Warning: this chapter contains a detailed panic attack scene.

Taehyun doesn’t even complain about the pianist who doesn’t seem to come at all anymore. He doesn’t question his uncle about the lack of job interviews because deep down he has always known, there was never one to begin with. He knows Minho won’t search for anyone else until he’s here and he’s surprisingly okay with it. He has grown fond of this little town, the way the Sun shines on the bright blue waves along the shore, the gossipy but lovely old ladies and the indie, folk music they liked even more than classics. It seemed like nobody knew him here or they simply didn’t care and Taehyun feels like he can finally breathe. It was something he couldn’t do in a huge city like Seoul where there are eyes and ears everywhere and the moon above never forgets. He thought he couldn’t either but for a moment, now he feels like that maybe he can move on one day.

His small talks with Chaeyoung become a regular thing. Everyday she comes by a little bit earlier than the day before, so she can listen to him play a bit longer. She doesn’t say why just like he doesn’t tell her why he doesn’t sing. They talk about everything yet nothing. They talk about the meaning behind flowers, ancient Greek tragedies painted on the night sky as constellations and hope. The florist girl tells him she still dreams in colours, and she boldly tells him she dreams about him, too.

“In my dream, you were handsome,” she nudges him in the side and almost falls out of her own bar stool because he is a little farther away than she originally thought. He has to catch her arm to help her keep her balance but it’s more out of instinct than a gentleman act.

“Thank you,” she thanks him anyway and continues talking like nothing happened. Like the feel of her skin wouldn’t leave goosebumps on his own.

His eyes are glued to her features a long after that, hands itching to touch again, to feel again. Because for the first time in a long time, it wasn’t guilt he felt in the moment they touched. That night, he dreams about her, too. Not the usual nightmare under the star-crossed lovers’ stars but a sweet dream that feels like it could be a memory. Chaeyoung has a flower crown on her head and she’s smiling brighter than the Sun.

Taehyun wakes up covered in sweat and with a pounding heart, no less.

It’s just another sunny day like any other when she founds out about one of his bad habits, an addiction you could say. The cigarette burns, its smoke colours everything grey and Taehyun is slowly dying. Inhale, exhale, a familiar routine.

“It will kill you,” the girl says and her voice is sad like the moon that watched them all those years ago. Her face is pained but she doesn’t show disappointment or anger. She sits down on the bench beside him.

“I have heard,” the musician clenches his jaw and takes the cigarette stub out of his mouth. The It should dies on his tongue no matter how true it feels. Every time he looks at her, he dies a little inside. He wishes that he rather died in that accident three years ago and yet, he dares to feel grateful that he can be here, with her.

Taehyun throws the cig to the ground and steps on it even though it wasn’t even half-finished. Because beside her, he doesn’t like the taste of the poison. But more importantly, he doesn’t want to poison her.

It’s raining when they get lost at the shore. Chaeyoung said she wants to show him the most beautiful place in the whole city and when the pianist doubted her ability to do so, she just smiled.

“I can get there with my eyes closed,” she promised and going there isn’t the problem. It’s finding their way back because the night arrives much earlier than he thought. Darkness doesn’t bothers Chaeyoung though, she got used to it and she leads him by his hand. There is no light, nothing at all except the faint glimmering of the pale moon and he cannot do anything but trust her. He wonders if she mistakenly trusts him too. She probably does since she never showed signs of fear beside him, not even in her vulnerable state, not even when they are alone. Never.

The more time they spend together, be it talks about nonsense or fleeting touches, the less he wakes up in the middle of the night. The more she shows him, the more he wants to do the same but he knows he can’t. Because if she knew who he is, she wouldn’t want to be near him again and it’s scary to think how much he would miss her smile, the sparks in her eyes, her melodic voice… her.

But of course, good things always end since nothing lasts forever, except pain. He should have known that it’s a bad idea but when Chaeyoung asked him, he didn’t hesitate:

“Do… do you wanna see my paintings?”

“Yeah...”

That’s how they make it to the wooden house near her family’s home. Her little safe haven where she paints. It’s small but lovely, the characteristic smell of art materials still linger in the air as she croaks the door open. There are masterpieces everywhere: on the floor, hanging on the wall, piled up onto each other between the empty canvases that are waiting to be filled with colours.

“Okay... so this is my secret place. Obviously, I don’t really know how it looks like since my parents made it after I came back from Seoul.” Chaeyoung beckons him closer, so they can go in. She slightly bumps into one of her paintings on the floor and Taehyun is ready to offer a hand to steady her but she just giggles and moves on. “It might be a little dusty because I only let my mom in on special occasion and I can’t do the cleaning properly but yeah, this is it. These are the paintings I have done since I can’t see. My style changed, I do it with fingers, it’s a little messy but I imagine the colours meddling together and it should be pretty. Though, I have to finish a painting in one-sitting otherwise I would forget the details.”

The pianist just listens to her talking. He’s rendered speechless, he’s literally at the loss of words. Her paintings are magic: burning sunsets, starry nights and rainbows. He would never guess these are the arts of a blind person. She must have crazy graphical memory and imagination to do this with such method. He doesn’t dare to ask how her style was before the accident. He would hate himself even more, knowing he’d already stolen her dream from her.

“I… I think I should go,” he says hesitantly after a while because it’s just like heaven and he feels cheating since he doesn’t deserve to be in such place.

“You can stay, really. I like having silent company while I paint,” she says absentmindedly picking up a brush from the floor she accidently stepped on. As Taehyun looks at her in her natural environment, he can easily imagine little, colourful smudges decorating her pretty face, her hair in a messy bun while she’s totally absorbed in creating with her eyes closed. Even though her pupils didn’t change at her when her optic nerves got damaged, when she was alone, she liked to do things with closed eyes, so she could delude herself just a little. Or at least, that’s what she said to him but he found her closing her eyes in his presence a little too often.

“It’s not that...” he tries to protest but the words die on his tongue when somebody bursts into the cabin.

“Honey, when did you arri-” the middle-aged man halts his steps as soon as he sees that his precious daughter is not alone. Taehyun remembers the grey-haired man from the trial very well. All those hateful glares he got - he probably deserved it all. And it seems things pretty much didn’t change at all. Chaeyoung’s father grabs the musician by his collar and screams into his face out of his mind: “YOU! What are you doing here? How dare you? Coming here using her vulnerability for your own sake!”

“Dad, it’s not like that...” The girl in question protests, startled and grabble around to go to the two man.

“You don’t know anything. You have no idea who this lying bastard is,” her father snarls and turns back to the young man standing in front of him. Taehyun doesn’t even defend himself, not physically and not against the hurting words. “How much more do you want to hurt her? What can you still take away from her? You sick, rotten piece of-”

“Dad, stop!” Chaeyoung finally manages to grab her father’s arm and tries to pull him away. It doesn’t work well and seeing the limitless grief and anger in the man’s eyes, Taehyun doesn’t know what to say. There’s only one thing on his mind right now.

“Sorry. I’m really sorry, sir. I know that my word won’t ever be enough to say how sorry I am and you have every right to hate me but I’m really sorry...”

His words are choking him and when the man lets him go, he just bolts. He doesn’t think, he can’t because his mind becomes a dark and blurred place. He has to grab onto a street lamp to keep himself from falling on his knees.

He had gone through almost a month without a panic attack but now it’s all coming back. Everything. With full force. The world turns upside down, he doesn’t know what’s up and what’s down anymore. It just spins and spins and it’s dark. He almost can’t see anything but then he hears it. Her voice. Clearly and close-by.

“Taehyun, wait! You really want a blind girl to run after you?”

No, he would never want that. But… wait a minute! She just called him by his real name.

“You knew?” he croaks out, words slurred and he’s dizzy. Chaeyoung’s voice is like a lullaby that puts him into sleep.

“Of course. Didn’t you hear that if you lose one of your senses the others became stronger? I told you I like your voice. I could recognize it everywhere,” she says plainly taking careful steps closer because she can’t be sure where she’s going. Suddenly, she doesn’t hear anything, anything at all.

“Hey… are you still here? Are you okay?”

No, he isn’t, Taehyun wants to say but he can’t.

He can’t breathe and no matter how hard he focuses on staying in the present, the screen starts to become the devoid of colours and black points fill his view. He has to crunch down, hold onto something because he can feel his heart beating like crazy but he doesn’t know how long it will take. He sinks to his knees, fingers getting dirty in the mud that covers each side of the road as he searches for a stable, unmoving point. It doesn’t help. He only sees the blurred scenery and feels like he sits on a carousel that can’t stop spinning. He breaks out in cold sweat and the drops are falling onto the warm ground as if to wash his sins away.

He faintly hears a panicky voice calling his name and soft little hands sliding onto his back before he passes out.

It’s dark outside when he opens his eyes. Based on his surroundings he guesses he’s in the local physician’s office. God, how much he hates doctor’s because they constantly want to fix him but can’t. How can you fix something broken? He will never be the same.

It happens when Chaeyoung, the one who never pries, asks him:

“Would you tell me? What happened to you that day? Minho said you weren’t like this before.”

She doesn’t say what she means by like this but it doesn’t sound like an insult and Taehyun who feels like a child being under the covers, with her beside him. He thinks maybe it’s time for him to tell his story. There’s always a story behind pain, she was right after all.

“I was in Seoul to make my dream come true just like you. I was said to be talented and an agency took me in. Had manager, training and everything. I debuted as a solo artist and I like to think I was good but I’m not so sure anymore. That day I found out that my girlfriend cheated on me with my manager behind my back and I got drunk. I shouldn’t have driven but I didn’t think and then you came out of nowhere.”

His licence was taken away from him but he was released with only a good amount of fine. He didn’t have to go to jail like he may have deserved even though it was an extenuating circumstance that he called the ambulance. Still, one mistake ruined his life. Not only he got depressed because of the guilt and the feeling of betrayal but also from uselessness. His label threw him away like a rock, far far away and nobody else wanted to employ him. So he hit rock bottom without nobody to depend on.

“That day I lost trust in other people and as well as myself,” he whispers, closing his eyes, feeling the tears that so rarely fall on his face. “I am so so sorry, I can’t even...”

“I already told you I didn’t blame you. It was just a mistake, we both were stupid,” she interrupts him, not wanting to hear his apology and takes his hand in hers.

“But you know I would never want to hurt you again, right?” the pianist promises and Chaeyoung smiles. She squeezes his hand in response. Yes, she knows.