Elle was very sure about a few things, such as that friendship is something temporary, as well as romantic relationships and true trust is nowhere to be found. Of course she had her own reasons for believing these twisted things, but nothing in her life had helped with changing her mind.

 

And for love, especially for someone like herself, she believed have too many problems for it to even be on the table. How could someone accept her? How could she put all of her emotional baggage onto someone and not feel bad about it?

 

These were just a few things that floated through her mind often.

 

She have barely had any friends growing up because of this as well, it was an ongoing struggle. The more people she started to get to know, she started pushing them away, it was an ongoing struggle.

 

She didn’t expect university to be any different.

 

This one university in particular was great for her, in this one dorms were optional. So she could commute from home, and she didn’t have to create any friendships with anyone. She could just do her time at school, and then escape back to her safe space.

 

She did alright in high school, grade-wise she probably did well enough to go to some prestige university off across the world. However, because of her own personal struggles, she chose to stay closer to home.

 

No room to grow, only room to fall further back.

 

She was reviewing all of this in her head as she usually does as she walked into class on her first day.

 

There were empty seats, however there were none that weren’t sparsely taken for the sake of not being nearby a stranger.

 

So she would have to settle to sit next to someone. “Great” she thought.

 

Social anxiety already settling in, Elle decided to go towards the back, not the last row of course, she wouldn’t want to stand out in that matter. However, 3 rows from the back seemed like a definite bet.

 

There, she saw a young man sleeping in his arms on the table, not one to wake him or create conversation, she simply sat down.

 

Since she was at the end of the table, where an oh-so convenient window was placed, it was easy to decide to ease her mind by watching the nature and beautiful scenery outside. She watched as the birds walked along finding their morning food for their children. Thinking how easy life could be if she was in their shoes instead.

 

These are the moments where she found the most ease and relaxation, no words or interactions to clutter the mind, just the earth beautifully flowing back and forth on a random groggy and dew-filled morning such as this one.

 

The wonderland of dissociation and symphony was rudely interrupted by a loud booming snore coming from the boy next to her.

 

This violently snapped her back into reality. A second snore deeply crept from his lips. She groaned lightly, all she wanted to calm herself down in the landscape with no annoyances, but with every timely paced snore she felt her anger grow deeper inside herself like a knotted ball in her stomach.

 

After around 15 snores (all of them placed 10 seconds apart, to her counting.) the professor walked in. Thank god she thought. However, even though the dirty looks from the teacher beamed at him, the boy continued to pace along with his mind rupturing noises.

 

It continued this way for a long time, long enough that Elle found herself almost at the verge of tears from this altercation. It wasn’t even that big of deal!! She tried to rationalize herself. There's no way she could have hated this guy just because he fell asleep.

 

However around 5 minutes before the class had ended, the man next to her finally woke up. Elle were far gone at this point, with two headphones placed peacefully in her ears, she could care less about the lecture at this point, she just wanted her own sanity. What better way to achieve that than to drown out all noise around her?

 

She had started to close her eyes as well at this point, finally meeting the same peace that she had achieved an hour earlier. However, she was rudely awakened from her wonderland once more by the same source of nuisance. This time, it came as a tap on the shoulder that drifted her head towards the person next to her.

 

Only this time, he was awake. He was staring at her, with a goofy smile that had way too many teeth showing. She almost found it a bit creepy. He was saying something to her, she could only make out his mouth moving because of her new-found deafness. Oh god, wait he’s actually talking to me? Suddenly her anxiety shot up to the heavens.

 

Both the students and the professor had long gone shuffled out of the room at this point. They two were the only ones left, she cursed herself for not leaving sooner.

 

She carefully pulled out one of her headphones, sighing and trying to swallow down some of her new-found worries.

 

At this point she got a better look at him. His ruffled down fluffy hair, poofing out in every direction because of his awkward nap he had for the past hour. His hair led down past his eyebrows but not far enough to pass his eyes, acting as almost a helmet over them. his eyes were very dark and round, She wondered in a slight intrusive thought, what they would look like if they weren’t shielded by his mophead.

 

All of this was happening and Elle found herself mindlessly staring at him. Not good, oh god wait, what was he saying?

 

“WOW, I love this type of music!!”  He kept saying to her with that same smile. “Do you really enjoy the ? I find their sound so calming.”

 

It took her a moment to register what he was talking about, suddenly realizing that her Ipod had been on the table this whole time as she was dozing off. He must have snooped onto it… That little bastard. she thought.

 

“Uh… yeah they’re pretty alright.” she choked out, trying not to show the sudden spike of anxiety in .

 

This was always the root of her problem, over thinking and thinking again and again. Elle found it easier to just go without talking or doing anything too extravagant for her mental state. This included new friendships, boys, school, even just idle conversation, etc. etc.

 

“Do you listen to this type of music a lot?” He went on, “Oh by the way I’m Chan!!” He said with his voice cracking, in what seemed to be all in one breath. How can one person be so excited to say what's on their mind all at once?

 

“I guess... “ She let out sheepishly. Giving herself a small leap of faith Elle went on  “Yeah.. I love this kind of stuff.” Elle said with a shy smile, while nodding.

 

Though at this point, she was trying to avoid eye contact completely, Elle kept her eyes glued to his shoes. Even while sitting he was still much taller than her, so this was quite easy. Elle could easily shape him out to be 6’0, even 6’1. Too much neck exercise looking up for a shorty like her.

 

Elle could see that he was unbothered by her shyness, as he continued on.

 

“Awesome!! I also love them a lot. Have you seen their live performances in Albuquerque? That was insane right?? Though I love them, I also have a lot of love for The Cure and…”

 

Why is he still talking to me? She kept asking herself, though she knew she was to blame for responding instead of just ignoring someone like she usually does. However, hearing his deep voice suddenly squeal about random bands was very entertaining to say the least.

 

Without realizing it Elle let out a half grin at one of his squeals when be brought up a fourth band.

 

With that grin, his smile also grew.

 

He took her Ipod from the cord without asking and started scrolling through it. “Wow you have a lot of great stuff on here…” He said, his wide eyes glued to the screen.

 

He smirked at her and ever so casually said “What's your name? We should go hang out after this! Is this your last class of the day?”

 

Eller face dropped as this interaction had gone from bad to worse. How could he know that I’m not some psycho killer? She thought. You shouldn’t just ask random people out for food after the first small interaction. This guy had to be out of his mind.

 

“I-I actually have a lot of things to do at home so I think I will uh… be going home for the day after this…” She croaked out in small voice yet again.

 

He let out a deep laugh that seemed as if it filled the whole room. “It’s only 9am! The day is still very early!! We could go get breakfast or something, I’m starving.” He groaned. “Plus, you never told me your name, kiddo.” He said with a wink.

 

Ugh. Kiddo?? She inwardly cringed. Sure she looked a lot younger and shorter than most of the people here, however calling someone a kid was sure going to the extreme.

 

However, he was right about one thing. This was her only class for the day, Elle was unfortunately scheduled to have one class at 8am on a Tuesday morning. Which was her own fault for not being able to call her counselor about changing it.

 

She opened to say something, but found herself choking back yet again. His eyes staring straight at her, she began to sweat in fear.

 

“Well if you’re not going to tell me your name I’ll have to make one up for you… Shrimpy.”

 

She turned bright red at his nickname notion. Was he unable to see how uncomfortable she was? She kept cursing herself inwardly for staying to talk to him in the first place.

 

“So are we going to go get food, Shrimpy?” He then went on with a teasing grin.

 

With a smirk, he swiftly stood up, still holding her Ipod. Elle immediately stood up after him, shocked that he had taken hostage of her favorite item.

 

“If you don’t come with me to get pancakes I might starve!!” He said teasingly, now holding the musical device above her head.

 

With every jump to try and grab it, he pulled it up higher, as he kept giving out small chuckles.

 

She felt her anxieties grow with her anger, and a small sadness growing inside of her as well. She just wanted to go home, she never asked for any of this to happen.

 

“H-hey, could Elle give me that back?” She said, choking down again. This time, with slight tears forming in the corners of her eyes. This was way too much for her to deal with, especially on the very first day.
 

The taunting continued for a few minutes as she started to reach her breaking point. She could feel herself wearing down and with one swift bit of rage she screamed at the top of her lungs:

 

“GIVE IT BACK!!!”

 

Without even realizing her actions, she pushed him back, as if it was against her will. Her arms were just at the exact height where his stomach was in front of her, so this was an easy shot. His large body fell to the ground creating a large crashing noise.

 

Her scream plus the action of him falling had been way louder and more disruptive than she intended. People in the halls were passing by and staring at this point. This creating a notion in her mind that she should keep quiet from here on out.

 

Suddenly realizing what she had done, she dropped down to the floor to make sure he was alright. She saw his leg bleeding a little bit from the side, and with that she covered . She was going to be sick.

 

“I’m so sorry” she whispered to him slowly.

 

At this point, she was sobbing onto him, giving no personal space. This was her worst habit, she couldn't stop the breakdowns from happening when things took a turn for the worse. She was oh so childish in this aspect and that's why she hated herself.

 

She swiftly got up, while covering her face. She turned to see him one last time before running out of the classroom for dear life. His face was a mix of shock and coldness, something she didn’t expect. She grabbed her things and ran out of the school, telling herself that she would certainly never come back.

 

As she got into her car she kept replaying the scenario that had just happened over and over in her head. She couldn't stop hyperventilating. Usually when she was full blown into a panic attack like this she would go into the bathroom and try and work it out herself in a stall. However, the car would have to do for now.

 

She tried to hook up some music to the auxiliary cord in her car to try and calm her down, however when reached down into her pocket, she realized she had left her precious Ipod back in the classroom, along with her shame.