December 01, 2014

It was around two o'clock in the morning, plunged into the darkness, I was studying for my exams which would take place at the end of the week. A sip of coffee and my gaze landed on an envelope buried under the paperwork. It was the letter you sent me a few days ago. To be honnest, I did not know what to do with it. I wanted to keep it preciously, but at the same time, I only wanted to shred it and cry all until my eyes pop ourt , although I was trying to stay calm. Already two years had passed since you left, since the evening when we finally ended our lovers status. Obviously, you never had a single idea of the pain I felt all these years without yoy by my side. Of all the tears I shed? Why did you had to go? Why so far?

 I crumpled the envelope between my fingers and a deep sigh crossed my lips. You said you wanted to see me again during the Christmas holidays. Honestly, I doubted it was a good idea. What would happen next? You'll leave again, leaving me behind, even more torn than the last time. You will succeed in getting in your bed and I will live the next two years without any news. I'll contact your mother to know how you're doing she'll praise your new girlfriend, again and again.

I still remember that fabulous night, night that keeps going in my head, like I was watching a movie. Our bodies, intertwined with one another above the sheets and your big hands touching my skin, giving me a few shivers. It was the last time we made love, in my miserable apartment where I still live to this day. I turned my head to look at my bed. All the evenings spent together in this one, laughing, watching movies, studying or letting our two bodies become only one. That night, we didn't had time to take our breath that you kissed my forehead and passed the threshold of the door. That's when I realized that you were actually going to study in Canada. I didn't thought that feeling such pain was even possible.
 

You promised me a lot of letters, calls, Skype's conferences, but there was no such a thing. As if us had never existed, as if we had never known each other, as if I'd never was anything to you. As soon as I had the chance to wish I had never met you, tons of regrets invaded me, although I thought so. The worst part of all this was that I could not talk about it or even confide to anyone, since nobody knew about our relationship. I think even I was not aware of it, I didn't know that it was only for . I tried to forget you, you know. But I never succeeded.

I miss your arms.

I miss your lips.

I miss your body. 

December 16, 2014. 
Only ten days before our meeting. Honestly, I did not know what to think. I grew more and more impatient every day, but at the same time, I didn't want to see you at all. I kept repeating myself all the things I wanted to tell you, but basically I knew that I wouldn't be able to tell you all of those things. Is this what we call loving too much? I blamed myself, horribly. I was angry with myself for falling in love with you, I was angry with myself for not being able to forget you, I was angry with myself... I was angry with you. You, who played with me, you, who left me behind, completely destroyed, as if I worth nothing. This simple thought froze the blood in my veins and I clenched as my eyes becames foggy. Then all of a sudden, I remembered the very beginning of our relationship.

I was a mid-july night and the weather was great, then we decided to go to the beach. While the water was above my hips, you gripped me, then hugged me against your wet skin. I looked up wat you and your lips suddenly kissed mine. I kissed you back without any hesitation. I had to put my arms around your neck, then you dragged me back on the sad and lied me down. Your body landed on mine. My hear was pounding so fast, I dreamed of this moment for so long but I wasn't able to tell you my feelings for you. I was too afraid of being rejected, afraid to lose you.

And I was freaking stupid to believe my feelings were reciprocal.

December 26, 2014
 It was a rather cold evening and the snow was beginning to fall, that's when I thanked my grandmother for knitting me a scarf for Christmas. I blamed you for bringing me out in such weather. But I had to see you... at least one last time. Maybe to clear it up this time. I was sitting on the park bench, our usual meeting place, as you said in your letter. I stared at my cellphone to see the hour and my lips cracked by the cold and bites, my anxiety starting to grew up as and minutes went by. You were really coming, uh? At this very moment, a shadow stood in front of me and I looked up. You were there, a meter away from me and your gaze met mine. I quickly got up and cleared my throat, then smiled.
- You've grown up so much, Zitao, you said.

I kept it shut, only looking at you. You had changed to a point where you were almost unrecognizable. If we had just crossed on the street, I probably would never have recognized you. You were... even more beautiful than in my memories. I didn't know what to tell you, I had planned to tell you every single things I've kept to myself after all this time but no word could come out of my mouth, only the whitish mist that the cold caused to my breath came out from my mouth. You approached me and pressed your warm lips on mines, with a slight taste of coffee. My eyes were fluttering before I decided to take a few steps back, saying nothing. Just staring at you, raising my eyebrows, I was filled of incomprehension. You suddenly breathed "I love you" which made me swallow my saliva. I saw it coming and I was going to fall in your trap, but I had to control myself, not to jump in your arms, not to smile. Nothing. I turned my heels and went back home, my hands in my pockets. My eyes glared on the snow that has fallen on the ground. If you were sincere, you would come back to me, you would come to get me. But I never saw you again.
 
　　　Liar.

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So! This was my first one-shot ever and I wanted to translate it in english. I'm french and not completely billingual I guess, so it's normal if some of my words are hard to understand. Do not hesitate to tell me if there's any huge errors! I hope you liked it anyway ! ^ O ^