You-aholic

In which taking advice from a sixteen-year-old is actually a good idea despite how suffocating it feels.

Kyungwon just didn’t get it.

One breezy Sunday, she took Kongie out for a walk. Or two. Or three. Kongie may have been walking her instead, but that wasn’t the point. The point was that her puppy and another girl’s puppy became entangled — wagging tails, fluffy limbs, curly fur and all. Seeing her best friend in distress, Minkyung came over and teased apart the leashes. After a few giggles and blinding smiles, they watched the girl saunter off down the street and turn the corner. Minkyung spent a good minute staring after her. Kyungwon spent a good minute staring at Minkyung.

Kyungwon snapped her fingers. “Anyone home?”

“Huh?” Minkyung grunted unintelligibly.

“You’re drooling.”

“Am not!” She gently dabbed at the corner of her lips anyway.

Kyungwon scoffed. “You do realize even Eunwoo could deduce you were ogling.”

Minkyung looked scandalized. “I was not ogling. Is it so bad to admire a cute dimpled grin?”

“Maybe, considering her smile was on the other side of her as she walked away.”

Minkyung rolled her eyes. “Are you going to get to the point anytime soon?”

Kyungwon shrugged and pushed her thoughts out. “Do you like her?”

“She wasn’t being an when I gave her her puppy back. So it’d be unreasonable to harbor ill feelings toward her, no?”

“I mean—” Kyungwon gestured vaguely. Kongie seemed to be waiting for her explanation as well. Kyungwon sighed. “Did you want to ask her out or something?”

Kyungwon jumped back as Minkyung lurched forward in hooting laughter. When she straightened up, still pink in the face, she slapped Kyungwon’s back. “Why would I do that?” She wiped away a tear of amusement. “She’s a girl.”

“Uh, r-right.”

Minkyung led the way back to the dorm with a skip in her step, Kongie’s leash dangling from her long fingers. Kyungwon trailed after the two while her mind lumbered light-years behind.

For a split second, she considered Minkyung had said that to avoid tabloids lurking about. It was a dangerous notion, a serious accusation in the public’s eyes. But nobody was around. Not a single camera. No subtly positioned phones in stalker-mode. No whispers of “Isn’t that Pristin’s Roa?” So she shook it off.

But later at the dinner table in the privacy of their dorm, while Nayoung ladled spicy rice cakes into Yewon’s bowl and slapped away Eunwoo’s hand reaching for thirds, Minkyung shared their encounter at the park. Jieqiong guffawed and toppled over onto the floor. Sungyeon choked on her water and giggled through the burn. (She sounded like a cat refunding its last live catch.) Yaebin’s vibrato of chuckles echoed in Kyungwon’s ears. “That’s absurd,” she had said and proceeded to stuff three whole slices of kimbap in her cheeks.

~|~|~|~

So Kyungwon had her answer, evident as the sun in the blue endless sky. At least it was until Minkyung crashed her drama marathon one Thursday night. Admittedly, the marathon got the job done. Kyungwon had a valid reason to cry. The only explanation she needed to give was a trembling jab at her computer screen accompanied by a wail. One by one the members filtered out of the living room, handing Kyungwon a fresh tissue en route to their warm beds.

Kyungwon didn’t notice when the series switched from a historical drama, to a military love story, to an intense medical romance. Her blurry, bloodshot eyes couldn’t recognize the actors anymore. She didn’t care that YouTube had skipped from the premier episode to the finale with Spanish subtitles running along the bottom of the screen. There had been more wrist-grabs and terribly executed, statuesque kiss scenes than she could count. And at half past three in the morning, she didn’t even bother to keep the laptop on the couch.

“Everyone’s all about the sneaky nine-tailed fox, but that demon veterinarian is flying under the radar.”

The shattering jolt came first, followed by throbbing pain and an unabated craving for her voice. Then Kyungwon’s eyes shot open. Minkyung was sitting on the floor while munching on a handful of plain popcorn. Kyungwon couldn’t describe it. To see Minkyung’s smooth, bare face illuminated by the light of the computer. To see Minkyung’s long, flowing hair held up in a messy bun. To feel the back of Minkyung’s warm neck as she leaned against Kyungwon’s thigh just over the couch’s edge. To hear that melodic voice add live commentary about the drama’s comical special effects.

If there was a word to explain how her insides curled yet seemed to dissolve, how her muscles felt paralyzed while her heart went into overdrive, how she wanted to hold the girl beside her but shun her to the furthest corner in the dorm, Kyungwon didn’t know it. And she didn’t believe any language would bother to come up with such a term just because she wanted to flip a table.

“Watch with me,” Minkyung whined. She tugged at Kyungwon’s limp hand.

Kyungwon sighed and rolled over onto her side to see her laptop perched on the coffee table. For all the crying she’d done, she still didn’t have the heart to ignore the girl. Her eyes lingered on Minkyung’s side profile. She felt warm and fuzzy. Then it was as if her head had been dunked in a bucket of ice water.

“Noh Minwoo looks fine in a suit.”

Kyungwon’s eye twitched. Her head plopped lazily onto the hoodie she’d been using as a pillow. Some day, somehow, she’d have to accept it. Might as well start now.

“His muscles are really toned,” Kyungwon admitted glumly, though it passed for exhaustion.

“Broad shoulders, cute smirk,” Minkyung rambled on in agreement.

“Taking notes about your future boyfriend?” Kyungwon attempted to joke.

Minkyung actually laughed. Kyungwon felt like the pile of snot-filled tissues sitting in the mini trash can by her head, but Minkyung’s laugh somehow rejuvenated her. Her heart still prickled at the reason for Minkyung’s amusement.

“Oh come on. He’s too old for me.”

“Someone like him then? Not a bad candidate.”

Minkyung turned to Kyungwon and threw a kernel at her bunkmate. “As great as that profile sounds, I wouldn’t swipe right.”

Kyungwon snorted, allowing herself this small meaningless victory. “Why not?”

Minkyung stared at Kyungwon thoughtfully. Darkness engulfed the room as the website’s autoplay function kicked in. The next episode loaded. Its glowing light fell on Minkyung’s face, but this time there was a small smile. She threw another kernel in a high arc. It landed in Kyungwon’s open mouth and met its doom with a resounding crunch.

“Guys aren’t really my type.” Minkyung turned back to the screen now with Japanese subtitles.

Kyungwon gazed at the ceiling. Her hands were clasped over her stomach. Her heart was drifting through a treacherous storm of uncertainty. It yearned to wash up on dry land, but the island Minkyung resided on didn’t seem to be plotted on any map.

~|~|~|~

“Is that a thing?”

“Diving under gargantuan waves on your journey to find the shores of love?”

Kyungwon scowled. “You know what I mean.”

Laughter crackled from the other end of the line. “I couldn’t resist.”

“Kyla! You’re supposed to be helping me, not mocking me!”

“But it’s so easy,” Kyla whispered.

“You’ve been talking to Siyeon too much.”

“Guilty. I’m sorry, but I don’t know how I can help?”

“I need that American, heart-on-your-sleeve, go-getter attitude. Some gobsmacking advice.”

There was a pause and Kyungwon thought the video call had frozen. “What kind of Fifties movies have you been watching?”

Kyungwon rolled her eyes. “I am asking you, child, for love guidance. Please. I’m desperate.”

Kyla gave her an exasperated smile while adjusting her earpiece. “Okay, so you’re getting mixed signals. It sounds like she’s into people, but she denies it when you ask. Maybe it’s just not the right time for her to think about relationships. Pristin’s only one year old.”

“No, but she—”

“May not have romantic interests in anyone at all, regardless of gender?”

Kyungwon sunk into her pillow and nodded gloomily.

“Possibly.”

They blinked at their screens silently. Kyungwon raised an eyebrow. “That’s it? Kid, I need more than that.”

Kyla laughed and shrugged. “I can’t do anything else for you. There’s nothing really to do. It’s up to Minkyung what kind of person she sees herself with.”

“But—” Kyungwon exhaled deeply. “Okay fine. But can’t you help me decipher all of this? I want to be sure that my hopes and dreams have been crushed eternally.”

“Is debuting with the nine of us not one of your hopes and—”

Kyungwon pulled a tiny fan-taken photo of Minkyung at a Pledis Girlz concert out of her wallet and flapped it unceremoniously at the front-facing camera. “My HOPES and DREAMS!”

Kyla tore out her earbuds. When the ringing in her head had stopped, she gingerly placed them back in. Kyungwon returned to sulking with apologetic glossy eyes.

“I’m just so confused. How do I know if she’s straight or gay, or wants to be a hermit, or something else I have yet to watch a YouTube explanatory video on?”

Kyla sighed. It ached to see her sister and friend look utterly defeated, sleeping alone on another continent. “Here’s a thought,” she said gently. “Why don’t you just… ask her?”

“It’s not that simple,” mumbled Kyungwon.

“It’s the simplest thing you could do. What you mean to say is, it’s not that easy.”

Kyungwon stared at the white wall. Her grip slackened and her phone slid sideways. Kyla rotated her phone too.

“I don’t know what’s worse,” croaked Kyungwon. “Finding out she doesn’t like anyone, finding out I only have a chance if I was born different, or finding out she just doesn’t like me.”

Kyla reached offscreen and tugged a fluffy teddy bear into her arms. She gave it a heartfelt squeeze. Kyungwon took her own by the paw and hugged it too, somehow feeling the warmth from across the Pacific Ocean.

“I am only a child,” Kyla chuckled softly, “but I like to think closure is better sought after. It hurts and it’s going to hurt a lot more. But how do you want to think about it? Wallowing in sadness because you’ll never know what could’ve been, or because you took a chance and the world just didn’t work out quite as you planned? Whether or not Minkyung loves you that way, she loves you. It’s up to you what you’ll regret more.”

Kyungwon let it sink in as she wished Kyla good morning, receiving a good night in return, and rolled over onto her side with her sniffs muffled by the toy.

~|~|~|~

In one week, the girls belted their hearts out through strenuous vocal practices. Within another, they hammered out their choreography. At random intervals, Kyla texted their teachers a video of herself and earned praises for keeping up while carefully absorbing the constructive criticism. Yet another week flew by as each unreleased song went through a second, third, and fourth quality check.

Kyungwon stared at the calendar on the fridge. Her sleep-deprived state hindered her ability to calculate the date. Nobody had bothered to mark them off. Her phone was dead and lost in the depths of her ruffled bedsheets. She just wanted to know if the eggs in her hand were expired. She placed them on the counter with a sigh. Her desire to cook waned significantly. Three decorative boxes stood on top of the fridge — corn flakes (for bingsoo), Oreo O’s (for monthly cravings), and Cinnamon Toast Crunch (strictly for Siyeon). Kyungwon shrugged and reached for the nearest box.

“Good morning!”

Kyungwon yelped as freezing fingers danced down her rib cage and rested on her waist where her shirt had ridden up. The corn flakes dropped to the floor. The box sported a handsome dent.

Minkyung chuckled and shoved the box in Kyungwon’s arms. “Sorry. Having breakfast?” Kyungwon’s glasses were askew. Minkyung tapped Kyungwon’s nose and pushed the glasses up. “Mind pouring me a bowl too?”

Kyungwon hummed. The only sound in the dorm was the clatter of two bowls on the table and spoons scraping against their ceramic bottoms. The corn flakes grew soggy much too quickly to have a satisfying crunch. Kyungwon lost her appetite. She pushed the floating flakes around her pool of milk. A spoon snuck into view and scooped up the leftover cereal. She couldn’t stop the snort from escaping, nor the great force tugging her lips upward.

Minkyung poked her cheek. “Finally, a smile I haven’t seen all month.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’ve just, you know. It’s hectic with the comeback preparations. It’s exhausting. Great, but exhausting. I can smile when everything’s settled and down to routine.” Kyungwon picked up their bowls and padded over to the sink.

“That’s not the only thing.” Minkyung leaned against the counter as Kyungwon soaped up a sponge. “Something’s been on your mind and it has nothing to do with the comeback.”

“Preposterous!” Kyungwon said with a booming, hollow voice. Minkyung didn’t laugh. “I need to stop watching movies with Yaebin.”

“Before that, tell me what’s going on. You’ve been acting weird.”

Kyungwon threw her hands up in the air. A few suds splattered the tile floor. “You got me. I haven’t been eating my usual two ramen packs a night. A shame, dishonor! But gosh the cholesterol!”

Minkyung nudged her with a grin. “Seriously, come on.” Her smile fell, but her eyes remained gentle. “You can fool everyone else, but not me. When we dance in pairs during the second verse, you’re so stiff and tense. It’s like you’re trying to sit on as little of my knee as possible. When we hold hands, it’s like… like I’m holding a strip of cardboard. We fall behind the beat because you won’t stand closer to me.”

Kyungwon didn’t speak. She couldn’t. She listened as guilt washed over her and her heart throbbed painfully. On the outside, she just dried the bowls until they were squeaky clean.

“Tell me,” pleaded Minkyung. “I don’t want us to be like this.”

“I don’t want us to be like this either.” Kyungwon stared blankly out the window.

The sun shone brightly, but she felt so cold. She placed the bowls in the cabinet and the spoons in the drawer. A hand wrapped itself around her thin wrist, urging her to turn around. The hurt and confusion, the distance she could see in Minkyung’s deep brown eyes. It felt like needles in her chest. She figured if she was going to breach this topic, she’d better do it now while her escalating emotions made her more reckless by the second.

“Are you… attracted to anyone?”

Minkyung tilted her head. “What does that have to do with anything? I’m not shirking my responsibilities to the group, if that’s what you’re suspecting.”

“No, no,” Kyungwon said frantically. “I just mean, do you… I don’t know, do you…” Minkyung waited patiently. Kyungwon was shaking from the pressure bubbling up inside her. She sighed and waltzed over to the table so she wouldn’t have to face Minkyung. She picked at a hole in the wooden surface and mumbled, “Are you attracted to other girls?”

The silence was deafening. The tension was so thick, Kyungwon could serve up a slice of it to every member. After an excruciatingly long minute, Minkyung spoke, her voice low and authoritative.

“Kyungwon.”

“It’s fine if you are!” Kyungwon blurted. “Men, women. Both, neither. As long as they're human, or nobody. It’s all c-cool.” Kyungwon squeezed her eyes shut at the accidental stutter.

“Kyungwon. Look at me.” Minkyung took two long strides to the table.

Kyungwon swiped the carton and rushed over to the fridge with her back still turned. “R-really, I’m f-fine with any of it. I was just c-curious about your orientation. If you’re s-still figuring it out, woohoo!” She blinked away the tears and jammed the milk into the available shelf space on the door. Slamming the door shut, she turned around to escape to the bathroom and gasped. Their noses were mere centimeters apart. Minkyung glided forward until Kyungwon’s back hit the fridge.

“Why does it matter?”

The words slithered out of Minkyung’s lips, smooth and alluring, providing false comfort. It was the kind of voice one used to goad information out of victims. Kyungwon breathed in deeply, the scent of Minkyung’s shampoo clouding her judgment. Dare she say Minkyung’s voice was as attractive in this instant as it was terrifying.

“Why does it matter what my preference is?” Minkyung asked again with a slight growl.

“It… doesn’t…” Just as the last syllable left her tongue, Kyungwon’s eyes flashed downward, glimpsing the one thing she desired most.

The floor seemed to disintegrate beneath her feet. By the glint in Minkyung’s eyes, Kyungwon knew she had been caught. But instead of calling her out on it, Minkyung whispered, “You’re right. It doesn’t matter. I don’t like any guys or girls or anyone in between. I shouldn’t have to be labeled. None of them really apply anyway.”

Kyungwon nodded lifelessly. Her mind grew numb from an overdose of the best thing in her life, but her heart shriveled up in defeat. That was it. She had no chance. All she needed now was her baby bear Massie and the nice, isolated hallway closet.

She struggled not to choke on her words. “Right. Well. I better go—”

Minkyung curled her fingers around Kyungwon’s plaid collar. Her eyes pierced deep into Kyungwon’s soul, rendering her immobile. “But if you must call it something, you can say…” Minkyung tilted her head as if thinking hard, but then a wide grin revealed perfectly white teeth. “I’m a You-aholic.”

A long moment of silence followed. Minkyung’s smile never wavered as she watched Kyungwon attempt to form a coherent sentence.

“Aren’t those just Sones?”

Kyungwon felt dizzy. It was a genuine question so she wasn’t quite sure why Minkyung’s smile morphed into a smirk. That was dangerous. It made Kyungwon’s knees buckle and depleted her lungs of air.

“I really should enunciate,” teased Minkyung. She leaned in so close, Kyungwon could feel Minkyung’s breath on her skin. A soft giggle flitted into her ear. “I’m a Yuha-holic.”

Before Kyungwon could process anything, Minkyung had pulled her in by the collar and kissed her hard. Kyungwon’s hands snapped to Minkyung’s hips like magnets in an attempt to steady their weight, but Minkyung took this as encouragement.

Kyungwon didn’t mind as her aching back slammed against the steel fridge door. She didn’t notice the boxes above tumbling over the edge. She didn’t hear Siyeon yodeling about two members making out in the kitchen, nor did she notice how Siyeon knelt while lamenting the crushed Cinnamon Toast Crunch squares gifted by Kyla that littered the dusty floor.

Minkyung didn’t care for preferences. Whoever Kyungwon was, that was who Minkyung had set her sights on. When it finally hit Kyungwon like a bullet train, tears streamed down her cheeks. A salty kiss had never been so sweet, and damn was it addictive.