A distant memory

“What is love for you?” a boy I don’t recognize asked me. I turned to him with furrowed eye brows, questioning him through my stare.

Who is he? He’s wearing a toga, just like me, so I know he’s from the same school and the same grade. Maybe we’re from the same class, I don’t know. All I know is that this is the first time I’ve seen him.

“excuse me?” I asked. He merely smiled at me and extended his hand.

“Kim Jong-in” he said. I looked at him for a second, studying him.

This boy standing before me, he’s oozing with confidence. The way he stands and holds himself, it’s evident that he’s the type of person who has no problem expressing his thoughts. He’s also easy in the eye, a lot of girls must’ve fallen for that pretty face and gorgeous smile.

Which is why it is completely perplexing to me why a guy like him is talking to a girl like me. Not that it’s a crime nor is it bad, it’s just that it’s weird that a somebody like him (possibly), is talking to a nobody like me. It’s definitely weird.

“are you gonna shake my hand or are you just gonna leave me hanging?” Jong-in snapped me out of my thoughts. When I looked at him, he’s still smiling at me with his hands extended.

“sorry about that” I said, embarrassed that I spaced out (which is by the way, one of my many talents) yet again. “I’m –“

“Bae Suji” he finished for me. “I know. We were in the same class last year”

My eyes widened in disbelief. For real!? Why do I not remember him? If this is not embarrassing, I don’t know what is. Secretly, I scour the corners of my brain for any memory of him but comes up with nothing. I’m clueless as to who this guy is, I just hope I did good in hiding it.

“Those round eyes clearly says that you don’t remember me.”

I guess not. Screw you brain for being forgetful.

I hung my head low out of embarrassment making him laugh. “it’s okay, we didn’t have any direct contact so it’s understandable and you sort of keep to yourself so I get why you don’t see me looking at you every time we occupy the same room”.

His blunt confession left me speechless. Did I say that he has no problem expressing his thoughts? Well that definitely solidify my assumption of him. I don’t know how but the way he said it with ease is beyond me. If I were him, I would probably be keeping that thought to myself till the day I die.

“Speechless?” he asked and I nodded. He all but shrugged and looked far ahead. “sorry for ambushing you with my bluntness, but I can’t, for the life of me, let you walk away without knowing who I am.”

I stared at him, like really stared at him for the first time since he approached me. He looked back at me, his face all serious and devoid of any mischievousness. “My name is Kim Jong-in, and I’ve liked you for a year now Bae Suji. And I’m really dying to get to know you more. For you to get to know me more” and just like that, Kim Jong-in wriggled his way into my life.

~◌◌◌◌~

I was awoken by the sudden jolt when the car I’m riding stopped. Slowly, I opened my eyes, squinting at the sudden intrusion of light. It took me a few seconds to take in my surrounding. I’m at the airport.

“wakey wakey sleeping beauty, we’re here.” My brother said as he steps out of the driver seat. I stretch out my limbs, waking up every muscle and fiber in my body before climbing out of the car, just in time to catch my brother unloading my luggage from the trunk. “good now that you’re awake, would you mind helping me unload your luggage?” he emphasized and I rolled my eyes at his pettiness.

“oh I’m gonna miss your pettiness you big pain in the ” I said as I help him  unload my bags.

“I know you’re gonna miss more than just my pettiness you weirdo.” He shot back as he unload the last of my luggage. “well that’s the last of it!”

“you’re right I’m gonna miss kicking your in just dance and call of duty” I smiled triumphantly as he grimace at the memory.

“for the record, you just got lucky”

“I beat your at every game night, I call that skilled” I can’t help but laugh at the memory of Ji-hoon’s flabbergasted face every time I beat him at his favorite game. I beat him every single time and yet he still has the same reaction.

“you’re a cheater” he said refusing to admit defeat.

“sure, whatever floats your boat buddy.” I say with a smirk. He just rolled his eyes at me and mouthed a ‘whatever’. Ah! Boys and their ego. “go get a trolley” I told him with a smile and he unwillingly obliged.

This is definitely one of the things that I will miss the most. Me and my brother’s banter. It’s what comprises my mornings, evenings and sometimes, the in between of our days. To say that my brother and I argue a lot is an understatement. We argue at almost everything, even the pettiest things like if whether white sauce pastas tastes better than red or which version of superman is much better, the one who wears his brief outside his suit or the modern one who wears his brief inside. But despite the constant bickering, I wouldn’t have anyone for a brother, other than him. Our constant bickering and competition is what makes us, us.

Ji-hoon and I have a 2 years age difference, with me being the older one. But despite that, he is my bestfriend, my confidante, my protector. He’s the one who knows and understand me the best and I to him. So despite his best effort to hide the fact that my decision is breaking his heart, I can still see right through him. I can see how this is slowly tearing him apart and it’s doing the same thing to me. But it needs to be done, otherwise, I’ll be ruining our family; and that’s what breaks my heart the most.

I see him returning with his head hung low while pushing the trolley. Looking at him, my tears starts to well up but I quickly brush it away and compose myself. My brother is trying his best to keep it together, I should do the same.

“Quickly slow poke! We don’t have forever!” I shout with masked cheerfulness. He looked up at me and playfully rolled his eyes as he picked up his speed.

“Yes Queen Suji! Forgive your humble servant for being slow” he mocked with fake medieval accent as he halted before me.

“you’re forgiven, now load my bags before I call the guards to take you away and be executed” I played along changing my stance to that of a royalty, with my head held up high and fingers flicked.

He simply shake his head while picking up my luggage. “hurry up and help me or I’ll leave you here to carry all these to the check in counter by yourself”

I laughed before helping him. I’m definitely gonna miss this.

~◌◌◌◌~

“and that’s the last of it” my brother said with a grunt as he load the last of my luggage to the check in counter. “are you sure you got everything that you need?” he asked turning on his protective brother mode.

“Yep” I said popping the ‘P’

“you got your passport? Cellphone? Wallet?” he went on mentioning every single item that I might possibly need while I nod at his every word. This is one of the rare moments that my brother full on displays his love for me. I know that he worry about me all the time he just doesn’t show it often, and so if he does, I treasure that memory to the heart.

“stop worrying about me. I’ll be fine” I assure him.

“I know you will be. You’re strong. But I’m still your brother and I don’t think I’ll ever stop worrying about you” he said with full sincerity. Sometime my brother tends to act like he’s the older one. Not that I’m complaining about it, I actually find it very sweet.

Suddenly it dawned on me that the time to part is slowly coming. All emotions that I tried to hide comes surfacing that it’s almost unbearable to hold back, I can see that it’s also the same for him. I can see it as I look into his eyes, this is breaking his heart.

“I’m sorry I have to do this” I tell him as I caress his cheeks. Soon, I won’t being seeing him face to face anymore.

“I know.” He said leaning into my hand, feeling my touch. “I’m sorry I can’t protect you. I’m sorry I can’t stop you from leaving” his voice quiver from trying to stop himself from crying. “some brother I am”

“it’s not your fault”

“neither is it yours.” He said looking into my eyes. “it was an accident, you were just there at the wrong place at the wrong time, yet you’re the one paying the consequences.”

Memories of the incident starts resurfacing and I had to close my eyes shut to keep it in. “it still doesn’t change the fact that I could’ve done something to stop it.”

“she will come around one day. I know it”

Will she? Will she ever forgive me for what happened? Will she ever forgive me for taking away the most precious gem in her life?

“and until then, I’ll stay away. Until then.” I say letting a single tear slid down my cheeks. Ji-hoon pulls me into a hug, squeezing my shoulders.

“until then, I’ll be waiting for your return” he said as we pulled away and smiled at each other. “take care of yourself while you’re there.”

“the same goes for you” I said with a matching smile like him “take care of mom and dad for me okay?” he sadly nodded his head. I tapped his shoulder as form of goodbye coz I didn’t have it in me to utter the words and as I slowly walk away tears started to slide down my cheeks one after the other.

“try to practice playing call of duty so that when I come back you might actually be worthy to go against me!” I shouted to him and he simply laughed and waved me farewell. I finally turned to leave but stopped dead on my tracks when I heard him call out my name. “what is it?”

He jogged closer to me, he seemed to be hesitating for a few seconds. “I just. I can’t help but wonder. A while ago in the car, while you were sleeping. I heard you call out his name. Were you dreaming about him? Again?”

I thought for a second whether to answer him truthfully. But then again there’s no use of hiding it anymore, he caught me red handed.

“yes” I said. “but it was a good dream” I quickly added when I see his face contort with worry. And it was a good dream. Not like the ones I dream about. This was a good but sad dream. A memory.

“you know you will have to forget about him one day. You will have to forgive yourself.”

I don’t know if that day will ever come. I can never forgive myself nor can I forget him. Maybe this is my punishment, maybe I’m never meant nor am I allowed to forget about him. Maybe he was my cross to carry for the rest of my life.

“I know. It was just a dream of a distant memory. You don’t have anything to worry about” I tell Ji-hoon, smiling at him, assuring him, lying to him. “Now go. Mom is waiting for you”   

He reluctantly walk away from “Call me as soon as you land” he calls out and I nodded at him and waved.

I watched him until his figure got smaller and smaller, until he’s hidden by the sea of people buzzing around the airport. Only then did I let my tears fall from my eyes freely, walking while silently crying, grieving for my breaking heart.

My heart is breaking, not only because I’m leaving my family behind, but also because of a distant memory that haunts me every time I close my eyes.