A/N: SMALL MENTION OF SUICIDE/SUICIDAL THOUGHTS IN LAST PART. <3

*

Joy was all I could think about for the days on end after that.

Even while typing away the few emails to customers asking the same dreary questions, even while Dahyun snapping at me for the bare minimum, even while Joohyun talking to me about how she can't stand it here or why her thighs just won't shape right, all I could think of was Joy and her heaven-sent voice and her beautiful smile and how she made me feel.

I refused to believe I was in love because I was too scared. Too scared to accept it. 'Fear of the unknown'. It wasn't until Joohyun asked me about it when I began to question it, reflect on the possibility.

'Y'know Seulgi, you're really happy these days,' she said in a thoughtful voice, sticking stamps onto the pile of envelopes to be delivered.

'I am?' I said casually, unable to hold back my smile. But it's true, I just was.

She looked at me strangely, peeling off another stamp to reveal the sticky side. 'Yeah. You were even smiling when Dahyun was giving you another talking to.' A pause. Hesitation. She wants to ask but doesn't know how. 'What's... on your mind?'

I felt I couldn't say it. How exactly could I say I was intoxicated with someone I encountered once in some mystical garden? Joohyun... I don't even know her.

'C'mon, Seul.' She stuck the last stamp on the envelope and turned to face me, an eyebrow raised. 'Friends tell each other all their secrets, you know.'

Friends.

I opened my mouth and closed it again. Make it up.

'Have you met someone?' She lifted the stack of envelopes and dumped them in the bicycle basket.

Lie!!! 

'No.'

Joohyun raised another eyebrow, and grinned mischieviously. She squeezed my cheek. 'You have!! You're blushing. Who is it?' She then gasped. 'Are you in love?'

'Girls! Hurry up in there!' Dahyun barked from her office.

I grabbed the other stack and fitted them into my basket, hoping Joohyun would give up.
She didn't.

'Seulgiiii! Who is it!!' she badgered as we wheeled our bikes through the corridor. Why was she so desperate?

'Joohyun, I haven't met anyone! You know I don't go outside..' I laughed, trying to make it humurous. 'I'm just happy for no reason. Can we drop it now, please?'

Joohyun shrugged in reluctant agreement, and finally shut up about it. But what she said had left a permanent question in my head that wouldn't stop spinning round and around. 

Am I in love?

Jung Yerin is my manager and only friend in this world.

'Joy! They want you downstairs. Another meeting.' She whispered my secret name, peeking her head around my door, clipboard in hand.

I rolled my eyes. 'Another?'
'Yeah.' Her face turned to empathy. 'Sorry.'

I sighed and stood up, strutting towards the door.

'Your extensions! Don't forget the extensions!'

Where would I be without Jung Yerin? 

'Right...'

I grabbed my black clip-ins and pinned them in place, transforming my chic bob into her long, shiny waves, added a few spots of makeup.

I became Park Sooyoung in a matter of minutes.

I turned back to Yerin, putting on my game face. She gave me a thumbs up. 

'Well, let's get this over with.'

I walked down the hallway behind Yerin; everybody passing bowed to me and stopped for me and smiled at me like I was the Queen. Like I was my father. The last person I would ever want to be.

We arrived at one of the thousand meeting rooms and Yerin opened the door for me; I gave her a secret smile as I passed. She really does a lot for me.

Everybody was already there when I walked in and they stood up as I approached an empty chair in the middle. I could see some business men I recognised, some I didn't, and of course my father at the head of the table.

'Hello, gentlemen,' I said descreetly, sitting down and trying to keep my annoyance of being here covered by a mask of professionalism.

The men mumbled a response a took their seats. My father got started immediately.

'Miss Park, there is an offering of an ambassador position for you,' he began, looking through papers.

See, that's one thing my father does that makes him feel even less like my father. Never approaches me with my first name. Always 'Miss Park', and then goes on to avoid addressing me with any name. Not that I even like my name, but that's besides the point.

With all my might I kept my eyes from rolling completely and simply nodded. 'Lovely. Of course. Who would be offering this role to me, Father?' I say the word with revulsion. 'Again?' I couldn't help but add under my breath. Yerin struggled to stay serious beside me, tucking in her lips and half hiding behind her clipboard.

'The Department of Education,' he answered. 'They would like to meet with you this afternoon to accept the diplomat. Affirmation? But, of course,' he answered for me.

Huffily, I snapped back, my voice thick with sarcasm, 'Yes Father, of course I accept the diplomat.'

Yerin stifled a giggle beside me and a couple of the men smiled and looked down guiltily. The only person who can talk to Mr. Park Brands in that tone is me and I make well use of it.

He gave me a look which I blatantly ignored.

'Miss Jung, arrange the transport for 3pm today.'

'Of course,' she said, scribbling down the information on her clipboard. 'I will have a car ready to bring her there and back.'

There was a pause and I looked around the table expectantly.

'Is that it? Well, I shall make my leave as I am apparently being decided for anyway.' I noisily pushed back my chair and stood up, ignoring once again my father's look of displeasement. Well, sod to him. 'Good afternoon, gentlemen, Father.' I my heel and left, Yerin scuttling after me.

'Gosh, Jo-- Sooyoung, you're so savage,' she giggled, scurrying to catch up with me.

'Please.. if there was a man I could never see again without a care, it would be him. Honestly, what a waste of my time!' I declare, not caring who could hear me. 'And don't call me Sooyoung, you know I can't stand it.'

'Right.' She hesitated. 'I do feel bad for you, you know.'

I smiled but looked away. With such a lack of family and close friends in my life, empathy is something I will never get used to.

'I'll get us both out of here,' I said quietly, not even certain if she even heard. I looked up and found her looking at me inquisitively. 'I'm going to do some gardening.'

She nodded. 'I'll call you back at 2.'

==

Back in my peaceful garden after accepting the diplomat, makeup off, extensions dropped on the floor of my room where they belong, already a million text messages from Yerin about some press conference tomorrow but all I could think of...

...was Seulgi.

I snuck out at 10pm.

Without letting anyone, even Joohyun see me, I dressed myself in dark clothes and ventured out into the night. I had means of returning, I just had to get some air. The CCTV cameras are never checked anymore anyway.

Finally free and out in the air, I strode down the quiet street; the city was settling down for the night, with only the odd few cars and fellow strollers. The moon shone brightly in the sky, showing off its beauty among the stars in the clear night. Park Brands looked even more intimidating illuminated only by the streetlights. I stuffed my hands in my pocked and burrowed my chin further into my scarf.

It was late March but the winter coldness was still lingering. I wondered when it was finally going to warm again and suddenly I felt excited for the summer. My internship would be over and I was free to.... free to....

I still didn't know. 

I stopped on the bridge, looking down into the black river. The ink waters swirled and sneered. I remembered standing on this bridge 5 years ago, my mind rigged with thoughts of ending. Thoughts too dark to remember. Thoughts that sometimes still have the power to pull me back into their darkness.

It hasn't got any easier.

'Hi!'

My neck snapped up at the sound of a voice. A familiar voice. A familiar voice coming from a beautifully familiar face.

'Joy?' My voice was filled with happiness and surprise. How was she here?

She smiled the confirmation. She took a few more wandered steps towards me, a playful, endearing smile on her lips.

'How is that you are everywhere I go?'
I shrugged with a grin. 'I believe it's you who's everywhere I  go.'
'I'd like to see me try.'
'Oh, I don't think that would be too hard.'
'Wouldn't it?' Joy finished, looking at me with an enigmatic expression.

I scoffed and rolled my eyes, looking out again to the river. 'Where are we?' I asked myself out loud, a bit louder than I'd intended.

Joy paused. '...Seoul Bridge.'

Relationship wise, Joy.

I shook my head. Joy looked on inquisitively. I stared helplessly at the river, all my banter gone. I desperately tried to think of something witty to say but it's as if my brain stopped working.

'You're weird, Seulgi.' She caught my attention again. 'I like that.'

I smiled. 'That makes one of us.'

She actually snorted. Joy, laughing at something I said. I almost beamed with pride and then felt silly.

Then she glanced out at the river.

'Were you going to join it?' she said asked out of nowhere.

I looked up at her and immediately knew what she meant. Her sudden change to the subject threw me off guard. I shook my head, only a little unsure. She smiled again, but not in happiness this time, in compassion, comprehension. A small turn up of the lips and softness of the eyes and I felt more understood than I ever have been.

She gets it. She gets me.

'Then what were you doing?'

I looked at her a moment before responding. I still didn't know why she was here or why she was talking to me. I didn't really know anything when it came to Joy, to us.

'Oh, just getting some air. You?'
She shrugged. 'Needed to think. Can't do that at..... at home.

I nodded. There a comforted moment of silence. I wanted to ask her so much but the words wouldn't form. I just shyly watched her from under my hood. She was staring at nothing, like she did have a million things to think about.

'I can't do anything at home but tolerate it. You know what I mean? Just trying to live it out until I can be free. Whenever that'll be.'

I nodded slowly, trying to read her face for any sign of emotion to understand her, but it's as if she was wearing a mask.

'I don't know why I'm telling you this.' She finally looked into my eyes with this little smile and bright eyes and she looked so cute and her gaze trapped me, held me like an embrace and warmed my spirit to its core.

'It's okay,' I said shakily.
'It's weird. It's like I just trust you. I barely trust anyone, I don't even trust my manager this much-' Her breath caught, as if she said something she shouldn't have.

I felt my phone vibrate and Joy's eyes flickered to the lit up screen halfway in my pocket. I ignored it because I was fully distracted by what she just said. "My manager". Manager?? Joy has a manager? What on earth does she work as? Is she some celebrity I'd never heard of? Did some celebrity I barely know just tell me they trust me more than their manager?

'I'd better be going...' I heard myself whisper. I didn't want to leave but it was unbearingly cold now that I wasn't moving. And the mention of the manager was throwing me off. It made me feel like we were oceans apart. Worlds apart.

One word and Joy's visual embrace felt like nothing. My spirit went cold and empty.

Joy looked into my eyes. 'You always have somewhere to be, huh.'

My tired brain struggled to understand her comment. Was she hurt? Curious? Simply mentioning it as a fact?

'It's getting late.'
'Yes. Understood. Be on your way.' She presented me another grin that seemed to light up her whole face.

I gave her a small smile, because I was too confused and tired to think of something to say, and walked past her, slightly brushing against her as I did so. I felt her eyes on my retreating back as I walked back down the street.

*

Really, REALLY sorry for the long wait. Don't really know why or how but this chapter was hard to write and perfectionism + procrastination don't make it any easier. But I think I'm happy with the outcome. Thank you for being so patient. <3