I meant it when I told Jongin I had prepared for this. I had thought of every scenario possible, and every way to respond to each. I had once considered crying my eyes out and making a scene, announcing what he had done to me, making sure that he got banned from the place. But then I realized nothing would make him more grateful that he left me than that. Then on days I felt angry, throwing a glass of water at him and ruin his designer suit that would cost my yearly income, along with a bunch of profanities seemed like a great way to go. But I decided that my favorite of all was to do nothing, to just walk pass him like he was never a part of my life, and to look happy all the while. Afterall, happiness is the best revenge, didn’t they all say?

In fact, I imagined that almost everyday, the way he would shrink down when he realized that I was just the way before he left me--living my life, the way his eyes would never leave me--I would just feel it--and realized that I was better off without him. I wanted him to regret letting me slip away. I wanted it to hurt the more he tried to shake off the regret, like removing superglue.

But I had never imagined that I would meet him again like this: during our mutual best friend’s funeral, with my eyes puffy from crying too much, too tired to keep my guards up. I never factored in the possibility that he would look the same up close in person, safe for his eyes that were now emotionless and the extra height added to his already-tall figure, and the possibility that he would still affect me.

I was pulled out of trance when he pushed the soju bottle toward me, nodding at his glass. With trembling hands I poured his drink, trying to look anywhere but at him. 

To my left and right, I could hear murmurs, from the tip of my eyes I could see people whispering one another, some nudging the person next to them, while trying to be as subtle as they could about it. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but I didn’t need to, I knew exactly what they were talking about, or rather who.

It’s not everyday that you could see a celebrity in person afterall, let alone the national hearthrob himself. Yes, it was an official nickname, I came across it in the news a lot more times than I’d like to.

Oh Sehun raised his glass, waiting on me to clink mine against it, but I ignored the gesture. He chuckled before finally chugging down his drink.

“I see that you have that default defense attorney during courts look,” he said with a smug expression etched on his face. 

“And I see that you decided to wedge this into your already jam-packed schedule,” I was quite surprised with how my voice betrayed none of my emotion. If anything, the flare in my voice, or lack thereof, was showing that I wasn’t affected by his presence at all.

“To what do we owe the pleasure?” with that I took a big gulp. Did I tell you that I could handle my liquor well? I could down a whole beer glass in one shot. I felt like we were playing a game, the ultimate aim of which was still unclear; maybe it was to make the other cry first, or just crack their facade. He looked at me for a few seconds, probably looking for a telltale sign that it was my new way of giving a warm welcome. But it wasn’t. I was making a point here, that he wasn’t welcome anywhere near myself. When I saw the pompousness dropped off his face, replaced by an offended look, I knew I won this game.

“My best friend has just passed away. Of course I’ll come,” he said, and I bet a little too obvious that my words affected him more than he’d let on.

“I didn’t say you wouldn’t come. I’m fascinated that you decided to come, is all.”

He sighed, before emptying his glass and put it down in front of him again. I refilled it for him. I felt the whispers got louder and more people filled into the room, only to look in our direction and whispered among themselves. I sensed Oh Sehun getting tense and uncomfortable with the sudden limelight. It was a funeral afterall.

“How are you doing?” he refilled my shot glass, finally breaking the moment of awkward silence again.

“Great. Finishing paperworks left and right, practising my default defense attorney look. And yourself?,” I downed my drink in another one shot.

“Great, nothing too crazy though.”

I didn’t think that I thought sneaking in different girls to his dorm every once in a while and getting caught while at it was nothing too crazy. But there was also possibility that he didn’t bring girls home anymore. Afterall, I started filtering out any news about him after the third girl.

We fell into silence. Never in a million years would I have thought that there would come a day when this kind of silence would engulf him and I. The awkward kind, filled with me waiting for the right time to just end it and go on with our lives.

“You still look the same,” he muttered low. I hadn’t had a chance to react when suddenly a teenage girl came over to our table all squeals and giggles.

“Omo! It’s indeed Oh Sehun. Oppa, I’m a big fan. Can I take a photo with you?”

Sehun was looking at me intensely for a few seconds, before giving the girl a nod. She looked over the moon as she leaned closer to him, before pulling her phone from her pocket. He offered to take hold it for her as they took a selfie.

Witnessing her successful bravery, a few other girls decided to try their luck and did the same, and soon a flock of girls were surrounding me and the man in front of me, and things became out of hand. When a middle-age man rushed and stepped into the chaos--I asummed his manager, from the way he dressed--I decided to swallow the other half of my glass, stood up and leave the table and the room altogether without a single glance back.

I made a beeline toward the direction of the toilet, and locked myself inside one of the cubicles. I released the breath that I didn’t realize I was holding. I thought I had enough crying of the day, but I was proven dead wrong.

My body was shaking thoroughly, the impact of everything hitting me all at once. I cried without thinking, trying to empty all the suffocating feeling that clenched my heart.

I thought I got this, but seeing him that close for the first time after almost a decade, seeing him looking the same and yet no longer the person I knew, I realized that I was not any better than when he first left. 

“Jimin-ah, what should I do?”

I cried until I felt empty