AN: let me just add this disclaimer - not that this has happened to me yet, but anything I post on here I want to be strictly kept on this website.  I'm sure we all know the moral issues surrounding RPF as it has to do with real people's lives and emotions, and I don't want this spreading to the actual celebrities we like because this is otherwise a huge invasion of privacy and kind of ugly and gross.  so to be clear - this is all for s and giggles like it's not that serious, I just like using existing people as vehicles for romance plot ideas I have that I'm too lazy to come up with OC's for

now the story

---

 

The way the world had it, your soulmate mark appeared somewhere on your body at 21.  Though there were a few odd cases of it coming late or early, it was otherwise pretty simple.  One day it would just show up, and that was that; that was your soulmate.

But if there's one thing most people (ahem -hollywood-) get wrong, it's that soulmates have to be romantic.  They don't.  In fact, a lot of people are soulmates with their best friends, sometimes a family member.  Rumor has it a famous zoologist was soulmates with an elephant they rescued but Momo still isn't sure she believes that story.  (She still checks for updates though, when she's randomly on the internet).

Still, Momo Hirai was a romantic at heart, and so she hoped and prayed above everything that her soulmate was going to be her one true love.

"That's disgusting Momo."  Momo ignored her sister rolling her eyes and continued to doodle hearts in her notebook.  Hana finished editing Momo's paper for her and then ruffled her bangs on her way out of Momo's room.

"Why'd you mess up my hair?" Momo cried.

Hana peeked back in, expression mischeivious.  "Because you're cute, that's why."

Gross.  Momo says save the cheesiness for your soulmate.  She sometimes she worried about Hana.  Her soulmate turned out to be her best friend from middle school, and it made Momo a little sad, because it's not like they were ever going to fall in love and get married or anything.

Despite the odds against her, Momo kept the faith that she was going to find love that way.  Spontaneous and romantic, her love's name would appear on her body and it was going to be rainbows and flowers from then on.

At least until then, she tried to keep her mind off the heart pounding, stomach churning anxiety of discovering your soulmate, and focus on the heart pounding, stomach churning anxiety of becoming a pop star.  Dance practice was a real thorn in her side.  An exhilerating experience; a place she could feel herself growing and maturing and excelling in ways she never felt in other areas of her life.  But it was also gruelling, especially if she really wanted to go pro.  Even Hana quit dance, and Hana never quit anything.

While she was sad to see her sister go, she made new friends along the way who convinced her to stay.  They even convinced her to try out for JYP, a korean entertainment company looking for foreign talent to audition.  She never expected to actually make it.

And so when she was on a plane to a foreign country to actually truly become a pop star, she wasn't excited, she was afraid.  And in that moment on the plane when she realized that being this high up in the air wasn't as fun and cool as it seemed in the movies, that's when she made her first best friend.

Momo never really had a best friend before.  She had a lot of acquaintances.  She was decently popular, excluding several elementary school bullies, Momo was pretty well-liked by everyone.  She just never really had what Hana had; late night conversations whispered over through the house phone.  Inside jokes.  Secret handshakes.  Cheesy matching friendship bracelets.

All of that she figured she'd save for her soulmate anyways; if anyone should be worth investing so much time, so it was in fact, convenient for her that she never had a best friend.

Sana Minatozaki was the exception.

She was everyone's exception.

"Hi!  Okay, I'm really freaked out right now, so I'm going to probably squeeze your hand a lot by accident on purpose... i-is that okay?"

That was her way of saying, you're going to be my best friend now, and she was.  As soon as they were placed in their apartment in Seoul, Sana and Momo became inseperable.  It's so strange, Momo thought, that she had never met someone so much like her before, and when she finally did, it was in a whole other country.

They practiced together, ate together, slept together.  Everything was scary and new, and despite having just met Sana, Momo felt like she was the only safe and familiar thing in her life.

Hana would visit occasionally; flights are not cheap, but she tried.  And so that's how things were then.  Non-stop dance practice turned into vocal training, korean lessons, even english lessons, peformance-style dance training, which had Momo going over basic steps that had her feeling bored and a little out of place, if not for Sana cracking jokes every five seconds and turning water breaks into ten minute selfie photoshoots.  

Even though Sana became her number one person at the time, Momo hadn't realized how important she really was.

Not until three years later, on her 21st birthday, she was sitting up in bed by herself, itching to know what would happen.  And just as the clock struck twelve, the low rhythm of her heart increased in volume, she felt her whole body being consumed by it, and a particular inch of skin, on her right calf, a sharp sting... it passed just as quick as it came, and she stumbled over to the bathroom, limping slightly, shut the door and the lights.

It was hard to see -who gets their mark on their leg?- but Momo found a way to twist herself around, and catch the symbol etched out onto her skin.

Her heart sank.

 

//

 

Not that Sana isn't the best most perfect person in the world, but...

 

//

 

Momo frowned over the table, fist pressed into her face while Nayeon made her an omelet.  "You should be on your knees thanking me, Momoring, especially considering I'm doing this even though you won't show me your mark."

"How do you even know I have one?"

Nayeon scoffed.  "A romantic like you?  I'm surprised you don't have ten."

Momo's frown deepened.

She probably built it up too much, the soulmate thing, because she was so sure her soulmate was going to be the person she fell in love with, she never even considered it would be her best friend.  She never even had a best friend for the larger part of her life, it was so unexpected it threw Momo off-center.

Nayeon seemed to notice, which is why she was joking a lot and being extra nice.  Besides the fact it was Momo's birthday, of course... She groaned.  All day people were going to be interrogating her about her mark.  She just... she didn't know how to feel about it.

"Hey," Nayeon's voice settled on her ear, soft, and understanding.  

Momo leaned into her side, poking at the egg.

"You don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to."

Momo sighed.  "Are you sure?"

She kissed the top of Momo's head.  "I'm sure."

 

//

 

Once Momo got passed her initial disappointment, she was embarrassed.  What if Sana didn't feel the same way?  Momo couldn't be 100% sure they were soulmates until Sana turned 21 as well.  And what if it was a different Sana altogether?  There was no last name.  That could still be romantic -and no, Momo was not shook because it was a girl- but because she did expect her soulmate to at least be involved in her life currently

So it most likely is her Sana, but that just meant Momo didn't have a one true love.  Just a soulmate.  A regular old best friend soulmate like everyone else (like the lady zoologist and her pet elephant).

All day she avoided the question, and Nayeon was remarkably good at helping her deflect.

"Thank you," she whispered, on the bus ride back from Music Bank.  

"No problem," Nayeon kissed her head again, and Momo felt a pleasant warmth settle down in her stomach.

For dinner the members took her out somewhere nice, and she ate a lot, and then ate some more at home, where they presented her a cake and an array of other desserts.

After getting her birthday kisses the members finally went to their rooms to sleep.  Life of an idol never stops.  They all needed the sleep -Momo most of all, probably- because she had anxiety to hell over what happened.

Still one person wouldn't let her go just yet.

"Please please please tell me?"

"It's a secret," Momo tried.  Sana didn't find it cute, not even with the flirty wink thrown in.

"Come on Momo I'm your best friend, at least tell me.  You told Nayeon!"

"How would you know?"

"So you did tell her!"

"No I didn't!" Momo crossed her arms angrily.  "She's just been helping me avoid you guys snooping when it's none of your business."

At that Sana stepped back a little.  She didn't let her frustration down just yet, but it was clear she was hurt.

Momo softened a bit.

"I'm sorry, I... I shouldn't have yelled, I'm sorry."

"It's okay..."

Now Momo felt awkward.  She just got in a fight with her best friend, her soulmate.  "Listen," she sighed, "I want to tell you just... lets wait.  I'll tell everyone, we can tell everyone together, on your birthday!"

"Why do we have to wait?"

Momo shrugged.  "Because we're best friends.  We do everything together."

Sana finally cracked a smile.  "I still think this is extra of you, but I'm agreeing because you're just too cute."  To prove her point, she leaned forward and pinched one of Momo's cheeks, blowing a kiss at her before she finally left to sleep.

 

//

 

A few weeks later, and Momo's anxiety was through the roof again.  She wasn't sure if Sana remembered their promise, but then at 11:45, Sana trodded into her room, and Momo rushed them out before Jeongyeon could ask about it.  They locked themselves up in the bathroom and waited.

Momo sat on the edge of the tub while Sana sat on the toilet.  Both were holding their wrists, looking away at something else, unsure of what to do.

Sana looked back over at Momo, and Momo met her nervous eyes with a nervous look of her own.

"So... does it hurt?"

Momo squeezed Sana's knee.  "A little, but it barely lasts a second."

Sana took a deep breath and placed her hand over Momo's.

She checked her phone again and it said 11:57pm.  "I'm scared."

"Don't be."

"What if it hurts worse for me, what if I get it on my tongue or something-"

Momo laughed.  "-you're not gonna get it on your tongue!  And I'm gonna be right here.  You can squeeze my hand as hard as you want."

Sana was already doing that, but Momo didn't say anything about it.

They talked a little more, trying to pretend like they weren't hyper aware of the time, and she stuttered on her words at 12:00, eyes going wide, staring down at Momo like she was about to be abducted or something.  Momo stood up, putting her hands on Sana's shoulders and in an instant, Sana crumpled up in her arms.  She leaned forward, groaning, clutching her right hand with her left.

When it was over, she -trembling- brought her hand up to her face, and saw something written on the curve of her palm.

Momo.

 

//

 

Momo didn't want to peek, she knew how mortified she would have been if anyone saw her mark without her permission, but it just sort of happened; her hand was in clear view for both of them.  Before she could retreat in panic and embarrassment Momo quickly lifted up her pant leg.

She turned around slightly.  "Look."

When she turned back she felt a little hot, a little prickly behind her ears, but Sana seemed to have seen it, and she seemed to understand.

"So... so we're soulmates?"

Momo nodded her head.

Sana looked down at her hand and back up at Momo.  "Is this why you kept it a secret?"

They were whispering now.

Momo nodded again.

"If this is true..." Sana looked like she didn't want to finish her own sentence.  She seemed to be confused, like Momo was, and Momo felt more nervous than she ever had before.  She never even considered -just because you have a name written down on your skin, doesn't mean its the right one.  Lots of soulmates never meet, or barely speak even if they do know each other.  She never even considered... since Sana was already her friend... she never thought that Sana might not agree with her mark.  That even as strictly friends, she didn't consider Momo the matching piece to her puzzle.

Momo blanked out a bit, paralyzed by fear, and Sana reached out, grabbing Momo's wrist with her hand.

"I guess I picked the right best friend huh?"

Sana was grinning.

Momo felt all the anxiety vanish in a puff of smoke.  She grinned back.

"It was meant to be."

 

//

 

From then on they proudly displayed their mark.  In fact they got a little obnoxious about it.  Sana would brag, even to fans, that she and Momo were clearly a superior class of best friends.

"In five years we've never even argued!"

Momo nodded at her when Sana glanced back, seeking validation, and it only added fueled to Sana's fire.  She chuckled to herself, still feeling her heartbeat hike up a little at the sound of the word soulmate.

Some people didn't even have soulmates... as far as they could have gone, Momo figures she got a pretty great one.  

Still... she stares longlingly at the couples in movies... she wishes she could be like them.

Finding love was that much harder now.  Maybe she was just lazy -she scolded herself- true love still exists, she just has to earn it.  That's how fairytales work anyway.  There's always an obstacle you have to overcome, and at the end of the road, no matter what, lies your one true love.

 

//

 

So Momo may be taking too long glances at Nayeon's stomach, or her legs.  She's just a little curious.  She and Sana are not the first girls in the group to turn 21, but until her own birthday, she never really was curious about the other girl's marks.  They reacted just fine when Sana and Momo told them about their own, but no other marks were revealed.  Next to come up anyways were Mina and Jihyo and though Momo was infinitely curious about those two, she was more curious about Nayeon.

It wasn't true love per say, but Momo knew she harbored some kind of feeling for the older girl.  Once she spoke a bit more korean, and their practices became intermingled, Nayeon really started taking care of the foreign trainees, specifically Momo.  They had a similar sense of humor.  She was like Sana in some ways, flirty, carefree, but with a bit of an edge to her.  Not that Momo believed being older meant anything; she has an older sister, and in fact, that doesn't make her smarter or better one bit.  (This opinion specifically derived from last month's argument about the Netflix queue.)

No, what Momo liked about Nayeon was that she was sharp.  When you least expected it, Nayeon would pull through.  She was more caring than she let on; ran deeper than she let people believe.  She was mysterious, and y like... Momo loved a challenge.  She loved dancing because she could feel every bit of growth from the strain in her muscle to the blood pounding in her ear.  Nayeon felt like that.  Like a challenge she had to defeat.  So far every challenge Momo faced had lead to something great.  And something about that, something about Nayeon felt so promising.

But first she had to know who Nayeon's soulmate was.

 

//

 

"My childhood friend."

Momo was confused about the korean name on Nayeon's forearm.  No one she'd heard of before.

"We stopped talking after high school."  Nayeon hugged her knees to chest and looked out at the sunset.  They were sitting on the roof of the buildilng.  It was private there, and the way Nayeon spoke, wistfully, like she'd already lived a thousand lives, made Momo ache with want.  To understand her. To be with her.  To make all the loneliness in her voice go away.

"Do you want to like... reconnect with him?"

Nayeon shook her head.  "It's not like that.  He went to university in the UK.  He knew I was staying to pursue being an idol, but even if I had gone to university, I don't think I would have ever left Korea.  It was too scary to think about at the time."

"And now you've probably been to more countries than you can count on two hands!"

Nayeon laughed with Momo.  

"I haven't thought about him in a while."  Her wistful tone came back again.  "When the mark appeared I was so surprised.  I wondered if... if maybe I should reconnect with him.  You know?"  She looked over at Momo.  "I thought I had missed an opportunity or something."

Momo swallowed thickly.

"I mean... I guess I still can't be sure I didn't... but I know that not everyone's soulmate is the person they're supposed to end up with.  Still though-" she looked back out at the sky, "I wonder if my life would be better with him still in it.  You know how it is, how we can get tired and lonely sometimes, even when there's a bunch of people around.  I never thought about it this way before, but then it had me thinking, maybe there are some friendships we let go of prematurely.  If your soulmate is really your soulmate... then why don't they stay in your life forever?"

Momo felt an itch behind her leg.

"It's not planned out very well, I suppose."

Nayeon threw her head back in laughter.  When she finally stopped laughing, tears in her eyes, she leaned over and rested her head on Momo's shoulder.  "It's really not."

 

//

 

Momo had her first kiss when she was 12.  It was kind of an accident -none of the boys in her school would ever be so bold- but it happened, and soon after the boy in question apologized profusely and ran off to wash his mouth in the water fountain.  Momo was only slightly offended, as she too wasn't ecstatic about the kiss.  He just happened to be running too fast in the hallway and tripped right onto Momo's lips.  It's not really a kiss since it was half a second, and uninentional, but the little swoop she felt in her stomach when it happened, it was kind of like this, her second kiss, behind the stage curtain with Nayeon's fingers curled up in Momo's sweater, her lips firm against Momo's lips.

 

//

 

"I did think about it," Momo admitted, as she and Nayeon lay cuddled up in their hotel bed.  Or rather, Momo and Sana's double beds pushed together, while they were staying in another country.  Nayeon was paired with Jeongyeon this time, but when they weren't actually sleeping it was an unspoken rule that Momo and Nayeon got the room to themselves.

Nayeon had just asked, after noticing Sana's clothes strewn out over Momo's side of the bed, if she ever considered dating Sana.

And Momo just confessed that she had.

Nayeon's fingers tightened their grip on Momo's hand.

"I mean..." Momo stared up at the ceiling.  "I thought I had to for a little bit.  I know not all soulmates are romantic, but I mean... I like you..." she started stuttering a little, "I like... girls I guess I... I just thought I should consider it because it's not totally unrealistic that we could..."

"So why didn't you?"  Nayeon was looking at her, Momo could tell, but she couldn't keep her eyes off the ceiling.  It was dark red, like the walls, and some of the ts on the furniture.  At night it made the room look darker than normal, and it was putting her on edge.

"You guys just fit.  You get along so well, for as long as I've known you two."

Momo laughed a little.  "That's only slightly longer than we've known each other."  She forced herself to look down into Nayeon's eyes.  "Maybe in another universe..." she murmured.  "...it just doesn't seem likely in this one."

Nayeon kissed her, and the electricity ran from Momo's lips down to her toes.

 

//

 

Sana kept pressing Momo for opinions on which filter to use and Momo was getting a little annoyed.  Never mad, never irritated, because it's Sana, but she did grumble a little while shifting onto a new position on the couch.

"Stop being a sourpuss, just pick one!"

"Fine!"  Momo pointed at something randomly.

Sana seemed a little affronted by her choice but she went with it, and started working on the caption.

Momo tried to read while hanging her head upside down off the sofa.  

"friends... years... uh..."

"Best Friends for Seven Years dummy."

Momo blinked.  "Has it really been that long?"

Sana nodded proudly.  She still hadn't looked away from her phone but now Momo was looking at her.

"Did you always believe it'd last this long?"  She slumped down to the floor, and sat, right-side-up, perpendicular to Sana.  "Even before we got our marks, did you think..."

"Kinda...?"  Sana temporarily shut her phone and put it on the floor.  "I mean, I don't make friends with the intent to drop them a few years later."

Momo snorted.

"That's not what I meant."

Sana smiled back, "well what did you mean then weirdo?  Were you expecting me to say that I'm surprised I'm still friends with my self-proclaimed best friends after all this time?"

Momo ducked her head shyly.  "Okay yeah, I get that it sounds stupid now."  She in a breath.  "But I mean... I was just thinking how Nayeon's soulmate she hasn't seen in years.  And some people never meet theirs at all.  Some people don't even want to."

"Maybe it's different because we were best friends first."

"So were they."

Sana shrugged.

"It's not easy to stay friends I guess.  But- see I don't know," Sana shrugged, looking up at the ceiling, "it never felt that hard for me.  At least not with you.  With other people -I guess- but you know we just got along so quickly I can't even actually remember when we became friends."

"You can't remember?!"

"Can you?!"

They both dropped their faux-offended expressions and dissolved into laughter.

"Okay yeah," Momo repeated.  "Can I just say I'm glad then?"

Sana's smile encouraged her to go on.

"I guess you're right, it's not like you can plan these things, but from now on, I mean, I don't want to stop being your friend. I don't even imagine it happening by circumstance like, even if we have to live far away from each other we'll always text, and I'll visit all the time-"

"-I already have a guest bedroom reserved for you exclusively."

Momo grinned.

"Promise you'll never give that room to anyone but me?"

"Promise."

 

//

 

Momo's a little ashamed to admit it -self proclaimed romantic and- she's kissed almost every girl in their group, and a lot of girls in other groups.  In her imagination her dream partner was always a tall guy (shadowy face because she never liked anyone enough to have them fill the picture) manly, professional, someone who could literally sweep her off her feet and carry her across the alter.  He was every movie trope come alive.

But after almost a decade of having flings exclusively with women, her picture started to change.  Now the person laying next to her at 50 was slightly smaller, softer... women come in all shapes and sizes, but Momo kind of had a type.  She realized she kind of liked to do the sweeping.  And sometimes the picture was filled, this time with the shifting faces of her members, as she cycled through the inevitable crushes she developed while living in close quarters with beautiful girls 24/7.

It was confusing.  And she still believed in true love, or she wanted to, but the glitching film projector of her imagination wouldn't let her settle on just one person, one face.

As she rolled out of bed and climbed into her friend's ride at 2am, she felt something squirm around uncomfortably in her stomach.  Soulmates aside... her fear now was that she might not have one true love at all.  A tear slipped down her cheek despite her resistance.

"Are you ok-"

"-I'm fine."  She inhaled deeply, willing the rest of her tears to stop.  "Just keep driving."

Jeongyeon was a good friend, and a surprisingly good kisser, but turns out she was always more into boys and it just took her some time to figure it out.  

"It's okay," Momo reassured, "I just want you to be happy."

That was true.  That was true for everyone she'd ever had a thing with; by the end, she just wanted them to be happy.  She believed in true love, not just for herself, but for everyone.  So she knew if she wasn't really feeling it, that there must be someone better for them as well.  And she was fine accepting that fate until they actually started to find their someones.  Chaeyoung and Mina became a thing surprisingly quick.  They were on the brink of it anyways, just before their mark's showed up.  Momo was impressed to hell by Mina's patience, but once Chaeyoung saw her mark, everything fell into place.

No other pairings existed within their group, but Nayeon found someone from her hometown she fell head over heels for (head over heels, despite her forgetten soul mate) and Jihyo was starting something promising with someone from her university.  Tzuyu hadn't even met her soulmate yet, so that was bound to be a fun surprise, but Momo was a little antsy that they seemed to be outrunning her.

While she was layed out under the stars one night, hand glued tightly to another girl she would likely forget about, she made a wish.

"What is it Momoring?"

She smiled peacefully at them, not giving away the anxiety behind her expression.

"I just made a wish, that's all."

She scratched the back of her right leg with her left foot, and sighed.

 

//

 

"I think Nayeon was really in love with you."

Momo raised an eyebrow, and Sana rolled her eyes in response.

"Don't give me that look," she paused, took a moment to examine her handiwork, then got to work painting the rest of Momo's toenails.  "I'm just saying," she said slowly, "you guys were together a long time.  Longer than you have been with anyone else, and when it ended I just... none of us really expected it."  She paused, blowing air on the toenail she just finished, then looked up at Momo.  

Momo coudn't erase her frown, even though she was trying.  "It's been over for a long time.  I can't even really remember why..." she felt heat crawling up her neck, "but I'm sure I told you anyway."  Her snappy retort didn't phase Sana, who only frowned again and got back to work.

Momo liked how the leather felt beneath her feet.  It provided a friction that allowed her to stay completely still while Sana finished her pedicure.  Her nails were already drying, she was just returning the favor.  Momo felt a little guilty though- Sana's motions were more delicate, more precise.  Momo's work on Sana's nails was a bit messier, but Sana claimed they would look perfect after she washed off the dried polish on her skin in the sink.

While Sana contineud to work Momo looked up around the room.  The apartment was big, bigger than their old dorm, even though only half the girls were living in it now.  TWICE hit so many strides their fame and success was almost indescribable.  When Momo wasn't being a big celebrity though, she liked living in moments like this.  At 19 an apartment of her own was a dream.  A dream most people shared, and a dream most people struggled to achieve by 25.  Well, 24 going on 25.  (Momo started to round down her age just this year when she realized she was halfway to 50 -shudder-).  She peered down at Sana, her comrade in arms, fourth quarter-lifer in their group, but more specifically, the one person Momo felt comfortable riding with through these overwhelming life events.

Even though she had promised her years earlier, she still kind of couldn't believe they were here.  They were happy, and successful, and still best friends despite it all.

A lot of her friendships with other idols had fizzled out once the gap in their success became insurmountable.  Whether it was jealousy, or some invisible secret caste system no one knew about, they drifted apart.  Now all Momo had left were her members, a few old friends from trainee days, and the only idols left in her social strata that she could still talk to from the early days.  It felt lonely.  Lonelier than the day she moved to korea, lonelier than the day she got her mark.

She must have sighed or something, because Sana looked back up at her.

"It's nothing," Momo reassured.

Sana took another ten minutes to finish applying the nail polish, then she took a seat next to Momo, instantly cuddling up to her side.  "I'm sorry I said anything about Nayeon."

Momo laughed softly.  "No that's not it," she put her hand on Sana's knee, squeezing, "I'm just being moody again."

Sana chuckled.  "How completely typical of you."

Momo didn't bother to argue when it was true.  

"Do you think I missed a chance with her?  I mean... I had always..." she froze a bit, realizing she was about to admit something she'd never said aloud before.

Sana figured it out anyways.  "You were disappointed that I was your soulmate."

"No!"  Momo turned to face her, trying to convey the sincerity in her words.  "I could never be disappointed by that; by you.  I just... I always thought my soulmate mark was going to be the person I end up with forever."

Sana shrugs like Momo just hit the nail on the head.

"That's not what I mean, I mean-"

"-yeah I know.  In a relationship with."  Sana looked down at her feet, and sighed.  "I didn't really know what to think when I saw your name either.  I was surprised, happy a bit, because it could've been just anyone.  I mean, I'm glad it was you."

"I'm glad it was you too."

Sana wrapped her hands around her ankles, and then looked up at Momo seriously.  "But it doesn't have to mean anything.  Soulmates aren't a binding contract you know... if we didn't want this to work, it wouldn't have.  So what I'm saying is like... falling in love, being with someone... it's all way more under your control than you think."

Momo looked down at her feet as well.  "Are you... mad at me?"

"No! What?  Ugh... Momoring..."

Momo blinked up at her, looking thoroughly chastised, and Sana couldn't help the resigned laughter that escaped her.  "I swear you're such an idiot sometimes but with a face like that-"

"-like what?"

Sana refused to respond to the smug expression on Momo's face, but she didn't need to.  After all these years, even without words, Momo already knew what she would say.

 

//

 

She dreamt of Sana that night.

She was in Nayeon's arms, but facing away from her, looking at Sana who was someplace far away, but the details on her face incredibly clear.  She was angry.  She had never been this angry before, and Momo was scared, burrowing tighter into Nayeon's embrace, who kept whispering I love you while Sana glared, until she got so far away that the next time Momo blinked, she was awake.

 

//

 

She's had plenty of dreams of Nayeon before.  Before and after they broke up, Nayeon smiling at her, kissing her, confessing to things Momo could only dream she would confess to in real life. And then... Nayeon yelling at her, abandoning her at night in the middle of a foreign street after telling Momo she was selfish, and couldn't get her feelings together.

She had dreamt about Sana too, but usually they were both escaping the same monster; a giant mutated polar chasing them down an icy road or something.  But never like this.  The dream felt so close to reality Momo had to check and re-check with herself that it hadn't actually happened.

And she was forced to think about her breakup again.  How she was so head over heels in love with Nayeon, so absorbed into her that disattaching from that felt like literally losing an arm and a leg.

It was messy.  No one did anything wrong but Nayeon started to act weird, and then Momo acted weird in return, not knowing what to do.  She threw herself at Nayeon every night.  She wasn't used to this, wasn't used to not being in control.  So far it had been obvious that Nayeon adored her, but in those few months, Momo was afraid it wasn't enough.  That adoration was just shallow, meaningless, and she wasn't as attached as Momo was to her.  But the more Momo tried to connect with her, the farther away Nayeon got.

They broke one morning, after breakfast Nayeon made for her, when without any explanation she said, "I just don't think this is going to work."

It was painful.  It to all hell.  But maybe it could've been just a little more okay if the next month she hadn't caught Nayeon and Jeongyeon making out.  She knew Jeongyeon was straight, which was kind of even worse?  She didn't get it.

Jihyo tried to explain -later, as she'd weasled out both sides of the story- that Nayeon had been friends with Jeongyeon for a long time, and she just wanted to try it.

"But how c-can you j-just... after-r-r we..." Momo went on babbling, sobbing, feeling embarrassed, humiliated, and cast aside.

They were both professional about it at work, but it took a long time to make up.  They never got back together.  Not even once, for a single kiss, though Momo had dreamt of it several times.  When they finally made peace again, Nayeon admitted, "I didn't just fall out of love with you, but I... I didn't have a good feeling.  I didn't think we were going anywhere."

"You should have said that to me."

"I know."

It was too late to go back however.  Momo just accepted it.  And the next time Nayeon was in a relationship, she was genuinely, truly happy for her.  (Or at least she chose to be).

"Do you really think Nayeon's still in love with me?"

"That's not what I said," Sana deadpans.

"I know but what you said, it sounded like... like there was more to that story."

Sana sighed, putting down the bottle of polish.  She finished removing the pink from last week, and was deciding between red and black.  She chose red.

"Sometimes she looks at you... and maybe I'm too close to both of you guys to be objective... but it's been a while I mean, I don't usually advise people to get back with exes who broke their heart it's just, it feels like there's something unresolved.  And I know you look at her too."

Momo wants to argue, but as always, Sana's right.

She doesn't say anything after that, lets Sana finish painting her nails, and ignore the sting in her chest.

 

//

 

"I was making room," Nayeon confessed.  "I might have jumped to conclusions, and I know I lost you because of it, but for a while it seemed like... like there was someone better for you than me.  And I was just making room."

Instead of crying or being thankful Momo got angry.  "Why does it always take you so long to tell me the truth?  Do you think I'm an actual child?  You think I can't handle it?"

Nayeon backed up defensively, but didn't argue.  

"You shouldn't have made decisions about our relationship, without me.  Nothing in this world is out of our control Nayeon.  I had a choice in this but you took it away from me."  Her voice cracked, "and I would have chosen you."

 

//

 

It was easier than back then to get away from Nayeon for a little bit.  Since the members were split up at different places, it was easy to get the space she needed.  Of course she spent most of that time crying, feeling mislead, and betrayed, and a little stupid.

At some point in her life she had honestly let other people just start deciding things for her.  Before, at dance practice, she was in control of every movement, every practice, every design.  Her dream she pursued on her own.  She auditioned, she wasn't scouted.  She practiced, she wasn't perfect.  

But then her soulmate wasn't who she expected it to be, and she started to let go of the reigns a little.  She decided that if fate wouldn't listen to her desires, then there was no point in trying to achieve them at all.  And when Nayeon decided to pull away, she let her.  And when they broke up, she didn't try to get her back.

And years later when Nayeon was in a serious relationship, she didn't admit that she was jealous.  That she felt like Nayeon's name was written somewhere on her body in invisible ink, and she was missing out on something big.  

Nayeon sends her a text that makes her both a little happy and incredibly sad.

In another universe, we could have been great.

 

//

 

With Sana's 25th birthday just a day away, the apartment was buzzing with energy.  It was going to be the last big birthday in her life for a while, and Momo was intent on making it perfect.

She gathered up every pumpkin scented everything and set them up around the apartment.  She was going for a psuedo-fall Halloween theme and she was sure Sana was going to love it.  She got Chaeyoung to help, her brilliant, artistic, lesbian mind was going to add finesse to Momo's fanatic.

"How exactly does a rainbow cake fit this theme?"

"Because she's gay," Momo answered, and that was answer enough.

The icing on the cake (besides a delicious orange creme) would have been getting Sana a date for her birthday, but lately she hadn't really been into anyone.

She had one long term relationship with a guy, but it was kind of a publicity thing. Even Momo wasn't really allowed to know the details.  It caused a bunch of drama, the once beloved Sana became the most hated member of their team.  Despite her contract forbidding her, Momo couldn't help but sneer at some of the fanboys who turned so quickly on her once she was supposedly dating.  Still... after that situation ended, Sana started to bring a lot more girls home, talk about a lot more girls, feel up other idols behind curtains like no one was watching, but somebody was.

"It's okay if you are," Momo told her.

Sana smiled, and wrapped her arms around Momo's back, pressing her nose into Momo's neck.  "Thank you.  I mean... I feel like we both knew probably the day we met but you know..."

"Yeah," Momo patted her back, "I know."

And so it was without much fanfare that Sana came out, but Momo still thought it was a tragedy that they weren't allowed to be explicitly gay as much as they wanted, so hidden beneath the Halloween decorations were a bunch of subtle gay-themed decorations.  The bowls were filled with rainbow colored candies.  The movies she queued up for their late night binge snacking were all cheesy gay movies from the mid 2000s.  One of her birthday presents was something a little too to mention but something Momo giggled about everytime she remembered, as she pictured Sana's face when opening it.

The party was a hit.

Of course, with Momo's impeccable planning.  Sana thanked her, three shots in already a little sloppy, with a big wet kiss to Momo's cheek.  Momo watched her party hat tilt adorably to the right of her head as she bobbed forward, ready to blow out her candles.

Jihyo held her steady and Momo and Mina helped her blow them out.  Nayeon exploded one of those indoor firecrackers which sent half the girls into panicked shrieks, and the other half into explosive laughter.  Chaeyoung picked up a chunk of cake and smeared it across Sana's chest, to which Momo responded for her, dunking Chaeyoung face first into the cake.  Sana screamed, claiming it was ruined, but Momo promised there was a second identical cake in the fridge (there was) that she bought just in case things got crazy.  Sana kissed her again, and then the bit of frosting she gave her, off Momo's cheek.

There were a few wolf-whistles.  Momo looked over at Nayeon nervously, feeling something in the pit of her stomach like before.  Honestly, she hadn't planned on getting her back, but after recent revalations, all her feelings for Nayeon opened back up like a fresh wound.  Jihyo pulled Sana off of her and Momo took the opportunity to go the bathroom and get Sana's saliva off her skin.

When she got back Nayeon announced both herself and Jeongyeon as too tired too stay.

"What?  I'm not tired."

"Shut up, you're old just like me."

"I'm just as old as them!"

"Yeah, and which one of you has the worst back problems?"

Momo nearly said herself, but Jeongyeon already fessed up.

"Thanks for inviting us," Nayeon leaned in, kissed Sana on the cheek.  "I love you Sana."

"Yeah, love you," Jeongyeon piped up from behind.  She kissed her palm and whacked the kiss onto Sana's forehead.  She smiled dopily, ignoring the slap in favor of acknowledging the kiss instead.

"One day you'll be saying that in our vows Jeong!"

Jeongyeon stuck out her tongue and Nayeon dragged her away before she got trapped in Sana's web.  As straight as she was, Sana was the kind of girl who could snag anyone if she truly wanted (and Jeongyeon certainly did not need to get involved in that).

This made Momo curious later that night, as she remembered, exactly how many women she knew Sana had been with, why she was so single for so long?

She laid her head down on Momo's shoulder, She's the Man playing quietly through the TV speakers.  ("It's the gayest straight movie I've ever seen," was Momo's reasoning, and Sana easily agreed.)  Tzuyu was already asleep, and Jihyo went out for late night studying.

"I'm sorry I have to leave," she said, but Sana shook her head, grabbing Jihyo by her chubby cheeks and thanking her profusely.

"I don't know what I would have done without you."  

Jihyo gives her this pained smile, like she's both flattered and a little terrified, and pries herself out of Sana's grip.  "You would have lived," she assures, "just barely," and with a wink she was out the door.

Jihyo gone, Tzuyu asleep, and Sana following closely after, eyes fluttering between every bit of dialogue.  Momo wrapped her arm around Sana's shoulder and eased her into a better position.

"Can you believe we're coming up on our tenth year?"

Sana snickered.  "You make it sound like we're a couple."

Momo leaned down to kiss her forehead.  Sana's eyes opened slightly.

"We basically are."

Momo was smiling but Sana remained frozen, slightly expressionless.  She sat up suddenly, stretching out, and then claimed she needed to use the bathroom.  She didn't come back for a while, but when she did, she looked even more tired.

"Do you want me to take you to bed?" Momo asked.

Sana shook her head.  "Thank you," she said softly, "I'll find it myself."

 

//

 

The way the world had it, you find your soulmate mark at 21.  

However, that doesn't guarantee you find your soulmate at 21.  Momo found hers at 16, on a plane ride to a foreign country; someone she'd never met before.  And after that, she went on to make that girl her best friend, and then at 21, she was her soulmate.

Had she been her soulmate all along?

Soulmates don't exactly work on a timeline, or else everyone else's wouldn't arrive before birth, or after death, in between shifting relationships, or on an animal wildlife preserve in the form of an injured baby elephant.

(Momo's starting to believe in the weird soulmates stories more and more.  So who cares if the zoologist could have just named the elephant the name she had on her neck?  It might just be a weird coincidence.)

Momo realized then, at 21, that what she had been waiting for her whole life was not her soulmate, but her true love.  As it turns out, they can be mutually exclusive.  Hana's true love was a boy she met at her job, who she's now engaged to, who her mother is already begging for kids.  But she found her soulmate 11 years earlier, and she goes by the name of Rika, and she's still Hana's best friend in the whole world, but she's not who she's getting married to.

This still shouldn't bother Momo as much as it does, but it does.  She feels like a little kid, so wrapped up in a fantasy that she refuses to believe in what's right in front of her.

Then she saw it.  The notebook on Sana's desk, the one Momo was "borrowing" to write song lyrics in, it fell open to a dog eared page, and Momo saw it.

And her heart sank.

 

//

 

She didn't take Sana's notebook that day; she left it there, and ran back to her own room, heart pounding in her chest, afraid to get caught.  Not that Sana wasn't already aware that Momo frequently used her stuff without asking, but she's sure Sana never wanted her to see this.  And still, the more she tried not to think about it, the more present it was in her mind.

A heart, just like the ones she would draw in her school notebooks.  Two letters inside, just like the initials she would scribble, of people whose last name she thought would look good next to hers.  Her heart thudded louder as she traced over the characters in her head.  Familiar ones, she had practiced writing them since the day she could spell her own name; and then another set that threw off the rhythm in her chest and sent her mind spinning into chaos

Sana x Momo.  Sana and Momo.  SxM. 

A bunch of different permutations in different size hearts across the page.  Even though Momo had done such things herself, after fogging up the bus window, drawing their initials in a heart, and then sending a snap to Sana with the heart eyes emoji as the caption, this felt different.  Momo had never seen these before.  Sana didn't want her to see them.  Something about it, something about the hearts which seemed so innocuous, mundane... something about it was too precious to be shared.  She felt like she just read Sana's diary, and guilt plagued her heart.

She didn't want to hurt Sana.  But right now, she couldn't see a single way that this wouldn't end badly.

Then -as if trying to prove her worries to be true- Sana barged into her room.  Her eyes wide, cheeks slightly puffed up the way she did when she was trying to hold back some emotion. 

"Were you just in my room?"

"Uh, yeah," Momo answered quickly, trying not to lie, but still looking guilty in spite of telling the truth.

Sana narrowed her eyes.

"Well what were you doing in there?"

"I was looking for an outfit to borrow."

Sana crossed her arms.

"I didn't hear the closet door open."

"I was just um- I remembered I had something I'd rather wear in my own closet, so I left without checking."

She didn't sound convincing at all, and she could see Sana's panic rising.  Momo wanted to comfort her, but she herself didn't have enough time to process what she just found.

"I'm gonna go for a jog," Sana announced, sparing both of them.  "Don-" she cut herself off, swiftly heading back to her room where Momo could hear her shift things around -no doubt hiding the notebook- and then returned with a sweatband and a flushed face.  "Just text if you need me okay?"  She didn't wait for a response.  She sprinted out of the apartment.

 

//

 

She had thought about it before.

She even told her first girlfriend as much, but she never really committed to the idea.  It's not that it didn't make sense, it's just that Momo had already decided it wasn't right.  Sana was like her sister.

That word settled uncomfortably in Momo's gut, as she realized the way she thought about Sana and her actual sister were in fact, completely different.

It could be a simple crush.  Momo could ignore it, and let it pass on it's own.  She didn't want to embarrass Sana.  She wouldn't do anything to hurt Sana in any way.  She started to breathe heavily.  Sana was more important to her than anything, and she might have done something permanent.  

It was always simple the way Sana fit into her life.  Momo slid on her jacket as she prepared to leave the apartment.  It didn't take any philosophizing to understand Sana's position in her life; she just fit.  The soulmate mark was more confirmation than anything.  Unlike other people who find their soulmates by getting their mark, it felt as thought she got her mark by finding her soulmate.

It wasn't like this job that she had to earn, or Nayeon who she had to impress.  Once Sana entered her life she just stayed.  It's like Momo was a lovely little neighborhood that Sana decided to settle down in.  There were no negotiations, no bargaining, no sales.  She found this empty spot, and she took it, and she decided she never wanted to leave, and Momo decided she always wanted her to say.

But it was all done subconsciously -Momo blows on her hands to keep them warm as she enters the cold November air- there was no planning in their friendship.

Since she never had to consider anything, never had to think about it as it was happening, maybe that's why it wasn't obvious to her.  She didn't realize how important Sana was because she didn't make her important, she just was.  

Her lungs hurt from running, and she didn't know why she took off like that, she had no idea where Sana went.  She pulled out her phone to dial her.

Please answer.

Sana didn't pick up.

Momo ran faster, directionless, feeling the burn spread down her chest to her thighs, then her calves.  She texted Sana too, and it felt like her whole life was hanging on the reply.

 

//

 

Most people's soulmates are their best friends, or their family.

Sana Minatozaki, was the exception.