Hello, it's me, I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet? To go over everything. They say that time's supposed to heal ya, but I ain't done much healing.

I've dialed your number a hundred times, but I always hang up. I am a coward. You were right. You don't know I have your number. Or your passcode. I never get far enough to type it in. I don't know what I would say.

"Hey," is not an appropriate greeting after all that we have been through.

"Kris hyung," isn't either.

"I'm sorry," maybe?

I do not know. And that scares me. Hurts me.

We used to be so close...

Now we don't even talk. Not to, or about, eachother. Not in your case anyway.

I have apologized to you a thousand times through the camera and yet, I cannot bring myself to do it over the phone or...face to face.

If you were to punch me, I would deserve it. I would let you.

I would like to think that I have grown. Matured. Healed the emotional hurt inside of me that led to all the things I didn't say...and everything I did. If I could go back and do it all again...I only think I would have asked you why. But I see why now. Too little, too late.

I've been in America for a month now. Recovery and...study. I have left the group and...filed suit against SM. Just like you.

I wish you would agree to meet with me. I know we will never be like we were before but...I still owe you an apology. An explanation.

---

Hello, can you hear me? I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be. When we were younger and free, I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet. There's such a difference between us, And a million miles.

Do you remember that time we went to Disneyland in California? We thought we were so big to have earned such a trip. I see now what our managers were trying to do. They succeeded. We followed their every word. Believed in everything they said. Our lives were magic, and they were our fairy godmothers.

Things changed so quickly after that. Our group took off, and we were all over the place at once, and it was such a rush. Until the rush fell off. We were overworked. Undernourished. Falling over from exhaustion. Nursing our wounds.

"Just a few more days and you can rest," they said.

So we pushed on. We believed. We held on for a few more years and...that rest never came. Even when we took our trip to the sea we were filming a show. We could not truely relax. We could not be who we wanted to be or...who we really were.

I am relaxing now of course but...if I do not...all my dreams are done for. The damage to my leg is severe. The doctors here say that it may never fully heal but...they say they are doing all that they can.

I feel the worst betrayal was when I had my father post the news of my departure instead of writing it myself. I just didn't know what to say, or...how to say it. I should have reached out to you and apologized before I said anything to anybody. I am sorry for that. I cannot imagine how you must have felt. Maybe you felt as I did? I do not know. Our love for one another had long since died out.

I would like to go to you. Hold you in my arms. Tell you what a mistake I made. But the distance between us is too great now. Not just physically. The damage I have done can never be repaired.

You and I are a million miles away.

---

Hello from the other side. I must've called a thousand times. To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done, But when I call you never seem to be home.

You've changed your number again I see. Did someone tell you that I had it?

You moved on to bigger, better things, hyung, and you left me behind. Alone. I didn't know what to do or...how to act, so I lashed out. I said some terrible things, showed an ugly face to our fans. Caused those fans to lash out against you and put you down for abandoning your brothers. Abandoning me. If only they knew.

But I am sorry for my impulsive words. My thoughtless actions. Truely. I just wish...that you would let me tell you this.

---

Hello from the outside. At least I can say that I've tried. To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart, But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart, Anymore.

I've sent you letters, messages, left posts where you could see them, I even got up the nerve to call the number I had for you and leave you a message but, it all seems to have been in vain. I have damaged you beyond repair and...you have finally moved past the hurt. I am glad. Maybe one day I will be able to do the same as well.

---

Hello, how are you? It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry. I hope that you're well. Did you ever make it out of that town where nothing ever happened?

Are you well, Gege? Are you eating right? Dressing warm? Taking your vitamins? Are you happy where you are?

I see you everywhere now and yet...I have seen you no where at all. I hope that you are alright. That you are happy.

You smile often but...that was one of the first things we learned as trainees. To smile through the pain. To sacrifice our happiness for our dreams.

Your fame is world wide now, and I am glad. That was the biggest dream you ever had. To be recognized as more than what SM let you be. You are still an inspiration to me.

---

It's no secret that the both of us, Are running out of time.

People often ask if given the chance, I would try to rekindle what we had. Of course I tell them yes. I treasured the friendship and camaraderie we had but...our love will never be rekindled. And the cold silences you give when asked about me tell me a friendship will never be again. We seem to have run out of time. Maybe...we only ever had borrowed time to begin with.

---

So hello from the other side. I must've called a thousand times. To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done, But when I call you never seem to be home.

I hope you saw the broadcast today. Or that someone else saw it and told you about it. That is as honest as I will ever get. It was terrifying, and freeing. I poured my heart out to all of the world to see, and told them of my betrayal towards you. I took the blame there. Because I love you still. We are one. No matter how far apart we drift. I doubt you'll watch it though. You still seem to nurse that grudge in your soul. But please don't take it out on the others. They were just as shocked and saddened by my departure as I was by yours. They have done admirably in carrying on. But they won't speak to me since my betrayal either.

---

Hello from the outside. At least I can say that I've tried. To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart, But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart, Anymore.

This is the last time I will try and reach out to you. The last time I will tell you I am sorry. I am sorry for the harsh things I said against you. I am sorry that I spoke from a broken heart and a confused mind. I am sorry I let my temper get the best of me. I am sorry that I did not reach out sooner to try and apologize. To explain. But I have grown now. I would like to think I am a better person than what I was before. And I am sorry I will never have the chance to show you face to face. But I am glad you have moved on, for I have moved on as well.

fins