I always said I would let go when the time really came, but as they're slowly putting the coffin with you in it into the vehicle, I crumble like everyone else. The tears streamed down my face and my body shook in disbelief. You're really gone, that was it. Around me, I should have been overwhelmed by the cries and the sadness; instead, I was overwhelmed by how much I was feeling my own emotions. Something new with you even to the last, Jjong. I always told you I was never the type to express emotions, yet, here I am.

I wanted to say don't go. I wanted to scream. I wanted you to be alive.

I wanted to trade everything I have for you to come back.

But everything moved forward, in a pace that was so excruciating. My teary eyes caught Onew's and they were sad as he stared at me impassively. I wanted to comfort him but how could I when I couldn't comfort myself at that moment. I cried even more. Without a care. God damn it, Jonghyun. 

Don't go. I wanted to say, but it stayed stuck onto the tip of my tongue. Please.

In the end, as the car pulled away, I remember something you used to say to me, "It's never really goodbye, just, see you soon."