Dear Sanghyuk,

This is Minhyun. I’m glad we can finally talk!! I hope you’re having a super great day.

I don’t think you want to hear apologies and besides, I don’t know how to apologize to change things that have already happened, but just let me say it this once and I won’t say it again. I’m sorry. I tried my best to look for you but by the time I was old enough to do anything substantial, it was too late. I’ve always wondered about where you were, and I’ve prayed for you. I wish I could have done something more.

But I never expected to hear your name ever again. I thought I would live the rest of my life wandering on an earth where I’ve lost a friend forever. But here you are.  I just want you to know how happy that something out there thought I deserved to find you again. My whole life has been centred around your disappearance, and now I feel like I’ve gotten a second chance. A second chance to do right by you.  

I just started at SNU recently, and I’m really liking it. Ms Kim had to help me a lot with my work in high school for me to get grades good enough for SNU (Got scolded by her a lot, too, for always going on dates with my girlfriend instead of studying). I attached a photo of all of us below if you want to see – Ms Kim, myself, and Hyeyeon. She’s really pretty… Like, almost to an unbelievable level… She’s studying microbiology, really smart.

A couple fostered me when I was 14, until recently, when I turned 18. They send their regards. I don’t live with them anymore though, because transportation is so expensive. I currently live on campus, which means me and you – we aren’t too far apart. You’re near Seoul, right? Feels like eternity since we were last near each other. I am always here if you need me and I will drop everything to help you if you ever ask for it. I promise.  

I heard you’re doing classes for your GED? How are those coming along? Do you like studying? You probably love it since you’re so smart. Even when we were kids, I would study more than you and you would still get a whole letter grade higher than me. I’m sure you’re quickly getting the hang of it so don’t worry, even if its hard. Studying is hard for every Korean teenager, I’m sure. Just hang in there and it will pay off.

Do write me back! I can’t wait to hear from you.

Love,

Minhyun

***

Sanghyuk smiles as he reads the email. He’s recently connected with Ms Kim and Minhyun again, but only by email. It’s enough for now and, really, he’s not craving to be that involved in their lives at the moment. The universe seems at a steady state and he’s not about to go and ruin that.

After his dramatic meltdown, he’s been more honest with the people around him. He talks with Wonshik hyung about his goals and the exact timeline they’re going to take to get him to a GED. He tells Nakhun hyung the truth whenever he’s at the hospital for his monthly check-ups and has learnt to tell someone if he feels like he’s spinning out of control. The muzzle around his face that used to be there constantly isn’t quite so obvious anymore. He doesn’t feel like his jaw is wired shut or that his voice is too loud.

He’s always loved it when Hongbin would make small talk, so he’s started to do that for Hongbin too. Over the dinner table, he says: “It’s hot, don’t scald yourself”. When Hongbin leaves for work, he says: “Be careful, don’t leave the office too late”. In the mornings, he says: “Did you sleep well?”

When Hongbin used to say those things, it would make him feel so cared for, like his experiencing of life, even everyday things, was so precious that it couldn’t ever be ignored. Slowly, it made him feel like he needed to pay attention to everything too – whether it was too cold, or whether he hadn’t eaten enough. Slowly, he starts to realize that it’s the small things that matter. Hongbin doesn’t need anyone to save him. He just needs someone to look out for him, which is something Sanghyuk can do. It almost takes no effort, compared to the herculean task he originally thought he had taken on a few months ago.

Hongbin is quite easily an angel. He does things in an effortless way. Sanghyuk just needs to make sure Hongbin picks himself up if he falls because even wings are no good if you land on them.

But Hongbin has spent so many years alone, that only he himself knows how to make himself feel better. Sanghyuk doesn’t always succeed in picking Hongbin up from where he’s fallen, but Hongbin always tells him if he just asks. For example, Hongbin tells him very early on that he always feels better when he’s cold. Taking his coat at the door after a hard day and not judging him when he goes to lie down in his bathtub is sometimes the best thing Sanghyuk can do.

Hongbin is open with his own secrets but Sanghyuk trusts him more than he trusts himself. Trusts him more than he’s ever trusted anyone at all and sometimes he lays awake at night, when the shadows are too real, and thinks of matching the rhythm of Hongbin breathing in the next room. It always makes him feel better.

Things are very good right now, and Taekwoon hyung was right. If Sanghyuk focuses on taking care of the people in his life (including himself), he can almost forget how anxious he is of it all going bad again.

***

Jaehwan has thrown a chair at an internal hospital window. It does not break, but he definitely has a violent scuffle with security. He throws a few punches and gets more than a few back. He shows up to therapy with an almost swollen eye and a bruised check, feeling like a puppy being scolded. But his bones still hold nervous, angry energy, and the psychiatrist looks pointedly at his leg-shaking.

“How are you feeling?”

“Angry, nauseous.” Jaehwan’s voice is thick and his eyes are shining. “Frustrated.”

“Why didn’t you talk to someone, instead of… you know… throwing a chair?” Just the sound of the psychiatrist’s pencil scratching on paper pisses Jaehwan off.

“I can’t even explain why I’m so angry,” Jaehwan growls. “There’s no words for it. I just am – I just… It feels like I’m burning from the inside out.”

“Well, you have to be patient with yourself.” The psychiatrist says gently. “You know that mood swings and agitation is one of the forefront symptoms of your brain injury.”

“Yeah, no .” Jaehwan chuckles. “Thank you for the reminder.”

Therapy really isn’t a great way to spend an afternoon. Jaehwan would much rather be out bothering other patients or watching TV. But part of the deal with Nakhun was to attend 10 hours of therapy a week, and he knows that if he ever wants to be a functioning member of society again, he’ll have to go through with it.

The first few weeks were hopeless – Jaehwan more interested in making jokes than doing any actual work, because the work in therapy was hard. It was things like “make a new friend” or “look at yourself in the mirror every morning and give yourself at least one compliment”. It’s hard, stupid work. It makes him feel like a child, and it doesn’t help that all the nurses in the building treat him as a flight risk. It’s not uncalled for, considering the amount of times he has come back late from an authorized nights-out. But he feels like he’s in kindergarten – there’s even a stack of colouring sheets in his room that he’s supposed to work on whenever he feels “upset” (Taecyeon sometimes steal them from him just because he likes colouring.)

But the more Jaehwan works on himself, the more he feels like he can accept what has happened to him. He’s less prickly, now that he understands that he doesn’t have to insult people to keep them at bay. People like Taecyeon wouldn’t hurt him on purpose, and boundaries are a real thing to have. It’s great, being able to have friends and his alone time. He’s always thought that having friends meant having to spend all his time around them and having to acquiesce to everything they ask for.

Learning how to set boundaries was rough, and awkward, but he’s all the better for it now. He doesn’t just make sure he has his personal space – he also comes to realize that there are limits to what he can do, and consequences if he steps into other peoples’ boundaries. So even though he still banters with the cafeteria staff, he makes sure to thank them for their work and for putting up with him. He still slips up sometimes and accidentally pushes in places he shouldn’t, but he always makes sure to say sorry.

Overwhelming aggression and anger, however, is still a big problem. It beats in his head so loudly and makes everything look… red. He’s tried breathing techniques, and taking time-outs, but they only serve to stave off a slow-building anger. When the anger comes suddenly, out of nowhere, Jaehwan can’t wrestle any kind of control from his brain. In these episodes, it’s almost like he can’t hear or see. His entire existence is just a huge block of anger.

Everyone tells him it’s just a matter of time and that with better living habits, the symptoms of his brain injury will slowly get more manageable. But after all these weeks, he still doesn't know what's going on in his brain. He knows that hurting someone will make him feel better, except he's sick of hurting himself and everyone around him.

He just really wishes he was back at the gym. 

"You still with me?" The psychiatrist asks. 

Jaehwan chuckles. "Yeah, yeah."