Something about rain sounded like a memory going through his heart like a knife. Something about rain reminded Sehun about someone with cheeky smile and wide eyes. Something about rain explained many things about the untold story left behind. Something about rain brought back a pain—a fresh wound; an empty space.

Something about rain reminded him about a man who liked dancing in stillness; singing in silence; painting in a blank space; writing in a deep agony.

A sound of laughter echoed in his ears like a broken cassette and Sehun stood there unmoving. His body went rigid and he let the rain wash his pain away. His eyes hardened when he remembered that person.

A man named Luhan, whose scent stil lingered a little longer, a little harder—painful enough to make Sehun wince at the thought of the person.

Sehun tried to move away. But he just stood there, in the middle of people who were busy running and tried to not get wet. But Sehun knew better.

He knew he loved rain since it was the only thing that reminded him of that person.

Because a certain someone loved rain a little too much. Because a certain someone told him to get wet in the middle of the rain. Because a certain someone left the memories of them with the first rain this year.

Because Sehun knew—that he still loved Luhan a little too much.

And this pain—this pain would not go away anytime soon, because the wound was still fresh. And anything would hurt him—even a slightest touch, a slow wind blowing.

Anything would only hurt him, because the absence of Luhan was too strong to be ignored.

 

-.oOo.-

 

Sehun ignored the annoying looks thrown by the customers when he entered a familiar café and walked straight to an empty table beside the counter. He let his wet body went straight and ignored the pity look from Kyungsoo behind the counter.

As soon as he sat in the empty table, he put his coat off and placed it in the back of his seat, and not until he sat straight again, a familiar voice greeted him in a worrying tone.

“Don’t let yourself be ruined by this goddamned rain.”

Sehun let a half-hearted chuckle and shaked his head slowly. “It is not that cold, you know?”

“I’m not talking about the cold.”

Sehun looked at Kyungsoo with a knowing look. His eyes softened a bit, and when Kyungsoo noticed it, the shorter man let a long sigh.

“Don’t be like this, Sehun.”

Sehun remained silent, but the absence of words never fooled Do Kyungsoo.

“Stop ruining yourself.”

The voice of laughter from the customers all over that place redeemed Kyungsoo’s desperate plea. The silence embracing the two men could never be gone, and Sehun knew better.

He knew that it was the best for him to remained silent, because no words could describe the complicated feeling going on in his head. No voices could convey his agony, because it was too deep, too fresh, too painful for him to handle.

“Sehun, Luhan would never like you to behave it in this way.”

Sehun’s eyes hardened in a moment. It was so cruel. Too cruel, how someone could affect him so deeply. How everyone could only mention a single, ing name for him to break into pieces. How cruel it was, to spell a name which could make him silent in a moment—could tear him apart in one second.

“I... Kyungsoo, I...”

Kyungsoo’s right hand reached and gripped Sehun’s trembling hands and soothed him in the softest way. Those big eyes shone like it understood the untold stories Sehun wanted to convey, but failed miserably.

“I know, Sehun. I know...”

“No. No, you don’t know. You—you never know how it feels.”

Kyungsoo remained silent at those words because he knew that Sehun was right. He was right. Kyungsoo never understood. He never knew how it felt to be in a position like Sehun’s. Sehun was right. Kyungsoo never knew his biggest fight he tried to hide away. Kyungsoo never knew his silent plea and soundless cry in the midnight. Kyungsoo never knew his deepest fear. Kyungsoo never knew how it felt—to be left behind.

“You’re right. You’re right, Sehun. I never know.”

Sehun’s trembling hands were so cold. So stiff like corpse’s.

And outside, the pouring water from the colorless sky knew a silent plea from Oh Sehun. And like a midsummer night’s shower, the sound of each raindrop still tried to wash away his pain—but failed nonetheless. Because the agony was just too deep.

Luhan’s absence was just too painful.

And Sehun knew better.

That how many times he wished to God and universe for him to come back, it was just useless.

But still—missing someone who had affected him so deeply had been his habit.

-.oOo.-

If he could, he would trade his own soul to a wish. A wish to make him heartless so he could feel nothing. Nothing could only safe him from a broken heart, so he just wanted to be a heartless person. Because he knew better—he knew it would be better that way.

It was almost midnight but Sehun couldn’t sleep. He didn’t do sleep. Sleep was just a manifestation of a bitter reality so you could repeat the hurtful things you wanted to forget so badly. Sleep was just a bridge to your memories—both good ones and bad ones—and mixed it so you were played. Your brain would understand the memory playing in the dream but your heart couldn’t. That was cruel, too cruel for someone like Sehun who only relied on feeling and memory to remember Luhan.

Sehun inhaled a deep breathe, filling his lungs with air full of Luhan’s lingering scent. The scent made him suffocated, because Sehun realized that as time went by, the remain scent fade away and anything could fulfill the empty feeling in his heart.

It was almost midnight and Sehun could only stare at the blank ceiling. All seemed so colorless and numb. The vibrant of Luhan’s laughter and voice fade slowly as Sehun could not remember which one was Luhan’s voice or his desperate plea.

All things in his home was full of Luhan. Luhan’s smile lingered a little too much on every place in this home. Everything shouted his name—Luhan, Luhan, Luhan. And Sehun was just too tired to make it stay. To make Luhan’s presence be a absolute truth. Sehun was battling with the suffocating solitude, alone, full of agony but he remembered a thing.

He remembered.

Call him crazy, but Sehun could only care less.

And soon, he grabbed his phone in the table beside his bed and in a flash, he texted to a certain number.

“Hyung…”

“Can I call you?”

“Hyung, I miss you. Please come back.”

“Please, Hyung. Don’t be like this. I miss you like a retard.”

“Kyungsoo, Jongin, Chanyeol—our friends miss you too! They are sad just because you’re not here anymore. Even Zhu misses you! That fatass cat meows at me and gives me his sad look whenever I get home alone without you. Please…”

“Where do I go wrong, Hyung. Tell me. Where do we go wrong?”

“Hyung… I will kiss you better. I will love you better, take a very good care of you. Even I would love Zhu too! Please, come back Hyung. Don’t ruin me.”

“You said you wanted to go to a festival at town this March, right? Okay, I’ll accompany you there even though I don’t like crowded place. Just… Please, come back to me.”

“Don’t leave me behind.”

“Please…”

“Come home, kay?”

“Hyung…”

“Luhan…”

“I’m at home everytime you want to go back here. I—I’m always here.”

“Luhan… Please, just for this time.”

“Sweetheart…”

“Do you want me to die?! You know I’m suffocated and you’re the air I could ever ask!”

“Luhan… Please.”

And there was no single reply.

And Sehun cried silently.

But—

Pip! Pip!

Sehun opened his eyes in a flash, and when he looked at his phone and got a familiar name appeared in the screen.

“Hello?”

Silence.

“Luhan… Luhan, please, com—”

“Sehun-ah….”

Sehun’s heart, once again, broke into pieces when all he heard was a different voice, not a familiar one that always haunted him in his sleepless nights.

“Don’t be like this…”

“…”

“Please, don’t ruin yourself. Luhan would not like it. Please, Sehun.”

“…”

“Please let Luhan go.”

“…”

“He will be sad up there if he knows you behave like this.”

“…”

“He has died, Sehun, and you should stop chasing his memories. Stop agonizing about his death, Sehun. Mama begs you. You—you should move on too.”

“…”

“You should erase the pain. Because my little boy would only cry if he knows that his dearest husband let himself be ruined slowly.”

And Sehun, let tears cover his haggard face.

Because Sehun knew better—that even universe forced him to let Luhan go, he just couldn’t. Because he had held down the memories with Luhan.

The sound of raindrops reminded Sehun of bitter reality where the world was so cruel without a person whom you could in love with. The sound of rain crashed with the earth beneath reminded Sehun of a thousand silent ways where he would be more than willing to confess—that even he couldn’t touch him anymore, he would whisper a thousand cheesy words for Luhan so he wouldn’t be alone up there.

The sound of raindrops redeemed his voiceless cry. The sound of raindrops brought his I love yous to his lover, his only one.

And may God whisper to Luhan that Sehun still do.

Sehun still love Luhan in a hundred silent ways.

-.oOo.-

END

-.oOo.-