minhyuk loved the feeling of thrill course throughout his body.

hyungwon may not be the perfect person to give that to him.

instead, he gave safety, comfort, a sense of home.

and for minhyuk?

that’s not what he wanted.

 

---

 

0-1-4-3.

lee minhyuk scrunched up his nose as he punched in those numbers on his boyfriend’s keypad door lock. the code minhyuk made was just a cutesy way to annoy his boyfriend, but after a while the latter grew rather fond of it. he heard one long beep before he allowed himself to enter the comfort of hyungwon’s simple, two-story home. the cool air filled the room from the all-around air conditioner of the first floor. after he removed his shoes, he made his way up the stairs two steps at a time to find his boyfriend. he softly knocked on a door to his right before he quietly opened it. he slithered right in and gently closed the door behind him.

he was met with a big, white ball of a comforter in the middle of queen-sized bed. that, and a light snore. he tiptoed towards the lump, a part of it went up and down in a slow rhythm. this time, without any care, he jumped. he threw himself on the bed and wrapped his arms around his big lump. a grunt response he got, followed by a groan. the lump fidgeted for a while and before he knew it, minhyuk was part of the white lump.

 

and now, he was face to face with chae hyungwon.

minhyuk took in the sight of his sleepy boyfriend. brunet locks tussled on a pillow. perfectly defined eyebrows that was a contrast to his button nose. with eyes closed, it accentuated his beautiful, long eyelashes. his signature soft, plump lips that formed a drowsy smile. a jawline sculpted by the gods. a slightly too big, black v-neck permitted minhyuk to see a sharp collarbone and a part of his lean frame. all of this wrapped around a white cloud of warmth.

this was hyungwon. cozy, soft, adorable hyungwon.

but minhyuk wanted an awake hyungwon so that they can start their date.

 

minhyuk placed a hand on the other’s exposed cheek and drummed his fingers against it. the younger squeezed his eyes tighter. a sign of disagreement.

minhyuk scooted closer until their faces were just an inch or two away. he rubbed his nose and even gave playful, short on hyungwon’s nose as another way to wake him up. a soft chuckle rung in minhyuk’s ears. that worked, kind of.

he took it a step further. minhyuk shifted their positions until he was straddling the taller one, the comforter now draped over the older’s shoulders. he wasted no time, bending down to meet his lips with the other’s awaiting ones. minhyuk’s hands eagerly fisted hyungwon’s hair. tight but tender. his mouth was equally enthusiastic on hyungwon’s. short, soft pecks turned into longer, more passionate ones. just as minhyuk was about to slip in tongue into the lip lock, he felt hyungwon lean back. his thin lips now grazed the younger’s chin.

 

“just when it was about to get more fun...” minhyuk trailed off then finished with a pout.

hyungwon chuckled as he adjusted himself so that he leaned against the headboard of his bed frame. “i just woke up, don’t get too excited.”

minhyuk crossed his arms and jutted out his bottom lip more. “that was the point. to wake you up.”

hyungwon brought a hand up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “but this early?”

“early? do you know what time it is?”

“…something o’clock in the morning?”

“it’s 10am, stupid. you’re hopeless.”

“hopelessly in love with you.” hyungwon peeked from under his hand, a cute grin on his lips.

minhyuk visibly cringed as hyungwon laughed. long arms wrapped themselves around the older’s waist.

“hyungwon, we were supposed to go to the amusement park today. get off your and get ready or else we’ll get caught up with the long lines to the rides.”

a forehead plopped on minhyuk’s shoulder. “then why do we need to go if you know there’ll be lines by now? it’ll take us hours before we can do something there.” the younger muffled into minhyuk’s red and black-checkered shirt.

“but we planned this already.” the older whined as he idly played with the younger’s hair.

“we can do something else then, name it.”

“what about the dog park? hyunwoo and jooheon should be there right about now jogging with their dogs. we can try to meet them and then wait for other dogs to come.”

“you’d just leave me by a bench while you play and run around with the dogs.”

hyungwon started to test minhyuk’s patience, and the latter tried not to let any anger slip into his tone. “because you don’t want to play with them even if i ask you.”

the younger just shook his head and hugged his boyfriend tighter. and that just made minhyuk a little more irritated. he really was hopeless.

 

minhyuk had always been the wild child in their relationship. on the earlier parts of their relationship, minhyuk always made hyungwon do crazy, stupid things with him even of some of them were just bad ideas. but it’s okay. he knew that hyungwon put up with his crazy. he was a little crazy himself. minhyuk knew that at the end of the day, hyungwon always attempted to calm him down and made him rest. at times, minhyuk was happy with that. they’d end up fooling around before one has to go home, or when they would just decide to do a sleepover. the entirety of the relationship felt like a push and pull game between them. it was fun, it was different. minhyuk loved it.

but as their relationship lasted longer, the compromises became more annoying for minhyuk. hours spent outside in the sunshine became shorter and shorter. whenever minhyuk suggested going out to do anything that involved a lot of effort, hyungwon would just counter it with something more relaxing, safer. comfortable. boring, minhyuk occasionally thought.

there were a lot of things to do in life, and minhyuk wanted to do them with his boyfriend.

but lately, his exciting plans were now usually reserved for himself. even after his dates with hyungwon—staying in a café, browsing different bookstores, movie marathons, and the like—minhyuk rewarded himself with something like going to a skate park late at night or walking through the loud city to indulge in some good, sinful street food.

sometimes he would tell hyungwon about what he does after their dates. hyungwon didn’t mind it and said that it was okay for him to wander off. it wasn’t much of his thing anyways, which irked minhyuk. even as much as he tried to suggest plans that aren’t even that crazy but still fun and exciting, hyungwon wouldn’t really say yes. kind of like how they are right now.

 

hyungwon pulled back a bit so that he was right in front of minhyuk’s face. “how about we just stay here and order chinese takeout? let’s binge watch one of our favorite series while we’re at it, too.”

minhyuk wanted to smack that soft smile off his face. “but we planned to go out today. do you even remember what fresh air smells like?”

the other just shrugged. “it’s not much of my thing, though.”

there he goes again. and this time, minhyuk had enough.

“sure let’s just do whatever boring thing you wanna do. god forbid the prince should get out of his bed and break a sweat!” he exclaimed, any trace of playfulness was gone from his voice.

that wiped off whatever grin hyungwon had on his face. much to the pleasure of minhyuk.

“minhyuk?”

“yes, your highness?” he answered sarcastically.

“is something wrong?”

minhyuk rolled his eyes. he was about to give a verbal beating to his dense boyfriend. months and months of frustration worth of it. he scrambled off his boyfriend and stood by the side of the bed. their warm, white cloud was flung onto the floor. it was now or never.

“since when did you get this boring, hyungwon?”

a flash of hurt and confusion shone in the younger’s eyes. “what are you talking about?”

“don’t you ever feel trapped inside this house? ‘cause i do. all our dates just happen here. it’s always the same old boring in your house. and during the rare times we do go out, we go to some boring place. i’m surprised that even you can stay up during our dates.”

hyungwon swung his legs to the side and stood from the bed. face to face again with his lover but not an ounce of intimacy was in between. “minhyuk—”

but the older wasn’t done with his tirade. “when we first started dating, we used to do fun, crazy things together. yeah some of them were kinda stupid but at least they were exciting. thrilling. you were exciting and thrilling. that was the hyungwon i fell in love with. what happened to that hyungwon?”

“he’s still here—”

“no he’s not!” minhyuk yelled. his words echoed throughout the younger’s room. “you’re too timid now. you’re too quiet, too. you’re just too boring for me now. i missed it when we would just go out and just have real fun. i missed it when you would take the leap with me in anything we try to do.”

“why didn’t you say anything sooner?” tears were on the brink of falling in hyungwon’s eyes, though his posture showed that he was infuriated. he grabbed minhyuk’s shoulders. the older felt hyungwon’s fingers tremble slightly against his shirt. “we could’ve talked about it better. i could’ve adjusted to you if i knew—”

“that’s not the point, chae hyungwon!” he shoved the other’s away from him. he stepped further away. minhyuk needed the distance.

“then what, lee minhyuk?” hyungwon’s voice matched with minhyuk’s.

“the point is that i don’t feel the rush anymore!”

 

minhyuk’s chest tightened and lightened up at the same time. never in a million years he thought he would’ve said those words out loud. not while he was in a relationship with hyungwon. not while he was right in front of hyungwon.

but life had other plans. it’s too late to take the words back. too late to turn back now.

 

“i don’t feel the rush anymore. the rush between us.” minhyuk whispered slowly, evening out his breath. “i don’t get excited whenever we make plans with each other. i don’t melt under the cheesy words you always tell me, not like before. i don’t feel giddy whenever i realize that i’ll be able to see you within the day. i’m just… so done with this. this feeling where everything’s too comfortable or safe. too much like a home when i have that just a few streets down. i really don’t want that.”

minhyuk swore that he saw hyungwon’s heart almost stop at his words. he knew he was hurting his boyfriend. but the words easily fell from lips.

“wait, minhyuk… what are you…” hyungwon trailed off. his voice cracked as he searched any regret in the other’s eyes.

his heart broke. there were none.

“this isn’t gonna work anymore. i can’t live like this. i’m leaving you, hyungwon.”

“you are so selfish.” hyungwon spat out. not out of anger. out of pity. anything to make minhyuk stay so that they can talk about this more. “you think that walking away will make you happier?”

minhyuk paid no attention to the words. he let them pass by as if he didn’t hear them.

“i want the rush back. but i won’t find it with you.”

“no, please…” hyungwon’s tears flowed freely now. “don’t leave. don’t leave me…”

minhyuk’s heart tugged at the younger’s plea. but he made no move to go closer. instead, he just lowered his eyes to the ground. “i’m not settling for someone who can’t make my heart race anymore.”

with that, he darted out the room. darted down the stairs and to the front door. haphazardly putting on his shoes, minhyuk opened the door and left.

 

behind him he heard the familiar two short beeps, signaling that the door already locked.

minhyuk was now locked out of hyungwon’s home.

out of hyungwon’s life.

 

---

 

it’s been three months since the break up and although minhyuk should feel hurt, he just felt empty. numb even. minhyuk still did his exciting plans but some of them lost its thrill after he kept doing them. he may be young, but he can only think so much on what else he can do. he himself fell in a rut. he made himself feel bored. he needed something new again. someone new.

today, he found himself in the dog park. this plan never bored him, thank god, as almost every time he visited the place, he would find new dogs to spend time with. sadly, none of the owners were cute or interesting enough for him to strike up a conversation with.

minhyuk sat on a bench and readjusted his black cap. he decided to take a break from the dogs, tired from chasing around this rambunctious poodle around the park. the old lady who owned the dog found it cute. a little sad that he was alone, but still cute.

 

“yah, look do we have here.”

minhyuk looked to his left, the voice he heard was unmistakable. he saw kihyun and changkyun walking towards him, a white samoyed in the younger’s arms. the two sat on either side of the blond-haired boy. after making themselves comfortable, changkyun released the dog in his arms. the three watched the fluffy animal run a few feet away as it joined the other dogs of the park.

“can I help you two?”

“shouldn’t we be asking you that?” kihyun quickly retorted. his dark grey-haired boyfriend snickered in agreement.

“what do you mean? i’m perfectly fine.”

“really? ‘cause this is the second time we saw you in this park. today.”

minhyuk glared at kihyun. “it’s sadder that you went to the same place twice for a date.”

“we were just about done with our date. we wanted to check if little sad you were still here.”

“i’m taller than you, changkyun.”

“ you.” the youngest said but smirked nonetheless. the comment didn’t faze him since he was right about minhyuk. still, he wouldn’t pass up a moment to curse at the blond-haired boy.

“you know,” the pink-haired kihyun started. “for someone who seeks adventure and thrill and in life, you spent an awful time in a park full of dogs and just playing with them. and what makes it worse is that none of them are even your dogs!”

“for someone who’s into a younger guy and into said younger guy’s pants, you sure meddle a lot in my life.”

“hey, there are children in this park!”

“shut up, shorty number two.”

“at least i’m not moping about mutual friend-who-shall-not-be-named.” changkyun countered back.

“i’m not moping about hyungw—” minhyuk stopped himself. he never really said his name out loud after the break up. it always left a bad taste whenever he tried.

not that he still cared about him that way.

“listen.” kihyun whispered, putting the conversation back on track with a more serious tone. “you guys are both my friends. and i know you don’t wanna hear about him, but—”

“don’t, yoo kihyun.” minhyuk interrupted. “i’m well aware that i’m still the bad guy from all of this. so i know i pretty much don’t deserve how he’s doing.”

“but he kinda knows what’s happening with you. at least the most basic stuff.” changkyun stated, getting into the serious conversation as well.

“what, why?” he turned his head to the youngest one out of the three of them.

“he’s my best friend. i can’t keep stuff from him. and he always asks at least once whenever we hang out.”

 

minhyuk fell silent at changkyun’s answer. he can’t fathom why hyungw—his ex-boyfriend would still care about what he’s been up to. that’s strange. he pretty much gave him the worst break up ever. why would he care? does he still—

no, that’s impossible. and even if he did, minhyuk wouldn’t care. he’s positive that after all this time, his ex would still be the same: timid, shy, quiet… boring…

he wouldn’t go back to that. to him. he still wouldn’t.

 

minhyuk shook his head and just stared at the open, green field in front of him. “listen, i’m fine, okay? and i don’t need to know everything. or anything at all. if you wanna go help him out, then go. i won’t be mad. just don’t mention him around me, alright?”

kihyun and changkyun side-eyed each other. both pairs of eyes showed the same thing. worry and uncertainty. but minhyuk is a stubborn one. if he said he won’t budge, then he really won’t.

the three of them stayed quiet after that. it wasn’t an uncomfortable one, not for minhyuk, at least.

only after twenty minutes did someone break the silence. changkyun called out to his and kihyun’s samoyed, a sign that the couple was about to go on their way. while the youngest stood up and walked a few feet away from the bench to wait for the dog, kihyun patted minhyuk’s shoulder. minhyuk knew that kihyun was trying to hide the fact that the pat was out of pity. but the blond-haired boy still knew. he appreciated the pink-haired boy’s effort, though. after that, the couple left.

minhyuk sighed once they were out of his view.

 

he chose to leave him. he can’t be the one that’ll regret that what they had was over. minhyuk convinced himself that it wasn’t a mistake. he made the right choice for himself. he didn’t want a life of where everything was safe, comfortable. no. he yearned for a life where he can live as if every day was his last.

so he can’t make that life by himself. he needed to find someone to help him feel alive again.

and soon.

 

---

 

as if minhyuk willed it, hoseok appeared in his life. a whirlwind of muscle and energy that minhyuk resonated with. this, this is what he wanted. a boy with no inhibition, a careless laugh, and is vocal and often lewd about his attraction to minhyuk.

they first met, unsurprisingly, at a club. minhyuk was leaning against the brick wall of the building, away from the smokers and the vomiting customers. hoseok was just a few away from him. he gave minhyuk a head to toe look before he crushed the dying cigarette under his shoe. hoseok sauntered up to him, rested his arm next to minhyuk’s head and winked at the lone boy. minhyuk didn’t like his first impression of hoseok—he smoked for god’s sake. minhyuk might be looking for someone wild and unpredictable, but not when it can possibly kill him by being next to them. the stench of tobacco in his breath was evident even from a mile away. but he was pretty much putty in the hoseok’s hands when he got a clear look of his smile. minhyuk got hooked instantly after that.

dating, minhyuk realized, meant differently for hoseok. one minute they were bar hopping, the next they were crashing a college party. hoseok even took minhyuk running through the streets of a neighborhood as they shouted how much they liked each other. they received a bunch of “i don’t even know you!”, “i don’t give a !”, and “jesus it’s ing 3am!” in doing so. but minhyuk didn’t care. spontaneity. it ran through minhyuk’s veins. every moment with hoseok is a surprise, there was never a dull second with him. ‘quiet’ was not part of his vocabulary.

but after a few months, everything just became noise to minhyuk.

tonight they were at the club where they first met, and hoseok just shoved all kinds of drinks in minhyuk’s hands. they were in the middle of the dance floor, the music was fuzzy in minhyuk’s ears. strangers’ skin stuck to his own while hoseok was grinding him from behind, arms wrapped around his waist. minhyuk felt hoseok’s head lean closer to his, a warm breath right by his ear.

 

“hey. minhyuk.” the black-haired boy slurred. a drunk giggle followed. “let’s continue the fun at my place.”

minhyuk always heard that line. he muttered it under his breath as hoseok’s husky voice filled his mind. with a practiced nod, hoseok took his wrist and left the club.

the walk was a challenge. either one or both would lose balance but they made it without any scratches on them.

hoseok reached for the handle of his apartment’s door. minhyuk counted to three before he heard the familiar bang of wood against the wall. as hoseok pulled the younger into his space, minhyuk latched his mouth onto the other’s neck. as he did every night.

hoseok’s moan echoed throughout the room. he gripped minhyuk’s blond locks tight and pulled him back. nothing but hurried breaths and clumsy smacking of two pairs of lips filled the tense air. hoseok easily lifted minhyuk, his big hands grabbing the latter’s thighs and allowed the legs to circle hoseok’s waist. he decided that tonight it would be the kitchen. minhyuk was placed on a kitchen counter roughly. he tried not to focus on the stinging pain behind his head from hitting the cabinets by tugging on hoseok’s hair. it was thinner than what he was used to. not like hyungwon’s—

 

pause.

he hadn’t thought of that name since he started dating hoseok.

 

minhyuk let out a growl at his sudden thought, but he let it pass. hoseok took it as a sign of encouragement.

the older ravished the other’s mouth. his tongue inspecting each corner of his hot cavern. teeth grazing on minhyuk’s thin lips.

minhyuk tried to hoseok’s black shirt to really get back into the heat of the moment. when he was halfway through, his hands impatiently ran across hoseok’s chest. firm muscles but soft skin. he admired the contrast. he neglected that nagging feeling that he was touching something too big, too smooth.

 

stop it.

 

hoseok finished up his ministrations on minhyuk’s mouth. he trailed down until he arrived at the other’s neck. a canvas he was prepared to paint with blue and purple marks.

minhyuk squeezed his eyes tight. he tried to concentrate on hoseok’s movements. how warm his breath was, how deep his moans are. but his intoxicated mind can’t seem to fully enjoy it. instead, he felt a twinge of guilt. he saw a flash of big, brown eyes and matching dark brown hair behind his eyelids.

 

no, this isn’t wrong.

 

the black-haired boy grabbed the hem of minhyuk’s jeans. fingers grazed the blond-haired’s bulge, to which the younger’s breath hitched.

minhyuk’s mind went in slow motion. maybe it was the alcohol. maybe it’s the way hoseok’s tongue ran along his collarbone. but the blond-haired boy never thought that things could get too much for him. this heat. this pace. it started to catch up on him.

but it didn’t catch up fast enough when hoseok suddenly started to on his skin. his brain went to overdrive. thoughts were really jumbled up that he didn’t stop the next word he moaned out.

“hyungwon…”

 

and everything stilled.

 

minhyuk nervously gulped, his eyes travelled up at the ceiling. hoseok’s ragged breath was the only thing he heard. minhyuk knew he ed up. he ed up bad. he just didn’t want hoseok to realize the up himself.

the older pulled back as a sigh escaped his lips. his hands now on either side of minhyuk’s hips, flat on the marble surface of the counter. minhyuk lowered his gaze to find the other already looking at him. a calculating look in hoseok’s eyes, minhyuk’s shone with guilt.

so it surprised minhyuk when hoseok leaned back in and attacked his mouth as if nothing happened. in his confused state, minhyuk didn’t reciprocate. hoseok lifted minhyuk off the counter, the latter wrapped his arms and legs around the other as a reflex. the next thing minhyuk knew, he was laying on the soft duvet of hoseok’s bed. all minhyuk could do was to kiss back, albeit a little halfheartedly.

 

they ended up not having that night. they made out until the tension from minhyuk’s slip up disappeared. after that, hoseok just laid behind minhyuk. he spooned minhyuk in his embrace before he fell asleep.

minhyuk was aware that they rarely cuddled after they did things at night. when he closed his eyes, he knew that something was very wrong. and he hated the fact that he needed to face it sooner or later.

 

that morning, he dreaded waking up to hoseok’s face. but all he saw was an empty space next to him.

he slowly got out of bed and went into hoseok’s bathroom, an irritating but bearable headache accompanied him. he splashed his face with water as an attempt to clean up. and when he stared at his reflection, he hated what he saw.

 

he didn’t like how his eyes showed how broken he really is.

he despised that he knew his eyes didn’t shine like it did months ago.

what he hated the most was that he can clearly see from his eyes that he’ll never be truly happy being with hoseok.

not like when he is with hyungw—his ex-boyfriend. was with him, before minhyuk made things go to .

he shook his head at these thoughts, drops of water landing on the mirror. months and months of repressed emotions finally resurfaced. it made his headache worse, but he thought that he deserved that. the feeling of regret pinched his heart. the ache was getting stronger by the second to the point that minhyuk clutched his chest.

 

regret. pain. loss.

.

he couldn’t do this anymore.

everything was too wild, too free.

he needed peace of mind. and he can only get it from one person.

he knew he won’t find it with hoseok. he never will.

 

minhyuk trudged down the stairs and searched for hoseok. he found him in the kitchen, drinking from a water bottle. the blond-haired boy hesitated before stepping inside. his eyes quickly found a water bottle and a pill on the counter. nevermind that he remembered what happened on that specific counter last night. he walked towards those first, his back faced the other boy in the room. he popped the pill in his mouth and took three gulps of water. minhyuk tried to steady his breath before deciding to talk to the other. but hoseok beat him to it.

 

“minhyuk.” he called out. voice deeper than usual from just waking up, minhyuk noticed.

“yeah?”

“do you wanna eat ramen for breakfast? i know a place just a few blocks down.”

the corner of minhyuk’s mouth turned up slightly. he was trying to make him feel better. even though he didn’t deserve it after last night. it was also cute the way he suggested ramen for breakfast, only from the weird and wild hoseok. he his lips before speaking. “i don’t think that’s a good idea. i also think that… maybe we’re not a good idea, either.”

when minhyuk turned around, a small yet understanding smile was on hoseok’s lips. an apology in his eyes as well.

“it’s fine.”

the younger knew that the other wasn’t just talking about breakfast. not just about last night, either. it’s not even just the fact that they were breaking up, too. it clicked in minhyuk’s mind that hoseok knew he wasn’t and couldn’t fully be into them. he always did.

in all honesty, minhyuk didn’t regret dating hoseok. he regretted letting the wild ride last this long. hoseok was a good guy. he didn’t deserve how minhyuk led him on.

 

minhyuk ed over two guys. two relationships that didn’t even last a full year.

maybe he deserved to just grow old and die alone.

 

minhyuk went home and took an actual shower. he reeked of alcohol and sadness, more of the latter, he believed. he put on comfortable white shirt and grey sweatpants. he then proceeded to flop face first on his own bed, a miserable groan muffled against his light blue bed sheets. his life is such a mess, and he cursed himself for realizing that after he broke two hearts.

idiot, . some choice words for minhyuk to describe himself.

there’s one that really hurt the most. coward.

god he needed some help right now. he felt so lost in everything and anything he put his mind on. anxiety slowly crippled his thoughts.

minhyuk realized that he left the one person he only really loved because he was afraid that things got too boring with him. too comfortable to the point that he’d just be settling.

he was wrong, oh so wrong.

 

after he threw a mini-tantrum on his bed—banged his feet and fists childishly on the mattress—minhyuk rolled over onto his back. a puff of air from his lips to blow away his long, blond bangs. he needed to get out of this funk. out of this house. the silence forced him to listen to his own thoughts. that’s anything but helpful. this house… this home doesn’t feel like a home. he couldn’t relax, he couldn’t breathe. he couldn’t feel comfortable or safe.

not like when he was in hyungwon’s home.

not like when he was with hyungwon.

 

hyungwon. hyungwon. hyungwon.

it felt good to think about his name again.

“hyungwon.” minhyuk smiled softly.

it felt amazing to say it out loud again.

it would be ten times more wonderful if he could see him again.

but minhyuk frowned at that thought. would hyungwon even let him back in his home? let alone his life in general?

 

minhyuk started to feel another headache come on. like he said, hearing his thoughts clearly just pained him. he bounced off his bed and went to his front door. he needed to get out of his hell hole. after he sought out his favorite running sneakers, navy blue windbreaker, and red cap, he went out to jog around for a bit.

the initial breeze of chilly late afternoon breeze made minhyuk slightly shiver. as he ran down the street, his mind wandered back to hyungwon. chae hyungwon. he completely regretted asking kihyun to never update him about his ex-boyfriend. did he gain weight? did he change his hair color? did he have bags under his eyes? did he ever miss him?

minhyuk pursed his lips. why would hyungwon miss him in the first place? he highly doubted that the younger would ever want to see him again… but what if minhyuk tried? what if minhyuk contacted hyungwon after he disappeared from his life? that seemed like the farthest from a good idea. but what if…

minhyuk internally groaned as he rounded a corner. he found that deciding between conflicting thoughts was not his forte. but he continued wondering anyways. if he didn’t go and contact hyungwon, that means he’d just be permanently leaving that past forever. he would never know what hyungwon could’ve said on the day of their break up. he’d never know if they still have a chance. a chance of peace. of loving again, in fact. but also, if he did contact hyungwon, he might up their already estranged relationship—friendship? did they even still a thing between them—even more. if he tried to patch things up with his ex-boyfriend, will the latter even give him another chance? if minhyuk couldn’t listen to hyungwon back then, how could he expect hyungwon to listen to him after all this time?

this run didn’t help his thoughts at all. he stopped his jog to catch his breath for a bit. what he needed was a sign on what he should do.

a huge ing sign that he can’t miss—

 

oh.

 

minhyuk’s eyes grew big as he looked around. such a familiar setting. he shifted closer to the building to his left side and stopped.

hyungwon’s home.

he subconsciously brought himself back here.

this was a big sign. and yet minhyuk was still terrified as .

 

he his dry lips. wiped his sweaty hands on his sweatpants.

guess this was now or never.

with slow steps, minhyuk approached the front door of the house. he reached out to the keypad door lock. with quivering fingers, he started to enter the code he knew by heart.

 

0

minhyuk jumped a little when he pressed the number firmly. his heart was beating so hard against his chest. he felt himself blink unevenly at a fast pace. a habit he did when he was incredibly nervous.

 

1

this was stupid. this was a mistake. hyungwon could’ve changed the password the moment they broke up. what are the odds that the code will stay the same—

the blond-haired boy shook his head. no. he had to try. he would never forget himself if he didn’t.

 

4

okay. one number left.

minhyuk coughed a bit as he placed his finger on the last number of the code. he was aware how he was taking quick breaths under his nose. the beating of his heart now rang through his ears. he can’t do this. not when he’s unravelling right on the spot. he could always come back when he felt better. when he actually knew what he can say to him. he can run away now. run away and pretend this didn’t happen today—

 

“it’s still the same.”

 

minhyuk froze. his whole arm went stiff. he’s here. he’s just a few feet away. the older slowly turned his upper body around. but his arm stayed where it was.

there stood hyungwon. tall, charming hyungwon.

but he looked more of a sleep-deprived, stressed hyungwon.

minhyuk observed his former lover, dressed in a thick, maroon sweater, jeans, white rubber shoes, and a white scarf draped over his shoulders. he noted that the younger did change his hair, his brunet locks became a lighter shade of brown. almost like honey. his dark brown eyes looked dull as he stared at something to the side. and, minhyuk didn’t even think this was possible, but the other looked a little thinner, too. he could tell from the way his cheeks were not as full like before.

but god. he was still the beautiful hyungwon he loved. the beautiful hyungwon he broke.

 

“the code. it’s still the same.” hyungwon repeated.  an even monotone in his voice.

minhyuk realized that he never said anything after hyungwon spoke to him. he also wondered how long he stood there. or if he was just as surprised to see him here. but minhyuk didn’t think too much of it as he slightly relaxed from the other’s calm tone. at least he was screaming at him.

turning back around, minhyuk punched in the final number.

 

3

minhyuk let the long beep finish before he opened the door. but he dared not to take a step. he heard a sigh from behind him, followed by a series of steps.

 

minhyuk felt a ton of bricks plummet down to his stomach when hyungwon passed him. the younger’s shoulder coldly brushed against the older’s before he stepped inside his abode. minhyuk closed his eyes tight as he braced for a loud bang. for hyungwon to rightfully slam the door in his face. but after a few seconds, it never came. minhyuk opened one eye to see hyungwon standing inside. he held the door open for him. he was letting him in. minhyuk wanted to smile so wide at that point, except he realized that hyungwon barely made eye contact with him. his spirits deflated a bit, but that didn’t stop him from entering.

both boys awkwardly removed their shoes next to each other. minhyuk was internally cringing at how tense the air was between the two of them. but he bared with it. he made it this far, he won’t back down now.

minhyuk opened his mouth to say something but hyungwon once again just walked ahead of him and went straight to his living room. minhyuk quickly followed. through the awkwardness of the situation, minhyuk already felt a tad bit better now that he was in hyungwon’s presence again.

minhyuk sat on one end of the couch. hyungwon was seated on the opposite end. one of his long legs folded beneath him so that he was slightly facing the older of the two. he lifted his arm and let it rest on the back rest while his cheek was supported by his hand as he stared at minhyuk. the older tried to match the gaze, hands interlocked on top of his lap.

 

no one said anything. they stayed like that for a few minutes. but it felt like hours for the blond-haired boy.

minhyuk knew should be the one to say something first. he was the one who went here.

but despite his talkative disposition, he didn’t know how to start a conversation. what was he supposed to say? what can he say that won’t make hyungwon regret letting him in? he bit his lip hard. say something, you fool.

 

“what are you doing here?” hyungwon’s tone was aloof. minhyuk deserved that.

“i…” the older trailed off. this wasn’t him. he was never speechless. never at a loss for words.

hyungwon raised an eyebrow at the response. minhyuk deserved the cold gesture, too.

“i… went on a run. just ‘cause.” words. meaningless and stupid, but at least they were still words.

“i see.”

“so, uh, how are you?”

“just fine. not that you would really care.” another jab landed on minhyuk’s heart.

“i do, really.”

“that’s not what i got from you when you broke up with me.”

the guilt inside ate him alive. and what hurt minhyuk more was that hyungwon didn’t even look mad or annoyed. he looked… bored. like he was so done with minhyuk.

“listen, hyungwon—”

“why should i listen to you? this is my house. you should listen to what i have to say.”

minhyuk was taken aback at the other’s harsh words. but he said nothing. he accepted them without a fight.

“better yet, how ‘bout i don’t tell you anything? i don’t wanna give you the satisfaction of knowing how i really feel. how i really feel about you.”

each word became more painful as hyungwon spoke. he was a gentle soul. he always was. he was never this mean. this cruel. was this minhyuk’s fault, too?

“hyungwon, please, i…” he whimpered out.

minhyuk saw the instant change of emotions in hyungwon’s eyes.

 

hyungwon snapped. he stood up and stared down at minhyuk with fire in his eyes.

 

“you, you, you! it’s always about you! boo ing hoo, lee minhyuk. i wish you saw how ing broken i was after you left. how every night i would cry myself to sleep because of how much of a failure i was of a boyfriend to you. sometimes changkyun literally had to drag me out of bed just so i could eat and shower. god minhyuk i’m so angry at you. i’m livid. i thought i was fine already but clearly i’m not when i’m still this annoyed at you!”

minhyuk stood up as well. ready to calm down hyungwon this time. just like what hyungwon did after their dates when they were together. his hand was already reaching out to the younger. but the brown-haired boy just swatted it away.

“no, don’t you dare!” hyungwon cried out. “you think this is okay? for you to just walk back into my life and pretend that you didn’t break my heart into a million pieces that day? well it’s not! i ing hate this. you really are selfish, minhyuk! and you know what i ing hate the most? how lost i still feel. so lost and dead since you left me that day. how ed up is that, huh? you broke my heart and it still feels like i can’t live life without you in it!”

minhyuk wiped the tears that ran down his cheeks with the back of his hand. he hated himself more now. how did he ever live his days normally when hyungwon suffered this much? this is unfair. he needed to fix this. he needed to help hyungwon. his heart couldn’t handle a miserable hyungwon anymore.

the older slowly stepped towards the younger. he saw all the anger and frustration leave hyungwon’s body. what was left was a lost, sobbing boy. a broken boy. minhyuk understood that hyungwon needed that outlet. he needed to scream at minhyuk. from that, he let hyungwon find some peace for his heart. and for minhyuk, that was peace for him, too.

minhyuk gathered the tall boy in his arms. he carefully guided the younger’s head to rest on his shoulder. cradled it delicately, lovingly with his hand. minhyuk’s sleeve was immediately soaked with tears. hyungwon’s body was shaking in his embrace. the older’s other arm hugged the taller’s waist in a comforting way. he let hyungwon cry on his shoulder for quite a while. he patiently waited. minhyuk owed him that.

when all he heard were occasional sniffles, minhyuk let out a shaky breath. it was tough and heart breaking to have hyungwon like this in his arms. but at the same time, he felt a sense of familiarity. hugging the younger boy again felt incredibly warm and familiar. it helped minhyuk’s heart be put to ease. even for just a bit. minhyuk pulled back a bit and quickly placed his forehead on hyungwon’s. hands placed delicately on the taller’s waist. hyungwon kept his eyes down, silent hiccups escaping his mouth every now and then. there were more unspoken words that needed to be said. when minhyuk felt hyungwon breathe a little more evenly, minhyuk prepared himself to speak. he needed to be strong now. for hyungwon. no more bull fear.

 

a beat passed. a nervous gulp.

another beat. a sharp inhale.

one final beat.

 

“i don’t feel the rush anymore.” minhyuk started, the other boy going stiff in his arms at the familiar words didn’t go unnoticed. but the older continued.

“i don’t get the butterflies in my stomach, nor do i get weak in the knees. all the things i said to you before were true. am i sorry? of ing course i am. but did i regret saying them? hell no.”

 

minhyuk paused and quickly freed one of his hands from the taller one’s waist, only to catch a falling tear from the other’s soft cheek. his hand stayed, caressing his beloved’s cheek with a feather’s touch. he felt hyungwon tremble underneath his thumb but stayed put nonetheless. that gave minhyuk a twinge of hope that maybe, just maybe, hyungwon is still hoping, too.

“but you should know that it doesn’t matter anymore. the rush. i can get that from doing anything. but this? us?” he fully wrapped his arm around the younger, pulling him closer than imaginable. “i can’t find anywhere else. i can’t feel from anyone else. this comfort, this security, this stability.”

 

hyungwon has yet to move. minhyuk gave him the chance to. when fear was settling in the older’s heart, the other slowly wrapped his long arms around minhyuk’s waist. his hands intertwined at minhyuk’s lower back. it was a loose grip, but minhyuk still reveled that familiar feeling of safety in the brown-haired boy’s arms.

minhyuk’s other hand travelled from hyungwon’s waist to his nape. he cupped it gently, his fingertips passing through the light brown tresses of the boy in front of him.

“this. this is special to me, hyungwon. right here in your arms, before your very eyes. my breath mixing in with yours. your nose bumping the top of mine. all of this is familiar, it’s safe. i feel safe. i’d rather have this that above all else. i’m just… so sorry for hurting you.”

“minhyuk.” hyungwon breathed out. barely a whisper but the other heard him as clear as day. “i—”

 

minhyuk didn’t let hyungwon finish as his lips descended on the other’s plump ones. there was no hint of hurry in the kiss, just mere soft pecks but minhyuk didn’t let his lips leave hyungwon’s. each kiss was sweet, pure, innocent. much like the boy he was deeply, irrevocably in love with. minhyuk felt warmth spread throughout his body as the taller fully embraced him. minhyuk, in turn, tilted his head slightly to kiss hyungwon a little deeper, but still at a gentle pace.

minhyuk couldn’t believe how he was able to give this up. to give hyungwon up for senseless reasons. everything that he could ever need he can find in hyungwon, and for him, it was enough. more than enough.

hyungwon was the first to pull away but minhyuk spoke first, resting his forehead again on his lover’s. “you’re my home, chae hyungwon.”

and for the first time since they saw each other today, hyungwon smiled. “and you are mine, lee minhyuk.”

 

they spent the night sprawled on the couch. hyungwon slept while sitting on the corner, minhyuk right on top of former’s lap as the latter’s legs were stretched on the other side of the couch. both their heads supporting each other, arms tangled around the other’s torso. and when minhyuk opened his eyes in the morning, he saw the familiar, striking jawline of hyungwon’s. he slightly lifted his head to place a small kiss on it before snuggling back into his lover’s embrace. he closed his eyes once more, planning to sleep for another fifteen minutes or so before he attempts to wake up hyungwon.

they both still have a lot to talk about. he knew an ‘i’m sorry’ wasn’t enough for hyungwon. he deserved everything and more. but this moment was too good to pass up, so minhyuk decided to stay in it for a little bit longer.

 

---

 

minhyuk liked the feeling of thrill course throughout his body.

hyungwon may not be the perfect person to give that to him.

instead, he gave safety, comfort, a sense of home.

and for minhyuk?

that’s exactly what he needed.