The confession hangs in the air and Jonghyun almost immediately regrets the words that slipped out of his mouth. Jinki is staring at him, clearly confused, not sure if he's supposed to laugh or ask Jonghyun what in the world he means. The serious expression on Jonghyun's face hints that this isn't a joke but Jinki still decides to laugh, albeit uncertainly, and says "I love you too?". He clearly doesn't get it, or maybe doesn't want to, maybe he's just hanging onto the last chance that this whole thing could be just a big misunderstanding.

Jinki glances at the front door and Jonghyun wonders if he wants to flee or just hopes someone comes in and saves him. Jonghyun considers taking pity on him and calling everything off but in the end he can't do it. He opens his mouth and makes everything worse. "I'm gay and I'm in love with you." That leaves no more room for doubt and the way Jinki's face falls says that he got the message. Jonghyun feels bad for him, the man's clearly at loss, his mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. In the end he says nothing though and Jonghyun finds himself speechless too, he doesn't have any words of comfort to offer. He can't say that nothing needs to change because that would be a lie, he can already feel a wall of bricks erecting between him and Jinki.

He knows it's a mistake but he does it anyway, he takes a step forward and reaches out to hold Jinki's hand. Before that happens Jinki's already flinching back, eyes wide and startled. Then he bites his bottom lip and stares at the floor like he can't believe he just did that. He sends Jonghyun an apologetic look but Jonghyun can't find it in himself to care, he's already hurt. He runs his fingers through his hair and heads towards the front door, slamming them shut on his way out.

The next day Jonghyun announces he's moving out of the dorm to live with his mom and sister and Jinki feels like it's the beginning of the end.

*****

If someone asked Jonghyun when he fell in love with Jinki he wouldn't be able to give an accurate answer. It was sudden but gradual at the same time, out of nowhere he started noticing all those small things about their leader that made his heart thump a bit faster. He didn't try to stop it or understand it, he just let it happen and then before he knew it boom, he was in love with Lee Jinki.

Jonghyun writes songs. They help him deal with his feelings in the most healthy way. He writes about Jinki, about his strapping smile, mismatched fashion and the way he makes Jonghyun feel weak in the knees. The songs are good and the company likes them too, puts them on SHINee's albums. Then, in the recording room Jonghyun gets to watch with his heart pounding in his chest as Jinki sings about himself and wonders if the man will ever catch on and realize that he was the inspiration for the lyrics (Jinki never does and Jonghyun doesn't mind at all).

Jinki is extremely popular among the SHINee members. They all love him and adore him in their own way and all of them search for him when they need some sort of physical affection because Jinki gives the best hugs. Jonghyun loves s too so most of the time there's no jealousy involved and he just stares fondly as Jinki wraps his arms around the member in need. Jonghyun secretly suspects Jinki likes Taemin best in SHINee (and vice versa) but he refuses to accept the fact until Jinki confirms it himself. Which will never happen, Jinki is too nice to say that he doesn't love them all equally and Jonghyun is mostly okay with that.

*****

After his mess of a confession Jonghyun does the most logical thing in the world: he stays the hell away from Jinki. As much as he can anyway, because no matter how much Jonghyun wants to cut himself off from the man they are still in the same group and they still have multiple schedules together. Jonghyun goes through them as if on auto-pilot, limits their contact to minimum and when he can help it he avoids Jinki like the plague. Jinki lets him and Jonghyun doesn't know if he's more thankful or disappointed.

It's the day of their concert, SHINee performs for two hours and a half and then there's a celebratory dinner with the staff and the backdancers. Usually Jonghyun would be all over Jinki, snuggling up to him in his drunken clinginess but today he just drinks with his head hanging low, refusing to look in his leader's direction. When he gets home he feels sick and sad and he's slowly starting to lose hope that he'll ever feel fine again.
He's in his bed, trying to fall asleep when his phone lights up and buzzes signaling a received text message. Jonghyun unlocks the screen and his heart stops when he sees the ID of the sender. He taps on the message and reads 'I wish you hadn't said anything'. Jonghyun closes his eyes and swings an arm over his face, a few tears escaping and wetting his pillow. He wishes he hadn't said anything too.

"So, what's the deal with you and Jonghyun hyung?" Taemin asks Jinki one day when he can't ignore all the moping and secret stares from the two oldest members anymore.

Jinki looks away, his lips tight. "It's nothing." Taemin gives him a look and Jinki rolls his eyes. "It's obviously something but I can't, okay? I can't tell you. You can ask Jonghyun about it, if he decides to tell you you can come back to talk to me. Until then my mouth is sealed."

Taemin sighs and props his head on his hand. "Can't you guys just make up? It's been going on for so long already."

"There's nothing to make up, we didn't fight. It's... complicated."

Taemin pouts and there's sadness in his eyes. He hugs Jinki and places his chin on the older man's shoulder. "I don't want our team to fall apart." he mumbles.

"It won't." Jinki says, but even he himself doesn't believe it. He has no idea what Jonghyun is up to, maybe leaving the group will be the next step after moving out. 

"Promise?" Taemin asks, looking up at Jinki with big, hopeful eyes. "Promise you'll do everything you can to make things right?"

"I promise." 

Jinki likes to keep his word and with Taemin's push he feels like something needs to be done before it's too late. So even though it's already nine p.m. he gets inside his car and drives to Jonghyun's home. He rings the doorbell and it's Jonghyun's mom who opens the door.

Jinki smiles apologetically. "I'm sorry for bothering you so late, is Jonghyun home?"

"Yes dear, come in." She says with a smile and moves aside, letting Jinki in. "You look like you lost some weight, if I knew you were coming I'd have at least prepared some snacks." she fusses and pinches Jinki's cheek. "Should I make you a cup of tea?"

"No, no. It's okay, I won't be long." Jinki replies kindly, following the woman to Jonghyun's room.

She knocks on the door and then opens them, peeking inside the room. "Son, you have a guest." she pats Jinki on the shoulder and leaves.

Jinki swallows and hesitantly walks inside the room. His eyes lock with Jonghyun's and the man puts away his book and scrambles off the bed, his face shock-stricken. "Hi." Jinki says timidly, waving his hand once and then shoving it inside his pocket. "I'm, um. Sorry for not warning you that I was coming. I guess I was afraid you wouldn't let me in if you knew." Jonghyun doesn't reply, just stares at Jinki with wide eyes. Jinki scratches the back of his head. "But I guess it was still rude to show up like this. Do you- do you want me to leave?"

"Why are you here hyung?"

Jinki sighs, feeling awkward in his own body. Jonghyun is staring at him with scrutinizing eyes and he knows that he needs to be careful with his words not to ruin anything. "I... miss you." he says finally, nervously touching the seam on the side of his trousers.

Jonghyun does his best to keep his heart from exploding. He looks at Jinki and, god, he wants to say it back. I missed you, so much. I missed your laugh and your smile and your warmth and your stupid gags. He says "We just saw each other a few hours ago in the practice room." instead.

Jinki's face falls a little but he smiles. It's a fake smile and Jonghyun doesn't like it one bit. "You know what I mean." Jinki mutters. "I want us to go back to the way we were before." he dries up for a moment, like he's thinking of what to say. "Taemin is afraid we're going to disband if this goes on for any longer."

"Taemin, huh?" Jonghyun huffs before laughing bitterly and rubbing his cheek. "Is this why you're here? Because he asked you to? Well, I'm sorry if my hurt gay feelings are causing inconveniences for you. I'll deal with them ASAP. You can go now." he turns around and waits for the sound of the door closing. It never comes though, it's quiet for a few seconds before Jinki speaks again.

"What do you want me to do Jonghyun?" his voice is hard, like he's talking through gritted teeth. "Why did you even confess in the first place? What did you expect to happen?"

Jonghyun wants to scream 'I don't know!' just so that Jinki leaves him alone and gets out. But instead he thinks. After a while he turns around to face the older man again. "I just wanted you to know how I felt. When you tell your mom you love her you don't do it to receive something in return. You just want her to know. And I wanted you to know too." he says calmly and then lowers his head, feeling tears prickle his eyes. "I would take it back if I could okay? If I knew this would happen I'd keep my ing mouth shut. But, I guess I hoped I could tell you and not ruin everything. I was clearly wrong." Jonghyun wipes his eyes with the back of his hand and then wraps his arms around himself, his body shaking with suppressed sobs. "I ed up and I'll take responsibility for my mistake. I'll leave the group if you want me to."

"What?" Jinki chokes, his stomach dropping. "I don't want you to- How can you even propose it so easily?"

"Whatever it is it's not easy. But I'm clearly screwing with the group's teamwork and you-." Jonghyun's bottom lip trembles. "-you even can't stand to be touched by me. How is this supposed to work?"

Jinki frowns. "You never gave me the chance to deal with this situation. You've been avoiding me ever since you confessed. Hell, you moved out of the dorm just to stay away!"

"It was inevitable. I knew you wouldn't want me to live with you guys after you knew I was gay. I preferred to leave by myself compared to getting kicked out."

Jinki nods, his lips forming into a sad, disappointed smile. "You knew, huh? For someone who claims to be in love with me you don't seem to know me that well then. I would never-" Jinki purses his lips, looks up at the ceiling, feeling a familiar lump form in his throat. "It's your home too. I honestly can't believe you think I'd want to kick you out."

Jonghyun looks away, ashamed. He crouches down, curling on himself and hiding his face in his arms. Jinki sighs and kneels in front of the younger man before hesitantly reaching out and putting his hand on Jonghyun's head. Jonghyun whimpers quietly and leans into it, he hasn't been touched by Jinki in so long that this small contact makes Jonghyun's toes curl in his socks. "I'm so sorry hyung." he says and his voice is shaky and pained. "I don't even know why I said that. I didn't really move out to avoid getting kicked out. I mean, I did, partially. But I was just running away. Back then, you flinched away when I tried to touch you, like you were grossed out by me and it hurt so freaking bad. I was scared it would happen again and I couldn't bear that thought and that's why I moved out."

Jinki sighs. "I'm really sorry about that Jonghyun. I kind of freaked out and my body jerked away before I could think about it. I don't find you gross at all, you just caught me by surprise back then."

Jonghyun nods in understanding. "I get it hyung, I don't know why I overreacted like that... I've had years to come to terms with my feelings, I shouldn't have expected you to be completely cool with it right away. I know it must've been a shock."

"Years?"

Jonghyun ducks his head, ears reddening in embarrassment. "I'm sorry."

Jinki's eyes turn sad. His hand leaves Jonghyun's head before he sits down on his and invitingly spreads his arms. "Care for a hug?"

Jonghyun doesn't need to be asked twice, almost immediately he crawls into Jinki's lap and wraps his arms around him, hiding his face in the older man's neck. Before he knows it there are tears in his eyes again, he lets them fall and leave damp smears on Jinki's skin and shirt. 

"Jonghyun, about your confession-." Jinki mutters, hugging the man a bit tighter. Jonghyun said he didn't expect anything but Jinki wants to give him an answer, feels like he needs to make things clear, help Jonghyun move on. "I'm sorry, I'm not-. I love you, but only as my younger brother."

Jonghyun nods, because he knows, he knew from the very beginning that this love was doomed, that it's going t