CHAPTER 1: Dowoon

(Dowoon point of view)

Knock knock.

“Dowoon ah, let’s have breakfast..”

I hear Jieun’s calling me behind that door, my room’s door, the door of the solitaire place that she never enter, that I never let her enter.

I brush my hair shortly, take my bag, and goes out the room. I join them in the dining room to have breakfast. Them means my dad, Jieun, and Jieun’s mom.

I sit on my seat across Jieun’s mom and start to take a slice of the bread. Like it was automatic, Jieun’s mom hands me a jar of the chocolate jam. “Here..” She give it while smiling.

I only take it without smiling back. No need.

But she’s not giving up. She even tells me, “I bought you a chocolate milk, Dowoon ah. I know you really like chocolate.”

So, what?

I reply it in my mind, but in reality I just silent.

With that, dad start to nag me again. “Yoon Dowoon, where is your manner? Mom is talking to you, why don’t you reply?”

Mom? I chuckle. But I manage to reply, “You shouldn’t talk when you’re eating. That’s the manner you taught me, dad. Don’t you forget?”

“Hish, this rascal!” Dad has already making a move to hit me, but Jieun’s mom is fast enough to prevent it.

She holds dad’s hand while saying, “Just let him, yeobo..”

Like she gave him spell, Jieun’s mom has successfully calm dad. And I hate it. I hate that she can replace my mom this well.

Can’t seeing that view any longer, I stop eating and say, “I’ll go to school. Bye.”

“Yaaa Yoon Dowoon!” Dad start to call me and soon followed by Jieun’s mom. “Dowoon ah..”

I ignore it and continue to walk to the door, but then someone stops me.

Jieun holds my hand and make me turn. “Here, take it.” She hands me a bottle of chocolate milk her mom mentioned earlier. “You need some energy. We’ll have PE class today.”

I look up and see her, it looks so sincere, like she was really worry about me.

I hate it.

I hate the fact that I can’t refuse it. I hate the fact that she’s just successfully calming me like her mom did to my dad.

I take the milk and goes away, leaving her standing alone.

Her name is Kim Jieun.

Well, maybe it’s Yoon Jieun now, since she becomes my step sister.

My dad married her mom 6 months ago.  Something really unexpected because it’s not even a year since his divorce with my mom. My mom is a workaholic who has temperament as bad as my dad, so they often having fights. I knew that someday they would decide to separate, but I didn’t realize that it would feel this bad. Moreover when I found out that’s not the only reason he divorce my mom. Jieun’s mom maybe the trigger of it.

I used to take my dad’s side on my parents fight saga. Just like my dad, I also felt disappointed at mom for not taking care the family well, for abandoning her ultimate job as a wife and a mother. So I agreed to live with my dad. But then few months later I felt like I have made a wrong decision.

He planned it. He planned to leave mom just to marry another woman. Geez.

Maybe dad found something he didn’t find in my mom on her, whatever, I just feel betrayed. Betrayed by my own assumptions on dad.

He’s not a good man.

He’s selfish.

He only thinks about himself, his own happiness, without noticing about me, about my happiness.

He took my happiness in a blink of an eye, in a particular way I never imagined.

He took Jieun away from me.

Kim Jieun, my schoolmate.

I liked her.

I’m not sure when does it start, is it since the school festival at our 1st year? Yeah, maybe.

Every classes needed to send their representative to perform on stage. Alongside my band-mate, I became the representative of my class. While waiting for our time to go on stage, we enjoyed other classes’ performances. Solo singing, dancing in group, or being a band like us, there was nothing special on their performance. Boring, I thought. But then there was a girl who goes on stage, a pretty one, sitting behind the keyboard instrument and started to play the melody. I didn’t know what song is that, but it sounded... sad.

Moreover when she started to sing.

#BGM: Boys II Men & Mariah Carey – One Sweet Day.

Sorry I never told you

All I wanted to say

With only two sentences, it successfully jab my heart.

I suddenly remember my mom.

And now it’s too late to hold you

Cause you’ve flown away

So far away

I remember the night my mom walked away from home. That night when I wanted to hold her hand, but I couldn’t. I could only see her slowly disappearing from my sight.

Never had I imagined

Living without your smile

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