2 months

Today marks two months after the last time Kyungsoo saw Joohyun. The first few weeks Kyungsoo kept on looking for her. He went to her apartment, only to be greeted by an empty place. He asked the owner of the building where she went, and sadly enough, the owner had no clue of his ex-tenant’s whereabouts. He took a 3-hour train to Daegu, her hometown, to look for her parents’ house, only to find out that they’ve just recently moved. He asked the office employees about her, but nobody knew where she went because the only thing the manager of her department received was her resignation letter. Everything led to a dead end. Kyungsoo looked everywhere, but she was nowhere.

So he decided to move. He moved into a new house that was located a bit farther from the city but still close enough for him to travel to work each day. He left his old apartment because it had too many memories of her. The place witnessed the cuddle nights, the spontaneous movie-making sessions, deep talks at the balcony and their first night together. It reminded him of the time he felt so happy and so in love that it hurts just being there. It hurts being in a place where he could replay scenes of his beautiful memories with Joohyun, now that she’s no longer tangible, no longer there. His mind could be playing games with him making the memories feel so real, as if she was still standing in front of the TV ironing his clothes. But, the missing presence of the leading actress cannot be disregarded. The empty hole in his heart is too deep to ignore.

He was now sitting on a white sofa that was facing his backyard. It was raining outside, but the weather could not compare to tears streaming down his face. It has been two months, but there he sat, still rereading the letter for the umpteenth time now. The letter that he received two weeks after Joohyun left. After Joohyun completely disappeared out of his life.

Kyungsoo-ah,

You might think this is weird how I’m writing a letter to you when it’s 2021. I know I’m a coward for doing this, but I don’t think there’s any other way for me to say what I’m going to say here. 

The past five years of being with you were the best five years of my life. I cherish every single moment of it. Thank you for showing me what true love is, for showing me that love isn’t just words you say to someone. That love is not just a four-letter word. That love is so much more than that. Thank you for always being there for me when I needed you. Thank you for loving me more than I deserve. Thank you for looking at me like I’m some princess. Thank you for dreaming with me, that our dreams are supposed to be reached and not buried away.

I know how hard it is to try and talk to me. I know how difficult I am as a person. I know how hard it is for you to come to me, which is why I’m letting you go. I love you so much, I don’t want to hurt you. I know this might sound selfish, me leaving you with nothing but a single letter. It might even be easier to die than to receive your forgiveness for what I did. But I don’t know if my true feelings will ever reach you. I don’t know if I can ever be good enough for you. You deserve so much better, you deserve the best.

This is my last farewell. Please be happy, Kyungsoo-ah. Find someone you deserve, someone that suits you.

Love,                     

Bae Joohyun.

Kyungsoo was confused. Loving someone should never have insinuated pain as if his entire heart is being torn and twisted, but why does he feel that way? Why does his heart feel like it’s being stepped on? Why does his chest feel tight? Why is it so hard to breathe? Is this how it feels like? Is this how love supposed to feel like? Don’t actors and actresses in movies get a happy ending? The guy gets the girl and lives happily ever after. How did the so-called romance movie he always described their relationship now turns a lot more like a tragic movie? Kyungsoo didn’t know. Never once in his life has he ever been so in love with anyone or anything.

3 months

3 months later and not a single day goes by without Kyungsoo pressing his speed dial to Joohyun’s phone number. He kept calling for her but she never answered. Even if it goes straight to voicemail. Even until the number ceased to exist and only echoes kept coming back to him. Kyungsoo felt pitiful of himself. He wanted to call because he thought maybe if he cursed at her for breaking his heart in the blink of an eye or be mad at her for ruining one of the best things in his life. Be furious at her for leaving without an explanation. Call her names for being the reason he was messed up the past three months. Just maybe, it would make him feel better about it all. But Kyungsoo knew. He knew that if she did answer, the second she answers his call, he would cry and smile at the same time. He would swallow his pride and ask her to come back. Come back to him. Be with him. Stay with him.

4 months

It has been four months since she left and Kyungsoo started smoking again. She was the reason he quit smoking. Yet it’s an irony that she was also the reason he lit that cigarette back up. He writes ‘I still love you’ on each cigarette and hopes that with each one he burns, he would mean it a little less.

He was a wreck. Every night was spent at a bar drowned in alcohol. Each of his friends would take turns in driving him home. His parents became worried that