They say that to experience darkness, you need to know how to feel when there’s light surrounding you. Right now I don’t know if I will ever get to see the light again since I have fallen deep enough in this abyss in my mind. I am always thinking. When will this end? When do I get to reveal the person behind the curtain? When will I have the chance to say what I mean? How all of these things will end? These questions kept on surging through my consciousness until my brother tapped my shoulder.

“Hey,”

I turned to him while holding my backpack. We’re in the apartment that he rented. The room wasn’t that big nor small, it’s enough his words played through my head. The room looked exactly like the rooms that I often see on tv shows where the protagonists stay when they moved in a new place. It’s funny that sometimes what we see in fictional stories on a tv show can actually happen in real life. Unknowingly, I let my face form a small smile because of my realization.

“I guess you’re actually okay with this,” Chan asked.

“Huh?”

“You’re smiling.”

“Ah, yeah. I think this will be good for a while.”

“Yeah.”

I put my bag on a corner of the room and sat beside it. I unloaded the things I have: clothes, my three favorite novels, toothbrush, my tangled earphones, and my journal. It’s not that much, but when all of these are still in the bag it looked like the bag will tear apart because it’s bloated. I think you can compare that to myself— to my mind exactly.

I have these never ending thoughts about my existence, my self, and my being. Most of these thoughts question the real me because sometimes I don’t even know who is me. I guess it’s really hard to cope with this world and find about yourself more when majority of my time is spent half awake. Nearly all the time I get this sense of sleepiness and I just can’t help to delve in that feeling and get carried away. One pull of the trigger in my mind, then bam. I just can’t help it. I can’t help myself but to take the waves and sail with it.

Chan came back from the outside and shut the door. I never noticed that he was gone for minutes. He’s holding a broom and a dustpan.

“This room needs some cleaning. Look at these cobwebs, christ.” I was going to get the broom from him but he moved it away from me.

“Nope, I’ll do the cleaning here and you go get us some groceries for supper and tomorrow’s breakfast.” I nodded at him. He placed the broom near the door and went to get his wallet.

“Buy me some of our favorite,” he said, “Ramen.”

“Oh right, I talked to one of the residents in this apartment. She said that the nearest convenience store is 7 or 8 streets away? So probably a 30 minute walk. Is that al–”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Also don’t forget the kimbap aaaaand tteokbokki. I’m really starving