Friday came around as soon as Thursday went. It’s only now that I realize my eating pattern was still horrifically concerning. I barely ate because I simply did not have an appetite which was very odd because I’m always hungry for food. It was like my mind hadn’t registered I needed to get my calories and instead my mind decided that it wanted to focus on binge watching on loads of Jonghyun’s videos and mini SHINee series as if YouTube was going to delete the next day. I started at WGM particularly Taemin’s era when Minho, Jonghyun, Key and Eunji came onto the show. That episode of WGM with them was and still is one of my favourite scenes out of Taemin’s WGM era. I pretty much cried with laughter as if the recent events hadn’t occurred mainly since Jonghyun was the catalyst for all the mishaps and hilarious moments in that episode. I’m going to admit, that I think I tried to forget being in denial of what had happened. That I was in denial that I was in denial of the events (I know, ‘so edgy’). In some stupid, nonsensical, illogical side of my brain, I thought that if I acknowledged that I was in denial about his death that would mean that it would further confirm him being dead. I know, stupid right? My stupid way of thinking could literally be used as an example for kids when explaining the word denial and what you shouldn’t do. Just face that he was gone.

From the comforts of my duvet, I even re watched the whole SHINee baby series. Which now I see was probably a bad thing to do at the time. I used to think that Jonghyun would be a great dad and I still think he would. So there I was, watching this series not only for the s and giggles but also for the pain that lingered in, knowing he wouldn’t get to actually be a dad.

Side note, I have no idea where this little obsession of having a Korean idol become a parent comes from. I also see it from other Kpop fans as well. It’s not like I put that expectation on other people of similar age groups from other countries, even my own country. I sound like that mother in K-dramas who keeps pestering her son about that nonexistent grandchild I want. Maybe it’s their culture that I’ve taken on board and have begun to consciously talk about. It even happens in my culture too so it could come from that. My goes on about how she wants a grandchild and I wonder with irritation why she keeps talking about that the non-existent child I don’t have when I’m 17 years old? I’m not even sure I’ll be alive long enough to even deliver on that if I wanted to.

Anyway, I arrived to the all famous scene when little Yoogeun ran into Jonghyun and head butted him in the baby making region causing him to topple of groaning. I even remember him saying something along the lines of “getting married and having kids” whilst everybody laughed, including me. But that scene stayed in my mind like an annoying itch until I finished the entire series and laid in the comforts of my bed finally addressing the burning question:

What if?