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I almost cried of happiness because of that and you told me that you are not stopping me from liking you. I felt my heart giddy and it is as if I am seeing the world in shades of pink. I just want to continue liking you even just as a friend, who knows you might like me back and re-think about dumping me. I even decided to just refer to you as "hyung" so I would only think of you as a special friend to me because "oppa" is mainstream.

We continued reminiscing, making you discover my good memory towards you.

Hyung...

I love you.

Do you remember all those?

Or perhaps, they are only said by you because of your temporary mood and emotions?

Are you giving me false hopes? What was that I love you for?

Do you love me for who I really am?

Tell me. So many questions, I need answers.

Do you remember how I wake up in the middle of the night just so I could message you and for us to talk to each other even just for a while?

Do you remember how weird and bubbly I am? You even told me you are disowning me and you owned me ever since I confessed to you. I was just trying to keep things cool but you for finding the right words to make my heart flutter all over again.

you, you, you.

You keep on leading me on.

you, you, you.

I gotta move on and think of you as a friend.

It was all good, me trying to move on and preserving our friendship.

But you gave me something to be extremely mad about.

Dude, I am moving on from you. That merely means that I do not want to know the girls confessing to you, your past loves and anyone who wants to flirt with you because just because I accepted your rejection towards me. I felt like a null hypothesis but I still have feelings just so you know.

Yet, you heaved a sigh, telling me that I have not yet moved on from you.

you. Do you really think that is easy? How can I just forget someone who gave me so much to remember? If it was that ing easy, I would have moved on the moment you rejected me last January 23, 2017, 11:59am. See? I REMEMBER EVERY GODDAMN THING THAT IT IS ABOUT YOU.

Why is it easy for me to remember all these when I forget my name sometimes?

Why do you still remain important to me despite how I got hurt multiple times just by putting up with you since December 22, 2016?

I hate you.

I hate you for not seeing me as a woman ever since.

I hate your inconsistency, becoming sweet and leading me on but when I fall for your traps, you take a step back. I fell for it yet you never caught me.

I hate you for still looking for friends to play with or to be friends with for a long time when you have me.

AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH?

PANGET BA KO? (AM I UGLY?)

KAPALIT-PALIT BA KO? (AM I REPLACEABLE?)

I hate having feelings of not being good enough, ugly and replaceable. It took me years to build up my ing self esteem yet it would be ruined all over again.

I hate you for being insensitive, mentioning all those girls and thinking it is easy to move on. You even wanted to stay away from me because you thought it would help me.

Guess what? It would not.

I tried to become busy so I could forget about you. I read a lot of manga, cleaned my room, made myself beautiful through following make up tutorials and watching Korean dramas.

You know what happened next?

I just ended up watching Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo and it was relatable to my situation with you.

I was both Bok Joo and Ah Young, if you still remember.

Bok Joo fell in love with a doctor named Jae Yi, who turns out to be the cousin of Joon Young, her school mate. She would do unusual stuff for him to notice her. She enrolled at his clinic so she could see him everyday, wore hair accessories and she was just happy with his presence. The same thing about me towards you. But in the end she ended up having false hopes and got dumped in the end nicely by Jae Yi, also similar to how you dumped me. But she ended up having feelings for Joon Young and they ended up with each other.

Basically, everything just reminded me of you.

Jae Yi has a best friend named Ah Young, they have been friends for 10 years. Despite how many men are into her, she only has eyes for Jae Yi. However, he only sees her as a friend because he still could not move on from his first love. During their reunion, Ah Young confessed, telling Jae Yi her feelings and why he would not notice her all those years? She gave up and left, even not communicating with him. Jae Yi realized he should move on so he would not lose Ah Young and pursue her. Ah Young and Jae Yi became engaged in the story.

I was a mixture of both Bok Joo and Ah Young and two things could possibly happen: You dumping me and I would move on and end up with someone new or maybe you will realize that we belong to each other.

I thought we would end up as Jae Yi and Ah Young, but...

But this is not fantasy but reality.

I continued being just friends with you and sometimes I would vent out and get drunk while we converse with each other. I opened up my vulnerability once more, telling you my dreams, aspirations, likes and dislikes as if we are getting to know each other. Unlike you, I was an open book, which is why it is easy to see through me. You found me cute that way and it was surprising how you handled me maturely. You even knew my occasional mood swings especially when I am on my period, referring to me as noisy whenever. That was the first time I felt very comfortable revealing my true self to someone. In fact, I also told you that people are expecting me to be mature at a very young age to the point that I was not able to experience being childlike and taken care of. But hyung, even if you are not really affectionate, you make me feel as if I am understandable and most of all, you let me become who I wanted to be without the pressure of societal dictates and above par expectations.

Hyung, I nonchalantly became co-dependent towards you. I want to hold on to you and keep you without the romantic feelings anymore if this would make me not to lose you at all.

Will you be with me? In this cruel world, all I want and all I need is you.

 

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