AN:  Sana's chapter is sadder than the first lol but I felt she deserved her part of the story told.  Too bad it's terribly written.  Only leave a comment if your gonna tell me how this is. I'm sorry

Sana was never afraid of love. Her mom raised her that way. She received chocolates every valentines day until she started school – “now it’s your turn to show someone you love them”- and Sana was thrilled about it.

She held a box of home-mades in her hand, and spied her kindergarten classroom carefully.

She wasn’t picky. Kaito was nice to her since the first day (he even offered to tie her shoes once; as gallant as that was she was trying a new style that day, laces undone). There was Reo, and Yuta, and Sora.

She caught a glimpse of Akari sitting in the front row, and blushed, looking down at her box and gripping the ribbon tight. Turning her gaze back to the boys in the room she noted the Chinese exchange student, he was very soft-spoken and it made Sana want to protect him. Then in a clutter of screaming and laughter the last group of kids walked in, one of them being her neighbor Hinata. He waved to her as soon as he saw her, and it made the tips of her ears burn.

She approached him enthusiastically.

“This is for you! Happy Valentines Day!”

All the noise around her washed away. Hinata stared at her, then at the chocolates, and then back up at her with little tears in his eyes. Sana nearly teared up herself, worried she’d done something wrong.

“Thank you,” he mumbled. His friends jostled him around, jealous he got chocolates on Valentines Day. “I-I don’t know how I’ll eat all of these.”

Sana laughed, watching him wipe away more tears. “You can eat one for every meal!”

This didn’t seem to appease him, clearly too overwhelmed to process anything. Finally their teacher came in, ushered all the children into their seats, and began the lesson.

(Hinata was so moved his mother brought him over later to say thank you again. Finishing the chocolates turned out to be no problem – Sana was able to carve through about half herself.)

Sana was never afraid to love; her mother raised her like that. And so when she was asked to audition for a Korean entertainment company, she was 100% confident in pursuing it. (She loved Girls Generation. So many pretty girls in pretty outfits doing pretty dances. Sana dedicated all her free time to learning the routines).

Her mother didn’t discourage her. She only asked once: “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“I’m sure.”

“How can I trust you?”

And so that’s how they ended up a concert, where Sana felt her heart thrumming to the bass of the speakers, her blood pulse to the pattern of flashing lights. Once she loved something she loved it to her dying breath, and when her mother caught the little sparkle in her eye, she knew. (so it was probably all the tears after saying goodbye that masked the little glint when she saw her roommate for the first time. “Uhh… sure?” The other girl scooted over, letting Sana hold onto her arm like a life raft, and bury her blush into her shoulder. Nobody saw, but it was there.)

Sana was so tired from practice. So tired. And yet she was still trying to play this little game of lining up all the empty water bottles so she could lie down on them. She saw it on TV once. Something about distribution of weight.

While she tried to get the measly 11 plastic bottles to hold her whole weight up, someone came barging into the room.

Momo –returned from the bathroom- no longer glistening with sweat, but still smelling quite a bit, and penguin dove towards Sana across the floor. She knocked Sana over onto her stomach, and both girls lay on the floor laughing until they found the strength to get back up.

“You ruined my experiment.”

“What experiment?”

Sana gestured towards the water bottles.

Momo ran a hand through her hair, still sweaty, and shook the perspiration off her fingers. “I never learned that in science class.”

“Me neither I saw it online.”

“Well that’s your problem!” Momo stuck out her tongue. “Stop watching so many videos and hang out with me instead!”

“Okay.” Sana looped their arms together. “Where are we going?”

“Uh.” Momo was trying to look at her, but Sana had her face super close. If Momo turned her head just a little, their lips might touch. Sana in her lips to hide her smile. She liked when she could put Momo on edge like this. It made something low in her stomach pinch.

“We s-still have practice,” Momo stammered. She shook Sana off and hurried over to the ipod dock. She took more time than usual setting up their song, so Sana took a moment.

While Momo wasn’t looking at her, she let her shoulders drop, her expression changed, unguarded, and let the thing in her stomach rise up into her chest. It was something she was used to, but still didn’t quite understand.

Her diary knew very well how long this was going on, how often Sana considered it.

“Come on! Get into position quick!”

Sana snapped back into reality, adjusting her feet, staring straight at her reflection in the mirror. Her traitorous eyes took a last glance over at Momo. She was biting her lip; her body taut. She looked focused, but also distracted somehow. Sana knew these things about Momo. Almost two years together and she felt it; they were closer than just friends.

Best Friends ! <3

Momo approved the caption and turned back to her own phone, failing at the same level of Candy Crush she’d been attempting for three months. The girls were in the waiting room for M Countdown. Sana tugged at the extensions in her hair.

She didn’t like the feeling of it; chalky and stiff. It made it uncomfortable to lay her head down. It itched around her ears.

“Stop fidgeting and lay down.”

Momo tugged her down onto the couch. Sana felt her head hit her hair helmet and winced.

Jihyo cast her a sympathetic smile from across the room.

“I hate it too,” she mouthed.

Sana wanted to pull her hair over her cheeks, knowing she was blushing, but she couldn’t. She just sighed, looked down at her lap, and pressed “Send” on the picture.

TWICE’s Instagram was flooded with replies almost instantly. She smiled reviewing the comments. People liked the picture. They liked her and Momo together. They liked her.

“Take one with Tzuyu!” 

"Where’s Mina?”

“Dahyunnie!!”

Sana laughed, tugging at the arm of the nearest member.

“What’s this?” Jeongyeon complained the entire time, but Sana got her into a headlock and as soon as the selfie camera appeared Jeongyeon plastered on a smile.

“ONCE wanted to see you,” she reasons.

Jeongyeon kicks at Sana’s shoe and leaves.

Sana is editing the picture when she feels another presence near her; Jihyo nudges her shyly.

“How come you didn’t ask me for a picture?”

Sana smiled wide.

“Come here then!” She pushed Momo aside with her to make room for Jihyo. (She half ended up in Sana’s lap, not that Sana was complaining.) After taking several bursts of selfies (only about two were decent enough to post) Jihyo got called up to get mic’d.

Sana giggled as she reviewed her new collection.

Suddenly Momo became interested, pushing Sana’s fingers away to examine the pictures at her own pace. “How come you didn’t take such nice pictures of me?”

Sana laughed. “Are you crazy? I posted the nicest one!”

Momo pouted. “Whatever. I guess you just don’t love me enough.”

“Momoringgg… how could you say that?” As Sana continued to defend her love and adoration she saw the beginnings of a smile on Momo’s face.

“You… you little .” Momo burst into laughter, blocking Sana’s fists. “I’m never saying once nice thing about you again!”

“You don’t have to!” Momo says between laughter. As the excitement dies down, Sana’s hands end up in Momo’s lap, Momo leaning back in the chair confidently. There’s a glint in her eye. “I already know what you think.”

Sana pulls her hands away.

“Okay.” Her ears burn. She looks back down at her phone. “Whatever.”

It’s love.

Her mother told her so.

“It’s love, my darling.” Sana could almost imagine her mother cradling her face, as if she were in the room with her right then. Instead she clutched at her phone, shaking, trying not to give it away.

She had never been afraid of love.

Not until the person she loved gave her reason to be afraid.

Sana lays out three stacks of clothing for their trip to the Netherlands. A Yes pile, a Maybe pile, and a No.

She puts a long sleeve striped shirt in the maybe. (If she loves me back, then…)

The acid wash shorts, although cute, are a definite no. (It’s inappropriate. It can never happen, with her, or with anyone.)

She sees a yellow tank top she and Nayeon bought together. Remembered how her cheeks flushed at the endless compliments Nayeon gave her when seeing her try it on. She lays it onto the Yes pile. (Her soulmate mark was due soon. It might be the answer to everything.)

When she’s face to face with Momo, in their tiny apartment bathroom, her best friend’s name burned into her wrist, she feels her soul leave her body. Momo looks equally concerned. She moves around wildly, turning her back to Sana, and Sana feels ready to cry or throw up, but Momo is shoving up her pant leg, pointing at something sharp and black on the back of her leg.

Sana Minatozaki.

“So… so we’re soulmates.”

Sana feels on the brink of possibility. She looks up at Momo. Momo is still scared, unsure. Sana knows the ball’s in her court, and she’s never been one to shoot without thinking. Not about the important stuff.

Sana assures Momo then, that this means they were destined to be the best of friends. The happy smile that breaks across Momo’s face all but shatters Sana’s heart.

So imagine her reaction to seeing Nayeon yank Momo in behind the cameras, while everyone was tending to something else. Sana had been wandering around, walking to clear her head, and suddenly went blank, seeing two pairs of lips connect.

“I think she’s so pretty.” Momo used to say. Every time they walked out of a joint training session she would say it, repeating Nayeon’s name to herself like it was a lyric she was trying to memorize. “She’s the prettiest of everyone here.”

Sana didn’t disagree that she was pretty. But Momo’s compliment to Nayeon didn’t make her feel good.

Seeing Momo’s hands eagerly grab at Nayeon’s waist, her lips curving into a smile at their second, then third kiss, Sana didn’t feel very good at all.

Sana always forgets his name. Taehyun or Taeyong or Taeguk. It’s rude of her to act like she can’t pronounce it, but his name always felt funny in when it was followed by “…and I are dating”.

Her first kiss –after all- wasn’t with any of the guys that came into her life. Her first was with Momo, a few months after her 21st birthday, while they were drunk in the dorm rooms.

“Kiss your best friend,” Nayeon dared everyone, already through her fourth shot.

She obviously instigated this simply to get everyone to kiss her. (Even if some relationships were stronger than others, everyone agreed that everyone was everyone’s best friend).

Still, Sana was sloppy, and emotional, and she was already leaning in, only half joking, not expecting Momo to meet her halfway.

“Not on the lips!” Jeongyeon’s scandalized tone broke in above them, but Momo wasn’t listening. Sana opened her eyes halfway, feeling like even one second was long enough, but Momo held onto her by her neck, pressing harder until Sana was pushed back against the couch. Momo couldn’t keep her balance after that, lips sliding down her cheek to her shoulder where Momo bumped her head, and then crying and laughing sat back up again.

“I win,” she slurred.

Jeongyeon smacked her upside the head. “This isn’t game you can win you dummy.”

Sana didn’t remember what was said after that.

Since then, she didn’t remember what anything felt like at all. Suddenly, everything she’d ever thought about, or worried about, (or hoped for), was thrown in her face. She kissed the girl she loved. Then what?

(A series of bathroom trysts, behind curtains, in abandoned hallways – kisses stolen from other curious girls until some janitor caught her out. A manager who was close by saved the situation. He swore the janitor to secrecy, got JYP involved; they managed to get a hold of CCTV cameras and have the footage for the hour deleted.)

It wasn’t enough apparently.

A few weeks later she was presented with the task of having a public relationship. With a boy. She clenched her hands into fists.

Nothing really mattered after that.

Sana tried so hard to be someone she wasn’t, for so long, she forgot who she actually was.

Scanning the comments of their latest appearance, cringing through the inevitable hate comments, the occasional few left in support, the speculation on other TWICE relationships… she sighed.

She closed her laptop and laid back in bed.

Next to her Momo shifted, turning away from her phone and clinging onto Sana’s arm.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

Sana looked up at the ceiling. It was dark, she couldn’t really gauge the distance, but it felt like it was too close. Everything –the walls, the windows, Momo’s face, nose grazing her cheek- it was all too close.

She pulled away, rolling over on her side and said she was going to sleep.

Momo didn’t move for a while. Sana tried really hard to relax her body, let out a soft snore in hopes of convincing her.

“I just want you to be okay,” Momo said. She poked at Sana’s back.

Sana continued to fake snore.

She heard Momo sigh, and then finally, she turned around, and left Sana alone with her thoughts.

(After all this time, she was still in love with her. When she loved something, she loved with everything she had.)

She considered it, tears rolling down her face- so what if Momo had a girlfriend. If she had a fake boyfriend? They were soulmates. She could roll over right now, and tell her, and kiss her.

She folds her fingers up, nails biting into the skin of her palm.

It didn’t matter. Nothing really mattered anymore.

No matter how much Sana tried to push her away, Momo insisted. She would whine cutely, forgoing her typically feigned annoyance at Sana in an effort to get her to come out.

“Lets get rice cakes, you love rice cakes!”

“You’re my best bowling partner! You always hit the spares!”

“The cherry blossoms are so pretty this year. When will we get to see them again with our schedule?”

“Momoring, lets go.”

“In a minute,” Momo shouted back.

Sana heard Nayeon sigh from behind the door. She’d locked it –uncommon behavior with the girls, which is probably why Momo was trying so hard.

“Just go with out me,” she finally called back.

“Just come on! We only have one day left of our break lets do something fun!”

“I’m tired Momo.” Sana knew she could get angry if she wanted. But every time she yelled at Momo she felt a thousand times more afterwards. She took a deep breath, tried to keep her voice level.

“Just come with us, it’ll be-“

“-I’m sorry. I can’t.”

Momo didn’t reply. Sana was still practicing her breathing, trying to think of her next reply, but she didn’t need it. The bustling outside quieted down to nothing. She wasn’t really sleepy, but she did feel tired, so she stayed in bed, blinking slowly until she finally passed out.

When she woke up Momo was sitting down on the bed next to her.

“How did you get in here?”

“I did the bobby pin thing.”

Sana frowned, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

“How did you learn that?”

“I watched a couple videos on it.”

Sana chuckled softly, burying her face back into her pillow. “You should stop watching videos,” she replied automatically, “spend more time with me.”

Momo sighed, pinching Sana’s arm.

“Isn’t that what I’m doing right now?”

Sana sat up quickly, realizing. Judging by the sunlight coming through the window it was still early in the afternoon.

“Everyone else-“

“-I didn’t have a partner so it wasn’t going to be any fun.”

Sana frowned.

“I-“

“-just shut up okay? And help me figure out this row if I have to repeat this level one more time I’m gonna light my phone on fire.”

Moving into an apartment with Jihyo was a no-brainer. Jihyo was responsible, but easy going. Smart, but fun-loving. And she didn’t collect a lot of junk, so even if the combination of her and Chaeyoung were messy, ultimately there wouldn’t be that much stuff to make a mess of.

Momo was a last second thing.

Not that Sana hadn’t been strongly considering the two of them living together –its just that she’d been in limbo with her most recent relationship and it was a –will they move in together or not?- kind of thing.

Then the day before UPS came to their old dorm, Momo appeared at Sana’s bedroom, three big pink suitcases packed full and Sana laughed, pulling Momo into an embrace.

And living together was unbelievably fun. They were in a bit of a slow period. Group promotions were halted in favor of pursuing individual projects. Jihyo was going to school full time, Jeongyeon was working on a solo album, and Dahyun was seriously taking piano lessons again for an acoustic concert project JYP had pitched for her.

In the meantime she was writing. Sana had notebooks filled with random thoughts she had in Korean (they came to hear easier now than they did in Japanese) and she realized, she might actually be capable of writing a song now. A proper –full Korean- song.

(Most of her lyrics were basic anyway. “oh my love, when will you return to me? Or did you never even belong to me in the first place?”)

“Look,” she passed her notes to Jihyo snickering, “I’m the next K.Will.”

Jihyo praised her efforts. “This is really good, Unnie! You should try and run it by a producer!”

Not expecting the compliment Sana flushed, taking her notebook back, and muttering something before returning to her room.

She tried to continue to the next line but it wasn’t coming to her. She scratched her head, pulled her hair, sighed.

A couple pages over she had a few stick figure drawings. Chibi-Chaeyoung scribbling on a disproportionately small easel. Jihyo with her big mouth and confident expression giving a lecture.

Momo, with her new bob cut, grinning. Momo with glasses laying askew on the bridge of her nose. Momo poking a worm that crawls by her on the sidewalk.

Momo holding Sana’s hand and grinning. (In the picture Sana was also grinning. In real life, Sana cracked a tiny smile.)

She flipped to the next page, thinking of Momo and starts drawing hearts, filling them with their initials. It always cleared her head to doodle hearts. Or paint her nails. Or watch an old movie. She got up, remembering she had a DVD of her favorite childhood film somewhere, and left her notebook on her desk to go find it.

When she came back, her notebook was flipped open. (had she left it like that?) All her hearts with Momo’s name in plain view. Her pulse spiked. She whipped out into the hallway; Jihyo’s room was empty. Chaeyoung was on a trip to her parents house. She ran into Momo’s room, and Momo sat up instantly, eyes going wide, and she knew.

She never hated that she was an easy crier, but right now all the passerbys trying to assess if she’s okay, (and also if she’s someone worth posting to SNS), was making her more upset. She pulled her jacket tighter around her self, collar pushed up to conceal her face.

Momo saw it. She had to. She saw it.

Sana didn’t know how long she was sitting on that bench –crying- but she suddenly heard her name, and her body reacted on instinct. She stood up.

The person calling to her started speaking in Japanese then.

I’m sorry.

Lets talk!

Tell me where you are!

Its okay!

The people around her started to look for the voice, so Sana darted away undercover. She didn’t know where she was going, but it wasn’t back.

“I’m gay.”

“Are you sure?”

Sana wore a pained expression, unable to explain. She didn’t know what to expect out of this conversation, but she was already exhausted from it.

At the lack of explanation, her mother got up, and Sana thought she might get slapped, or kicked out, but instead she felt her mother’s hands slide up around her cheeks, pull her in.

“My baby.”

She started to cry.

“It’s her.”

Her mother knew about her mark. They both left it, unanswered, awkward, when her mother asked what it meant. They silently agreed not to talk about it. “Just friends” was what it could mean, but it wasn’t what Sana wanted. She just couldn’t admit it until now.

“Even if it wasn’t,” her mother said, “I’d love you no matter what.”

Sana cried harder. She turned into her mother’s embrace, wrapping her arms around her back.

It was unsafe, and unpopular to be gay. And Momo had a girl she already liked. And Sana had absolutely nothing she could do, nothing whatsoever, but she loved her anyway. Thinking about Momo and all the problems she caused, she loved her anyway.

It’s how she was raised.

When Sana finally returned to the apartment it was 1am, a week later.

In that time she had replied to Momo’s texts. “I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. My mom wanted to see me so I’m going to go see her now.”

Momo had sent a million replies but Sana didn’t read those. At least she let her know she was safe. That’s the least she could do.

She didn’t actually got to see her mother though. She spent time visiting her friends. Crashed a couple times at other people’s places.

“I can’t believe this is a dorm.”

Eunha laughed.

“Since we’re all still living here –plus our managers- it should be nice, right?”

Sana ran her hand along the fur carpet.

“Remind me to buy one of these for my own place.”

Eunha nodded.

After a moment’s silence she took Sana’s hand. Sana instinctively folded up her fingers, but Eunha fought them, uncurled them until her fingers were all spread open.

“Something happened because of her right?”

Sana sighed.

“It’ll be okay I bet.” Eunha laced their fingers together.

“I don’t believe that.”

Eunha nodded, running her thumb along the bones in Sana’s fingers.

“That’s okay. You don’t need to believe it just now, but you’ll see.” She presses a kiss to one of them, and Sana giggles slightly.

“Try that one more time and your girlfriend will get jealous.”

Eunha rolls her eyes. “Speaking of, did I tell you what she did last week? I swear like I know nobody knows about us but it’s not necessary for her to wink at like every person we pass by backstage I mean, that’s not even her THING, it’s my thing-“

Sana let Eunha drag out the whole story, smiling and laughing at the right parts, trying to ignore the sting all over her skin.

It had been a whole seven days of avoiding her. She tried to sneak in quietly, no matter what, Momo was usually asleep at this time. She made it all the way to her room and just when she thought she was in the clear, she heard it.

Tip-toed over to Momo’s room, and through the cracked door, she heard her crying. Her instinct was to rush in, hug her, find out what’s wrong. Instead she put her hand over , trying to cover the sound of her breathing, and crept back into her own room.

She’d only been gone a week. Surely Momo wasn’t crying about this.

(She wasn’t sure.)

Despite the drama of sneaking in late at night, Sana still managed to wake up to her alarm. At 7:30am she was trying to find the Snooze button. At 7:38, she groaning, trying to Snooze again, but then something bumped around in the apartment. As she forced an eye open to get a better look at her phone, she saw her door creak open.

Momo waited in the doorframe, equally groggy but also alert; she was like a vampire waiting to be invited in.

Sana sighed. She turned off her alarm completely, and ushered Momo in.

Momo sat down next to her, and with another nod from Sana, pulled back the covers to lay down in bed.

Sana was on her stomach. She hugged her pillow tight hoping it muffle the sound of her heartbeat. It couldn’t be that loud that you could hear it from a few inches away, but in Sana’s own head it was deafening.

“How was your trip?”

Sana snorts. Yawns. “Uneventful.”

Momo is more awake now, blinking, picking at the bedsheets with her fingernail.

Sana wants to pretend like she’s confident. Like anything Momo could say right now wouldn’t phase her. The truth was she was as stiff as a board, hands crushing her pillow, hoping Momo would just get it all over with.

“I’m sorry. I looked at your notebook. I’m sorry for looking and I’m sorry for not admitting it sooner.”

It’s okay. Sana had the words on her tongue, but they wouldn’t come out. She felt herself getting hot. The blankets on her felt too heavy, but without them she’d feel exposed. She breathed in deeply, and avoided looking at Momo’s eyes while she continued speaking.

“I… I want to confess something, but um, uh… if it bothers you just tell me and… I could… we never have to talk about it again.”

Sana struggled to understand Momo as much as Momo struggled to explain. She gritted her teeth. She expected the worst. “I’ve always cared about my soulmate mark, you know?”

Sana hummed in response.

Momo’s legs shifted under the covers.

“I thought when I got mine, I was just like my sister. She got her best friend –you know- and I thought I was gonna be like her. My soulmate would be my best friend- my future partner or lover or whatever would be someone else.”

Her voice got thick on the word “friend”. Sana too felt herself tear up.

“I wanted my soulmate to be the person I fall in love with. A-and I’m sorry… I never thought that was you.”

Sana felt a film of tears develop over her eyes. Excuses formed quickly at the back of . It’s okay, it was an old crush. I’m just relieved. Thank you for sharing how you feel, it makes me feel closer to you now.

The platitudes were as practiced as he expressions, every time she had to pretend like she didn’t care, like she wasn’t in love with Momo since they first became friends.

“I’m sorry,” Momo continued, openly crying now. “I hope I didn’t… I didn’t mean to hurt you. If I did… I couldn’t, I don’t know how. I just want you to be happy.”

Sana always believed that to be true. She just felt it unfortunate that Momo could never make her happy the way she wanted. She stretched, began to sit up, prepared to diffuse the whole situation, and finally shove her feelings into a box to be triple locked and buried in the ocean forever.

Momo sat up too, her hands twitching in her lap.

“I feel… really stupid asking you this but… would you go out with me?”

“Huh?”

“I-“ Momo sniffled, wiped away some tears, “I feel stupid asking this late. You might not even like me anymore. Or you might be mad at me.”

“I could never be mad at you.”

Momo’s eyes widen hopefully, and Sana feels it too. She releases a breath she didn’t know she was holding.

“Can we try –I mean- I.” Momo looks down at her hands, and then steadies herself; with confidence she reaches for Sana’s hands. “I love you. I always have I just… I never thought of it this way. But I realize now,” she brings one of their intertwined hands up to her face, tries to wipe her tears away with her own knuckle but Sana quickly frees her hand and does it for her. Momo’s face instantly leans into her touch.

“I was worried… I thought… I thought I really ed this up.”

Sana laughed, a little strained, and leaned in. Her heart leapt when she saw Momo lean in to.

“You’re still in trouble for reading my notebook without permission.”

“Would I be in trouble if I tried to kiss you?”

Sana’s heart jumped again.

“Try and see what happens.”

At this point Momo is smiling –they’re both smiling- and despite everything. All the trouble Momo brought… Sana couldn’t help but love her still. (She never stopped. Never really.) Momo’s hands moved down to her waist, then up to her ribs. She held her gently, applying just enough pressure to pull her closer. Their foreheads leaned together, and Sana peered up to see Momo crying again.

“What’s wrong?”

Momo shook her head. She reached down to grab Sana’s hands, and found her name in her palm. She laughed through her tears.

“It was right in front of me the whole time.” She looked up at Sana. “I just can’t believe I’m so lucky. You are everything I ever wanted.”

“You’re so full of .”

Momo couldn’t stop smiling.

“Nothing I say right now won’t sound cheesy to you.”

“That’s true.”

“I should just kiss you again.” Sana felt her heart hammering in her chest. Her whole body was alive with the feeling of it. That love that came so easy, finally had a chance to spread itself out, to take up all the room it wanted. Filled her up to the crown of her head. When Momo’s lips touched hers, everything felt right again.