I can literally remember the moment I found out the news like it was yesterday. It’s one of the things that will remain fresh in the back of my mind for a long long time.

I was very happy on Monday during the school hours because I had received great news. I was going to have a half day on a Tuesday because my lessons were cancelled for the afternoon meaning I could go home at 12.30pm. I had sent in my university application that day as well so I was pretty much chilling, receiving Christmas cards and little sweets from my friends like any normal day.

My normal schedule for Monday includes me staying for lesson until 4 o’clock instead of 3. I usually stay after school to study but for no particular reason I decided to go home. But nothing seemed amiss, except for the fact I was unusually happier than usual, most likely because of that half day on Tuesday.

I came home discovered a Korean drama on Netflix called Black which featured Go Ara. I wanted to learn Korean so I figured this was a great way to. People who know of this drama will probably cringe and pity my bad timing getting interested in this drama. People who do not know this drama; it’s basically about a woman who can see who is about to die. Anyway, my mother wanted to relax my hair (basically chemically straighten my hair) since I missed the deadline to do it before and my hair was breaking. So around 6.30 in the evening, I paused the K drama, took off my glasses and placed it along with my phone on the computer desk top and let my mother slap on that cold yucky white mixture with a consistency of mayonnaise on my hair, just wanting to get my hair over and done with.

About 10 minute later, some calls me. It’s vibrating against the computer desk since I never put my phone on loud and my mother and I hear it. I just tell her to continue doing my hair and that I’ll call that person back. Then all of a sudden, can I hear my brother coming down the stairs calling my name. By this time, I figure, it must have been him who was calling me. My family tends to do this to each other because we are all at different parts of the house, lazy and we can’t be bothered to yell at each other so this wasn’t abnormal behaviour. He approaches me and then questions,

“Do you know the Korean group, Shinee?”, He mispronounces their name and says “Shin-ay” so I laugh a bit and respond “You mean Shinee as in shiny”.

He then responds “Yes, that group,” so then I ask

“What about that group?” thinking he’s going to say something stupid and preparing myself to toss something in his direction. But I could bet you all the money in the world I could swear on every single life on this ing planet that nothing would prepare me for what he was about to say next:

“One of the members in the Shinee has died,”

There was a moment, where nothing was exchanged. No words, not even air. The thing that was going on was some annoying video from YouTube that my mother found going on in the background. The moment simultaneously felt like a millisecond and eternity.

“You’re lying,” I responded immediately with a laugh, though my laugh felt foreign to my ears.

“I’m not,”

“Yes, you’re lying,”

“I’m seriously not,”

“Seriously stop lying to me,” I said, but I was reaching for my phone. I knew my mother hated it when I moved around whilst she was doing my hair but I needed to know.

“Check for yourself, why would I lie about this?” he said, standing there as I unlocked my phone. Still at this point I felt pretty relaxed, thinking it was probably those stupid news outlets stirring up like they always do, preparing myself for the bull that they were going to say.

I didn’t even need to search up his name. I swiped left, to a news page which reports any events that happening around the world. At the time, I set my phone language to French to help me with my French subject but I definitely didn’t need to a ing genius at French to know that ‘le mort’ was the worst of the worst. I glanced over the word then looked down at a picture of his beautiful face. I can only presume at this point that my face must have changed because I hadn’t said a word since my brother said guess

“I told you I wasn’t lying,” then proceeded to tell me that some Korean girl in his year had posted it on her Snapchat. But I just looked at the photo of him smiling. It was from Instagram, where he had the black hair and his black glasses. I remember looking at him, thinking what a beautiful dork but photos of him, his body, his hair, his eyes, his voice and his smile flashed through my mind all at once if that’s even possible. Kim Jonghyun had died. I don’t remember when my brother walked out the sitting room and went up stairs. I do remember frantically looking at different news channels, even ing BBC. It was there. Kim Jonghyun was actually dead. I guess this is what you call the denial/ shock stage.

You know when you read in some books and wonder how a character to feel sickened to their stomach that they wanted to throw up over some tragic news? I really wondered what that felt like since I have emetophobia, I predicted I would freak out about feeling sick rather than the actual tragic news. But that day, I completely understood. My stomach felt like it dropped as if I was on a rollercoaster and that I needed to throw up. My eyes burned with tears that wanted to do like Niagara Falls and I struggled to breathe like something was compressing my chest. Honestly I felt like I looked like a hot mess with some white mixture on my head and was getting ready for my mother to possibly ask me why I was breathing like that (my mother gets easily scared) but she didn’t so either I managed to keep my composure very well and I’m a ing amazing actress or my mother paid no heed to my torment. I wanted to run far, scream, cry, hit something, destroy things at once, so much emotions flowed through me. But I pressed my mouth with a fine line, reduced myself to silence and placed my phone down and I refused to look at my phone. Because I didn’t talk I failed to let my mother know that the mixture was burning my scalp so yes, I have several scabs from that night. As usually, we went upstairs and washed out the mixture. I requested to take a bath and she allowed me like she usually did. This was completely normal as well because I liked how my hair cascaded down my back. But this time I was staying in the bath for a completely different reason. I the shower to hot and allowed it fall down my face. I think this is when my mind finally caught up.

I broke down like some enzyme was catalyzing the outta me. I was crying so hard that I began hyperventilating and it was coming out in chocked sobs. The bathroom was so hot, that I placed myself against the wall, feeling the contrast in temperatures trying to hold myself up and prevent myself from doubling over again, I just felt overcome with fear. How could Kim Jonghyun make such a decision? Someone who seemed so happy. From then onwards, I just had waves of absolute despair with short intervals to actually catch my breath. This went on for a about an hour, possibly a bit more. Midway through this, my knees buckled and I sat on the floor, holding myself. I prayed so much that day; prayed for Jonghyun’s family both his biological family members and his group members, his friends, his colleagues. Then I prayed for Super Junior and BTS like some mad woman. I felt like I was going to lose them like this as well if I didn’t pray. I pulled a ing Heechul, I prayed to everything I knew, religion and mythology because you never know then I prayed for them to wake me up from this nightmare. My mind was all over the place, clutching my hands together whilst muttering pleas into air. After an hour or so, I just couldn’t cry anymore. I just felt emptiness. I felt like I jumped straight to the depression stage. After I gathered myself, I went down stairs to be faced with the Korean drama I had paused on. I suddenly became angry and forced everything to shut and then took myself upstairs, cursing the drama in the comforts of my bed and clutching my phone but never unlocking it. I still haven’t gone back to the drama. I guess that night also marked the beginning of the anger stage. Blaming some TV show as if it caused the death of Kim Jonghyun.