The snow lay on the ground. The stars shone bright. And me? I was completely damned. Cursed to the depths of hell. One hundred percent. And I was even in a church!

 

It all began when I decided to surprise my mom and come home for Christmas. I would have loved to stay in the city and spend the day with friends, but as the perpetual single girl surrounded by couples, the atmosphere just didn’t seem quite right. Instead of trying to find a new guy to spend the holiday with, I decided to hop in my car and drove the two hours to spend the two-day work holiday with my blood relatives.

Growing up, Mom and Dad raised my twin sister, Songhee, and I together in not a particularly religious home. School or career took precedence over thinking of the beyond and family time was judged more important than pursuing holiness. That all changed when my father passed away the year Songhee and I graduated from college.

“Songmi,” my mom said through the crackling phone connection, “I have met the best people at church. They have been such a comfort since your father’s passing. When he left me, I didn’t think I could live another day, but Pastor Kim and his wife reached out and brought me into their community and now I see what your father and I were missing all those years.”

I have never particularly clung to the idea of a Christian God though the idea of something beyond this life has it’s appeal. The rules and restrictions that religion seems to impose on its followers were not something my lifestyle could easily adapt to and I am not completely sold on the ‘true joy’ followers seem to radiate. As such, I politely listened to her ramblings during phone calls, just happy she had found some sort of comfort. Songhee and I would have loved to take better care of her, but she refused to leave the small town we grew up in and neither of us were able to leave the city for an extended period of time. Songhee because she was getting married to a big shot lawyer and me because I was the assistant working for one.

So this year, at twenty-five, I was going to go to my first Christmas Eve church service with my newly religious mother. I knew Songhee and her young son had gone down the day before to spend time with Mom so it would be like a mini reunion. Little did I know that Songhee’s visit would be my downfall.

When I pulled up to Mom’s house and knocked on the front door, I was not met with a happy, tearful mother, but rather a tearful sister. As fraternal twins, there were clear differences in our faces, but at the same time, anyone on the street would recognize from our brown-black hair and distinctive dark grey eyes that were siblings.

“Sis, you made it,” Songhee rasped out. As the quick-thinking, law assistant, I was able to decipher the tears in my sister’s eyes were due to illness, not happiness.

Then, her son Junki’s cry from the living room drew both of us into the house. I stopped to kick of my shoes at the door while she proceeded to the playpen to pick up and rock her eighteen-month-old son. I reached out to take him, thus limiting the spread of germs, but Songhee shook her head. As much as we didn’t look alike, our twin ‘telepathy’ worked just fine.

“No need. I got it from him.”

I nodded in response and plopped into an arm chair next to the television. “So where is Mom?”

Again, in an amazing show of our family’s non-verbal communication, the front door swung back open and Mom stepped into the house. Her face may have had a few more deep wrinkles than the last time I saw her and her hair may have been a bit more black than gray during my ious visit, but the smile on her face when she looked up and made eye contact with me was the same one that has comforted me since I was born. She quickly dropped her coat on the sofa to gather me in her arms.

“I am so happy you are here, Mimi. This is such a good surprise.” Even as her arms stayed wrapped around my waist, Mom began to speak to Songhee. “Lucky for us, Maemi’s grandson is visiting and can fill in, plus he will need his dad, so the only one we have left in Mary.”

I stood silently in Mom’s arms but began to shift uncomfortably when Songhee looked over at me with a grin that as children spelled absolute trouble. This was the same face she had whenever she made me do anything for her even though I knew she was taking advantage of my blind loyalty and obedience to my elder twin.

“Songmi can do it.”

 

And just like that, I found myself attending my first Christmas Eve church service, not in a formal dress sitting next to my mother and sister in the pew, but wrapped in what was pretty much a brown bathrobe with a blue dishcloth tied around my head and standing in a rear alcove of the church waiting for the rest of the live action nativity scene to arrive.

In the chairs to my right were a trio of around ten-year-old boys who dressed as shepherds found more joy in hitting each other with their shepherd’s crooks than in the holiday season itself. The female teenage angel on my left was grinning at the wise man of a similar age seated next to her, demonstrating a different kind of love than that of an angel for her God. The other wise men, more wisely than me, had hidden away their phones under their robes so that while we awaited our cue they could stay connected to the world of the internet.

The sound of approaching footsteps redirected my sight from the children I was surrounded by to the man turning the corner. When I met him an hour ago, I was stuck by how approachable Pastor Kim seemed. I know my mother attributes her attitude after my father’s death to the influx of religion, but I think, even in the absence of Christianity, Mom would have benefitted from friendship with the jovial Pastor Kim.

“Songmi,” the older man gestured for me to come out of the waiting room. “Thank you again for doing this. Your presence here will be such a blessing to the church. Come and meet your Joseph and baby Jesus.”

I stepped out of the room to be greeted by two small faces. Well, one was small because it was on a baby. The other was on the man holding the child, but his features gave him an air of refined masculinity. Even when dressed in as ridiculous of a costume as mine, this man seemed like a fashion model.

“Hi. I am Sehun and this is Seyoung.” The hand that freed itself from under the baby to wrap around mine was thin but strong.

The warmth of his hand struck me out of my ‘hot guy’ imposed stupor and I actually managed to reply with a clear “Nice to meet you. I am Songmi.”

Sehun’s hand squeezed mine once more before releasing it to wrap instead around the baby in his arms.

Pastor Kim placed a gentle hand on both of our shoulders, though he did have to reach up significantly higher for Sehun’s than mine, as he said he would leave us to get settled since he had to go and greet the rest of the congregation before the service started. With a final reminder that his wife would be letting us know when to process in, the older man disappeared down the hall and back into the sanctuary.

“I am going to warn you ahead of time that Seyoung can get a bit fussy. As Mary, you are supposed to hold him, but if he gets too much, feel free to hand him over to me.” The tall man gently rocked the baby in his arms as Seyoung slipped into the state between wakefulness and napping. “Hopefully, I can get him to sleep before any of this starts and then maybe we won’t have any problem.”

Pretending to be oblivious to the handsome man standing just inches away, I leaned in closer to look at the baby. Just as I would do with my nephew Junki, I placed a gentle hand on Seyoung’s stomach and tapped my fingers. The baby wrapped a small fist around my pinky finger and was asleep in seconds.

“You have got to teach me how to do that.” I looked up only to meet eyes with Sehun and realize we were way too close, but that the distance was impossible to change with the infant between us.

I let out as soft of a giggle as I could manage keeping in mind the sleeping infant between us. “My sister actually taught this to me. Her son was extremely difficult to get to sleep when he was around eight months old and she discovered rubbing his chest was a sure-fire way to put him down. I am sure that Seyoung’s mother has her own tricks if he is actually as fussy as you say.”

Due to our proximity, I couldn’t help but notice the slight droop to Sehun’s eyes and mouth. He couldn’t even meet my eyes when he said, “She might have, but now I can’t learn them from her. Seyoung is my nephew. His parents passed away a few months ago and I have been helping to take care of him with my mom until we can make a more permanent arrangement for him.”

With my right hand trapped in a tight baby-fist, I could only use my left to wrap around Sehun. Even though I work with courtroom arguments, I know there are sometimes when words are just not enough and human contact is what is needed to get the right amount of emotion across.

Caught in my own thoughts of what it would be like to lose Songhee and her family, I began to pat Sehun’s back the same way that I had patted Seyoung. I broke out of my thoughts to a burst of air against the side of my throat and a rumble against my forehead. Sehun’s chuckled, “Are you trying to get me to sleep too?” felt far more intimate than it should have. But with the way our arms were entangled while my head rested against his chest and his on my shoulder, even the baby between us could not stop me from being far too physically aware of the handsome man before me than would ever be appropriate in a church.

My tiny step backward would have probably made Sehun think I was not interested, it had worked in the past whenever guys got too close and I wanted to maintain my single status, but the blush on my checks and my unintentional lip-bite obviously conveyed something else to him as he moved forward to fill the space I retreated from.

A brave arm made its way down to pull my left arm up before it was weighted down with a sleeping infant. Now that Seyoung was occupying both of my arms and neither of Sehun’s, the man took the opportunity to wrap his hands around my lower back, trapping me against him, only separated by a sleeping baby and our silly brown bathrobes.

“We should get the generalities out of the way before we do this. Don’t you think?”

His voice seemed to drop an octave accompanied by my checks reaching a new shade of red. I couldn’t meet his eyes as I nodded back until a sharp squeeze of his hand on my waist made my eyes shoot back up to his.

“Sehun. Twenty-seven. Investment banker. Single.”

My eyes stayed locked with his as I responded in kind, completely lost as to what is going on.

“Songmi. Twenty-five. Law assistant. Single.”

Sehun’s smile caused his eyes to crinkle slightly and the whole effect was simply magnetic.

 “Currently playing Joseph.”

It was my turn to smile.

“Currently playing Mary.”

“In church as a favor to my mother.”

“Same.”

Sehun’s smile grew even brighter if possible, but mine was lost in confusion at his next statement.

“Uncle and guardian of Seyoung, but wanting to be a real daddy.”

My eyebrows drew together. Maybe I was misreading the situation, and Sehun’s statement was totally innocent. He was now in charge of Seyoung and he wanted to be like a real father to the infant. But then again, maybe I was not misreading the situation and Sehun had a totally different reason for using the word ‘daddy’. If I wasn’t the only one feeling the tension here, then Sehun did a much better job of guessing my preferences than any other man I had ever met.

A few seconds, which felt like hours, passed of me searching Sehun’s brown eyes for the answer to why he used the words that he did before I just opened my mouth to ask. However, Sehun quickly unwrapped one arm from my waist only to replace it on my hand resting on Seyoung’s chest as he stepped to the side and turned his body to face the same direction as mine.

A squeeze via the remaining hand on my waist redirected my attention to the woman striding down the hallway toward us, just as much as her soft squeal did.

“Oh my goodness,” Pastor Kim’s wife said as she approached, “you two, excuse me, you three, are just perfect. You all look like the perfect little family. It is such a blessing you happened to visit your mothers today. We are ready for you to go in now. When this hymn is over, my husband is going to read the Christmas story and you all can go and sit around the altar. Oh, I am just so happy you all are here. Go on over to the sanctuary and I will get the rest of the kids.” The petite older woman gushed out all her praises and then tottered back into the alcove where the violent shepherds, flirty angel, and tech-savvy wise men were waiting.

“Come on. Let’s go.” With a soft hand on my back, Sehun guided me to the sanctuary doors to await our cue. Since it was show time, I abandoned any hope of further conversation, and especially clarification, from Sehun. He was a handsome man, who obviously had a heart of gold, taking care of his orphaned nephew, but was a complete enigma in any and all other aspects.

“… Christ our savior is born.”

The congregation sang the last line of the hymn and the final chord from the organ began to fade out when Sehun leaned his head down to whisper in my ear. “I hope to be a good father to Seyoung, but if you would like, I can be a good daddy to you.”

He drew his face back from mine to look directly into my eyes, watching them dilate as a blush again colored my checks. I again wondered how it is possible for a man to read me so well.

With a smirk, so different from my sister’s and yet so similar in how I just knew it meant trouble for me, Sehun leaned back down to again whisper in my ear, “Do a good job tonight and Daddy will give you a nice present for Christmas, okay baby girl?”

Hidden by my head covering and hair, Sehun snuck a kiss to the side of my head before he guided me into the sanctuary and up the aisle toward the alter. He settled Seyoung and I down onto the prepared seat tracing a finger down the sleeping child’s check then running his hand over mine. My eyes followed his every movement as he stood up straight on my side leaving a hand resting on my shoulder where he rubbed his thumb on my back. The gentle circling should have released any tension in the muscle, but instead I only became more aware of a tension building elsewhere in my body. The delighted sighs from the women in the congregation woke me back up to full awareness of where I was. They may have found the Mary and Joseph of their Christmas Eve nativity to be adorable, but I can tell you Mary at least was working through some stuff of her own.

I glanced up at Sehun just as he happened to look down at me. From the congregation, they saw the handsome Joseph’s lips curl up and his eye squint as if he was smiling gentle at his wife and child. From my perspective, I saw Sehun’s deadly smirk and felt the warmth of his hand as he ran it further down my back.

The congregation listened to Pastor Kim recite the Christmas story: the birth and welcoming of the Christ child by those of the community, shepherds and wise men, and his parents, the carpenter Joseph and the Mary. Fortunately, the congregation could not hear the thoughts of the woman playing Mary on that particular Christmas Eve because my thoughts were not particularly al.

So, as I leaned back against Sehun’s side and gently rocked the still sleeping infant in my lap, I resigned myself to the fact that I am probably damned. My very first Christmas church service and instead of leaving with a new understanding of God, I may have gotten a new Daddy. Well, at least I won’t necessarily be celebrating Christmas day single.

 

 

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Well, there it is! Hope you enjoyed whatever it is I just wrote.

As I said in the Foreword, if anyone thinks this needs to be tagged with any warnings or marked M, let me know and I will do so. Also, this is largely unedited so let me know if you catch any errors.

<3 Sisi