-okay? I don't even like the one in the studio, please don't cry dad I love you so much!”

“I love you too baby, more than anything in this entire universe. Now please return to your friends, they’re waiting for you and I’m sure you don't want them to see you cry”

Changkyun held his father for a little longer before he went back inside, wiping his own tears away.

“I’m leaving. I hope you’re happy Jimin I really do.” Jungkook got up and walked towards the gates.

“Jungkook please..”

He heard Jimin and he knew the elder was crying without needing to look at him , his first instinct was to go and comfort him, but the elder’s tears were shards of glass that will cut through Jungkook’s hands as soon as they make contact with his soft skin. Jimin didn't even know what he was pleading for, all he knew was even if they walked in different directions, the pieces of their hearts were left scattered all over the porch of the mansion.

 

 

 

 

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Jungkook opened the door of his apartment at 1 am to the old gang of his friends from work, he was tipsy from beer and leaned against the door before smiling at his friends:

“Jiminie is getting married.”

His friends weren't shocked. They didn't pity him nor did they give him half assed apologies. Seokjin smiled sadly and held up the 7 boxes of pizza in his hands and said:

“I brought food”

“I brought booze” Yoongi said with a smirk.

“I brought weed” Taehyung said with his rectangular smile that didn't quite reach his eyes but it provided the comfort Jungkook needed.

“I can't believe you’re the same person who fights drug dealing gangs” Namjoon shook his head with a smile.

“Weed is healthy hyung, it’s legal in America, Korea is just too strict.” Taehyung argued with a pout.

“True that” Hoseok added as he pulled Jungkook into a tight hug while the others went inside the apartment. Jungkook knew he wasn't gonna be okay, but for tonight he can pretend while he gets 2on with his closest friends that were more than family.