"Let's break up hyung."

How easily Jaehyun  had uttered those words to Taeyong. As he processed those words, Taeyong felt like he had been pushed into an ocean. It was cold and wet all around him, and he really couldn't breathe. He couldn't see, but he could feel that he was going down. The younger had just walked away after beaking him and Taeyong couldn't do anything but bring that smile back up and face the cameras.

Another day of photoshoots, interviews were they lie through their nose, they pretend they are happy when inside they might be dying. He has seen with his own eyes. Seniors in his company breakdown in tears in the corners of the hallways they think no one ventures towards. But he had seen them, because like them he too needed a place to let it all out.

"It's always the leaders that suffer the most, that is why we chose the strongest of the lot. It isn't going to be easy, but are going to have to put them before you. These kids depend on you Taeyong." One of the leaders had told him, and he loathed his situation. Having to be the leader is never easy, being a relationship on top of that is draining to. Taeyong had tried his best, he had hoped he was, but obviously he ended up failing the one person who mattered the most. 

I tried Jaehyuna, I really tried. I'm sorry.

He didn't understand why he hurt so much, being a failure to others isn't new to Taeyong. Since he was in middle school and his family realised that he is only 'average' child in the family, all he has heard whispered through the walls of his house are that he's a failure. Even as he watched his sister and her husband stand on the dias, their relatives smiling up at the woman who finished her Ph.D in one year, and her brilliant husband, he could hear the elders behind him pity his parents for the rotten fruit they had to carry. But I am doing well! I'm already earning more than my parents, and my sister. How am I still the failure? He had wanted to shout at them but he kept it in. Because he remembered the hushed word of encouragement Jaehyun had whispered into his ear the night before and he believed the boy more than these people. And he in the end he let that boy down too.

He tried to keep the smile even as he heard the fans shout and scream at him, profusing their love to him, but Taeyong gently shook his head and hid his face. It would seem like he was being shy, but it was just him trying so hard to not start crying. Because he was really not worthy of all this love and attention. His eyes wandered towards Jaehyun, who was casually standing next to him, his face shaped to be perfect by angels, and eyes as unreadble as the devils. Right to Taeyong, Jaehyun was a walking contradiction.

He was the man who could break him and make him whole again. He was one he loved and feared at the same time. He was so scared of Jaehyun he coudln't look him in the eyes without shivering. He knew no one else noticed, not even Sicheng who had taken it upon himself to stick to him like glue after that day. He knew he was excellent at hiding, at pretending. Why wouldn't he be? He had been doing it since he was a child. He had only ever removed his mask around Jaehyun, but he doubted the other even cared anymore. Countless times since their break-up, a month ago, Taeyong had asked himself 'What had he done wrong?' what had he done that hurt Jaehyun so much? 

"Hyung you okay?" Dooyoung asked, he was leaing into his ear. As Ateyong turned his head to look at the boy, for a split second his eyes fell on the boy sitting behind Dooyoung. The blonde male was looking at them too, trying to be subtle, but Taeyong knew him well enough to tell that Jaehyun wanted to know too. 

"Why would I not be?" He smiled. 

Dooyoung didn't seem convinved, but he didn't ask further, but the frown on his face was enough to indicate that he wasn't dropping the subject anytime soon. Dooyoung was obseravant, he knew the members like the back of his hand and was one of the first people who figured out that Jaehyun and he were dating. Of course, they two hadn't told the members that they had broken up. But the members would surely be able to tell the difference.  It felt like saying it out loud would make it even realer and Taeyong wished every night for the last one month that it was been all just his imagination. But everytime Jaehyun walked in fornt of him, his back facing him, a weird cold would envelope him and he would shiver. His mind wanted Jaehyun's comfort, he needed the younger but he wasn't wanted anymore.

It was getting colder. And so cold. Taeyong's body shivered everytime he moved. He was drowning, deafening silence enveloping him the deeper he went. It was like an endless labrynth and for the first time since the breakup Taeyong realised that no one would come to pull him up from his hell. He weeped under his blanket, praying to the lord that Taeil doens't wake up. His breath was shallow and he was breathless but the fear creeping up his legs held him down. He felt like a dead weight. He was drowning himself.

"I can't...I can't do this anymore."

He got up the next moring feeling numb all over, his head was heavy and his body was aching. But he had to get up. He needed up get up for the sake of his team. Everyone has their demons, they all dealt with it differently and Taeyong's role was to help them as they dealt with it and at the same time keep them all together. 

Yuta, Ten and Sicheng were in a foriegn country, they had to be looked after. Mark and Haechan were just 16, they had to be looked after. Dooyoung, despite all his outer appearences was the most sensitive member in NCT127, he had to be looked after. Taeil was the same as him, broken and brave, but broken nonetheless, and he didn't have someone like Jaehyun by his side, he had to be looked after as well. Johnny and Jaehyun were capable of looking after themselves but he couldn't make them feel left out, they had to be treated with care too.

He dragged his feet to the kitchen and got the stove on. He needed to prepare breakfast. Mark and Haechan need to eat, they are still growing. He mechanically started work on the breakfast, barely realising he had audience. No. He knew he was being watched, and he knew who it was as well, but he was too far gone; too tired to call out to him. Though deep inside he knew he should've, he had no shame in admitting that he should've called out. Maybe Jaehyun would save him one more time before letting him go? One last time.

"Hyung. Stop." Gentle. And warm. Laced with pain. Jaehyun's distinct tone was embeded in his very core. He would obey every command, because he knew Jaehyun was always right. "You need to stop doing this to yourself hyung." Relief and anguish wash over Taeyong and he clutches onto the counter for support. Contradiction, Jaehyun was his and yet not his. His head is spinning and Jaehyun's words making him more and more confused. Stop what? Stop trying? Stop cooking? Stop drowning? Stop loving? What did Jaehyun want him to stop? 

He's helpless as tears sting his eyes but he refuses to let them fall, his vision is blocked and he still hasn't turned around to look at the boy who he loves and hates at the same time. He would be doomed. He would run into those arms and beg for comfort and he knew he would get it. But he didn't deserve it. He had failed.

Time stood still. He could hear himself breath, he could only hear himself breath. Gasping as if even breathing was now difficult. His closed his eyes, as the cold washed over him again. He was drowning and Jaehyun would still not save him, Jaehyun just couldn't save him anymore. He felt it again, that deep rooted fear clutching his heart in it palm and squeezing it. He heard people laughing at his back, he saw Jaehyun's anger and hurt, he saw the members all walking away because he had failed again. 

One deep breath and the whole ocean flowed into his mouth. He couldn't breath. He was suffocating. He was drowning and there was no way he could come back up. Everything around him was dark and cold and he was all alone.

A warm body engulfed him, pressing him to its chest. It was warm, but not warm enough. Hands held him tight to the body, but not tight enought to pull Taeyong up. He could heart the person's heart going erratic with each whispered apologies and promises that they both wanted to keep. But it was late, Taeyong had gone too deep and no apologies from Jaehyun could reach him over the deafening sounds of the ocean.

Taeyong looked up. In a distance he could see the surface of the ocean the sunlight streaming in and then stopping. His hand tried to reach out but the were tied. his legs were tied, his mouth was gagged and he couldn't breath. He was going under; deeper and deeper. Someone jumped in, but it was too late. That someone was trying, swimming hard towards him, but they were too far apart. He would never make it in time. He could make out the look of anguish on that someones face, and all he could do was smile as he closed his eyes.

So this happened. I have no idea why I wrote this. I have never written anything even remotely this angsty before, even I had tears in my eyes as imagine how my ver of Taeyong must be feeling.

Always to be the person they have no hope from.

I'm sorry it's a bit abstract though. Most parts are about Taeyong's psychological state, he's not drowning literally.

Hope you guys liked it. Please don't kill me. And no, I am not done yet. I won't let Jaeyong disappear.