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You were gone for weeks and I tried looking for you, but you are nowhere to be found. I have no idea if I should still be waiting for you. It scares me that you might easily forgot about me and that there is no assurance that you will end up liking me in return. So what I did was to go back to the process of "waiting but moving on". To there, I met two different people that I thought will make me completely forget about you.

I started dating someone else because why not? And it seemed like the person was really eager to pursue me. Besides, it would not hurt if I did. It kind of occurred to me that you will no longer appear in my life and you never cared about me, honestly speaking. Besides, I am just a potato, a poop and a kid, nothing else.

However, that person and I did not last long also because he just left me all of the sudden without saying anything. I let out a sigh, thinking that relationships are not meant for me.

Why is it that I always have failed relationships here?

Why do people leave?

Worse, why am I still having thoughts of you despite me belonging to someone else?

Worst, I just realized that all I ever wanted is you.

Why do I still like and love you even if you do not feel the same way about me? My heart is so stubborn, after all.

It has always been you, idiot. The memories we have, they linger in my mind. Though I know I can make it without you, it still hurts when I think of you. No matter how I try, I guess I will always stay in love with you.

After a few weeks, you came back again, after I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. Here I go again, becoming friends with you as always. I remember how you were in search of a wife and how you also wanted to have a daughter here. You always come and go, like a storm with a bit of thunderstorm, giving me memories but you never linger like a sunshine on a cloudy day. I also remember how you tell me how girls tell their fantasies and how they find you hot. You probably found them hot as well and gave your attention to them instead. Or perhaps you were busy with them and I am probably just bothering. No wonder you call me poop most of the time. A waste and discharge needed to be let out by the human body.

Basically, I am right here in front of you. I am just waiting for you to notice every action and affection I make.

Sometimes, I would like to ask...

Were you given a high dosage of anesthesia? Because seriously, you seem to be unable to feel everything. It seems like a one-sided, unrequited love.

I tried to volunteer as a wife or maybe as a daughter to keep you close, but you end up indirectly pushing me away.

You always refer to me as a kid because of how I look and sound like. Those were the times wherein I regret showing you what I look like. It just how I get treated that way and it is rare for people to see me as a woman.

Did you even see me as a woman or just a kid trapped in a body of a 21 year old?

I doubt you did. Only a few did, yet I still choose to invest my feelings on you. I tried to open my heart to another guy who treats me well, but I was still preoccupied with you and that is so unfair. He treated me well and everything that he did was all foreign to me and that was the first time I got treated the way I deserve, like a princess or a queen.

Why do I keep running from the truth that no matter how bad you treat me and bully me, I still come back to you?

It is abstruse, unexplainable. I thought I was sick, having palpitations and shortness of breath. But the truth is, I am madly in love with you.

Putangina, mahal na mahal kita, manhid ka lang.

[I love you so much, motherer. You are just unable to feel it.]

At the moment while typing all these stuff, I remember everything you said and told me.

I remember how you told me that I was cute whenever I overthink but I should limit it. That was probably the time I opened my vulnerability to you. I am filled with nervousness and social anxiety, no doubt.

I remember how you told me to stop being overprotective towards you. you. I am your friend and I have emotions so no matter how I try not to be jealous, it is inevitable.

I remember how you call me whenever I give you sweet messages and spam you often. I guess I really am because no matter how douchebag you seem, I still have see the good in you. Love is not really blind. I see things but I do not mind. I think this is a perfect example of cognitive dissonance.

Would you call me a fool if I still continue loving you despite how you referred to yourself as an who does not know how to care of people?

I never needed you to change. All I want is to be with you.

All you have to do is to love me back and I will do the rest.

I remember also how you said you never wanted to date me because I was scary and you can never cheat on me since I would find out. I just happened to have sixth sense of high ESP level, according to Psychology. You are right. I really am scary because I remember all these things and I would make sure I am good enough for you to no longer look for anyone else.

I remember also confessing to you my feelings several times especially when you mentioned how your ex wanted to get back with you. I tried to be professional and listen to whatever you say but I could not deny the fact that it brought me to tears once again. Because you and that person had a past and you still love her, I can feel it from the way you talk to me about her. I was jealous as because she had you also when all this time all I ever wanted is for you to be mine and I will be yours.

See how I remember a lot of things? I wish I could remember other things like the way I did to all what you said to me.

But there are other things you told me that gave me huge impacts.

First, when you said that you were used to breaking hearts, but not mine. I was an exception to the general rule and you also told me that no one can break the heart of your princess who is me. It was really memorable to me, to be honest because you often bully me and it was rare that you complimented me.

Second, you referred to me as your person, Grey's Anatomy. Although I have not watched the series, I knew what it meant. It was a commitment and about a person you do not want to live without. That moment, I felt like you love me all along and that everything was worth it because I was able to enter your heart which I thought was cold.

Third, you dumped me and proposed a friendship that would last. To be honest, I realized we are better off as friends because that will last and I felt you being careful of my fragile heart.

Fourth, the moment we said I love you to each other.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

 

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