What the hell am I doing here?

This is wrong.

I don´t belong here.

I should go home.

With every step I took towards the building, these thoughts occupied my head. I saw the lights dancing out of the windows into the dark, heard the loud pounding of the music and the howls and laughter of the other students.

The normal people. The happy people. The popular ones.

I felt my heart beating faster the closer I came. But there was still a part of my brain that kept pushing me. Come on! Fight! You can do this. It´s just a party, what could possibly happen? Just be NORMAL for once!

Okay then.

There were groups of friends filing into the frat house, couples, girls dressed up in short skirts and make-up. I gulped and remembered what I looked like: No make-up. Jeans shorts and an oversized dark blue sweater carelessly tucked in, everything was worn out and screamed "I don´t care". When I stepped throught he door I was greeted by loud "woohooo"s and "yeeeaaahhh"s but they weren´t for me. I turned and saw that the student president and his friends had arrived. So I just stepped to the side, pressed flat against the wall to not stand in their way.

From across the room, I felt a stare, nagging at me and forcing me to look up. The popular girls. Of course. Pretty smiles, perfect grades, goodlooking boyfriends, happy families, a life. One of them scanned me head to toe, then leaned over to her friends, giggling and whispering something, then stared at me again with a dooming and judging expression in her eyes that told me:

YOU DON`T BELONG HERE.

Right. I DON`T BELONG HERE.

I couldn´t hold her stare so I lowered my eyes to the floor, their laughter ringing in my ears. Still people were entering and leaving, always rushing past me, leaving the smell of alcohol and cigarettes mixed with various aftershaves and perfumes.

I couldn´t do this.

Stumbling and shivering, I made my way out, running across the frontyard, my mind blank and at the same time full of thoughts. Just a few meters away I broke down, sinking onto the curbstone. I felt the tears streaming down my face as well as the looks I got from the passer-by party people piercing my back but I just could not bring myself to move, get up and get away.

Whatever. I don´t care.

"Hey, are you okay?". The voice came from besides me so I turned my head and looked up to where it came from. It was Min Yoongi. THE Min Yoongi. One of the most popluar students on campus with one girl on each finger. No wait. Make that 5.

Seeing my smudged, tear-wet face and the swollen red eyes he could pretty much answer the question himself. He sat down next to me, tilting his head curiously.

"What happened?"

"Nothing. Everything. I don´t know" I replied, voice weak and rough from all the crying. I let out a deep sigh.

"You wouldn´t understand..." I murmured.

HIs friends in the background became a tad impatient:"Are you coming now or what?"

Yoongi quickly looked over his shoulder and replied "You go ahead, I... I´ll need a minute" and waved them off, turning towards me again.

"I can try." Somehow his deep voice and the calm but slightly tired expression on his face soothed me. I wiped away my tears with my sleeves, not caring about the stains.

He never talked to me before and now wanted me to tell him about my messed up self?

But I mean who cares. My inner self shrugged and so the words started pouring out of me.

"Okay so... I really wanted to go to this party. I wanted to try and be normal but... I can´t... There´s nobody who cares if I show up or not, nobody who waits for me. They all don´t want me in there, I don´t fit in. I don´t have a perfect life, I´m not popular... I mean I tried; I really did. But it´s so damn hard, so hard... It was just all too much you know? The looks and stares, the giggling, ignoring me and at the same time judging me... I just can´t do this."

All of this flowed out of my mouth, as if the words and feelings had only been waiting for this chance to escape. I stared at my dirty, worn-to-death sneakers.

Yoongi had just listened silently until now.

"But why wouldn´t they want you?"

"Because I´m ugly and stupid and fat and dumb and broken, that´s why!" I exploded. The tears started falling again no matter how much I tried to hold them back. Yoongi shifted a bit, awkwardly putting one of his arms around me and pulling me towards his shoulder. First I struggled against it but then I just let my head exhaustedly fall onto his shoulder, wetting his grey t-shirt with my tears.

He softly my hair, unsure of what to say, so we stayed like this for a couple of minutes until my breathing got calmer again.

"You are nothing like that" he said.

"How would you know?" I mumbled into his shoulder. "You don´t even know my name". You are Min Yoongi I added silently. People like you don´t give a about people like me.

"Your name is Holly" Yoongi stated. "We have English Literature and Advanced Journalism II together. You always doodle in class when Professor Lee starts his boring monologues. You drink so much black coffee that I wonder if you even sleep at night. Your hair shimmers red when the sunlight strikes it. You don´t smile often and when you do it´s just a small one but you should smile more often." He enumerated all this without looking at me, staring into the middle distance.

"I know what you feel like. I´ve been there. But eventually you´ll get better. It may not look like it yet but just hold on a little longer."

I looked up at his face and snivelled. "Promise?"

"Pinky promise!"

I smiled slightly at him. "Thank you"

He got up and stretched his hand out towards me still sitting on the curbstone. "One last try, okay?"

I frowned sceptically, thoughts starting to race again. Maybe this wasn´t a good idea.

Yoongi sensed my hesitation and pulled me up: "I´ll be there the entire time, no one can hurt you! But if it´s too much, just tell me and we´ll leave."

I nodded and he guided me towards the party again, where people were still dancing, singing and drinking like nothing had happened while I felt like ages had passed since my last attempt to be normal.

With every step we came closer my anxiety got louder and I felt my knees starting to shake again. But I was willing to fight once more. Yoongi pushed me through the door, one hand slightly on my waist and whispered "I´m here, okay? I will protect you." to reassure me. I gulped and nodded again, eyes travelling around the room while he led me towards a spot a little less crowded but still pretty much in the center of the living room. Just when Yoongi opened his mouth to say something, one of his friends pulled him by the sleeve and away from me, ignoring my existence completely.

Yoongi just mouthed "I´ll be right back" and gave me an excusing look. Then he was gone.

And I stood there, alone once again, all my confidence gone (and it never had been much anyway).

Again I felt the stares of the popular girls from across the room, looking at me, whispering and laughing while sipping their cocktails. I was so done. I wanted to die or at least camouflage into the background so no one would notice me.

Just when I thought about leaving, Yoongi came back, looking at me worriedly. I just looked at the girls and he shifted his attention towards them too now while I hung my head and avoided their gazes.

Yoongi immediately got what was going on. He made eyecontact with the girls, then pulled me closer towards him, cupping my face and placing a soft kiss on my lips.

In the middel of the room.

Surrounded by all these people.

The music faded and the lights blurred and all I felt was this bright light inside of me, growing with every second Yoongi continued to kiss me.

Distantly I heard someone cheering, his friend yelling "BROOO!" and people gasping but nothing really mattered as I felt the light run through my veins, spreading into my limbs and filling my whole body.

I began to heal.