Sanghyuk hasn’t slept in two days so he’s dead sleepy, but his heart is awake. It tugs in his chest – whether pulling him away from this conversation or towards, he doesn’t know. Either way, they sit quietly around the kitchen table; Sanghyuk next to Hongbin, who is next to Taekwoon and Hakyeon.  

“So,” Taekwoon starts. “I know you were looking for a job because you felt like you owed Hongbin.”

At this point, Sanghyuk cannot even be angry at Taekwoon for ratting him out. He’s just so… relieved that someone is going to take this burden off his shoulders. That they were finally going to tell him what he needed to do to earn his slice of pie.

Hakyeon interjects, “Though, we want to make it clear, that you really do not owe Hongbin – or any of us – anything.”

Sanghyuk nods twice. He can learn to believe that.

“But, at least now we know, that you’re finally ready to perform the real role we’ve always had in mind for you.”

“Alright,” Sanghyuk’s heart is pounding in his chest and he’s trying so hard not to let the smile show on his face. “I’m sorry I took so long.”

Taekwoon ignores the last part. “Hongbin has been having a hard time lately.”

“I know,” Sanghyuk whispers, half because he’s ashamed that he hasn’t necessarily noticed it and half because he’s guilty about lying so blatantly to Taekwoon. “…But he hasn’t been using me.”

Hongbin almost chokes on his tea and Sanghyuk wonders if he’s being offensive. “Sorry.”

“Alright, we’re going to change that.” Taekwoon pushes through. “Your new job is to take care of Hongbin.”

Sanghyuk shifts uncomfortably in his seat, “I… Huh?”

He thought he knew what this conversation would be about. He had expected to be punished (or at least reprimanded) – probably not with actual violence – though even if it was, he would just take it. He imagines it would hurt more to be hit by the people he loves but he can always pretend it doesn’t.

A sledgehammer of thoughts hit him straight on, but Taekwoon doesn’t give enough pause for them to seep in.

“We want you to take care of Hongbin. The same way Hongbin took care of you.” Taekwoon says. “The… The way you were taken care of previously.”

The ground shifts and slips beneath Sanghyuk’s feet. Air escapes his lungs in bursts. “But – But I don’t want – I don’t wanna hurt him.”

His Sirs had done more than that. They had injured him. There are parts of his body that will never look the same ever again. They had taken him apart. They had forced him to take himself apart. He doesn’t ever want to do that to Hongbin; Hongbin is beautiful. Hongbin is built in a way that every movement he makes exudes trustworthiness and light. Hongbin is kind, and funny, and doesn’t say anything to harm anybody.

“You do whatever you want to do. Make sure he eats his meals on time, make sure he sleeps… Whatever.” Hakyeon says firmly, as if there is no ground for negotiation. “You don’t have to hurt Hongbin if you don’t want to. He’ll do what you want him to do. He’ll listen to you.”

Sanghyuk glances unsurely at Hongbin, but Hongbin just looks him straight in the eye and nods earnestly.

“I take care of Hongbin hyung?” It sounds absolutely ridiculous saying it out loud, be he has to be clear about this. “I make him happy?”

“Yes.” Taekwoon smiles.

“What about you and Hakyeon hyung?” Sanghyuk asks desperately. “I have – Sorry – I just, I need to get this right. I don’t want to make mistakes.”

Taekwoon’s smile turns sad but he continues as if no one has noticed. “Hongbin is our friend. You making him happy will make us happy.”

“Oh. Okay.” Sanghyuk breathes slowly. In and out. “…What happens if I do a bad job?”

“I’ll always tell you first.” Hongbin replies. “I promise I’ll always let you know if you’re doing something wrong.” 

Of course. Hongbin has done everything for Sanghyuk this past year. He’s fed him, clothed him, held his hand through nightmares, treated him like he was a person; talked to him, been his friend. Sanghyuk will do anything for Hongbin.

“Okay,” Sanghyuk looks at Hongbin earnestly. “Thanks.”

The satin feeling of excitement unfurls in his heart. Sanghyuk quietly (and unreasonably) appreciates that no one asks if he’s sure he wants to be Hongbin’s protector – they trust Sanghyuk to make his own decisions to some degree, and that makes him feel powerful. This might be his first step to independence. He’s going to take it and run with it.

***

The first thing he does is to apologize. The act comes as a gentle flooding of light when he’s watching a newly-aired drama with Hongbin, their thighs touching as Hongbin scrolls through applications for a new open position.

“I am sorry for the way I talked to you that day,” Sanghyuk starts. “I – I don’t really know what came over me.”

“Yeah,” Hongbin puts down his tablet. “What did happen? I’m a little confused still.”

Sanghyuk stiffens. “I don’t know. I was just – I was just – Anyway, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. It won’t happen again.”

Hongbin shifts gently on the couch, turning to face him. “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it. But I would like to know what happened that made you so upset.”

Sanghyuk doesn’t want to say it, but he’s supposed to take care of Hongbin now. And if hearing it will make Hongbin feel better, then he’ll say it. Even if it makes him look dumb. So he compromises by sinking lower into the couch and speaking in a quiet voice.

“I really wanted to get my GED. But I’m – I’m not smart enough. I don’t learn fast enough. I was angry at myself – and I was hurt – and I… I don’t know. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have –”

“Shouldn’t have taken it out on me?” Hongbin says it with a small smile. “Been human?”

Sanghyuk doesn’t really know how to explain it. Where he came from before, it could have been possible that being human was in the list of things he couldn’t do. But Hongbin clearly doesn’t think that.

“I… shouldn’t have shouted at you.”

Hongbin furrows his brows, clearly puzzled by the response. And then he says, “It’s okay. I don’t want you to ever be angry and feel like you don’t have the right to express it. But I’ll always be here to help you through it, okay?”

Sanghyuk nods, and his fists unclench automatically as Hongbin reaches out to tousle his hair.

“Now, do you mind helping me decide whose portfolio looks better?”

Sanghyuk smiles and shifts closer to Hongbin. They stay up for the next few hours looking through things on Hongbin’s tablet, Hongbin talking to him about art and photography. Sanghyuk can’t understand most of it, but he enjoys listening anyway.

The sleepiness kicks in slowly and by the time they know it’s there, it’s too late. Between one breath and the next, Sanghyuk watches on as Hongbin nods off. He slowly gets off the couch; locks the front door and drapes a blanket over Hongbin.

His first day as a protector. So far so good.