Lee Seungri

I never knew that it would turn this way.

But all I knew, I wouldn’t choose any other way if it’s not you at the last.

Only when they said we’re at the peak of our career and keep rising to the top, we beg to differ.

But it’s not wrongt all, the peak.

Every songs that our group released kept breaking records, and we (BIGBANG) are more than happy and thankful for the love and support. We’re happy and worried at the same time.

How can’t we?

We’re not that old, but we’re not young anymore to only think about today.

Moreover, this comeback might be the last before our enlistment. The future is full of uncertain but our music is the most certain thing. There might be a lot happen in the future, but our music is still there for our fans. At least we’re hoping it’s the thing that our VIP will hold on into in the future. MADE speaks everything we wanted to tell.

Jiyong and I have a different feeling. Silently, we both agree that after this, we’re coming out. To the world, to the industry, and most important is to our fans. Last few years had been hard years for us.

 We life but not live, we love but not our love.

We know that we owed our life to our fans, industry, and our band. They made us, here, till now, we knew. But, we starting to get tired lived in lies and fakeness. The year 2014 cost everything we had and built a lot. Even when we showed to everyone that we’re okay, we’re not. It’s a constant reminder, a nightmare that still haunts us till the day.

At the end of the year, before we released MADE, we come to decided that this is gonna be our last act before we pursue our own happiness. Act to the end.

Our last.

.....

“Then that tiger just dragged me. Ha! I can’t believe it. I mean, I’m not that drunk!” hearing there’s no response from his lover, Jiyong peek at the one who‘s currently lying at his chest. “Jagiya, are you sleeping? Hmm?”

“Am-not,” answered Seungri, slurring yet make an effort to meet Jiyong’s eyes ,“At least, tried not to”.

Jiyong chuckled at this.

“But I’m listening, Oppa! Then you go straight to the hotel then? Or you resume the party somewhere else?” Seungri ask, more like trying to show his enthusiast to his boyfriend’s story. It’s not good to sleep in the middle of the conversation, moreover when they haven’t met for like a week. Or less?

“Don’t force yourself. I know you’re tired. So let’s sleep for now, neh?” said Jiyong then kissing Seungri crown head.

“No! I know you’re way more tired than me. I mean you just arrived from Singapore, doing freaking concerts. It is you who should be tired. Not me.”

“But I know these days you’ve been busy preparing for Aori new store, right? Let’s not mention another business you should take care of. Taek Gu actually reported it to me,” Jiyong rubbing his pouting’s lover back. As long as he wants to enjoy the bed-story time with Seungri, he can’t help but feeling sorry at his boyfriend dark circle that scream nothing but sleep, “Let’s continue this in the morning, neh?”

“But I still want to know the answer from my question earlier,” Seungri replied, still spotting the adorable pout on his face.

“What did you ask again?”

“Did you go somewhere else after the concert after-party in Singapore?”

“Ah yea… No, our tiger bodyguard practically dragged me to the hotel. Can’t afford me to made fool of myself anymore,” chuckled Jiyong, then slightly get up from the bed to turn off their bedside lamp. “So Panda, let’s sleep now and I’ll tell you the rest of MOTTE concert story in Singapore, tomorrow!”

“Mmmm, kay” and the said Panda mumble and make himself comfortable in his boyfriend’s, no fiancé actually, arms.

At his response, Jiyong can’t help but chuckled again for the nnth time. Just before, Seungri firmly told he wants to listen his story but then he start fall asleep within minutes after. Tighten his grip to his human plushie, Jiyong kissing his boyfriend’s head before murmuring, “Sleep well my Panda”.

Seungri wake up first. He felt the familiar iron grip on his waist, courtesy his boyfriend. Smiling, he turns his body to Jiyong slowly and carefully so he won’t wake the Dragon up.

He did. The Dragon is still his deep sleep looking adorable yet vulnerable. It’s a sight he’ll never get enough of, and make him so lucky. No one gets the privilege to wake in G-Dragon’s arms like he did. Who knows that the superstar is super clingy in his sleep? Oh wait... Everybody knows it, since Jiyong proclaimed himself in the beginning of their debut era.

But, it’s me who always in your arms, Oppa. At least when it’s the heart speaks.

It’s the fact that he treasure. No matter how much women, or men, passed on Jiyong’s life. At the end, it’s always Seungri whose he ends up with. The one who Jiyong called ‘home’ after all these years.

Their story might be complicated. It’s not some overly sweet and cute love story where you there’s a happy ending await at the end. Even, once or twice or maybe more, they both had lost to the fight and believe that that there’s no happy ending for them afterall. But then, they believe again and love again. Because there’s always another chance and in the end, they’ll risk everything to be in each other arms again.

But that doesn’t make everything turns to be easy. People say they should focus at love only. But how can you, when your happiness can determine many people happiness, even life.

...

It was in summer 2014 where Seungri started to believe that maybe the best way is to let go. He knows that Jiyong and Kiko relationship is a setup, made only to cover the truth. He understands that, he did.

Afterall he’s a good friend with her, the girl is lovely to him and everyone, but that’s what triggered everything. Seungri knows that Jiyong and Kiko had no feeling for each other but respect and love as a sibling, and it’s a lovely indeed.

2014 is ‘warm up’ year. Their company, YG, and the boys already agreed from early 2014 to have BIGBANG’s comeback at the end of the year, so it’s expected for Jiko ship to bloom way before the date. The marketing, the inspiration, it’s all what fans should know.

Seungri and Jiyong, they’re getting ready to embrace the whole scenario. But it’s indeed hard, when they hardly met because Seungri rarely in Korea and Jiyong mostly spent his days in France for any fashion related or in the States or preparing the final for their album. They hardly meet, mostly in face-time call which only happened less than half hour. The company kept sending them schedule to attend, the scenario to do, or the draft of the recent Jiko dating photo, waiting for their approval to be released when it is ‘needed’.

Seungri must admit it, this time the photo is really good and they look so happy. Things started to creep up in his mind. Moreover, when he wished to spend his boyfriend’s birthday together but their company had different plans and throwed ‘special’ dinner bash for Jiyong instead in Japan. He started to get overly sensitive and self-conscious, yet he kept coming back to see the jiko’s dating photo email. Torturing himself even more.

...

And I know, and I know, and I know
She gives you everything,
But, boy, I couldn't give it to you
And I know, and I know, and I know
That you got everything,
But I got nothing here without you, baby

One Last Time – Ariana Grande

Seungri remembers he snapped to his sister when he spend the night at their family apartment, after Hanna kept playing the freshly released song back then. Yet, he chuckled bitterly every time he hears the song, because even after Hanna stop playing it, in front of him, the hit song always played everywhere.

He knows Jiyong is the Superstar and he’s the-always-maknae-and-the-last in the group. He knows Jiyong loves kid and he has no egg inside his stomach and produce kids, unlike her. He knows he can’t give his boyfriend the freely, open, and happy future family.

So one last time
I need to be the one who takes you home
One more time
I promise, after that, I'll let you go
Baby, I don't care if you got her in your heart
All I really care is you wake up in my arms
One last time
I need to be the one who takes you home

Yet the song was played in the radio when he’s driving to pick Jiyong up in the airport after his ‘vacation’ with the ‘dearly’. Change the radio station immediately, Seungri himself can’t understand why the song riled him so much. So he pretended to be okay, put the widest and biggest smile, to shows that he’s okay before Jiyong notice anything strange. Cause really, they haven’t met for such a long time and his sour mood should go away quickly.

I was a liar
I gave in to the fire
I know I should've fought it
At least I'm being honest
Feel like a failure
'Cause I know that I failed you
I should've done you better
'Cause you don't want a liar

Still, the song still played in a small café in Japan and this time, it hurt more because of his break up.

Yes, week after Jiyong’s birthday, they had big fight and decided to put their relationship to an end. Don’t know who’s at wrong, but neither both of them tried to stop each other when Seungri leave the apartment.

Maybe this time Jiyong had enough of him, his stupid insecurity, and everything about his imperfect self. Maybe this time Jiyong realize that he won’t have a future with Seungri. Jiko is a lovely sibling and friendship, and maybe this time Seungri thinks that Jiyong would try to give it a shot.

They ended their long on and off relationship. It takes everyone into awkward situation, yet both Jiyong and Seungri are professional who wouldn’t let personal matter take effect to their work and band.

But stay with me a minute
I swear I'll make it worth it, babe
'Cause I don't wanna be without you

Even after he had an accident and stay at ICU for a week, the nurse who’s on duty to keep an eye for him played the song slightly when she thinks the patient sleep soundly. But how can Seungri sleep when he feels like there’s a goddamn bonfire inside his stomach?

It’s the fifth day in the room and honestly he feels so much better, he so doped with any kind of medicine before and only fully conscious about everything after his third day. All he remember is him telling YG not to make anyone worries because he’s okay, and kept convincing his mom and sister that he’s okay and not in any verge of dying, even when he still struggling to breathe through the wires. Still he was so much better now.

However, the evening had been a drama. The BIGBANG member, more like Jiyong and Daesung, are finally able to get back to Korea after YG concert in Singapore. They’re having ‘distraction’ strategy from the accident before to shows that Panda is really okay and nothing is serious, as Youngbae and Jiyong kept posting on SNS about how ‘fun’ they had and Seunghyun still stayed in Singapore after spending day in Universal Studio, also now Youngbae flied to another country for work related to fashion. Arrived at Korea yesterday, Jiyong and Daesung can’t help but feel happy to finally get back and go straight to the hospital but due to the ICU policy, they can’t meet their maknae.

The meeting between the ex had been short but enough for Jiyong to smile a little, after spending days in distress and misery. They might be ex-lovers, but they’re still a band mate and friends for 9 years or so. Unfortunately or maybe not, Seungri is half-conscious when Jiyong is visiting because he’s on medication. But he did listen a thing or two. 

“Stay with us, me, Seungri. I swear I’ll fix it all”. Seungri heard someone faintly, but he remember every words.

“Everything will be alright. Just focus on your health and recovery,” murmured Jiyong while kissing his maknae in the forehead as a goodbye,” I and YG will take care of everything. Don’t worry too much. My prayer is always with you”.

Then he leaves and few days after, there’s headline about G-Dragon and his girlfriend all over the media. Some of it is the old photos that Seungri had it in his email before and some is new. But something did change, Seungri is not as riled up as he listen to the damned ‘One Last Time’ song. Maybe the song had telling him something afterall this time.  He should stay no matter what, even for the last chance he’ll give Jiyong later. If. If they will indeed back again.

...

“Seungri Oppa, come dance with me!”

“Nah, I’m not feeling it,” Seungri groan when the girl pulled him to from where he was seating.

“Ah come on Oppa, why would you fly thousand miles here to get clubbing with me but won’t make the show worth it?” the girl replied with mischievous grin in her face.

In the end, Seungri agreed to follow what the girl wants, but only make standing stiff with his hand on her waist, making sure she won’t fall from her drunken state. “Anne, you’re drunk”

“I am, then act like my boyfriend like you need to!” She whined to her ‘supposedly’ boyfriend.

Seungri can’t help but chuckled hearing the girl. She might be acting like a brat but he can’t deny that the girl is adorable. “You’re really troublesome”

“But you adore me,” she replied still with the same grin and putting both of her hands in his neck, swaying with the music. “Come on Oppa, one last timeeee! I need to beee the one who dance with you…..”

That damned song again, he thought. What’s with the girl he met and the song? But then, Annie really humming the song in the middle of a club.

“Why would you singing such a sad and depressing song in a club?” Seungri asked, even when he don’t really want to know the answer.

“Because it’s youuuu!” the girl slurred yet trying to explain with such a cute expression. “I mean, who knows when I will dance in your arms again”.

Seungri’s heart actually tugged a bit with this. But then she continues, with even more expressive face. “Also when the dragon is near, ughhh I’m gonna be a kebab! More, a supper thin kebab because I don’t have many meat in my body!”

“You –“

With this really can’t hold his laughter. The girl is really cute. No wonder why his heart chooses her as a partner with this last act of him and Jiyong. The same act where the solo activity begin, Jiyong and Seungri must appear to be straight as possible, distancing themselves with each other, and all. It’s the same cycle, but they both silently agreed that this is the last time. The last before they both enlist and decided to come out or not to act fake anymore. Until then, let the same old scenario played.

However this time their act is a bit different, because Seungri got himself ‘girlfriend’. Instead of Jiyong played the main role, they divided the act. The Dragon with Nana earlier, and now the Panda with Anne. Both of the girls actually know what games they played and agree to take a part. The Nyongtory is so thankful for them and Seungri himself starting to likes Anne as a sibling he cared. The girl is actually a spoiled princess, but calm and understanding.

“Anddd, who knows after this we end our ‘dating’ act and I won’t see you again.” But that doesn’t mean that the girl can’t whine. She’s really the real example of daddy little princess, courtesy of her parents that fulfill all her wish. “You might not take me seriously, but I really like you, Oppa!”

“You have a soft heart… soft heart,” she mumble and hides her face in his firm chest.

“You’re cute, you know that?” Seungri might not really likes when some people getting all touchy with him, but she’s one of the exception. After all the girl sacrifice a lot for being in his and Jiyong’s game and he felt sorry for her sometimes.

“Yes, and you adore me like you adore Hanna Unnie! At least I’m that kind important,” spotting the cute yet goofy grin, Anne looks so hopeful and adorable. Even in the middle of club, wearing a slightly revealing dress that Seungri can’t help but nagged earlier.

He then ruffled her hair and hug her more tight. “There won’t be the last Anne. You’re free to contact me anytime, I’ll be here. As you said, I adore you like you’re my little sister,” he whispered in her ear. 

“Hmmm, I know that Oppa!”

...

“Come on Jagiyaaa, only one time!” Jiyong whines to his boyfriend when they have a nice breakfast in their apartment. “Show yourself in my tour only one time!”.

“Business Jiyongie business,” replied Seungri while washing the dishes. “We should appear more distance this time, like business partner”.

“But I always said to everyone that this tour and album mean a lot to me! How it be special without you at all??” Still firmly pleading, Jiyong really can’t put any mind in a scenario where Seungri can’t be spotted at his tour at all.

Who’s making this rule anyway? Oh wait, he’s one of the brain behind the scenario.

Sigh, Jiyong really wants his boyfriend to appear at his concert. His fans must overjoy the sight too, he thought. “I really want to see you at the stage with me, Riri. Even only for one time”.

Turn of the water for a while, Seungri turn face to face with his boyfriend, “Jiyong, you know I want that too, but we can’t have that, can we? Let’s don’t waste any effort that we and many other people have done to make this act works. Neh, Oppa?”

Ugh, how can the said swaggy and badass G-Dragon being so whiny and spoiled like this, he thought.

“Neh Oppa? But I’ll be there, hiding in backstage, or in your closet if you wish, cheering for you and waiting for you and let’s do ‘anything’ you want me to do then,” Seungri wink to his boyfriend slash fiancé.

Still pouting, the dragon not yet satisfied with the condition. “You’re in the same country anyway. People also know you have the wrestling match in the country that time. So, why not showing yourself though?”

Sigh, guess it’s really hard to bargain with the dragon. “Yes, but that’s not planned in our first agreement and schedule right?” Seungri argued. Seeing the dragon ready to open his mouth again, he adding, “Also, it is jiu-jitsu, not wrestling match”.  

 Glaring at the panda, Jiyong know that the argument won’t stop here. with their agreement and scenario of the sick games they kept playing, he only wants the fans to see his true side this time. But of course, there’s no such thing as that because in the end, everything must stick to the plan.

“You really won’t back off this time, right?” he asked the panda.

“You know what I truly want and it certainly not hiding in your concert,” Seungri huffed.

Taking a long breath, Jiyong walk to his Panda then cupping his face. “I know,” he gives a peck on lip to his boyfriend, “Although I really hope YG and the staff let you to appear as a guest star, even for once, as my band member. No one can prohibit my band member to my concert, it is expected!”

Seungri only chuckled for the dragon determination and giving a peck back.

“For now, I’m going to take a bath and you finish the dish,” Jiyong said at the end.

At the ruined moment, Seungri push his boyfriend and yelled, “Ugh, go away you stingy dragon! Only wants me to do your chores. What am I? Your slave?”

“No, my future wifey!” Jiyong giggled. “And I’ll make sure my future wife will come to my tour with me”.

Then he dance his way to the bathroom while singing his own song loudly with cheerful tone, make sure Seungri heard it.

“If I can only once see you. It’s okay if I lose everything of mine” (Untitled, 2014 – G-Dragon)

Seeing the crazy and silly behavior of his boyfriend, Seungri can only scoff. Jiyong and his strong determination are really something. He is no joke. Trust him when he said he knows it best, firsthand experience in many times. He can’t say the determination is a bad thing, no, it’s one of the things that made BIGBANG as today. Let’s just say that he’s a good leader and he won’t back down for his band’s sake. Let’s not talked about how many times YG feels stressed of his golden child, but decided to let it slide since he’s is the G-Dragon, duh.

 Also, it’s what makes their relationship still going strong as today. They might having on-off relationship, they broke up for three times total and get back again together everytime, but Seungri must say that Jiyong and his faith for their love is one of the big factor that Nyongtory get their 8 years anniversary. (Let’s not count on their off time)

They had big role for every break and back together. But Jiyong, he takes it on another level. It doesn’t mean that Seungri has no faith in them, (he actually played the role of getting back together in their second brrak up though), but most times his insecurity is what makes him believe that Jiyong is better off without him. Jiyong wants a happy family and in Seungri’s mind it only consist of Dad, mom who has eggs, and kids. However, in so many many times, Jiyong convinced him again that he won’t have a happy family if it’s not with him.

Every time he feels giving up, Jiyong and his determination is what makes him believe again.

If I can only once see you, It’s okay if I lose everything of mine
I want to see you in my dreams at least.
And love again. The two of us, like this.

It was in mid-October in 2014 when Taek Gu, Seungri’s manager barged to the room with his annoyed face. “Jinjjja,” he cursed and sitting in the sofa near the Panda’s bed.

Yeah, Seungri still confined in hospital, after pulled a stunned where he think he’s completely okay but then rushed back again for getting wound infection and 42,6 degree Celsius fever. The doctors, hospital, YG, and even mom+dad were all agree behind his back to make him stay in hospital until he gets completely green light. No rest at home, no outpatient, because they won’t believe he wont restrain himself like the first chance. In the end, he need to stay for a freaking month in hospital.

“Wae? Wae hyung?” the Panda who played with his tab before are now giving his manager full attention. “ Did Omma or Hanna will be late again later? I swear I’ll be fine by myself! Or I’ll ask Guwon hyung or Jonghoon hyung come over”.

Still looking pissed, Taek Gu only stares at the Panda who he relieved starting to talk more. After the accident, Seungri mostly stays in two moods, look so down and guilty or being doped in medication.

“Wae? Or did Omma nagged to you again for me to eat more?” the Panda continue to ask, seeing his manager hyung did not answer him but kept throwing glares at him. “I swear I eat something!”

“Aniya, it is the dragon,” Taek Gu finally answered with sigh. Dismissing his pissed mood, after all it’s not the Panda fault that his ex acted like that. He shouldn’t stress Seungri.

“Oh,” is the only respond he gets from Seungri.

“You don’t wanna know?” he asked, observing the man who looking back at his tab. “It’s interesting this time and concerning you”.

“What?”

Well, you can’t blame Seungri for wanting to know. Since his accident Jiyong kept doing ‘interesting’ things. From almost break down in the airport, make a fuss with YG staff, snapped at YG himself, trying to bail one his schedule, or sneaked to the hospital in the middle of the night, and many more.

“There’s few things actually,” stand up, the tall manager move to the small seat beside the bed. “First, he made an amend, to delay the Japan dome tour to mid-November and BIGBANG album to next year.”

“Jinjja? Aish—“

“And everyone agree with this point, everyone, including YG himself, your doctors, and me if you want to know,” Taek Gu cut Seungri and signaled him to stay calm in the bed. Can’t have the Panda to jump while he still needs to fully bed rest. “Second, he asks me to have a day off and let Taehee to substitute for a while”.

At this Seungri raised his eyebrow. Why would Jiyong being so considerate with his manager suddenly. He did ask T