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“Where did things became so complicated?”

Hanbin ruffled his hair in frustration. He was once again stuck inside his personal studio, completely alone in the middle of the night. This was already considered as a normal occurrence, locking himself in his studio to write a number of verses. This time however, he was not there to write songs or compose a melody; he was there to lament at his lost chances.

He picked his phone that was constantly ringing-- there were missed calls and texts from s, but they were mostly from Jinhwan. It’s understandable though, it’s already late and weather forecast from earlier said that rain will pour hard at night. Hanbin turned off his phone, without even bothering to reply to any of them.

“Jinhwan must have been so worried again.”, Hanbin muses. “I’ll come back after a few hours but for now…. I need to be alone.” He moved at his position in front of his table and lied on the small sofa at the corner of his studio. He placed his arm on his eyes, feeling the tears that was threatening to fall. Hanbin let himself cry on that night, his sorrowful cries and heart wrenching sobs echoing inside the studio.

Who knew loving someone could be this painful?

Hanbin and Jinhwan has always been together. They were there from the start, even before the formation of Triple Kim.

Hanbin had been the youngest trainee when he first came to YG. He was young, but ambitious. He was full of potential. CEO Yang had even described him as a ‘diamond in the making’, phrases that would make anyone feel proud of themselves, but for young Hanbin, it was a huge burden.

He was not the friendliest person out there, too shy to even initiate a conversation. It didn’t help him that all trainees were at least 2-3 years older than him, and by that time, rumors circulated around the trainees that he was YG’s favorite; on top of that, he looked intimidating without even doing anything. Trainees were competitive, it’s a survival every day, so Hanbin just let it be, isolating himself from others during breaks, when other trainees would gather around and talk.

Three monthly evaluations later, he was summoned to go to the office, alone.

He’s in the middle of practicing a choreography along with a few trainees, when someone came in and announce that he was needed in the office. Hanbin racked his brain for any possible reasons, or if he made any grave mistakes, but he’s been doing well since he came in the company 3 months ago. Confused and a little bothered, Hanbin followed the man on their way to the office.

When Hanbin cautiously opened the door, he was surprised to see another teenager inside.

He was taller than he was by a few inches, and his eyes were small. The said boy looked up when Hanbin entered the room, and he politely bowed to greet him. Still confused at the situation, Hanbin returned the greeting.

The man in front of them, one of the high rank managers in the company, explained to them that from then on, they will train together as a pair. In addition to that, they will move on a new small dorm to live together. Hanbin bit his lips at the sudden announcement, and glanced back at the boy beside him to observe his reaction. He was wearing a neutral expression, but judging by the small frown on his face and the way he was sweating a lot inside the airconditioned room, Hanbin was sure that he was not the only one uncomfortable.

The man asked if they still have any questions left, but that usually meant that they don’t have a say on this matter, so both shook their heads no. The man nodded again before they were dismissed.

Once outside, Hanbin only noticed the small luggage that the boy was carrying with him. They still didn’t exchange any words aside from the greetings earlier, and he still didn’t know the boy’s name that he would be living together with, from now on.

They were having a staring contest, when the boy extended his hand for a handshake.

“I’m Kim Jinhwan, 17, from Jeju Island.”

Hanbin raised his hand to meet Jinhwan’s halfway, and despite how clammy and small his hand was, it strangely fits just fine with Hanbin’s.

“Kim Hanbin, 15. Nice to meet you Jinhwan-ssi.”

It’s tough to live with practically a stranger, but after a few weeks, Hanbin warmed up to him. A lot. Hanbin also developed a habit, hands always seeking Jinhwan’s small ones, and arms slung around his shoulders. Jinhwan never complained about it, so Hanbin never stopped doing it. He didn’t know why he like to do it though, he just felt like he needed to touch Jinhwan whenever he was around. Instead of refusing the excessive skinship, Jinhwan encourages it, and Hanbin was beyond satisfied.

Jinhwan has this comfortable aura around him that makes him likeable. He was mostly calm as opposed with Hanbin’s temper, and most importantly, he took great care of him. It was like having an older brother and a mother at the same time.

“Jinhwanie Hyung~ cook me some ramen?” Hanbin blinked his eyes cutely at Jinhwan who was watching TV at their living room. Upon receiving no response, he draped his arms around him and wiggled a little to catch his attention. This was a successful attempt, since Jinhwan finally peeled his eyes away from the television to look at the pouting boy beside him. Hanbin blinked some more, before Jinhwan yielded at his request.

“Fine you brat.” Jinhwan ruffled Hanbin’s hair affectionately before standing up to go to the kitchen. Hanbin ignored the butterflies as it fluttered inside his stomach. He was just hungry.

Trainees were used by it now; if Jinhwan was around, they were sure Hanbin was nearby. At first, it was a huge shock to see Hanbin acting like his actual age, laughing freely at Jinhwan’s joke and acting all clingy, instead of the usual stoic and frowning boy. It’s a scene they could never imagine before, but now, it’s a normal thing.

Hanbin and Jinhwan grew closer as months passed by. They didn’t have anyone to rely to, so they depended a lot on each other. If Hanbin was a strong trainee before, with Jinhwan now, they were stronger. They were solid, their teamwork was the best, so it came as a surprise when the company added another member to train with them as well.

He was named Bobby and he’s from America. After the initial awkward introduction, he left to work on his lyrics. Jinhwan was the friendly one between them, so he let the elder talk to the new trainee.

Initially, Hanbin was jealous because Jinhwan’s attention wasn’t solely focused on him now with the addition of another trainee, but he pushed his trivial feelings aside in order for their team to work. It took them around a month to be comfortable to work as a trio, and when they did, their group was unbeatable.

Since they received their first praise as a trio, Hanbin decided to fully accept the fact that it wasn’t just Jinhwan and him now. Bobby was included now, and Hanbin likes his company. (he still likes Jinhwan more though) With Bobby now, Hanbin finally have someone to talk to about rap lyrics, and sometimes, to plan an attack to tease their eldest hyung.

A few more evaluations after, with them receiving nothing but praises, they became greedy. They wanted more, and they felt like their dream that was unreachable before, was now within at arm’s length. They only have to work harder to achieve it.

And that’s what they did.

They tire themselves out, practicing the same routines every day, singing and rapping the same song until their throats bleed out. They needed to make everything perfect, and Hanbin, as their leader, needed to make sure of that. He shouted fiercely over the music when he saw mistakes, stopping it for a moment to demonstrate it again. At dorm, they were far too exhausted to interact, and Hanbin was missing the times when they still have to squabble over something while Jinhwan tried to calm them down. He missed Jinhwan’s laughter and Bobby’s teasing remarks, but Hanbin knew that it’s all for the better. He released a tired sigh as he softly closed their dorm door. He still has to go back to the studio to monitor their performance again and to think of ways to improve.

It was the worst. The result of their monthly evaluation was the worst that Hanbin ever heard since he became a trainee. It hurts to hear them question about their sincerity in doing this, when it’s clear how much effort they gave every time they perform. They literally gave their all-- their blood, sweat and tears in this performance, and to receive a negative feedback was beyond painful. The panel were all saying how tired they all look. Hanbin peeked at Bobby’s dark eyebags and slumped shoulders, and Jinhwan’s dull spark on his usually bright eyes, and Hanbin thought that everything was his fault. Hanbin ruined them.

The ride back home was a silent one. Hanbin had his head hung low, too ashamed to even look at his teammates.

“I failed them,” Hanbin thought, “I don’t deserve to have the leader title.”

When they got home, Hanbin immediately changed his clothes and went out to go back to his studio without saying a single word. He’s been thinking a lot, he even forgot to dress warmly, when it’s snowing outside.

Hanbin was crying alone on his studio when he heard the door open. He hastily wiped his tears away and grabbed his pen and paper, to look like he was busy writing something.

He had his back turned against the visitor when a scarf was wrapped around his neck and a calming scent penetrated his nostrils. Hot packs were slid on his front sweater pocket, and before the visitor could retrieve his hand, Hanbin caught it.

The small hand and calming scent could only belong to one person-- Jinhwan-hyung came.

 Hanbin turned his chair around and burrowed his head on Jinhwan’s stomach. He had his arms wrapped around Jinhwan’s waist as he cried. “ stereotypes and saying boys’ can’t cry.” Hanbin angrily thought. “Jinhwan hyung is here and just by his mere existence, I could feel my resolve crumbling.”

 They stayed like that for a while, with Jinhwan standing as he gently massaged Hanbin’s scalp and Hanbin crying his hearts out on his stomach. They stayed on each other’s embrace, until Hanbin calmed down.

Hanbin unwrapped his arms around Jinhwan’s mid-section and Jinhwan pulled him so they could sit side by side at the sofa. Hanbin noticed the wet patch on Jinhwan’s hoodie and he felt embarrassed for crying like that. Out of habit, Hanbin cradled Jinhwan’s hand, playing with his nimble fingers and his smooth palm. Jinhwan laid his head on his shoulder, and Hanbin tried not to obviously blush.

“Are you going to talk about it?” Jinhwan said after a while.

“I failed you and Bobby hyung. I’m sorry.”

Jinhwan lifted his head and turned to fully look at Hanbin, who had his head hung low.

“What?”

Jinhwan was a good listener. He listened attentively as Hanbin spilled all his worries, his regrets and thoughts. Jinhwan never interrupted him while he talked, but he still gave small replies to know that he was still listening. Hanbin talked about everything that he felt about being the leader, the pressure that he has ever since he joined YG, and the fleeting thought of giving up. By the end of his speech, Hanbin felt like the weights on shoulders were lifted a little.

“You know you’re not at fault.” Jinhwan finally replied after a few minutes of silence. “You were probably not the best lea