Prior to Jaehyun’s debut as an idol under SM, we were close friends. I grew up in Connecticut, where he had stayed for 4 years before moving back to South Korea. In that time period, we got to know each other because we were neighbors. He kept insisting that he felt bored here, but it seemed as if he had a lot of fun whenever we hung out so that made me feel like I made it a bit easier for him. We were typical kids who hung out a lot at malls, did little pranks like taking each other’s phones and acting innocent with a small shrug. From time to time, our moms would have a get-together and do picnics at random parks (we never really understood how they found so many parks in our area). We would just run around and sneak up on each other; it was our way of having fun. Those were the times that made me really feel like I had found a true friend. Sometimes, he would surprise hug me from behind. Not gonna lie, even though it was just a friendly greeting, there were some butterflies that may or may not have appeared. After he had left for South Korea, I learned that he had been cast into his current company. We had a small celebration while video calling before he had to go practice. Our friendship at that point was still strong. However, as he moved closer and closer to the debut date of NCT, we had become distant. We didn’t keep in contact as often--the video calls were less frequent and so were the texts.

Ever since then, we gradually stopped. He had become too busy and...well, things didn’t end well for the both of us. Even until now, I still don’t know if it was because he was under stress or if I had done something wrong. On the day before we stopped contact, he snapped. We were speaking on the phone happily when we slowly broke into a fight. His voice became extremely gruff and tears had just started b. I didn’t understand what had happened. I still don’t know.

“I’m tired of this, Y/N. Let’s just stop talking.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“Bye.” Click.

I had never heard him this angry before and to be honest, I never knew he had this side of him. This was so different from the Jaehyun I grew up with...it broke my heart. From that point on, I noticed that I had been blocked on every platform that allowed me to contact him. It was losing one of your close friends, except Jaehyun was my only friend at the time. I did get new friends over the years, though, and coincidentally one became a huge fan of NCT. She doesn’t know about my past with him, but I guess I reacted too much like a fan so she invited me to go to one of their recent concerts with her with a backstage pass for my birthday. When my mom found out, she was so elated that she actually packed up my stuff for me and gave me random stuff to give to him during my backstage visit. I would’ve felt happy if only he and I never got into that fight. Connecticut to LA was pretty far, but she was too focused on me reuniting with my now idol friend to care.

In all honesty, I only listened to one song by them. It was Without You by NCT U. Seeing him once was enough to bring back those memories. It sounds stupid but I miss him. Even though he wasn’t with me physically, at least being able to keep in contact made me happy. I started bawling and I couldn’t stop. I probably looked ridiculous, sobbing over a music video. My mom still spoke with Jaehyun’s mom just as often, except this time it was on the phone. My family knew of his debut, and they were all cheering. That made it so much harder because I  had to pretend that he and I were still friends. She still doesn’t know about our fallout. You can imagine the confusion on her face when she saw me in the dark, the computer screen highlighting my tearstained cheeks. She assumed that it was happy tears...that’s alright, I guess.

I decided it would be rude to attend without any knowledge of who they were, so I did some research before the date arrived. I actually found some interesting fun facts and information, and their music wasn’t that bad. Before I knew it, I had become a fan. Not enough to be fangirling, but enough for attending at least one concert. I was able to differentiate the members as well as learn their name from all 3 units. However, there were some parts that I was still confused about, such as teens being locked in dungeons to sing 24/7. That sounded pretty terrifying, I wonder if it’s real.

Eventually, it was time to go and my friend was way too excited. She had bumped into at least 5 different people over a period of 30 minutes because she would “explode” every time she saw a member’s face on a poster. It was still at least 5 hours before the concert would start, so we spent some time shopping. It was fun because I had never gone to LA before, so I experienced a lot of cool things. It was when we started walking around Koreatown that I realized how popular NCT was. Beforehand, I had already known that KPOP in general had a huge international fanbase, but it was amazing because it had only been a couple months since NCT actually debuted.

As we continued on, I started wondering how he was doing. It was great for him, right? After all, he had gained fame through his hard work and talents. The more I thought about it, the more immature I felt. This whole time, I was only thinking about how unfair he was being towards me and how I didn’t deserve all that. Maybe he was happier that a nobody like me wasn’t in his life anymore. It felt ridiculous of me, standing in the middle of a merch store and sulking. Of course, that didn’t stop my mission to find out what the problem was. I felt that I deserve at least an explanation...which was why I accepted the invitation.

The concert was fun; I had never seen so many people in one place (it is my first concert, after all). There were 8 other fans who got the backstage pass as well, so my friend and I decided it would be best to go last. She argued that we would have a lasting impression because the last thing they would see is us before they left. Although I agreed on going last, that wasn’t my reason. I wanted to get things straight with him and now that we’re here, I was even more determined to leave with answers.

It was finally our turn, and it was also when he noticed me. I stood and stared at him with a blank expression. I could tell he felt tense and uncomfortable. With the bags that my mom had packed for him in one hand, I took a step as my friend ran to the other members. We continued staring at each other silently until he broke into a small smile, as if nothing had ever happened between us. Still, I could tell it was fake. 4 years isn’t nothing. We had shared so many secrets, spent so much time together, and he still thinks I can fall for this? I only got more furious. Before I could say anything, the staff ushered all of us together for a group photo. All the members put their arms around each other and us. We took 2 because there was me and my friend. So we got 2 polaroid pictures and had some time to speak with the members. Thankfully, my friend kept the others distracted, talking about how much of a fan she was. I took this time to talk to him in a corner.

He wasn’t smiling anymore. He looked down at his feet for a bit and took a deep breath. I could only scoffed. I opened my mouth to speak, but he interrupted me.

“What are you doing here?” he asked me curtly, his eyes matching the coldness of his voice. I felt my heart drop. I suddenly felt as if I was being suffocated. It was like the whole argument was happening all over again. I started tearing up and stuttered, but I was able to keep my composure long enough for a sentence to come out.

“I want an explanation. What did I ever do to you? Why did you yell at me like that?” my words were becoming more and more slurred. I had to cover my mouth to stop the cries. I didn’t want my friend to lose this opportunity to meet her idols all because I got too emotional over something as stupid as this.

Instead of answering me, he only looked away. That was when everyone else started walking towards us. My friend ran over, thinking that I was crying because I was awestruck and she patted my head, trying to comfort me. All the members chipped in as well and got me tissues. Jaehyun, on the other hand, did nothing. A couple left with him to the other side of the room; I could hear them scolding him for not doing anything. I said I was determined to get answers, but perhaps this was too early for me. Even now, I couldn’t even handle the situation properly. I felt utterly disgusted and embarrassed with myself. That being said, I had enough of it. My friend was already finished so I was also set to go. When the small scolding group came back with him, I shoved the bag to him and just said, “This is from mom.” Because most of the members didn’t understand, they looked in confusion while the English-speaking members stared with their jaw dropped. My friend was too busy fangirling inside to hear what I had said.

In the end, we left and I felt like a failure.

A/N: Yep. My dream didn't end well. If any of you are disappointed with the ending....I do have a happier alternate ending in the works! I'm not sure whether or not to post it, though. Ending it like this is difficult for me, too. ):