My Love
Description
Inspired by Evanescence 'My Immortal'.
Foreword
"I'm so tired of being here."
The journal at the side of my bed tells me everything I need to know and yet...I remember none of it. Not the faces, or the names. The so called special dates. The foods I like. Not even you. I know in my heart that I should. That I want to even. But I don't think I ever will. The calendar on the wall says that it's been 487 days since the accident everyone tells me I had. Why won't they tell me more than that?
"Suppressed by all my childish fears."
I know I'm not a child. I promise I am not fragile. I can not break any more than I already have. But everyone treats me like glass. They tiptoe around me, and whisper in hushed circles, and tell me everything will be okay.
It isn't.
The stress is what causes my regressions. The not knowing. Never getting answers to the questions that I ask. I ask because I need to know. I need to get past this. My friends cannot hold my hand forever. They have done it long enough.
I do fear the answers some days. Others, I just think I do not want to know. That is the child in me. That is the suppression of my healing. I cannot do this anymore. I will not.
"And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave, 'Cause your presence still lingers here, And it won't leave me alone."
The hardest part, I think, is that I do remember everyone else now. But not you. Never you. It doesn't matter how long...how hard...I sit and try. You moved into your studio on the other side of town so that I wouldn't be reminded of what you had done, but no one will tell me what that was. I promise you are forgiven. It can't have been anything as bad as you make it out to be.
Did you love me once?
Did I love you in return?
Is that why you keep so far away from me?
Can you not handle it that I do not even know who you are?
The notebook at the side of the bed tells me but...I guess it's taken a while to fill in your page. I understand completely if you grew tired of waiting for me to remember you. I am deeply sorry.
I found a picture today...it must have fallen under the bed in your haste to be gone from the home we once shared. It makes no sense at all and yet...it feels strangely familiar.
"Kim Namjoon. Leader of Bangtan Sonyeondan. Quick witted. Intelligent. Kind to those he cares for. Loyal. Best Friends. 3 months younger. He will change the world one day."
We do not look like friends in the picture that I see. We look more like lovers. These questions are driving me insane. Please just tell me what we are or...what we were. Maybe then I'll remember. Maybe then I can move on.
"These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase."
I screamed at you to tell me what happened. Climbed onto the ledge of my third story apartment and refused to come down until someone told me the truth. The whole truth.
Now I see why no one ever told me. I cannot even begin to process this pain I feel inside of me. What must it have been like for you?
I wanted to jump. I did. I would have. If not for you. I love you. YOU, Namjoonah. I know this now. I'm just sorry I figured it out so late. I'm sorry that I could not save you, when you so selflessly saved me.
"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears. When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears. And I held your hand through all of these years, But you still have all of me."
I held you as you drew your last breaths. Blood mixed with tears and I knew you would not be long for this world. That bullet was meant for me but...I was always just a pawn in someone elses game, wasn't I? Please tell me I was never a pawn in yours. Tell me that you loved me as I loved you. Even if it was in those final moments when you realized your life was over. Tell me that you loved me without reserve. Without question. This pain may be slightly less then.
I love you Kim Namjoon. Since that first day that we met in the coffee shop down the street from the office building where I interned. I did everything for you. Everything you asked me to. Even when you were thousands of miles away, or too busy to make it home for the dinner you promised we would have or...when your career took off and the spotlight was all that you could see. I believed you. I believed in you. I refused to see the truth. I refused to let you go and find a better me. I held you as your life fell apart. I loved you when you had nowhere to turn. I gave myself to you in ways I will never give myself to another. I gave you everything I had.
"You used to captivate me by your resonating light, Now I'm bound by the life you left behind."
So many questions run through my head now. How will I survive? What will I do with you no longer here? Who will hold me when I cry for you? Who will calm me when you come to haunt me in my dreams?
You are still the kindest soul that I know. So understanding. So forgiving. Your smile will forever remain a beacon of light. A sign of hope for all the good that is still left in this world. It is a smile I know you gave only to me. Precious and pure, but so very painful and glorious to see.
Our son will be here soon. I wish that you could be here to see. I fear because of him, I shall never truely heal. A constant reminder of what will never be. Of what you and I will never have again.
"Your face—it haunts my once pleasant dreams."
The memories of the time we spent together haunt me; oppress me. I don't think I'll ever be able to let you go, even when you are already gone.
I hear you speaking to me, and I fear I've gone insane. I see you in the corner of my eye, and it takes me a moment to remember that you are no longer with us.
Our son looks so much like you. He will be my constant reminder. The punishment I shall have to endure for not remembering you sooner. I will love him with all the love I still have for you. I will treasure him above all others.
"Your voice—it chased away all the sanity in me."
I kept that stupid old phone that doesn't even work just to hear the voicemails you left me. To read the messages that you wrote. I know it isn't healthy but...I refuse to ever forget you again. I will not forget your face. Your voice. Your laugh. I will make sure our son knows them as well. I will make sure he knows that you would have loved him had you known.
"I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone, But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along."
It has been five years, Joonah. Five long, hard years of knowing you are gone. Knowing you will never come back to me. I have finally accepted this. I must move on. If not for me, then for our precious son. You will forever hold my heart, but our son needs a father, and I must admit I've found another. He is good to me...to us. He knew you once upon a time. Said you had been friends back before he lost himself. He seems like such a good man. And he has promised to help our son know the kind of man you were, and to love him as his own. I can ask for no better. I love him. But I will still be here for you, and one day I know we will meet again. Wait for me. I'll be there soon.
fin
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