Irene was fine.

            Her heart felt hollow, as she dipped the small brush in the dark paint, before smearing it on the blank canvas; her hand that held the brush moving in precise . Her lamp shone upon her work, whilst her purple curtains were closed and her apartment doors were locked and silence engulfed her-with the exception of the light sounds that the brush made while moving and came in contact with the canvas.

            The twenty-six years old woman followed her hand with her cold and icy, brown eyes, her eyebrows scrunched up in deep thought and her lips were pouty and trembling. In the far corner of the spacy room, were clothed-covered artworks, paintings that Irene never wants to see.

…

“Joohyun unnie!” The eight-year-old twirled around to find a girl three years younger than her, with short, black and bouncy hair and a bright smile on her face. “Seungwan-ah.” Joohyun’s voice was soft and shy, and yet endearing at the same time, making Seungwan want to come closer. “Unnie, I missed you so, so, so much!” She shuffled towards Joohyun before hugging her with chubby and adorable arms as she rubbed her face against the older girl. Joohyun laughed before kissing the forehead of the little one.

Seungwan was Joohyun’s only friend. But Joohyun thinks it’s alright. They played together and had fun, always laughing happily and cheerfully doing almost everything when they were together.

“Joohyun unnie…” Sadness resonated from Seungwan’s low voice, no longer the voice that Joohyun knew. “What is it, Wan-ah?” That was the first time Joohyun had her heart broken.

“I’m going to Canada with eomma and appa.”

…

            Joohyun gripped the brush tightly in her hand, frozen in place. She took a shaky breath before staring at the canvas, negative emotions radiating from it. Pain. Hurt. Brokenness. In the back of her mind, she thought of tearing the painting apart before throwing it in the trash, never again will it see daylight. But instead, she continued, smudging the line and the edges, sharpening the features, her eyes staring into the soulless ones that stared back at her and Irene bitterly laughed.

            “Don’t cry, Joohyun unnie! I’m going to cry too!” Seungwan’s voice was trembling as Joohyun cried louder, her body feeling like a tremor of an earthquake. “Please don’t cry, unnie. I hate seeing you cry…” “B-But what if we never see each other again?” Joohyun choked out her words, tears dripping from her face as Seungwan furiously wiped it away with her small hands and failing miserably. “Unnie…” “W-Wan-ah, all I have is you…” Seungwan reached out to pat Joohyun’s flushed cheeks, “Unnie, that’s not true.”

            Seungwan thought for a moment, Joohyun’s quiet sobs echoing around the room they were in. Ten more minutes before they’d be picking Seungwan up and how the two might never see each other again. “Tell you what, unnie, why don’t I give you a nickname?”

“A n-n-nickname? But you always call me Hyun-unnie.”

“Yeah! I’ll give you a nickname! Something so you can remember me by, since I don’t have anything else to give.” Seungwan scratched the back of her neck nervously and in embarrassment. Joohyun sniffed before slowly nodding, agreeing to the younger girl’s wish. “O-Okay.”

“I’ll call you…”

And Seungwan smiles.

“Irene unnie.”

…

“Goodbye, Unnie.”

…

            A loud clatter was heard throughout the apartment that Irene owned, as the bottles of paint and paint brushes fell to the floor, Irene resting back on her chair, sweat trickling down her face. She took a deep breath, her eyes glancing at the covered up paintings in her room. And Irene smiles. “I’m fine.”

“I’m fine because I’m blaming you for everything.” She whispers to herself, her eyes lingering on the paint of two little girls, little Irene frowning in the picture, as Seungwan smiled happily, their hands intertwined. And then, confusion hits her. Why was she blaming Seungwan, again?

Irene could have sworn Seungwan’s eyes stared back at her and all she felt was malice. Everybody leaves. You started it.

“Why?” Irene choked out.

A tall boy turned back to look at her blankly. His eyes expressionless, and his lips a thin line. He sighed, “What do you mean, ‘Why?’” Irene tried holding back the sob, knowing how loud she’d cry especially in the middle of an underground, empty roadway. “Why are we breaking up? Did I do something wrong, Taehyung?”

“…You didn’t, Irene.”

            Taehyung took a shaky breath before closing his eyes, perturbing Irene even more. “Irene…I don’t think we’re working out.”

…

            “I don’t think your face here is working out either.” Irene scoffed, almost having the desire to smear the recently painted face of her ex-boyfriend. She must be crazy because no one should be painting about painful memories.

But it’s her only outlet so the darkness won’t envelop her as a whole; so that she won’t feel it seeping into her very core and then maybe finally being able to move on.

            She laughs at herself, tasting the bitterness of the pent-up emotions she had long kept at bay.

            “No! Please, I’ll work harder! Taehyung don’t leave me!” Irene pleaded, her eyes wide and teary, her lips trembling and pale, as her arms stretched out just to pull the man closer but Taehyung harshly pulled away from her. “Don’t touch me.” His voice was low, icy and cold and yet underneath these emotions, Irene thought that he was hesitating. “Why…?”

“If I have to be honest, Irene…I found someone better.”

            There’s nothing wrong with her. Irene refuses to believe that something is wrong with her. It wasn’t her fault. Taehyung just didn’t love her the way she did.

“Irene, I believe you never did love me.”

“What are you talking about? Taehyung, I did! I’m sure I did!”

            Taehyung raised his head, locking eyes with the woman. “Did you really? I confessed to you, Irene…But I think you only accepted because you were lonely.” Irene found her shoes interesting, unable to stare back at Taehyung and deny the accusation.

But unsurprisingly, she blurted out, “Then shouldn’t you stay? At least for my sake?”

“Don’t take me for a fool!” Taehyung shouted in frustration, but it didn’t even unnerve Irene.

            “I thought, ‘Hey, maybe she’ll learn to love me! Maybe I could help her!’ But then I realized, I can’t help you! You have to help yourself! And I don’t want to continue being hurt in the process!”

            During that time, Irene was already receiving therapy from her psychiatrist. She was bored of it, the monsters creeping in her head didn’t even die, one bit. Instead, they even multiplied. Irene…

There was no more Joohyun.

Joohyun is far beyond being saved.

“The world is so gray.”

That is why Irene should paint it with colors.

            “You have Dissociative Identity Disorder.”

            Joohyun’s lips formed a thin line. The psychiatrist was already in deep thought, not aware that Joohyun already knew about it. Irene and Joohyun.” “We have to find the cause of this.” What was the cause? Irene, the quiet, shy and reserved personality and Joohyun, the depressed, manipulative antisocial main personality, who would people want to save?

            Joohyun stood up, glancing at the rectangular, blue clock in the corner of the room. There was thirty more minutes left. But nothing left worth Joohyun’s time. “I don’t want to continue this anymore.” Blunt and sharp, she gazed at the psychiatrist who raised his brows.

“Irene-sshi, I know that this might be overwhelming but-”

“I don’t want to be cured.” Joohyun pressed on, gritting her teeth together.

“I appreciate it sir, but I don’t want to continue these sessions.”

There’s no use in trying to help someone who doesn’t want to or plan to help themselves.

            Irene hummed to herself, swaying to the music while she arranged the paintings by date; the first one being with Seungwan and Irene tries harder to remember more about the woman. The second one…

            “Appa, who is that woman?” Joohyun sat closer to her father and whispered these words, and her father shook her head, placing a finger on Joohyun’s lips. “Don’t tell your mother, okay? Aren’t we allies?” Ten-year-old Joohyun widened her eyes, witnessing the scene in front of her; the stranger wrapping her hands around Joohyun’s father’s neck and her father wasn’t even rejecting her.

“Sweetie, I trust you okay?”

“Y….Yes…appa…”

            “I’d like to break your neck.” Joohyun stared angrily at her father’s eyes, the ones she had inherited as well. So much hate. So much malice. She sighed, before letting Irene place the painting next to Seungwan's.

            “Appa, could you sign my card?”

            Joohyun approached her father carefully, while her father sat outside in the veranda, enjoying the warmth of the sun. Joohyun loved her father very much. He keeps on taking her with him to meet other women, continuing his affairs and Joohyun started to worry about her mother.

            And once again, the helper that they’ve hired approached her father seductively, her fingers tracing the fabric of Mr. Bae’s polo shirt. Mr. Bae glanced at the woman before turning to Joohyun, who hung her head low, “Appa, Eomma will be hurt…” She muttered to herself. Her father frowned. “I told you not to tell your mother.”

“But what you’re doing is wrong, Appa.” Tears started forming at the corner of her eyes, as she stopped herself from saying more, scared that her father might retaliate. “Just give me the card, already Joohyun.” He was obviously frustrated by what Joohyun was telling him. A child. Telling an adult about what is wrong or right.

“Look at these grades! I cannot believe you’re this idiotic, Joohyun! Such a shame.”

…

            “How was I able to paint this without crying…?” Irene frowned at herself, raising the family portrait she had created, the last family picture they had taken when they were complete and happy.

…

            “Appa! Appa, don’t leave us! Don’t leave me, appa!” Joohyun struggled to get out of her mom’s tight grip as her hands tried to reach for her father, who stared at her soullessly, while his arms were wrapped around a woman-their former helper’s-waist. He turned away, before quickly walking off, while his stuff slowly disappeared from their house. “Appa! Aren’t we allies?!” Joohyun screamed.

“Don’t leave me! Please don’t leave us, appa!”

Why did this have to happen?

Joohyun had done nothing but be a good girl. She had trusted and loved her parents very much.

            She remembers the yelling and fighting she had heard from inside her room, she wasn’t dense to not see that her parents’ marriage was breaking. But she wished that they should have known how their child was also feeling.

            “I can’t take this anymore. I can’t.” Irene whispered to herself. Her feelings were overwhelming her, the sadness and hatred was consuming her and she didn’t know why or where these feelings were rooted.

            Breathlessly and trembling, she took her phone and dialed a friend.

“Hello, Seohyun-sshi? Who was that psychologist friend of yours? Make an appointment for me.”