A full bowl of cold, homemade stew glared back at Ryeowook from across the table. His own portion was already cold, too, but he never even intended to finish it. The untouched food he saw on the other side took away all his appetite.

 

”Kyuhyun,” Ryeowook called.

 

 

His voice echoed in the rooms, making it sound like he was drowning in emptiness. It made him feel even lonelier, which was ridiculous. He wasn’t alone.

 

”Kyuhyun, your food is getting cold.”

 

 

His voice was merely above a whisper now. He had already given up trying to shout for someone that didn’t want to listen.

 

With one last glance at his unfinished food, Ryeowook sighed and went to throw it away. Seeing his food wasted, even if by his own hands, made him frustrated. He wasn’t like this before. He wouldn’t throw away the food he had tried so hard to make if he was anything like the man he used to be.

 

But that was the thing. He had changed. He wasn’t who he used to be anymore. He was broken, mentally destroyed.

 

He cast an annoyed glance at the remaining bowl at the end of the table before going upstairs.

 

He walked towards the closed door and stopped to listen. Groans. Clicks of a computer mouse. Loud yells and strings of curses. Ryeowook almost wanted to laugh but the burning anger stirring inside of him wiped it off. He had long lost the humor.

 

He knocked. Knocked again. His patience got him through the third one before it cracked when he lifted his hand to knock for the fourth time. Still no reply. No 'come in' or questions of any kind. Just... Silence. Ryeowook pushed the door open and looked at the figure sitting by his laptop, totally immersed in his game while streaming another one on his desktop at the same time. It looked ridiculous, Ryeowook thought with a scoff.

 

He had called for him, called for Kyuhyun. But there he was, playing like nothing had happened. Nothing had happened. Ryeowook sat at the dinner alone and now he found him playing his stupid games again instead of coming to eat with him.

 

He should be used to the sting of hurt that followed the realization that he wasn't as important as some stupid, man-made game you could play online without spending half your salary on it. Then again, he shouldn’t even be surprised because that was exactly what Kyuhyun seemed to think of him as: Unimportant.

 

 

So why did he feel hurt? Why did disappointment and anger storm inside him with so much vigor when he knew nothing would change? It was as if his mind already knew there would be no change but his heart refused to believe it, whispering him lies while trying to cover the truth.

 

Maybe that was why he found himself hoping over and over again, somehow thinking that 'maybe tomorrow'. The cycle was never ending and he wondered if his heart knew he wouldn't be able to keep up with this for much longer.

 

”Food...” Ryeowook started but stopped. Why bother? He closed his mouth and did the same with the door as he backed away from the younger’s room.

 

 

Ryeowook went back to the kitchen.

 

The bowl was still there, mocking. And for a second he didn’t know what he was doing before he saw himself staring at his boyfriend’s food that was now thrown in the sink.

 

He had let the anger to take control but he didn’t even feel remorse. Not after all this.

 

”What are you doing?” came Kyuhyun’s annoyed voice from behind him. Ryeowook started to calmly wash the bowls.

 

”The dishes. I’m doing the dishes.”

 

”I’m not finished.”

 

Silence.

 

”I thought you were.”

 

A sigh.

 

Kyuhyun rubbed his hand against his face.

 

”What do you want from me Ryeowook?”

 

Raw emotions filled Ryeowook’s chest at that question. What did he want from him? Lips in a thin line, Ryeowook turned around and faced him.

 

”I want you to sit down and eat the food I make you.” A beat passed and before Kyuhyun could interject with something snarky, Ryeowook added, ”Warm food, Kyuhyun,” with a stern look.

 

”Well I can’t eat anything now, can I? You didn’t have to throw it away. I could have reheated it.”

 

It was not the same thing, Ryeowook wanted to shout. Tears threatened to fall and Ryeowook fought to keep them in. He didn’t want to cry. Not now. Not in front of him.

 

”I’m sure you can fix something to yourself.”

 

”Goddammit, Ryeowook! Do you always have to be in such a pissy mood? What have I done now? What?” Ryeowook stayed silent. Kyuhyun threw his hands in the air and grunted, ”What the heck do you want me to do?”

 

To be with me. To listen to me. To talk to me. Ryeowook wanted simple things. But then the switch inside of him got turned off.

 

Ryeowook looked up to him with fiery eyes, chin held up, challenging. ”I want you to come to eat when I call you to. I want you to eat with me, but instead you’re so obsessed with your games that you don’t even care!”

 

Kyuhyun scoffed, ”Is this what this was all about again? Me playing?”

 

No, Ryeowook thought. I just want to be with you. But Kyuhyun didn’t want to be with him. Feeling his throat tighten at the truth, Ryeowook dashed past Kyuhyun, tears streaming down his face. He ran to his room and slammed the door shut before falling down against it.

 

Why was he crying again?

 

 

Ryeowook was blankly staring at the objects in his kitchen. He felt so aloof in the only room that never gave him that kind of feeling before. His sanctuary. His favorite room. The room that would help him get rid of all the negative feelings, the room that used to offer the soothing effect.

 

Why had it changed?

 

He didn’t have time to think about it as he heard the door open. Kyuhyun had come home. Ryeowook walked to the living room where the younger was standing, taking off his jacket. Kyuhyun didn’t even acknowledge him there. He just threw his outerwear to the sofa since Ryeowook had taken a seat by the chair he usually put them on, and headed to the stairs.

 

 

”Are you really going to play again?”

 

 

His own quiet, faint voice caught Ryeowook off guard. It sounded almost unrecognizable to his own ears.

 

Kyuhyun stopped in the stairs.

 

”I just came from work, Ryeowook. Leave me alone.”

 

But Ryeowook didn’t want to be ignored again.

 

”Can’t you at least spend five minutes with me? Can’t you even greet me when you come home?”

 

”Hi, Ryeowook,” Kyuhyun said through gritted teeth. ”Happy?”

 

Ryeowook scoffed to hide the hurt and looked aside, ”What’s the point if you’ll do it so reluctantly.”

 

Kyuhyun inhaled deeply, trying to hold off his anger, ”Can’t you just leave me be? It’s not my fault that I have to work so hard.”

 

”If you’d just stop playing those stupid games and pay even just a little attention to me-”

 

”Well, excuse me if I have to work for the both of us while you stay home and laze around.”

 

If Ryeowook had been standing, he'd have collapsed on the floor. Even sitting down he could feel the air being punched out of his lungs. His face was so full of shock and disbelief that Kyuhyun felt a tinge of guilt in his heart for bringing it up.

 

”How... How dare you? You know it had nothing to do with me that I got fired! You know the circumstances! You know, you know and you still use that against me? How could you?” Ryeowook’s face was red from anger. He was fuming. He felt betrayed. The flashbacks of the hurt he had suffered through that time fueled his tears and he found it hard to breathe. Kyuhyun had told him it was okay, that he did the right thing for not letting that man come on to him. But now... He was blaming him for being scared for his life? He tried to ignore how wet his cheeks were and the small hiccups he tried to hold back. ”How could you?” he asked in a broken whisper before storming upstairs again.

 

 

Kyuhyun sighed and closed his eyes. He knew the impact of those words before he even said them out loud, but he was too agitated to care. He knew it wasn't a smart choice and would only end up hurting Ryeowook that already suffered from being inside the house 24/7.

 

Yet he hadn't stopped himself.

 

And like every time, Ryeowook ended up crying alone.

 

 

Ryeowook stared at the ceiling of his room. His mind was thinking of forbidden things, things that he didn’t want to think about. He didn’t want to think about Kyuhyun. Not his voice, not his face, not his touches, anything.

 

Their relationship was like toxic. They didn’t even have real conversations anymore. All they did was argue and cry, Ryeowook doing the latter alone after trying to beg Kyuhyun for even some attention, but all he got was irritated replies and arguments he didn't want to have. Kyuhyun just pressed all the wrong buttons.

 

Ryeowook was sure their relationship was past the point where they should part ways – this had been going on for too long already. But no matter how many times he played with the thought of leaving this house and never returning, Ryeowook would feel empty without Kyuhyun in his life, and although the younger did nothing with him, he was still a big part of it. Whether it was the lonely thoughts that he had of him, or the fights that made Ryeowook teary, Kyuhyun was there. In his life.

 

Maybe they were abusing love. Maybe this wasn’t what love was meant for. But they were too far in to put an end to it. After all, ending it would mean losing each other for real and neither of them seemed truly ready for that.

 

Ryeowook for sure wasn’t.

 

The door to his room creaked open and Kyuhyun walked in. Ryeowook didn’t even spare him a look but the younger didn’t seem to care. He crawled on Ryeowook's bed, towering over his small lover before his lips found Ryeowook’s neck, placing a gentle kiss there. Ryeowook didn’t react but at least he didn’t shove him away. Kyuhyun continued kissing him, moving from his neck to his face, tracing the shape of his cheekbones with his mouth.

 

Ryeowook tried to distract himself to not to give in. He tried to be strong, he tried to not to forgive him when he hadn’t asked for forgiveness. But his reluctance flew out of the window the moment Kyuhyun started nibbling his ears.

 

Ryeowook gave in.

 

 

Ryeowook was so done. He felt like crap. No, worse than that. Ryeowook felt like he was barely above 'nothing' in his life. He could hear Kyuhyun’s shouts from the distance and nothing made him feel lonelier than sitting there by himself, knowing he wasn't really alone but feeling like he was.

 

Ryeowook wondered why he was feeling lonelier than he did when he was still single. Despite not having a boyfriend for years after his break up with Yesung, he had never been even close to this lonely. At that time he had thought there was no way he could ever feel more alone, but now he did. Was it normal? Did this usually happen to other couples too?

 

Then a scary thought hit him. If Ryeowook was done with all of this himself, then just how done was Kyuhyun?

 

Were they both suffering from the same strain but still so differently? Did Kyuhyun hate Ryeowook? Did Ryeowook hate Kyuhyun? No, he didn’t. That much was clear. But he wasn’t sure what he felt for the boy. It wasn’t perhaps even love.

 

Numb with the sudden emptiness that spread inside him, Ryeowook got up and made his way upstairs. He knocked the door three times out of habit, then adding the fourth one for good measure as always, before just stepping in, ignoring the lack of answer.

 

”I want to talk to you.”

 

Kyuhyun didn't even hear him. Or maybe he did but he was just deliberately ignoring him, how could Ryeowook know. But he was sick and tired of this, the numbness helping him to do things he otherwise wouldn't be capable of. He walked to the cord connected to the desktop Kyuhyun was currently playing with. His eyes were nailed on the screen as Ryeowook walked past him, feeling like a ghost.

 

Was he that invisible?

 

Kyuhyun didn't even notice Ryeowook when he stood still right beside him for ten minutes, waiting, wishing to be noticed even once. He wasn't. Without mercy, Ryeowook tugged the cord out of the wall and watched as Kyuhyun's face turned anxious.

 

 

"I hadn't saved yet!"

 

Ryeowook had always thought he'd feel some sort of sick satisfaction when he fantasized about doing this, that he'd finally show Kyuhyun what mattered more: him or his games? In the most absurd version Kyuhyun's eyes would clear, a smile bloom on his face and he'd turn to Ryeowook and beg for forgiveness for having let a game blind him so that he had become to neglect the man he had vowed to love forever.

 

He felt nothing. Absolutely nothing.

 

"We need to talk," he repeated. Kyuhyun's head snapped to him, surprised to see him there. Anger flashed through his eyes when he realized what Ryeowook had done, but after his eyes met with his lifeless ones, he snapped his mouth shut.

 

He followed Ryeowook with his gaze as the older pushed past him and sat on the edge of his bed. How funny, Ryeowook came to think as he looked around on the bed. They had been dating for so long now yet they never actually slept together. They both had their own beds and own rooms. The house was too big for them.

 

Ryeowook hated it.

 

”What are we doing?” he asked the younger.

 

 

Puzzled, Kyuhyun looked at him,

 

”We’re sitting.”

 

Ryeowook let out a humorless chuckle. His mind travelled back to the time they first moved in. How he sat on the same exact bed, watching Kyuhyun talk excitedly about how this house would be perfect – big, expensive and maybe even tacky – but perfect. Back then he would've done anything to keep that look in his eyes. But now, Ryeowook wasn't even sure what color his eyes were. He blinked away the tears that threatened to fall again.

 

”No, what are we doing. You and me. Us.”

 

Kyuhyun stayed silent for a while, ”We’re living.”

 

”Are we? If we are just living, then why are we doing it together?”

 

”What do you mean?”

 

Ryeowook took a deep breath as nervousness washed over him. Was he really about to say the words he thought he was?

 

”What’s the point of us? Why are we together?”

 

Kyuhyun didn’t have an answer to that. Ryeowook saw this. The room was spinning and he felt like all the oxygen had been out of his lungs. That was all he needed. He stood up and stayed still for a moment, searching his mind. What exactly was he searching for, he didn’t really know. But he knew he was looking for some kind of reason to stay. To forget all this and pretend like he never got this stupid idea.

 

It sounded so tempting but Ryeowook wasn’t really sure if he could handle either option. Leaving and staying. He really didn’t know what was for the best. But even Kyuhyun couldn't find him a reason to stay or he would've said something. It was Kyuhyun after all, he was never afraid of saying what he thought.

 

He turned his face to Kyuhyun, both of them solemn and silent. He tried to offer him a weak smile for probably the last time but his lips quivered and his heart was beating painfully inside his chest. He knew he couldn't stay, he had no reason to, but just when he was about to leave, Kyuhyun grabbed a hold of the end of his sleeve.

 

”W-what are you doing?”

 

Ryeowook asked himself the same thing. What was he doing? Why was he doing it? Could he even do it?

 

”I think... I think I’m letting go of you.”

 

He did it. He said it. He held strong and did the thing that was supposed to be the right thing to do.

 

 

He let go.

 

But why did he feel just as hurt and lonely he had all this time? Wasn’t he supposed to feel some sort of relief or freedom now that he finally got it over with? Why did he feel so hurt no matter what he did?

 

Feeling weak and stupid, Ryeowook dragged himself into his room and collapsed on the bed. Maybe after a good sleep he’d feel the rightness of it all. Yeah, that had to be it. Let it register inside his mind over night. Maybe he'd feel better the next day? Maybe Kyuhyun would feel it too.

 

When they would really be alone and apart. When, despite all his anger, Ryeowook couldn't just walk up to Kyuhyun's room and see even a small glimpse of him when the latter was ignoring him again. How he'd never feel his hands touch his skin the way they did when he came to calm him down without offering what Ryeowook really needed, and the touches Ryeowook hated himself for allowing every time. He buried his face into his pillow, holding back tears.

 

He'd welcome the usual silence and emptiness that had already rented out his entire heart in the morning.

 

 

He felt too weak to do it now.

 

 

 

Kyuhyun had been gaming for two days straight inside a hotel room. He had lived with no food, no sleep and only around five cans of energy drinks with occasional sips of water here and there from an old recyclable plastic bottle with water he hadn't changed in a week. But now, after entering inside the house that had been a home to him for over a decade already, his stomach demanded attention.

 

Maybe it was an automatic reaction to look for the food Ryeowook had specially made for him after being exhausted by all the work he had completed that day. Ryeowook usually had the food already out for him when he came. Maybe it was just knowing that Ryeowook had cleaned and cooked all day while he was at work, trying to welcome him with a pleasing, clean house and warm food to show his gratefulness for how much he worked for the both of them.

 

Maybe he just missed him. He didn't really know. The past two days had gone by in a blur and he had called in sick for work in favor of drowning himself in games. He could do that when he had no one else to support and a house rent to pay, right? That was the freedom he had wanted, right? To get away from all the nagging and angered glares?

 

 

Right?

 

The house was quiet. All the lights were off. He couldn't see or hear Ryeowook anywhere. Had he left?

 

Kyuhyun threw his bag aside, his legs automatically taking him to the kitchen, where he'd usually find Ryeowook at. No one. His stomach rumbled at the familiar setting and he opened the fridge, expecting to see a meal ready to be heated, but everything had been left untouched, rotten even. Ryeowook must've left. He closed the fridge, dazed.

 

It was so silent. There was no one else but him and it was so, so quiet. Annoyed, Kyuhyun marched upstairs, skipping two steps at once as he rushed directly to Ryeowook's room. The door was closed but he didn't care, he pushed it open with all his might, only to freeze on his feet when he finally saw inside.

 

Ryeowook was there.

 

Silent.

 

Unmoving.

 

 

For a second Kyuhyun assumed the worst but then he noticed that Ryeowook had his eyes open and dried tears on his cheeks. He just didn't move. Not even when Kyuhyun came barging in, hurting his ears with all the noise. He was too weak to move. He didn't want to move. He had no reason to.

 

"Ryeowook...?" Kyuhyun hesitated to call.

 

The older barely had the energy to shift his head towards his direction so that he could see his face.

 

"Kyu..."

 

His voice was weak, void of any will.

 

 

A lot more calmer than a moment ago, Kyuhyun let his hand fall from the door handle and walked towards the bed, crouching down next to it so that he could be on the same eye level as Ryeowook, who followed him with pain filled eyes.

 

He hadn’t looked at the other’s face from this close in ages, Kyuhyun marveled. He really took in the sight in front of him, the pale skin, chapped lips and the lone tear that escaped his eye… Ryeowook. This was Ryeowook, the man he had loved. He looked so… so… drained. Spent. Had he not moved from the bed at all after he had left?

 

Ryeowook looked away as the painful longing got the best of him, letting his tears freely stream down his face. And he had thought he was finally all dried up. Huh. He must've been wrong again.

 

“Don’t cry,” Kyuhyun croaked, feeling helpless all of a sudden. It looked like even the gentlest of winds could break Ryeowook down and Kyuhyun couldn’t bear watching it, moving restlessly as he wanted to stop the tears.

 

Ryeowook just didn't think he could move on with his life anymore, he didn’t even have the strength to get off the bed. He couldn't even care if he didn’t. He had been ripped from everything the moment he agreed to date Kyuhyun. His family, friends, Kyuhyun... Everything. He had lost everything. Even his will and dignity, that were lost in the specs of dust with his heart and mind, dust he had so eagerly tried to clean up every day since he was fired.

 

He just didn't think he could continue anymore.

 

"What am I doing?" he asked the younger with a raspy voice, not having moisturized his throat in a while. "What is my life?"

 

Kyuhyun didn't know what to say. He couldn't answer. He had been silently asking himself these same questions, but seeing Ryeowook like this just broke something inside his heart and mind. Would they ever be fine?

 

“L… Let me take care of you, okay? You… You’ll be fine,” he tried to assure, but even he noticed the unsure tone in his voice.

 

More tears escaped Ryeowook's eyes as he stared at Kyuhyun's face, "I can’t let go of you. It’s scary and it hurts. Why can’t I just let go?”

 

Kyuhyun blinked furiously to chase away the moisture gathering in his eyes. He didn't want to leave. He didn't want to.

 

”We... We’ll make it through this.”

 

Ryeowook gave him a weak smile as the bitter amusement rested in his eyes.

 

”Will we? Can we really get through this?”

 

”Of course. We always do.”

 

But they didn’t. That was the problem. They always convinced themselves to believe that nothing could ever break them apart, that they belonged together. But...

 

”What if we were never meant to fall in love?”

 

Kyuhyun didn’t answer. He only shifted closer to him, and for the first time in a very long time, he actually reached over and engulfed him into a big, warm embrace. Ryeowook could feel his heart beating right next to his face, and the warmth seeping through Kyuhyun’s clothes was enough to make him feel safe, loved even for a second.

 

What ifs were too scary, he decided at that moment. He was too afraid to let go, and that was a fact: He was scared of both leaving and being left behind. Maybe he was weaker than he thought but right now, inside of Kyuhyun’s warm hug that chased away the cold till they'd fall for the routine again, Ryeowook didn’t care.

 

He had Kyuhyun in his own, incomplete way, and he wouldn't let him go.