A letter that was addressed for me came a few weeks later. The curved letters within the envelope was of a very familiar handwriting, hers. I did not dare to open that sealed letter. I knew if I opened it, it will bother me even more. My conscience won’t forgive me because I was partially to blame for everything. Maybe the letter contained of her grudge towards me, and I know if I open it I won’t even know what to do. How to continue on. How am I even functioning? Each second of the day dragged as the same thoughts ran over and over through my head. It was an endless futile attempt to try and move on. But to move on, I have to take a step forward. I need to open that letter, her letter.

So I did.

It took me almost a month to gain courage in cutting open that envelope, slip out the folded paper and unfold its contents. The contents that changed my perception of life from then and onwards.

‘Dear Ji,

By the time you get this letter I probably will be already gone, or maybe not. If I am still around then that made this letter completely pointless although that’s in a good way, right? That means I would have still been holding on and this letter would just be full of ridicule.

Moving on to the whole purpose of this letter I write to you, I would like to say a big thank you. Thank you that you were there for me, you chose stay by my side this whole time. I know I pushed you away, so far away to the edge that when I realised my mistake it has become irreversible. I can honestly say that the years we have spent together from grade school to high school has been the best time of my life. You never failed to make me smile and happy despite how miserable it was having to go back to a household full of misery. You have no idea how much I look forward for each day to come knowing that I will be going into school to get away from everything and you will be there. Because you were always there. But there would come a day when you will have to go; get busy with another girl maybe or find better opportunities. I was relying too much on you that I thought I will have to lessen those ties before it becomes too difficult to cut. I guess it was already too late to cut though which I realised later than sooner. Maybe I shouldn’t have cut you, cut us. I should have let it be, see how it goes. How it should have gone.

I miss you. I miss you Kwon Jiyong.

I’m sorry that I have to do what I am about to do, or maybe would have already done. I can’t hold on anymore, it’s too much to bear. I know we used to talk a lot before about what the future might hold for us, the many possibilities and freedom available. We laughed so much over so little things to the point where I felt my jaw were about to come off, I used to wish then that if only time can freeze. If only I can turn back time and go back to those times; when we were both happy with the company of each other.

I hope you don’t blame yourself.

The action I have taken was a decision that I have gone through over and over again until I made this final decision. Am I selfish? I wish I was stronger; strong enough to be able to hold on. I wish I had the voice to say exactly what I felt and enough tears to empty all that has been building up within my chest. Lastly, I wish we had more time, more time for me to say what I have always wanted to tell you.