The walls were a shy beige, the coffee tones in the blinds reflected across his skin. There was a picture in Kyungsoo’s hand. His eyes shimmered as he looked down to it. At the bottom left corner of the back, it was signed.

Kim Jongin

Standing up, Kyungsoo walked to the window and moved the curtains aside. As his eyes adapted to the newly seen light from outside, his mind wandered to the lyric sheets on the nightstand near his bed. And as he saw the horizon from outside his apartment, reminding him of Jongin.

Maybe in cinema, this sunset could love me and, maybe you could too.

He shook his head after a few moments and walked back to his room. He looked to the nightstand, and at the lyric sheet for a moment.

When Kyungsoo was writing the song, he was trying to reach out, somewhere to someone. He was desperate, but with each memory that passed and each flick of the pen, he remembered, he knew he was his dream.

He hummed the melody lightly, and as he closed his eyes, his lips began to spell out his deepest thoughts.

But the memories came little by little and he drifted off to sleep, a smile appeared on his face.

——

“Kyungsoo!” Jongin shouted as he came running to him.

“Yes?” Kyungsoo responded, not looking back to him, he was reading his favorite book.

He heard a thump next to him, and a new warmth near his arms. He looked next to him, and smiled. There was an object he was trying to hide, behind his hands and clasped in his fingers.

Squinting, Kyungsoo asked.

“What do you have?”

Jongin smiled mischievously and slowly brought forth the cassette tape in his hands.

“Here, it’s for you.”

Kyungsoo stayed quiet for a bit, just staring at the tape. He had told Jongin a few days ago that his parents had just gotten a stereo.

“T-Thanks.” He said in surprise, and hugged Jongin excitedly.

Jongin hugged him back and laughed.

“Just promise me you’ll sing for me okay? One of those songs everyday.”

Kyungsoo nodded, but then paused.

“Wait, so you’re doing this for your own convenience!” He shouted scandalized, trying not to laugh.

Kyungsoo tried to get free from the hug but Jongin only hugged him tighter.

“Of course I am!”

He felt the rumbling of Jongin’s laugh from his body and he started to laugh along too.

“You’re so selfish.” Kyungsoo tutted between chuckles.

“Of course, only for you!”

Both of them burst out in giggles.

——

“It’s hard to believe we’re so close to graduation.” Jongin whispered.

“I know.” Kyungsoo said.

“And in a few years, the festival as well.”

“Yeah.”

Both became silent, staring forward, they were in Kyungsoo’s house, the living room.

Before the thought could escape him, Kyungsoo moved from the couch to get the box he had placed near the table in front of them. The TV was staring straight at the two, not . Quietly, Kyungsoo moved back to where he was and handed Jongin the box.

Jongin stared at the box in surprise and looked at Kyungsoo questioningly.

“Is it for me?”

“Yeah.”

He stared at Jongin quietly as he opened the box and looked inside it.

“Oh, Soo.” Jongin gasped, “are you sure? I know these are precious to you.”

“I’d like you to keep them, I’ve read them all anyway.” Kyungsoo tried acting nonchalant.

Jongin grasped his hand.

“Thank you. I’ll take care of them well.”

Kyungsoo looked away and made a puff with his lips, “Stop being so sappy or I’m not going to make you food.” He said as he pushed Jongin on his shoulder to go to the kitchen.

Jongin could only stare at him with a fond smile, as he had his back to him when he was moving the vegetables in the pots and pans. Kyungsoo didn’t notice, and he didn’t notice that same smile given to him when he was fully facing him.

——

Kyungsoo snickered to himself. Jongin was sleeping and drooling on the bed.

They had been watching a movie, their fifth movie, and it was already three in the morning. So Kyungsoo couldn’t really blame Jongin.

“But this is my chance!” He said cackling.

Kyungsoo took out his phone meticulously and took a picture of Jongin, well, several. And as he was still laughing a lightbulb at the top of his head.

He positioned himself near Jongin and posed for a picture, he had his usual V sign. He took a lot of photos, each with a new pose.

Deciding he was done, Kyungsoo relaxed into his previous spot on the bed, and looked at his picture gallery. He figured he could print some of them out.

A few days later he sent the printed photos to Jongin in the mail, he knew he got them once he was chased down the street. Jongin’s fingers were clutching the envelope, running down the sidewalk like a madman with his hair flopping everywhere.

But it was worth it.

——-

As soon as he woke up he received a call from his manager. 

In the next hour, he ended up in a recording booth to make the last edits of his album. 

Just one more song left.

——

“Are you ready Kyungsoo?”

“Yes, I’m ready.”

He gripped the earphones on each side of his head.

With just a wisp of a memory he started

The place where even time lost its way
Captivated by the soft gestures

Remembering the gentle gestures of his fall, the gentle rise of his being.

You spread within me uncontrollably
My sight is filled with only you

The way he elicited gasps from his audience, the way the eyes in the crowd almost cried in awe.

I can’t even breathe (It’s not easy baby)
The more I try to escape, it becomes deeper

His smile in every of rebirth. Creating a want of sound that permeated the air he passed through.

Just let me Fall, fall, fall for you
Into you Fall, fall I’m falling
Endlessly

The harsh cold in his back, searching the eyes of a runaway.

With a step forward he felt like chasing after him.

The shortened breath that sinks me
It’s rather comfortable, deeper
Fall, fall
I fall

He imagined the harsh footsteps he could take, speeding up, to turn him around.

You’ve got me tied in your tangled stares
You try to invade my unconscious
I take a step forward knowing that it’s dangerous

The hand that he could lift to touch his cheek, the stare he knew he would receive.

I can’t even breathe (It’s not easy baby)
The more I try to break free, it becomes darker
Just let me Fall, fall, fall for you
Into you Fall, fall I’m falling
Endlessly

But as he would inch closer

My breath rises and locks
It’s actually more comfortable, deeper
Fall, Fall
I’m falling

and closer

In the faintly shining sky
Draw me out thicker (draw me out more)
For a long time in your memories (in your memories baby)
Engrave me deeper (engrave deeper)

until he felt breath touch his lips, maybe he’d feel a little bit more complete.

Yeah, lies are bitter, even though I know, lies are bitter
I said I fell for you but you made me fall so deep
I can see endlessly, you come inside and suffocate me
I lost everything, can’t turn it back

Because then

Just like this, fall, fall, fall for you
Into your arms, fall, fall
I’m falling
Endlessly

his dream

Feels so far away
Only you are allowed for me in this moment
Fall, fall, into you
I’m falling

could finally be beside him.

——-

Kyungsoo had left the recording studio with a “good work.” and a few praises from his coworkers. They had told him it was almost time to release his album.

He had been working on it through his slump, it was the only thing that kept him motivated. It was his only source of counter attack, he opened himself up, poured out his deepest longing, and gave up all his chains. To sing, to want, to cry, to write, was what he did, and when the syllables of his lyrics flowed through his tongue, he could feel his chest pulse. The only way to describe it was free.

He looked up to the sky as the rain clouds were beginning to form. He had felt the stark contrast in temperature as he left the recording studio into the open, the shivering and chattering of his teeth agreeing.

Quickly, he walked into the grocery store a few blocks away from the studio, waving politely to the aunties and uncles selling street food near the sidewalk as he passed by. Kyungsoo figured he should pass by now that he was here, the fridge in his house was almost empty.

He stepped forward a bit, the automatic metal doors sliding open easily, and the neutral temperature greeted him delightfully. There was a shopping cart to the right of him, near the fruits section and he rushed to get it. Strolling through the isles, he grabbed bare necessities for food and an umbrella near the front.

As he was done, he waited in the cash register to pay.

But when he walked closer to the employee he saw a familiar face.

“Seulgi?”

Her hair was tied in a cute bun, stray bangs framing her face well.

“Kyungsoo?” Seulgi’s face lit up in a smile as she scanned his items.

“It’s been a long time. How are you?” Kyungsoo said cheerfully, a bit frazzled to have found her here.

“I know! I’ve been pretty good. I still found my soulmate and I am working hard. My sister actually made me fill in for one of her workers, said they called in sick. Lies I say! How about you?” She chuckled.

“Ah well, I uh departed from mine. I’m surprised you didn’t hear. But I’ve been good as well.” Kyungsoo laughed awkwardly.

“I see, I thought it was one of those toxic rumors going around, so I ignored it but I can’t believe it was true.”

Seulgi finished scanning the last item.

“Well, I don’t know if my consolation makes you feel any better but, I’ll give you my number so we can chat later okay?”

“Thanks Seulgi.”

Swiftly, Kyungsoo copied the contact Seulgi left on the receipt to his phone.

By the time he was done at the store, it was darker out and he was walking home. He was a few blocks away from it, when something caught his eye.

It was a poster. The one that had made him buy a ticket a few nights before.

—

Decorated with soft lights, the picture on it was black and white. On the bottom of the page was the date the recital would take place, it was in small font, and in an equally as small font, was the name of the person who would perform.

But he didn’t need to read the name at the bottom to know who it was. Because someone as mesmerizing as Jongin can’t be forgotten.

Before he knew it, the wind was softly blowing kisses onto his skin, his feet met the cement, and he was standing in front of a ticket booth far away from home.

With adrenaline-filled breaths, Kyungsoo walked to the lonesome booth. It was gold, and the lights above were lit up as well. But, the inside was dark, it seemed like faraway land, and the only thing else illuminating the building were the street lamps along the sidewalk.

Entranced and a bit wary, Kyungsoo walked to the window to buy a ticket, an employee was there.

“Hello.” Kyungsoo greeted hesitantly.

“Hello, what can I do for you today?” The person in the ticket booth smiled, his name tag read Xiumin, he was wearing a suit.

“I’d like a ticket please, to Kim Jongin’s recital. If you still have seats available.”

“Of course, let me see, your name please.” Xiumin said, looking at the computer screen in front of him, a hint of a smile on his face.

“Do Kyungsoo.”

Minseok’s lips immediately formed an amused smirk. “Well, looks like there’s one left.”

Not thinking much of the smile, assuming it was the satisfaction of a ticket sale, Kyungsoo bought the ticket.

“Enjoy the recital.” Xiumin called out in a cheery voice with a teasing lilt.

——-

Kyungsoo shook out of his flashback when he heard the rustling of a paper bag on the street. He looked up to admire stars that were barely seen through the pollution and then back to the skyscrapers miles along from the streets.

“I guess I too, understand the city’s regret.”

——

He’d called Seulgi, which led to the opening of a door and an invite to her home.

She was very kind, and so was her husband Junwoo.

Kyungsoo was currently at her house eating dinner with them.

There was a warmth in the air, similar to the warmth he’d find in his parent’s home. It was rosy and clarifying, he could tell the two owners were deeply in love.

It stung at his chest to watch them stare at each other with so much beauty. To watch how their eyes instantly brightened and how their posture and slight mere movements gravitated toward the other.

It hurt to want the same thing for himself.

But he ignored it and smiled along, masking it within his two lips and his two saddened eyes.

“And he was just staring at me. So I went up to him and asked him if he had a problem!” Seulgi burst into laughter. “He told me that the moonlight shining on my skin was intruding on my precious body, and how he’d felt so jealous of it because it couldn’t be him! Who would’ve known he was such a romantic?!”

Junwoo laughed along and nodded shyly, there was a rouge tinting his cheeks in slight embarrassment and adoration. He took silent glances at Seulgi, to him, watching her smile made his heart burst in happiness.

Kyungsoo took a bite of his lasagna, the food almost wanting to retreat from his mouth in rejection.

And as he swallowed it, he laughed so hard tears fell from his eyes.

He clutched at his stomach, and he almost let out his deepest sob.

Because the story was so funny, it was just so absolutely hilarious that it physically tore him up inside.

“That’s- I- unbelievable.” He breathed out, already simmered from his laughing fit.

Seulgi smiled, chuckling a bit. “I know. But I couldn’t be happier, even if his cheese is off the charts.”

Junwoo looked at her teasingly. “You love my cheesiness.”

“I do.”

Kyungsoo looked away, his sanity slowly slipping away from him and his sadness climbing up to his face. But he played it off with a small tilt of his lips.

He knew that if he looked away, he would look coy and teasing.

“I should get going now. But thank you for the lovely meal.” Kyungsoo voiced out, already standing up.

“Of course, thank you for coming. It was great having you here.” Seulgi beamed.

Junwoo nodded.

He bowed and made his way to the door, where he said his goodbyes and final thanks.

Once he was in his car, basking in his presence, Kyungsoo let out a few unhidden stray tears and started his car.

He gripped the wheel tightly. The emptiness in his heart was still there, he’d clutch to his left and no beats were heard.

It was like a downtrodden symphony, no love and still having too much to bear.

The blood in his heart spilled from his fingers like sand, and the boiling point of his tears reached the bottom of his spine.

He was just so angry. So sad and frustrated.

Why couldn’t he?

Why not just more?

Why? Why? Why?

He hated it, the word why.

Because he just wanted it to happen.

It was so much harder to ignore his loneliness when he was far.

But being closer was worse. A needle pricking through his palm, and the tip never drawing anything but slashes and gashes, that’s how it felt.

He was almost like a doll to poke and tear.

Was it too much? Just to be near him, to hold him, to kiss him? To be his? To have his rapid beating be touched and soothed rather than to be dropped down to his finest toes. To not feel like his soul ripped itself from its body, like it left a fragment inside him that permeated anguish.

Truly mad. Madness, insanity, tears, choking, pain, eyes, lost, shallow breaths, breath, a press to his chest, a knife through his stomach.

He wondered when it would end.

He made it to his house, passing through traffic lights, stopping through traffic lights, decreasing his speed through traffic lights.

He did it all.

Kyungsoo leaned against the steering wheel of his car and felt sobs tremble through his body.

The feeling was so familiar, it didn’t bother to feel foreign, nor did it bother to make itself any less coursing.

There were screams clawing and breaking through his skin.

He bottled it up again and again, and again and again.

There was always a saying, a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

And he felt like tearing out the emotions from his limbs.

Because he was the only one who couldn’t have received a rainbow in the first place.

Amusing.

Truly amusing.

Through it all, Kyungsoo always made sure to laugh. He heard if it’s done enough, the person doing it gradually becomes happier.

Really, really amusing.

———

Author’s Note: So… this was a bit angsty… but I have a reason! I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter and I’ll make sure to include fluff in the next chapters to come.

I decided to show a little bit more of Kyungsoo’s perspective in this chapter because I feel like his actions in the previous weren’t explaining the emotion I wanted them to?

I really wanted to write his character so frustrated that he couldn’t even label his emotions. Because, imagining a love that’s just at the tip of a person’s finger seems so heartbreaking and tiring. It just made me really sad for him. + I mean that kiss, he must feel even more confused.

But I’m sure we’re all rooting for Kyungsoo!!

Alsoooooo, my new story is out! (Water Bottles in California) It’s a one shot and beta-d, with extra scenes in there for you guys :) so feel free to check it out. It does have angst but I promise that most of it is super fluffy and random (in a good way). But the story will have a TW for panic attacks and other warnings that I will mention in the description.