For how many times I told myself I'm over him, I tried counting it as he in and out of me. For every spell of his touch, I can't dare to say I dont like it this way. The harder the deeper he buries himself into me, the harder it is for me to say “Let's stop this”, the deeper my love for him grows.

 "You're beautiful."

"You are mine."

For every whisper he does, I found myself wanting for more, wanting not for more pleasure, but wanting him to say more than those words, I want him to say that he love me, I want to hear it coming from his lips that used to be my favorite thing in the world.

"I don't wanna lose you."

"I can't stand seeing you with anyone else."

With those words, I sometimes think that maybe, just maybe, he loves me the way I love him.

But no, he'll always prove me I'm wrong. The moment the moon and the stars bids goodbye, and the sun rise to shine to say that today is a brand new day,  I'll found myself alone, in the bed where we made memories that only me will cherish.

I'll close my eyes, and will picture out the things we did last night, as the teardrops escaped my eyes, I asked myself, will the day ever come that I will see myself in his arms in the morning, and he'll say he had the best night, because it’s me and it’s him, it’s us who made love to each other. Someday, someday he'll feel the same way.

But he'll always prove me wrong. I'll always find myself opening the door for him every night as soon as I hear him knock. I used to be so excited seeing him at my front door, but as the times goes by, I'll just found myself tearing up whenever I hear him ring the doorbell, the excitement turned into pain. The pain of the reality that we'll just probably stay like this, that we're not beyond buddies,  the reality that he'll only come to me for pleasure, and I'll welcome him for love.

The countless nights we shared together,  the countless s he'll do until he got satisfied, the countless words he'll say to make me yearn more for his touch, the countless times I tried to be strong to get enough of his hold. I tried a countless times to get rid of this feeling, and I failed a countless times.

The day came that I told to myself, "That day will never come, he'll never love me and I have to get over him, now or never."

That was when I saw him dancing with a girl at the dance floor of the club I happened to drop by that night. I was there to pour out all the heartaches deep inside me, but I never thought that would just break me instead. They were smiling, so close to each other, enjoying the beat of the music as they laugh with each other's whispers. I don’t want to see them, but I can't help but to watch them from afar. That should be me.

My legs trembled as I stood up from the seat at the counter bar. I have to leave this place. I have to escape the reality. That he doesn’t love me, no matter how many times we share the night together in bed.

I bumped with the people on my way out to the club and ran until I ran out of breath. I ran and ran, but why can't I still run away from my feelings? 

I went home that night in messed. I cried and cried till I feel better, but not really better cause the pain inside me will never be wipe away by anything.

I was all alone in the dark, praying that someone will give me light and comfort, and that was when the doorbell rang. It was past midnight and I was not expecting anyone to come by at that time, except for the man I saw earlier at the club.

I hesitated for a bit, and a question just suddenly crossed into my mind.

"Why does he keep coming back here when he have someone who can give him so much pleasure more than me?"

Is it that maybe, maybe it’s more fun for him to toy someone like me, someone who never declined his touch.

I wiped my tears and stood up, and found myself walking straight to the door to let him in, again, but this time, with a different thought.

"This will be the last time I'll let you in. This will be the last time I'll yearn for your touch. This will be the last time I'll let you break me once again."

And that night, right after the door was opened, I was greeted by a desperate kiss. Not letting me speak, he started undressing me, while not letting his lips away from mine. He was drunk, I can taste the liquor on him and that made me crave for more.

Tonight, I'll let myself get drunk with the pleasure, for the last time.

I pushed myself closer to him, not wanting a space between us. And the tears can't help but to fall when I wrap my arms around his neck, kissing him back, tongue to tongue, tasting every inch of him. A moan escaped my lips, a mixed of pleasure and sob.

He pulled away to take a look at me, and I wonder what is that thing in his eyes that always keeps me pushing myself to love him more, and I thought, maybe because its his and it’s just that I love everything about him.

"Why are you-"

The lust is always visible on those eyes at a times like this, but tonight, there is something different, like he cares and he treasures me, like he looks at me the way I look at him, like how my eyes tell the words that I couldn't speak.

But he might actually prove me that I'm wrong again.

Not answering him, I owned his lips again. I kissed him with so much pain and desires as if it will give him the answer to his question.

Because I love you, and it ing hurts.

But those words remain unheard.

Everything went wild as we walked upstairs to my bedroom. Like the usual nights we had, we touched every inch of each other's skin. I can feel his lips all over my body, he explored all the things that was only for him.

"I love how you are always this tight, hyun." he said as he entered me.

I cupped his cheeks as I look straight at him in the eye. Now that I am under him, I don’t know if I'll be able to get over him. How I wish that this night never ends and I want us to stay like this forever but I know that this will end soon. I'll have to end it or it will kill me.

I was with pleasure, but then the tears started to fall.

" Am I hurting you?" he stopped his movement and push aside the hair that was almost covering my eyes.

"It hurts Sunggyu. It ing hurts so much, don't stop, I don't want this to end, claim me for I am all yours."

My hand then went into his nape and I pulled him closer into me, I slightly tilted my head and whispered the words that I am dying to say ever since the beginning. The words that I am dying to hear from him.

"I love you, Sunggyu. I love you so much."

And with those words, he started ing into me again as he hungrily owned my lips. A kiss that I can't exactly tell what it means.

A loud cry filled the room all night, mixed of pleasure and pain.

I slept that night knowing that the man beside me will soon be gone as the sun rises. Things will definitely change and I have to get away with it, it will never be easy but I have to get rid of this damn feeling, I have to move on and be strong enough to never let him in again the next time.

But then, I was wrong. I kinda feel that something is odd and new as soon as I woke up. There was an arm wrapped around me giving me warmth. And I thought, 

"I must be dreaming."

Not wanting to end the dream soon, I closed my eyes trying to take another good nap.  I don’t mind staying asleep forever if this is how nice the dream would be.

Then the arms around me tightened and made me closer to the other. I can feel his breath above my head, I can feel how his chest went up and down against mine..

I snuggled closer even if there's already no space between us. I want to feel him. I'm afraid to open my eyes and know that this is all just a dream.

Soon his lips landed on my forehead, giving a long kiss, this feels so nice.

Then his lips transferred on the tip of my nose.

He lifted my chin up with his finger and then gave me a long sweet kiss. No lust, no tongue involved. Just an innocent one and it gave me butterflies on my stomach.

I finally opened my eyes to look up at him when he pulled away. He was staring at me and smiling and I can't help but to smile at him too.

This is the first time I saw his face first in the morning. It is the first time that I woke up with him beside me. This is all what I have been wishing for but this is odd and I can't help but to get confused why it is suddenly happening now.

"Why are you still-"

"Because I decided, I will not runaway anymore hyun." he shut me up with his index finger on my lips.

"I will be braver as you, and I won't stay being a jerk all my life."

"Hyun, I love you too, I love you more than what you think." he said as he took my hand into his chest.

"Can you feel my heart?  This is how it beats whenever I'm with you. I'm afraid that it’s not the same for you so I am running away as far as I could from you,  but then I'll always find myself coming back to you, wanting more of you. I never thought that you would feel the same way. All this time, I thought this is all just for the pleasure we are getting from each other, I thought this means nothing to you. But I was wrong, I'm sorry hyun. I'm sorry for hurting you."

Tears started to rolled down again. This is all just too good to be true and I can't believe this is happening now.

"You don't know how much it means to me every night you're with me. All those things I have done with you, I've done them for love. I thought, this day will never come. The day that you'll tell me you love me too the way I love you, but then you prove me I’m wrong." I said those words as I hardly sobbed.

"You don't know how much I waited for this, to wake up beside you and feel that everything was right."

"I'm sorry hyun huh? I will never leave you again. I'll always stay with you, I'll take care of you and I'll love you, forever."

I buried my face into his chest as I hugged him so tight. I really love this man so much. We stayed like that for a while until I calmed.

And then soon, he hovered on top of me, and supported his weight on his elbow.

"Let me make it up to you. Let me show you how much I love you."

He leaned closer and soon his lips finally landed against mine.

When I thought that last night would be the last, he prove me that I am wrong, because here I am again. Now that I am under him again, I am under his spell, I am under his love, and that’s what all I wished for. I won’t really be able to get over him. Well, I won’t have to do that anymore right?

Ah, I  love it how he always proved to me that I am wrong.

Hello! The crappy author is back! of course, with a new crap. Hoho! ^_^ 

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Thank you for reading!