You never realize how much you hate something, until you’re at the point of no return. I keep my hands on the chest of a man that myself and my team mate Ryan just pulled from the middle of the forest. He somehow managed to puncture himself with a tree limb. I knew I shouldn’t have flown with this new pilot but I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I am slowly regretting that choice. If he jerks this damn helicopter one more time, I might have to deck him in the face when we land.

               “How do you think this happened?” Ryan asked as he grabbed more gauze and handed it to me. I switched the bloody ones with new ones as I kept applying pressure.

               “I don’t know, but it takes a lot of force to do this. He’s pretty cold too, so I am assuming that he was out there for maybe a day. It stormed yesterday pretty hard, maybe he was there. You know what they say about assuming though, it makes an out of you and me.” I pursed my lips. Then that damn helicopter pilot did it again, he jerked the god damn helicopter.

               “What the hell man! I have my hands on a very open wound. Do you want him to bleed out?” I yelled into my headphones. He jerked the chopper again. Then we started descending.

 

               Mean words are monsters, mean words are monsters, mean words are monsters. Keep pressure Freja, keep the pressure held. I chanted to myself over again. He landed the chopper and Ryan flung open the door. 2 doctors and a nurse rushed up to us as I straddled the poor man so I wouldn’t lose pressure as they unloaded him.

               “Freja, do you mind going down with us then switching places?” One of my favorite trauma doctors asked as they loaded me and the guy onto a transportation bed.

               “Sure Dr. Murphy, you know I can’t say no to you. Thanks for the cookies by the way, tell your wife that she’s the best. It was a great parting gift. Now about this gentleman, 26 years old with a protrusion to the right upper chest. Incubated on scene, BP of 210 over 104, temp at 103.2 Axillary, Pulse weak and thready at 52. Name is James Wilson. Found in the middle of Potato Creek’s Forest by a park ranger. He was found unresponsive. Performed CPR for approximately 21 minutes. Morphine administered at approximately 0430. He’s had to bags of saline wide open.”

               “Jenna, I want a full work up, a cat scan, an X-ray, MRI, and I want vitals done every 15 minutes. When we get down stairs, I want Marie to take over for Freja, and go ahead and get an ultrasound done too. I have no doubt that this punctured his lung, I want to make sure the fragments didn’t spread.” The other doctor called Marie as we the elevator descended.

               When the doors opened, the chaos began, Marie came over and switched me places. I hopped off the gurney and stripped my bloody gloves off. Ryan handed over the Chart and they rushed the patient into a trauma room. I was ready for a break from this mess. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely, 110% love my job, I love the adrenalin, but it takes a toll, and it’s not my dream.

               “So today is the last day huh partner?” Ryan asked as he clapped my back. We walked towards the break room. I pinned in the code and went straight to the sink to wash my hands.

               “Yeah, I leave for South Korea in about 4 hours. I’m gonna stop by and say bye to my dad, and he’s gonna take my Jeep, then take me to Chicago to catch my flight.” I said as I grabbed my back pack from my locker and changed into my favorite pair of black Victoria Secret leggings and Wonder woman tank top.

               “I still can’t believe that you are a rapper. I watched clips from that show and it looks pretty dope.” Ryan said as he changed into his off-work clothes as well.

               “Yeah, I didn’t think I’d get chosen. Rap was something I do for fun, it’s always been a dream, but I didn’t think of pursuing it. Show me the money is a serious competition, and who knows, I may love doing it and not come back, then you’ll get assigned to Ralph forever.” I said as I poked out my tongue.

               “If I wasn’t your sassy gay best friend, I would be seriously offended by that, my white-haired Valkyrie. Let’s not even begin to talk about Ralph, he may be dumber than a box of rocks, but at least he’s nice to look at.” Ryan said as he put on his Neon shirt that said I’m Gay and A Nurse, what’s your problem. He then pulled out a box and handed it to me.

               “What’s this?” I asked as I took the silver box from him.

               “A token of luck.” I opened the square box and began to tear up. Inside was a Nordic Warrior band. I was really in-touch with my Nordic side of my heritage, and my family wasn’t big fans of it. They were Irish Catholics.

               “I have one favor to ask of you however Freja.” He looked at me seriously. “Find happiness, fall in love, and don’t look back. There is nothing for you here anymore. You have given more than enough of yourself to this damn hospital, and for our country. If Roman was still here, he would have kicked you in the for putting yourself to the sidelines for so long. We both need to move on, I loved him more than anyone, and I know he wouldn’t want his sister to be stuck in the past for something she can’t change.” Ryan said as he gripped my shoulder.

               “I swear on this band, that I will try to put myself first from now until I have found happiness. Thank you, Ry.” I said as I hugged him.

 

Pulling out of the hospital, I could feel the relief flooding my body. My cousin is taking care of my house while I’m gone and the only thing left is to say goodbye to my dad and step mom, which was going to be the hardest part. Standing at that audition was challenging and scary but I did it. I received my necklace from Jay Park and got the attention of Dok2. 2 of my Role Models in the K-hip hop industry. Not very many female rappers make it on this show, and I knew it was a gamble but I gave it my everything. My freestyle was about trying to be free. I can still recall every moment of it.

“Go ahead, give us what you got.” Jay said as he walked up to me. I clenched my hands and then I released.

“I never knew this pain could exist

Another story just full of twists

I’m not the person you want me to be

But take a listen to this beat.

 

I’m tired of the bull, another wall to build

You broke them down and watched me fall.

I reached out my hand beggin you to save me.

You just stared out at me.

 

I obeyed your every command and planned.

My 21^st birthday and all that was given was demands

I hoped and wished for everything you could give

I didn’t expect your fists

 

I loved you and you played me.

You were my life boat and I had a fear of drowning.

I looked up to the sky as the water consumed me

Suffocating was the only thing I was feeling

 

Im waiting for my hero to come and take me

I feel like the villain just waiting

Trapped in a prison of dreams and misbeliefs.

No more time to take any pity on me.

 

I am now Super girl with a cape on my back.

I will be the knight in shining armor

Riding to save the day from misery.

I can’t stand the emptiness anymore, so I’ll just fill it with pain.

Day by day I will forget your fleeting image

Just another object in the bottle I keep to myself

Looking out to the world, I will find happiness

Somewhere in the distance, where you won’t be.” I spit the rhyme out of my mouth and the room went silent. Dok2 walked up and stood next to Jay.

               “What’s your name?” Jay asked.

               “Freja Miller.” I replied, trying not to sound nervous. He was one of my biggest inspirations in the music industry and I didn’t want to come across as week.

               “Well Freja, welcome to Show me the Money Season 6. I hope to hear more of your deepness in the future. It was very refreshing.” Jay said as he handed me the gold chain.

               “Really Freja, that was dope. I look forward to seeing you in the next round.” Dok2 shook my hand.

That might have been one of the happiness moments in my life. I pulled up to my dad’s house and prepared for the mental exhaustion of the next few hours.