Memories of you that I wanted to erase.

 

It was just as they left it.

 

A month ago. Or was it two?

 

Sunggyu couldn’t recall.

 

It stood as tall and as proud as ever, its thick branches reaching towards the sky. Spots of red and yellow were slowly beginning to appear in the foliage as the month shifted into autumn.

 

Sunggyu’s face was blank as he approached the base of the huge tree. He placed a hand on the trunk and walked around. Images of those times surfaced in his mind.

 

Woohyun’s head on his shoulder as they sat beneath the tree, fitting exactly into the curve of his neck, with Sunggyu’s arm around him.

 

Woohyun’s proud smile as he pulled him towards the tree, insisting that they should call it “Namwoo” for the sole reason that it was as awesome as he was. Sunggyu had laughed and about it but agreed anyway.

 

Sunggyu’s fingers paused as they landed on an image carved into the trunk. He traced it out, a bare hint of a smile tugging at his mouth. A triangle and a line formed an umbrella with the words ‘Namwoo’ written on it. Beneath it, ‘Sunggyu’ was etched in.

 

“If you’re lonely or fed up and I’m not around, just come to our tree and think of me.”

 

He hadn’t needed to. There wasn’t a day that passed that Woohyun wasn’t there to listen to him. Comfort him when he needed it...

 

Sunggyu was happy. Was.

 

Traces of you that I wanted to erase.

 

He slipped his hand into his pocket and took out a penknife, twirling it around.

 

The wind blew. A blade appeared.

 

Sunggyu placed it against the trunk and slashed.

 

A red leaf fell.

 

 

 

I’m trying hard to find everything in your memories.

 

Woohyun shivered, pulling his jacket tighter around his body.

 

He wasn’t sure why he was here.

 

It was one of those exceptionally cold mornings. Punctuated by the fact that the only people awake were joggers and people heading to work.

 

He could’ve been anywhere else but here.

 

Here on this ancient-looking stone bridge that overlooked a small river that gushed merrily along, still free from the clutches of sub-zero temperatures that would come in a few month’s time.

 

Woohyun leaned against the ledge as he stared at the river.

 

Those everyday conversations were still stuck in his mind, replaying themselves like a broken record.

 

“If I happen to fall in, would you save me?”

 

Sunggyu laughed. “Woohyun, you can swim. You don’t need my help at all.”

 

“That’s not romantic at all,” Woohyun frowned. “Come on. Just pretend that I can’t. Would you?”

 

The other male shrugged and counted off on his fingers.

 

“For one, the river is not deep enough for you to drown in. Two, the most you’ll get is a concussion so I’ll have to call an ambulance and then I’ll have to pay for your hospital bills. Thirdly, you’ll get drenched and catch a cold and then I’ll have to nurse you back to health. I’m a busy man you know.”

 

“No,” Woohyun grinned as he wrapped Sunggyu in a back hug. “You’re a precious man who is simply too shy to say that he loves his boyfriend.”

 

Sunggyu turned slightly red.

 

“Woohyun?”

 

“Yes?”

 

Woohyun felt his nose being pinched.

 

“I’m gonna throw you inside now,” Sunggyu pulled him forward and down.

 

Placing his lips near Woohyun’s ears, he whispered. “By the way…”

 

“I love you.”

 

Woohyun jerked back to the present, glancing to one side.

 

I’m crying by myself there but…

 

A teenaged couple stood a few feet away. The guy had his arms around the girl as he confessed to her. Her eyes shone in disbelief and joy.

 

Woohyun stared for a bit, fingers gripping the ledge hard.

 

The man started to kiss her.

 

Woohyun closed his eyes immediately and turned away.

 

However, a single drop escaped, splashing onto the floor.

 

 

 

Please don’t stay in my heart once you’re gone.

 

The city looked peaceful. The busy streets and cars all reduced to mere specks moving amongst tall buildings.

 

Sunggyu loved being up here where the air was clean and fresh. It was also strangely devoid of people though he was sure that more people knew of it.

 

He found it strange but never questioned it. He would gladly trade the noise of the city for the silence of this place anytime.

 

Today, the silence deafened him.

 

It taunted with its emptiness.

 

Because it knew that Sunggyu knew.

 

No matter how much he wanted to deny it, something was missing from this place.

 

Sunggyu rested the back of his head on his hands as he lay down on the soft grass and closed his eyes.

 

His eyes shifted around nervously.

 

“Promise me you won’t laugh,” Woohyun pleaded.

 

“I won’t,” Sunggyu reassured him.

 

He opened his mouth and took Sunggyu’s heart away.

 

“Be mine, I love you okay?

I worry about you, okay?

I’ll take care of you till the end.

Be mine, you know me, right?

You saw me right?

I’ll protect you till the end.”

 

Fingers curled tightly around the blades of grass.

 

“Stop it.”

 

“Sunggyu, be mine.”

 

Foolish. It was too late.

 

“He’s gone,” Sunggyu muttered to himself as he got up, shaking his head. “Stop it, Kim Sunggyu.”

 

“Woohyun, I was always yours.”

 

Sunggyu gazed up at the sky, frustration written all over his face.

 

“So tell me Nam Woohyun, where are you now?”

 

He opened his clenched fist, allowing a shiny object to fall.

 

 

 

I’m thinking about you with my two eyes closed.

 

Why was he even doing this?

 

There was nothing to gain by walking this path.

 

Yet, Woohyun couldn’t help himself.

 

It was like a bad train wreck and he couldn’t stop.

 

Everywhere he went, reminded him of Sunggyu. Sunggyu. And Kim Sunggyu.

 

Was he a masochist?

 

Perhaps.

 

Was he going insane?

 

Definitely.

 

Woohyun closed his eyes once more and pushed open the glass door.

 

I’m going back to that time again.

 

The café was the same. With its wooden walls and quaint decorations.

 

Their corner table near the window was bathed in the faint beams of the late afternoon sun.

 

Ah, it didn’t take much effort to remember. Even though Woohyun wished it did. He wished it hurt so badly that he couldn’t remember.

 

Remember the way the sunlight shone on Sunggyu’s light brown hair.

 

Remember the way Sunggyu would stubbornly argue with him over mundane things.

 

Remember the

 

Surprise that shone in his eyes as he opened the velvet box.

 

Woohyun tenderly picked up Sunggyu’s hand and slipped the silver ring on.

 

“WooGyu Forever,” he bit his lip to hide a wide grin. “Woohyun, you cheesy man.”

 

It glittered prettily in the sunlight as it sat on the table.

 

A promise of hope… Long gone.

 

It was time to move on. Before he regretted it.

 

Woohyun stood up.

 

I can’t hear you but…

 

It just wouldn’t go away.

 

This feeling.

 

Woohyun paused at the entrance, looking out on the street.

 

It’s not as if Sunggyu would appear.

 

He chuckled drily to himself, walking off.

 

 

 

I wanna listen.

 

He shook his head.

 

If only…

 

No, he had to stop thinking of Woohyun.

 

Sunggyu turned the bend and stopped dead.

 

“Woo…”

 

No it couldn’t be. No way. No way.

 

There were thousands of men in this country.

 

That figure in the distance was not Woohyun.

 

.

.

.

Right?

 

But why do I hear your breath?

 

Sunggyu pushed open the glass door, nodding in polite greeting to the café owner. He wasn’t sure he liked the curious look on her face.

 

It was ridiculous.

 

Sunggyu sat down in his usual seat and wrinkled his nose.

 

Even the café smelled of Woohyun.

 

“It’s not as good as your present,” Sunggyu mumbled, rubbing the ring on his finger. “But it reminded me of you. The name I mean... And the smell.”

 

“Blue Seduction.”

 

He sniffed at the light blue bottle, amused.

 

“Am I not greasy enough as you like to say?”

 

“Greasy enough to fuel a car from here to America,” Sunggyu struggled to keep a straight face at Woohyun’s crestfallen expression. He held up his hand.

 

“I did agree to be your car did I not?”

 

Sunggyu face-palmed at himself. “Your cheesiness is rubbing off on me. Help.”

 

His nose really needed a check up. It was smelling things it shouldn’t be smelling.

 

Sunggyu sighed, slumping across the table.

 

Clearly he was going insane.

 

A clink.

 

Sunggyu glanced on the floor.

 

There it was.

 

He rubbed his eyes.

 

It was still there.

 

A small silver ring with the words ‘WooGyu Forever’ inscribed on it.

 

Sunggyu’s heart stopped.

 

 

 

I know well that I can’t say anything

 

Because it was as much his fault as it was Sunggyu’s.

 

A small pebble lay next to his shoe.

 

Woohyun kicked it, watching as it tumbled down the hill.

 

“So, you’re leaving.”

 

Woohyun flinched, not because he felt a piercing gaze on him. But because he felt, nothing.

 

The walk from Sunggyu’s living room to the door seemed to stretch into eternity as he picked his way over various books, clothes and stationary littered across the floor, flung from their original places.

 

He tilted his head slightly, sneaking a backward glance which he regretted.

 

Sunggyu had not moved from the couch. He merely stared blankly out into the distance, defeated.

 

“I didn’t want this to ha-“

 

“Just. Go.”

 

Sunggyu’s voice was barely audible.

 

“Will you be-“

 

“You’ve made your choice,” his voice cracked slightly. “Now, go.”

 

He didn’t even turn his head to see Woohyun walk out.

 

He could’ve protested more. Argued more. Fought more. Something. Anything.

 

But what use was that now?

 

Woohyun sighed, looking up in askance at the sky. The clouds drifting by had no answer.

 

He clenched his fist around soil, grass and a cold metal ring.

 

 

 

No matter how much I pray

 

It couldn’t be true.

 

Call it denial if you must.

 

But that was how Sunggyu coped. How he had survived, ever since then.

 

What were the chances that Woo- He had been there and was doing what Sunggyu was doing right now?

 

The silver ring glinted brightly on his palm as if mocking him. He half wanted to hurl it into the river below but he kept a hold on himself. He propped his elbows on the ledge, resting his head on his arms.

 

Sunggyu hated to admit it but it had awakened the very one thing he thought he had killed a very long time ago.

 

Before it killed him.

 

It will never work

 

Hope.

 

I still feel you

 

As my tears stopped I’m laughing

 

This was the first time that he had returned to the park after that day.

 

He had tried to walk around aimlessly but somehow or rather, his feet still led him to the base of the huge tree.

 

Woohyun hesitated.

 

The branches swayed gently as a soft wind blew, beckoning.

 

Reluctantly, Woohyun approached.

 

At least his namesake seemed to welcome him like an old friend, even if the other places felt colder.

 

Woohyun gave a wry smile, patting the trunk. “Will you tell me what to do?”

 

Silence.

 

“I guess not.”

 

But after leaving you alone

 

There was no use in denying it.

 

Woohyun missed Sunggyu.

 

He just couldn’t get him out of his mind. The way his eyes would smile when he was laughed. How he imitated Woohyun from time to time even though he would say it was childish. The coffee he would buy for Woohyun every morning when he dropped by on the way to school, even though he had to wake up earlier. His warmth when they curled up together at night.

 

Even if he wanted it all back, it was impossible.

 

At least, he thought it was.

 

Until this.

 

Woohyun held up the ring he had picked up earlier.

 

Was it a sign that perhaps…

 

Sunggyu was thinking of him too?

 

Woohyun wanted to believe it. Believe it so bad.

 

He slipped his hand into his pocket where his phone was.

 

 

 

I feel that

 

Sunggyu stared at his phone and the wallpaper that hadn’t been changed ever since then.

 

“Happy birthday Sunggyuuuuu~”

 

Woohyun attacked him from behind and shoved a piece of cake into his mouth.

 

“Smile for the camera!”

 

Sunggyu struggled, sticking out his tongue as the other male took a picture with his phone.

 

His finger hovered over the speed dial, trembling.

 

Sunggyu closes his eyes and presses.

 

If I can find you

 

The phone in Woohyun’s hand vibrated, shocking him.

 

As he stared at the screen, his heart stopped.

 

“Incoming Call

Gyuuuu-hyung ♥“

 

Ring.

 

Ring.

 

Silence.

 

I only want you more

 

‘End Call’.

 

Sunggyu leaned against the side of the bridge as he sank to the floor, every beat of his thumping heart echoed through his mind.

 

Fingers raked through light brown hair, clutching tightly.

 

I’ll wait for you now.

 

“1 Missed Call.

Gyuuuu-hyung ♥”

 

Woohyun traced his finger over the slash mark just beneath their umbrella.

 

The huge tree was still, as if waiting for his answer.

 

He clenched his fist, resting it on the trunk.

 

A bird chirped.

 

Woohyun raised his head to the sky and counted to three.

 

Your all

 

“Incoming Call

Namwoo ♥”

 

Sunggyu’s breath hitched as he raised the phone to his ear.

 

Till I can breathe again

 

“Woohyun.”

 

“Sunggyu.”

 

 

 

 

“I’m nothing without you.”