CHAPTER 4: Sungjin

What is love?

It's such a big question for me.

Have you ever fall in love?

Is it always followed by a heart break?

I guess I've just experienced it.

My first love. My first heartbreak.

Let me tell you my story.

Kim Jieun.

She's my first love.

The first time I saw her was when my best friend Wonpil invited me to see his piano recital. He told me that he will play a duet with a girl, and I was kinda anticipating what it would be. I never thought the girl he mentioned earlier could take me into her spell. She was really beautiful. I was like hypnotized by her beauty. Moreover how she played the piano, it was so emotional. That was the best, the most beautiful piano recital I ever seen.

So after the play, I asked Wonpil who his partner in the piano duet was and he told me that her name is Jieun. That day, her name was tattooed in my mind. But when I asked Wonpil to introduce me to her, he slightly refused. I didn't know, maybe he has some kind of feeling too toward her. I wasn't surprised. That girl was really a heart-stealer.

So I toned my feeling down. Ah, maybe it's just a simple admiration, I thought. But somehow universe really wanted to play with me. Without me knowing, I went to the same high school with her. She was screaming when seeing Wonpil at the corridor, saying that she really happy to be in the same school with him. Little did she know that I was beyond happy to be in the same school with her.

Although being in the same school, we weren't being classmates at our first year. I could only look at her from afar, like how she walked bouncingly to the cafeteria, or how she studied silently at the library. Sometimes I deliberately walked pass her class, just to see how she talked with her group of friends excitingly.

I like her in silent. There was no urge for me to tell her my feeling. Maybe that was also because she's a popular girl. I kind of feel unconfident to compete with the other guys. I didn't feel worth for someone so special like her. But Wonpil told me that it shouldn't be me who judged who's being worth to be with Jieun but Jieun herself.

Then he helped me to pick the gift I better give for Jieun's birthday. These times I thought he also likes Jieun, so I like her in silent. But seeing him helping me sincerely somehow telling me that he dislikes me getting closer to Jieun back then maybe because it happened so suddenly. But now everything was different. So I guess I should make my move.

As Wonpil suggestions, I made a keychain for Jieun. I placed it into a small box and left it on Jieun's desk in the next morning. My gift looked so small compare to other gifts on her desk, so I didn't have much expectations. But turned out she liked my gift more than the other gifts and it made me happy. Happiness is as simple as you were smiling to see your crush liking your gift, even though she didn't know who gives it. Wonpil called me stupid for not telling her that it was from me. But I wasn't ready. For me it was easier to be a secret admirer than coming forward and being bold about my feeling. Because every time she looked at me in the eyes I was stunned, like I couldn't move, no, I couldn't even breathe properly. So imagined, what would I be if she knows about my feeling?

So I continued to like her in silence for the rest of our first year. Never had I expected, that we would be classmates in our second year of high school.

As I read her name on the board of class division, I was screaming inside. Impossible!

But Wonpil convinced me that yes, indeed, Jieun and I become classmates.

I was nervous for no reason for my first day in second year. Is it really happening? Am I destined to be with her? I felt like a fool back then. But really, love turns someone into a fool. I became one of them.

Turn out nothing much changed after we become classmates. I'm just her regular friend. Moreover there was someone coming in my love line with Jieun. His name is Park Jaehyung. He is a transfer student who's turn out being Jieun's childhood friend.

They become close quickly, like really really close until they didn't mind skinship. I never saw Jieun could be that close to other guy than Jae and somehow it burnt me. I was jealous.

But it wasn't long before then I realized that Jae could bring smile to Jieun. Everytime she talked with Jae, Jieun will laugh happily and it made me happy too. Is it what called a platonic love? Do I really feel enough with just seeing her happy?

But Wonpil told me, "Don’t be selfless, but also don’t be selfish. If you love her sincerely, let her know that in this world she means something to others, to you to be specific."

Somehow his words changed my mind. Wonpil, for the umpteenth times, helped me to overcome my doubt and insecurity. Indirectly he helped me to get closer to Jieun.

So that day, when Wonpil and I went home after having tutor and accidentally meeting Jieun in the bus, I confessed to her. At first I wasn’t even aware that Jieun was on a same bus with us. Wonpil was the one who told me that Jieun was sitting a few chairs in front of us. Her existence brought smile to me. I couldn't stop watching Jieun, even though I could only see her back. Until then, I realized that someone was pressing the bell and slowly the bus stopped. Not long before, I saw Jieun walking toward the exit door of the bus.

She was a little surprised to see Wonpil and I, as if she didn’t realize that we were in the same bus with her. "Oh? You guys also on this bus? "

Wonpil and I nodded.

"Okay then, I got off earlier.." She said good-bye to us before she got off the bus.

I couldn't help my eyes but to keep following Jieun until she comes down and disappears from view. After that I felt something like 'this is the time'. This is the perfect time to tell her my feeling.

Spontaneously, I rang the bell and said to Wonpil, "Wonpil ah, I got o