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If I can dance, then all is well. If I can see you, even for just one second, then all is well. There are lots of stuff I like to do. I like to run outside when it rains. I like to stay in silence in my empty room and stare at the ceiling and hear the muffled sounds of people living their lives, outside in the great wide world. I like to eat, I like strawberries dipped in whipped cream. I like to get out with my dogs, I like to see them run and ask for some petting. I like to hear my niece telling me all about her day and taking thirty minutes to explain the same thing over and over again because she keeps stuttering and forgetting what she just said. I like to see people smile at me, telling me I’m of help to them. But when none of this makes sense anymore, when I don’t see the point of the sun shining and the grass growing, when I’m really tired and when my day has been exhausting, when I’m hurt and when I want to cry, when sadness is crushing my lungs because I miss my mom too much, when I feel lonely or burdening everyone around, when nothing feels right and everything feels too much, then I can dance. I can always dance, and all is well. Then I can close my eyes, and when I do, I see you. It is always you. When I see you, then all is well.

I always get back to the same moments. They help me focus. They help me find meanings in things that don’t make sense and questions I can’t answer. I get back to you, dancing next to me. I get back to our bodies making the same moves, I get back to your scent, I get back to the sound of your sighs and your smile in the mirror, I get back to your frown. My favorite thing is how I can feel your body, without you touching me. It’s like I get sensitive to the air between us, I’m hyper-aware of the space surrounding us and I can feel you. Even if I close my eyes, I know how you move, because I’m conscious of the distance between you and me changing.

When the Earth seems frozen or when it’s turning too fast, when my head and my heart are too heavy for me to bear, when I’m lost and when I’m cold, when I feel foreign to everything around me, when I feel misunderstood or brushed off, when I don’t want people to perceive me, when I don’t want to explain and when I need to hide, when I can’t accept what’s happening around me, then I dance. Then I close my eyes and my hand can find yours. Because I can feel where you are and I know you’re waiting. Then I can get lost in the space between us, and I know I’ll get to you.

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