The restaurant is in a field. Literally in a field. There are paddocks as far as the eye can see, the seats are hay bales. Not exactly super practical, but somehow it works.  Rustic. Small tables with self-powered grills, fresh air, the open country. Cows milling about. 

 KBBQ in a field. That’s a new and novel experience. 

 Seungwan makes eye contact with a cow, slowly chewing grass. She looks down at the sizzling strip of meat on the grill, lightly browning between an oyster mushroom and slice of sweet potato and, unable to eat, looks back up at the cow. 

 "It’s pork," says Yongsun, slowly chewing through a mouthful of meat.

 GUILT ELIMINATED

 Seungwan’s chopsticks quickly assemble the pork and the provided kimchi and lettuce into a compact little bundle before biting into delicious, guilt-free pork. 

 "I mean… not that I don’t appreciate the...adorable locale and charming company, but a field? Seriously?"

 Yongsun focuses on ladling the kimchi soup into her bowl. "Don’t make it obvious, but look behind me, at the hay bale to the right of the cow with three legs."

 Seungwan moves her head slowly, surreptitiously so that she has a clear view of the hay bale. She finds herself looking at...three pairs of eyes that quickly duck behind newspapers. "Did you tip off Dispatch? Am I going to be tomorrow’s dating scandal?"

 Yongsun reaches over and uses her spoon to spoon off a section of cheesy corn. It sounds like nails on chalkboard, but cheesy corn and spoons always sound like that. "My members have been ‘accompanying’ me as ‘chaperones’ on all my ‘dates’ lately, thinking I wouldn’t notice."

 Seungwan reaches over, lifts the corn and tilts it over. Yongsun scrapes the remain kernels into her bowl. "Thanks. They think they’re subtle but their costumes are ridiculous. Last time I was at a ramen bar and they all had wigs and fake facial hair. I’m pretty sure they had the make-up and effects team help out."

"And you thought that you’d have the tactical advantage in an open field full of cows?" Seungwan helps herself to the sole slice of sweet potato. 

 "Well, we’ve got a haywall shield and the best viewpoint, so I think we’re fine. Plus their table has a narrow field of view and they can’t see the faces I’m making, so, win for me."

 Seungwan flicks her eyes to the rest of MAMAMOO. They vanish behind the hay bale wall for a few minutes before re-emerging. There are now eye-shaped cut outs in the newspapers. Three pairs of eyes blink at her from walls of text and Seungwan almost bursts out laughing. "I didn’t think they’d be that gung-ho about chaperoning. Are they terrified I’ll steal you away?"

 "It’s part protectiveness and part possessiveness and really, it’s quite sweet once you get over how bad of a job they’re doing. Could you please pass the soju, it’s on your side."

 Seungwan reaches for the bottle. 

 Ah, it’s Chamisul. Joohyun smiles at her from the bottle and Seungwan freezes. 

 She snaps out of it when slender fingers curl over the label, blocking Joohyun’s smiling face. 

 "Speaking of protectiveness and possessiveness, Joohyun called me this morning," Yongsun says, pouring herself a shot. She looks up, directly into Seungwan’s eyes, gaze suddenly piercing. She tosses the shot back, not breaking eye contact. 

 Seungwan swallows nervously.

 "I couldn’t tell whether it was a 'treat her right' or 'stay away from her' speech. Considering how organised her thoughts usually are, that’s really saying something."

 Seungwan knows on some level that Joohyun and Yongsun are very close friends. Joohyun has mentioned the MAMAMOO leader and their hangouts often. "I’m not too sure what she wants either," she says, fiddling with her shot glass. 

 "Are you sure about what you want?"

 Seungwan thinks back to Jessica. Back to the question that’s been plaguing her ever since it left . Do you like Irene? Why?

 Because in a blurry world of almosts and kind-ofs and maybes, Joohyun is a snapshot of perfect clarity. She’s a realignment, a recalibration and Seungwan wishes that she could just be with Joohyun.

 She’s Seungwan’s lighthouse, her guiding star, and as long as Joohyun is here, she will never be lost at sea.  

 Which, really, isn’t something you can really put into words without sounding like the only reason is that she likes using Joohyun as a measuring stick, or a compass, or a crutch.

 Seungwan remembers another girl, in another time, another life, where she hadn’t been able to articulate her thoughts, hadn’t been able to translate ‘beautiful soul, feeling of home, grass and sunlight and freedom’ into words. 

"Because I’m pretty?" A decade later, Seungwan still remembers the disbelief, the hurt that laced those words.

No. Because you were everything, all at once and apparently my brain is a thesaurus but my mouth never learnt to read. And now you probably think I’m a shallow little idiot that thinks with their eyes. 

 Now, she has more words. But she doesn’t have the words. Because Joohyun contains multitudes and even the infinite configurations of language aren’t able to convey what she feels. 

 I just want her. To spend time with her. Listen to her talk about her day. Help her with laundry. Watch her eyes light up when she sings. But more than we are now. I want us to be more. I’m just not sure how. 

 That is only what she wants now.  In this field with cows and a hotplate.  This is what she’s thinking in response to Yongsun’s question, and that’s been begging to be vocalised since Jessica’s question.  

 It is not all she wants from Joohyun. Because what she wants is to be with Joohyun. But that is a concept that she doesn’t yet understand. A thought that is the idea of a thought. Something blurry and undefined and merely hints at “I want to be with Joohyun.”

 And that is what she needs to determine. The answer she needs to find before returning home. 

 Well, Seungwan is pretty sure Jessica also won’t let her leave until she finds the answer. How’s that for motivation?

 "I think I know what I want. But what I want is what I think I want. It might not actually be what I want. Only what I think I do." Seungwan makes a face. That was not particularly eloquent.  But really, when are feelings put into words anything but.

 (Even with infinite configurations.)

 "Have you tried saying that really fast?"

 "I–" Seungwan’s phone chimes. It’s not set to silent. It’s Joohyun’s chime. Her eyes flicker over to the screen.

 Seungwan-ah. How’ve you been?

 Seungwan swallows and doesn’t touch her phone. She can’t touch her phone. Since everyone in her group has iPhones, the moment she opens the message. that damned 'Read' will appear on Joohyun’s end. She doesn’t think leaving Joohyun seenzoned would be very polite.

 There’s buzzing and Seungwan ignores it. Wait. Her phone isn’t silenced.

 She looks up and Yongsun is typing on her phone, eyebrows at her hairline.

 Seungwan’s phone chimes again.

 I know you saw my message. Yongsun told me.

Seungwan would call her a traitor. If she didn’t know very well it was 'Joohyun’s friend first, Seungwan’s friend-organised date second.'

 "Now was that really necessary."

 Youngson’s eyebrows move back to their natural position, hands still cradling her phone. "She had an abundance of stickers and really, she’s endearingly invested in what you’re doing right now. So I thought I’d help her out."

 Seungwan reaches out slowly, watching as Yongsun’s eyes track her movements. She captures Yongsun’s hands, phone included, between her palms and gently sets them on the table.

 There’s a cut off shriek in the distance and the aggressive rustling of newspaper.

 "I wouldn’t be a very good date if I messaged another girl right in front of you." She ignores the fact that her date also messaged another girl. Right in front of her kimchi salad, too. 

 Her phone chimes yet again.  Krystal’s chime this time. Seungwan subtly side-eyes her phone.

 What’s this about you holding hands with Kim Yongsun? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 Seungwan has absolutely no idea how she knows this.  She lifts a hand off Yongsun’s to reach for her phone. Are you hiding behind a hay bale? How did you even find out?

 I have my sources. So, are you?

 It’s not /that/ type of handholding.

 So what type is it?

 The don’t-message-Joohyun-unnie-that-I’ve-seen-her-message- but-didn’t-reply type.

 Damn, gurl. Goodluck.

 Seungwan’s phone chimes again and this time it is Joohyun.

 Son Seungwan. Yongsun is telling me you’re replying to texts right now. But you’re not replying to me. Who are you messaging instead?! >(

 She looks up and Yongsun’s phone is nowhere in sight. She’s chewing what looks to be a slice of oyster mushroom very, very slowly, without breaking eye contact.

 She messages Joohyun before silencing her phone.  I’ll call you when I get back to Jessica’s, promise. 

 "Once again, was that really necessary?"

 "That’s what you get for messaging another girl right in front of your date."

 "How did you–, oh nevermind."

 "Back to the issue at hand. What you think you want," says Youngsun, still maintaining eye contact.

 "Yea?"

 "The thing is, nobody really knows what they want. They think they do. And when they get what they think they want, they either realise that it’s not what they want, or it is what they want."

 "Okay?"

 "My point, young one, is that sometimes it’s ok to not know exactly what you want. You’ll achieve more clarity once you actively take action. To be extremely cliche, if you never start you’ll never finish. Or in your case, if you spend all your time overthinking and lost in your head, you won’t be able to get the girl."

 Seungwan suddenly feels the need to inhale rapidly. "I mean, do I really need to…go get her?"

 "In order to be together you need 'to-get-her'," says Youngsun, texting with one hand.

 Why is she texting with one hand?

 "Also, the other issue at hand, pun intended, you might want to move your other hand lest you want people to get ideas."

 Seungwan removes her other hand from Yongsun’s so fast it’s probably offensive. 

 "Wow, way to treat a girl." Yongsun pouts, recently-freed hand over her heart.

 "I’m sure you’ll get over it."

 "I will but Joohyun won’t."

 "UNNECESSARY."

A/N: I starting working in 2020 and neglected this fic (and myself). But I'm into self-care! And that includes finishing this! \(O_O)/

Special thanks to my chapter  beta galaxygerbil for giving me the confidence to post again <3