Just as Sungjin believes he’s taken one step forward, just as he thinks he’s starting to get to know her, Haru takes two steps back to hide where he can’t reach her. She’s rebuilding the wall he tore down, and he can’t do anything about it. I see you, he mentally utters yet again to himself. I see you and I know what you’re doing. I know, he thinks, because I give people something else to look at too. Just so they don’t see what I don’t want them to see.

“Don’t do this to yourself,” he pleads, “Haru, look at me.”

Impossible girl. She’s walking herself right into trouble and if she thinks Sungjin is going to sit there and watch her crash and burn then she can’t be any more wrong. As soon as he saw where she was headed, he ran all the way down from the stage to catch up to her. He didn’t go through tonight’s trouble to come out empty handed. He won’t suffer for nothing. Not after he’s sought her out on stage and sang out to her.

But then, it’s not really about him.

He feels her shivering beneath his hands, tramples the urge to shake sense into her then crush her against his chest, to keep her there where he can keep her safe. He can’t explain these feelings any more than he can explain rocket science but, he’s certain, given enough time and effort one day he just might. But even if he never understands what it is that’s gotten over him, he wagers he’ll live in peace. If only this girl would look at him.

“Look at me.”

Only me.

He wants to take her face, tilt her head up and focus her eyes at him, but he can’t force her. He won’t force her to do anything. What he wants from her, he refuses to take by force.

“You can stop now,” she says, and Sungjin has to lean closer to hear her over the loud music and voices in the pit. “What’s the point now, right?”

“What are you talking about?”

She’s avoiding his gaze still, giving him nothing more than a view of her profile; the stubborn set of her jaw and her lips pressed tight. In his head, he knows he shouldn’t be thinking of her as cute, but he can’t help it. She’s trying to push him away. Doesn’t she realize the more she runs, the more he’ll chase after her? How can she think he’ll let her go after the night she’s given him?

For the first time in a long while, Sungjin can feel again.

“You don’t have to keep pretending,” she says. “It was a ridiculous idea from the start, it’s still a ridiculous idea now. We can stop now.”

“Stop what? Who’s pretending?”

She ducks her head. “You. This.”

“Darling, who’s pretending?”

She finally glances up at that; a flashing look of surprise that transforms into anger. Sungjin sighs. He’s been nothing but honest all night, and he has no doubts so has she. Right? At least he believes as much. When she openly cried in front of him, those were not false tears to gain his sympathy. When she admitted to her fears, when he glanced hope in her eyes, when she laughed at his jokes or just at something he’s done, wasn’t she being honest? The only person Haru is lying to is herself.

“Haru, darling.” He reaches up to gently frame her face with his hands. “My Haru.”

“You’re terrible,” she says, “What are you saying?” Is that a quiver on her lips? “I’m not yours. I’m not your anything.”

Yes. Yes, it is a quiver on her lips.

Sungjin doesn’t know what his face is doing, but he’s somewhere between a grin and a smirk.

“You’re my girlfriend, didn’t you say so? You’re finally someone’s something. You’re not doing your part of the relationship and we can’t have that, can we?” He speaks as low as he can get away with, still in the middle of this crowd and this music. Vaguely, he’s aware of the people around them and that his friends can see. Let them see, then. Let the world see. He always did feel most comfortable in the middle of a raving mosh pit.

“What relationship? You never wanted to do this in the first place.”

He leans closer. “And yet I still kissed you first.”

“Debatable.”

“Need a reminder?”

Her lips fall agape but she catches herself and pulls her bottom lip under her teeth. Wrong move.

He runs the tip of his nose up her soft cheek. Is it considered cheating if he kisses her senseless to convince her to stay? Inside, he laughs. Look at him now, acting so out of character. This girl, she drives him crazy. Wanting to kiss her drives him mad. Wanting this much though he’s already had so much than what was proper in a night—he’s going crazy.

He’ll do whatever he must to make her stay. “Is that a yes?”

“No.”

Jae calls this a record scratch moment. Sungjin chokes on the words that won’t come out of his throat. Maybe because of the sputtering outraged laugh that wants to come out with it. He looks about, wondering if he hit his head earlier in the night and is just dreaming. A nightmare makes more sense than this. How can she act so cold when he’s chained to his place yearning like this?

“No,” she says again.

Sungjin drops his hands, gives her space.

“It wasn’t fun when we started and it doesn’t feel good now. We can’t pretend anymore. Not like this. I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for this time?” he asks, voice low. “Because you’ve done quite a few things tonight.” Shall they start from the very beginning? Because he’s kept an alphabetical list complete with timestamps.

She squeezes her eyes. “I shouldn’t have kissed you. Or asked you to stay with me.”

He can’t remember if she did. All he remembers is thinking he doesn’t want the night to end just yet. Wasn’t he complicit in this as well? Wasn’t it him who asked to take her away from the party? Thinking back to it now, he’s done everything to keep her close. He’s been denying knowledge why, but it’s clear as day to him now. “You think those are the worst of your crimes tonight?”

“I’m sorry I strung you along. You’re a good guy—“

“You what? You didn’t string me along. I came willingly. With you. I wanted this.”

“Because you felt sorry for me?”

Because he felt sorry for himself.

Because he didn’t want to be alone.

Because she asked him to.

Because when he looked into her eyes, he sa