“sound”. adjective. meaning: in good condition; not damaged, injured, or diseased.

taemin tosses his bag to the floor as he steps in, his shoes soon to follow.

“minho’s out back.”  he pauses, looking at gwiboon at the kitchen table.  she was smoking again: a bad day.  he opens his mouth to ask but she beats him to the question.  “it’s just him.”  he nods & walks across the room to the back door, pushing the screen aside with ease.  it is chilly & the yard is damp but the chairs are dry.  he sits in an empty one next to minho who hands him the bowl.  the burn when he inhales is familiar, almost calming, & he relaxes as he breathes out the smoke.

jinki arrives an hour later.  taemin asks him to join him on the back deck while minho & gwiboon talk inside.   jinki hesitates, glancing between minho & gwiboon & back at taemin before saying “sure, let me just grab a drink”, turning to lean into the refrigerator & pull a glass bottle from its depths.  the back door glides open with ease & the chairs are cool as they sit together & jinki begins to drink.

“gwiboon always asks me if i’m happy but never answers when i ask her if she is.”  the drink jinki takes is much longer than necessary, drawn out by hesitation as the bottle reaches his lips.

“it’s complicated.”  glancing over, almost as an afterthought he adds, “it has nothing to with you.” 

“oh.  good.”  it hadn’t actually occurred to him to think it might.

“you being here has actually helped, I think.”

“really?”  another long drink & jinki’s staring out at the yard.

“yeah.”  there’s more, there’s so much more taemin’s supposed to be told but jinki isn’t telling him.  the memory of loving & being loved by someone as much as jinki loves gwiboon tugs at his heart & he’s distracted enough by the thought to forget the things he shouldn’t say.     

“you remind me of jonghyun.”  jinki immediately bristles & his narrowed eyes are not kind. 

“your ex-boyfriend?”

“yeah.”

“he got drunk & he hit you.”  taemin nods & turns away, staring out at the yard & the unsettlingly white fence that divides gwiboon’s grass from the neighbors’.    

“sometimes, yeah.  not always.  it was good before it was bad & sometimes it was good while it was bad.  you remind me of the good things.  & i want to remember the good things, i need to remember the good things.  if i don’t i build up hate & i’m not strong enough to carry that burden.  & i shouldn’t have to.”  he catches jinki nodding & hears him take a sip.  he turns then because he needs to see jinki’s face.  gwiboon wouldn’t forgive this confession but jinki might.  “i loved him.  i still do.  is that weird?”  jinki leans back in his chair & stares at the bottle in his hand.

“no,” he says with a careless shrug, “i still love mine.”  he squints & rubs his face, glancing at taemin before turning back towards the yard.  “my mom.  every day: get drunk, beat me, pass out.  rinse & repeat.”  the bottle touches his lips & then falls back to his lap.  “our minds aren’t meant to bear that much pain & it finds ways to convince us that it isn’t real, that they actually love us.  & maybe they do.  but they love something else more.  it’s always something else; alcohol, gambling, , themselves, money, sorrow.  it’s always something.  they’re broken in their own way & they don’t know how not to break everyone else around them as well.  it’s cyclical if it’s not caught.  we’re lucky, you & i.  we’re inoculated now.  it’s like chicken pox.”  a little snort & then the bob of his adam’s apple as another sip is poured down his throat.  taemin watches silently & wonders why jinki drinks when his mother did but decides it’s no different than gwiboon smoking or the pipe in minho’s bag. 

“you should ask minho out.”  he chokes on air & glances at jinki who’s still staring out at the yard.

“did gwiboon tell you?”  the smile jinki flashes him is brilliant & followed by the warmth of his laughter.

“you’re hardly subtle.”

“sorry.”

“why?”

“he’s your boyfriend.”

“he’s our boyfriend, mine & gwiboon’s.  besides, finding a person attractive isn’t something you should apologize for.”

“feels weird.”

“ok.”

“...do you think he’d say yes?”  he chuckles himself as jinki bursts into laughter.

~

taemin runs next to minho as they sprint through the park.  he has never been here before & keeping his eyes on a path he is unfamiliar with is nearly as distracting as the shirt that grows tighter on minho’s body the sweatier he gets.  it was strange how now that he had a name for the way he felt about men how aware he was of every instance of attraction.  minho’s body was beautiful; so strong & toned & his golden skin glowed.  even now, his cheeks were flush with exertion & little curls formed around his ears as the hair was infused with sweat.  his limbs were absurdly long & almost spindly & just now when he flashed a grin at taemin his little teeth gave him a childish look.

he was attractive.  & taemin was attracted to him.  he wanted to hold him, to be held by him, to kiss him, & maybe do a little more.  but he didn’t want to have with him.  whatever happened, him “saying yes because he had no reason to say no” was never going to be an aspect of their relationship.  even now with the running: he had a million reasons to say no to minho asking if he’d like to join him for a run.  but he had one very important reason to say yes.

he moves up onto the grass near the fountain & stretches his legs while they each catch their breath. 

“how are you doing?”

“good.”

“ready for more?”

“ready.”  minho winks & takes off, taemin trotting quickly behind.

when they finish their run, taemin leans into a stretch while minho drinks from his bottle & he watches the double-adam’s apple bob with every gulp.

“would you like to go on a date sometime?  with me?”  minho smiles with puffed cheeks & he laughs when he swallows.

“this doesn’t count?”

“oh.  uh...”  a burst of laughter & a nod & minho’s saying “yes, i’d like to go on a date with you.”

taemin is broke but minho is not so they compromise & their first date is spent in the apartment minho lives in with jinki playing video games & eating ordered pizza.  a shared competitive streak keeps their eyes off each other longer than anticipated but it’s still not been an hour before taemin’s in minho’s lap, their tongues mingling, fingers brushing through hair & up & down sides, muscled backs.  taemin didn’t realize how much he had been missing until this moment when he knew that every touch would not come with a price, that he would be safe & that this would be all he would be asked to do.  & how much he had missed being kissed & caressed.

they spend the night in a bundle of blankets on the ground, minho’s head against the armrest of the sofa & taemin’s head in his lap with video controllers still clutched in their hands as they sleep.

~

the first time taemin sees a christmas tree he flinches.  it’s a beautiful evergreen sitting in a store window decorated in white & ivory spheres, glittering lights, & silver tinsel.  the beauty of it is breath-taking but the holiday it represents casts a shadow.  his eyes fall to the ground & he kicks at the snow a little before looking back up.  the pockets of his coat are full of his fists when he finally walks away.

“do you have any traditions?”  gwiboon looks up from her book.  the papasan engulfs her & she looks tiny against its frame; feet tucked up beneath her & both hands clutching the top of her hardback.

“like what?”

“dinner?  gifts?  church?  tree?  stuff like that.”

“sort of.  we usually go to the chinese place down the road & the guys come to service with me that morning.  well, minho comes.  jinki sits in the foyer with his phone.”  a little half-smile & a shrug & then a look of confusion.

“why?”

“i sort of...we...i have some things i like to do at christmas.  & i just...”  the book closes & rests in her lap as she leans forward.

“tell me.”

the cookies are made from scratch as is the cocoa because minho & gwiboon actually do care about the quality of their snacks.  there’s no room for a real tree so instead thin rope is hung with snaps to hold all the little notes they want to write to each other.  gwiboon insists that everyone write a note to everyone so that there is no imbalance when advent ends.  the men nod as she speaks & then turn to each other once she leaves & they all agree to write her two notes for every one they write each other: she laughs when she sees that her jar is twice the size of their three.

when it’s time to go to service taemin hesitates & almost backs out.  years have passed but a religious upbringing is hard to shake & he still thinks of himself as a sinner though it was he who was sinned against.  ten minutes in & he’s back out in the foyer with jinki staring at the wall while jinki taps on his phone.  at least he tried.  the sweet & sour chicken at lunch takes off the edge & when they get home that night the experience is all but forgotten.

~

it’s not their first kiss but it is their first new year’s kiss & if he’s lucky this is the same man he’ll ring in the new year with next time the ball drops in times square.  it’s a messy giggly affair with gwiboon kissing jinki & minho kissing taemin followed by minho kissing jinki & gwiboon kissing taemin’s cheek; jinki & taemin shake hands while minho & gwiboon have the final kiss.  jinki stays in gwiboon’s room & minho falls asleep in taemin’s bed: it’s too cold & too dark to drive.  he looks at his jar of notes in the morning when the truck pulls away & smiles.

~

taemin lays on the bed & watches minho’s forehead crinkle in concentration as he twists his tablet to the left & then to the right, his lips tight & wonders what kind of man he is.  he has ideas but he wonders if there are secrets that minho keeps.  maybe even ones he keeps from himself.  taemin’s learned so much about himself in such a brief period that he wonders if everyone isn’t walking around with secrets they don’t realize they’re carrying. 

it's just them in the apartment; jinki took gwiboon out of town for valentine’s day & it’s still two days before they’re expected back.  taemin was indignant at first at minho’s lack of invitation but his boyfriend had just ruffled his hair & laughed & explained that “valentine’s isn’t for people like us.  it’s for saps like those two.” & pointed at jinki & gwiboon who just rolled their eyes & snuggled in closer.

“i want to do something.”  the game has been dropped on a side table & minho’s laugh warms taemin’s ears as he brings their faces together & kisses taemin’s lips.

“i want to...”  he tilts his head down & looks at taemin through his lashes, whispering his request almost too softly for taemin to hear.  he swallows because he doesn’t like that, didn’t even let jonghyun do it to him when things were still beautiful between them, the reason his lips & fingers weren’t allowed below his hips.  eunsook did that.  it’s interwoven with fear & anger & he doesn’t like the way it makes him feel.  or rather he does & that makes it worse.  perhaps it’s written on his face because minho’s eyebrows are furrowing & he’s murmuring something to taemin that the blood pounding in his ears is making it impossible to hear.

“what?”

“we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.  sorry if i made you uncomfortable.”  he leans in & kisses taemin’s cheek & lays back down on the bed, smiling up at him.  taemin stays upright for a moment, just looking at his boyfriend before lying down beside him, watching him in wonder.  kindness in is no longer an unfamiliar concept, & even his input being received so calmly isn’t wholly new.  but it still confuses him & he’s enamored with the action.  his fingers reach out & play with minho’s, looking at their fingertips touch before glancing back up.

“maybe.  i just...”  he stops & watches minho’s face.  he wants to tell him, but he’s never told anyone, not even jonghyun, not even jongin.  jongin never knew he & eunsook were cousins, always assumed that they were a couple & in a sense they were.  the power dynamic between them, however, was never built on love, trust, or respect.  it was built on dominance & fear, a submission born of youth & a loss of hope; saying “yes” because it was safer than saying “no”.

“i was surprised.”  he leans forward & kisses minho on the nose, watches him for a moment, & then kisses him on the mouth.  there’s something about this man that makes him willing to take risks he’s navigated away from for years.  he does want to try.  & not for minho but for himself.  memories of the past are interfering with the formation of ones in the present & he’s tired of them having so much control: he wants to be able to make choices without the fingerprints of abuse holding him back.

“are you sure?”

“yes.”

he swallows as minho moves down & his lips as minho begins ing his jeans.  the sound the zipper makes is violently loud in his ears & he does his best to focus on the way he feels about minho & not what that sound makes him think of.  minho takes his time, goes slow, taemin gently, & it’s obvious that he delights in what he’s doing, watching taemin with a mischievous smile: he’s making taemin feel good.  he absorbs the touches & adds it to the emotions tied with his boyfriend & makes every effort to enjoy what is happening below his hips.  nerves grow tight when minho his & his breath becomes erratic when minho takes him in his mouth.  lips are & eyes closed but minho’s only moved his head three times before taemin can’t take it anymore.  he pushes minho’s head away a little too hard as he moves up the bed, his knees pulled painfully to his chest as he shakes.  minho’s soft voice filters in through the ringing in his ears murmuring that it’s ok. 

“it’s not ok!  i don’t...”  it’s too late.  to the surprise of them both, taemin begins to cry.  years have passed since he last wept & he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do now that there are tears on his face.  minho has moved up the bed beside him & isn’t touching him & he knows it’s to keep him safe but he just wants to be held.  he wants to be held so bad so he pulls minho in tight, wraps his arms around the other’s waist & sobs brokenly into his chest.  there are so many tears & he thinks he’ll never breathe again without them.  minho is warm & his arms are strong & right now he’s kissing taemin’s hair & remaining silent.  taemin’s hiccupping now, mucus mixed with tears & the humid air of his staggered breaths muffled by minho’s shirt.  it finally, finally ends & he doesn’t let go because minho in his arms is the only thing keeping him grounded in this moment; if he were to let go he’s not sure what would happen.  he hasn’t been this scared in a while.

“my cousin.”  that’s as far as he can get before he’s sobbing again, his chest aching & his head beginning to throb as he pulls minho even tighter.  enough time passes that the warm streaks of light that played against their feet have now moved to the wall. 

“she said it was a game.  she said that it was our secret & that i would be happy if we played.  i was eleven & she was fifteen.  she would kiss me & make me touch her.  she would rub me through my pants & laugh when it made a mess.  i was fourteen when she started ing me.  i’ve always been small.  & she was so much bigger than me then.  she said it was our special game & then laughed every time i got a saying it was obvious i liked it.”

“that doesn’t mean that you liked it,” minho says, fingers dancing through taemin’s hair.  “people laugh when they’re tickled & no one likes being tickled.  it’s just the way our body responds to things.”  the repetition of gwiboon’s words from months back is a startling comfort & he pulls minho in tighter.

“my dad kicked me out because of it.  he walked in on her on top of me at the worst moment.  i’d been sick for days, on so many meds.  i woke up to her ing me.  it had been a long time & i thought it was over & i was pushing her away when he walked in: all he saw was my hands on her hips.  my cousin is older but she’s smart.  an all-star, literally.  she volunteers in soup kitchens, tutors, helps little kids learn to read, full academic scholarship.  there was no way it was her fault; it was obviously me.  he couldn’t believe his niece would do such a thing.  besides, girls can’t .”

“girls can .”  it’s simple, strong, & so certain.

“no they can’t.”  his father said so.

“did you say yes?”

“i moved in with her.”

“the first time.  did you say yes?”

“no.”  minho kisses his hair & brushes his fingers over taemin’s shoulder.

“it wasn’t your fault.”

“i stayed with her for a year until she kicked me out.  a year after that i met jonghyun.  & then i met you.”  he leans up & kisses minho’s jaw.  “i’m glad i met you.”

“i’m glad i met you too.” 

“i’ve never told anyone.  no one else knows.”

“i won’t tell.”

“i know.”  he leans up to kiss minho’s jaw once more & then his head is again against his boyfriend’s chest.  he falls asleep in minho’s arms & asks him if they can try again in the morning.  a few missteps in between notwithstanding, taemin cums in minho’s mouth as jinki & gwiboon pull up outside. 

~

three weeks after their trip together, jinki & gwiboon are all smiles & gentle laughter.  one evening three weeks & one day later taemin comes home to find gwiboon on the kitchen floor staring at the tile, her chin resting on her knees & her fingers locked at her shins.  kicking off his shoes he makes his way to where she sits, kneeling down beside her & placing a hand on her knee before withdrawing it & moving to her side.  her head falls to his shoulder.

“what happened?”

“miscarriage.”  he looks down at her hair in surprise.

“what?”

“miscarriage.”  the dullness of her voice frightens him & he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say.

“oh.”

“three.”

“what?”

“three miscarriages.”

“i’m-”

“don’t.”  he nods.  “what if it never happens?  what if i can’t have kids?”

“i don’t know.”

“do you think jinki will stay?”

“what?  of course he will.”  taemin has no doubt & no idea why gwiboon does.

“why?”

“he loves you.”

“maybe he just loves the idea of me.  we talked about having kids early on, you know.  we agreed that we’d wait at least a year until i finished college to try.  i didn’t want to wait but i knew he was right.  i knew we’d be happier if we did.  but then year after year, miscarriage after miscarriage.  what if...what if he gets tired of waiting & decides i’m not worth it anymore?”

“gwi...”

“i’m temperamental, i get so sad that i stop functioning, i...”, she tears up.  “why would he stay?”

“you should be talking to him about this.”

“i’m asking you.”

“he would stay because he loves you.  because he likes being with you.  because you challenge him & make him a better person.  he’s not with you just for the little pieces & he won’t leave because of them either.  he’s with you for the whole messy mosaic.”

“maybe.”

“you should see the way he looks at you when you’re not looking.  the way he smiles when he talks about you.  maybe this part of your plan won’t work out but maybe it will.  you should stop hiding in all that cigarette smoke & go ask someone who might know.”

“a doctor?”

“maybe.”  on impulse he slips an arm over her shoulder & the other across her chest, gathering her into his arms.  it’s not a natural act for him but with her everything changes.  he’s a different, better person when he’s with her & it just seems right.  an act of gratitude for the life he now leads because of her.

“what do you want?”  a natural question, one he wonders if she’s asked herself.

“what do you mean?” 

“i mean...do you want to get married?  do you want to live with jinki?  if you have kids would you?  or would you stay here by yourself?”  gwiboon is quiet for a while.

“no, i don’t want to get married.  but i think i would like to live with jinki.  i didn’t.  i really wanted my own space.  my grandmother left me this house so i got lucky there; no rent, no mortgage.  now i think maybe i do want to live with him.  but he & minho seem really happy & i don’t know if he’d want to give that up.  i don’t know that i’d want him to.”

“you really need to get better at communicating with your boyfriends.”

“yeah.  especially minho.”

“you two don’t make sense.”

“i know.”  she looked at him with a smile.  “you two do, though.”  he grinned.

“you think so?”

“of course.  you could move in with him.  then everyone could be happy.  maybe.”

“maybe.”

“would you like that?”  the thought is tempting but he only shrugs in response.

~

the waves are icy against taemin’s ankles & he can already feel his toes growing numb.  it’s spring & the beach is abandoned, it’s just the two of them on a cloudy afternoon.  the sand is soft & rough beneath the soles of his feet & he squishes his numbing toes deep in the near-black grains.  a laugh was the only warning before a sloppy clump hits him on his neck, knocking him back & nearly tumbling him into the water.  cold sand clings to his shirt & slips beneath his collar attaching itself to his chest & he shakes the material violently as minho’s bellowing laughter floats toward him, muffled by the ocean’s roar.

glancing over he catches the other bent in half & pointing at him, a hand pressed to his waist as he laughs.  taemin just frowns & continues shaking his shirt & wondering if it wouldn’t just be easier to take it off. 

“here.”  a towel is held in front of him & he reaches out to take it.  “may i?”  minho’s eyes are bright & a little shy, a little hopeful.  or maybe taemin is just hoping they are.  he nods & lets his hands drop.  minho’s fingers are surprisingly warm as he lifts taemin’s shirt & scrubs at the sand with the towel & taemin doesn’t bother to hide his stare as the other’s eyes are on his chest & away from his own.  such soft lips, he thinks, such kind eyes.  safe.  soft.  he leans forward & brushes a kiss across the other’s cheek, almost missing & hitting his eye, not smiling but not frowning as his heart thuds & his cheeks warm.  a smile & a chuckle are his reward & an order to take off his shirt as the other leans back & pulls the heather blue hoodie over his head.  the black t-shirt beneath fits a little too well & the impulse to rub his frozen fingers beneath is held back only by the faintest thread & the desperate need to not be cold.  the hoodie is warm & a size too large & he bundles in tightly with the hood drawn snug against his cheeks & his hands fisted around the ends of the sleeves. 

minho laughs again & pulls him close, cradling his covered head with one hand & the other resting against the small of his back.

“i’m sorry.  that was a cheap shot.”  taemin nods silently, the sleeves slipping over his knuckles as he reciprocates the hug.  a kiss is absorbed by the material covering his head & they rock a little with the noise of rushing water serenading them from just yards away.

“we should head back.  do something sappy like blankets & cocoa.”  a small snort & a nod before they separate & taemin’s frozen fingers are warmed by minho’s palm.  the ride back consists of the heat on high & taemin’s thoughts on the potential for a hot shower.  perhaps one shared. 

~

taemin opens the door without checking, still laughing at gwiboon’s remark about the posters hanging in the doctor’s office with his phone in one hand as he twists the knob with the other.  looking up he finds jonghyun standing on the other side of the screen door & they both freeze when their eyes meet.  he slams the door & his lips as his heartbeat quickens.

“what the ?”

“taemin?”  the faint sound of gwiboon’s voice from the phone gripped in his hands startles him & he whips it back up to his ear.

“jonghyun’s here.”

“what?”  her confusion matches his own & does not help his unease.

“on the porch.”

“why?”

“i don’t know.”

“what’s he doing?”

“i don’t know.  i just slammed the door.”

“ok.  don’t let him inside.  if you talk to him talk to him on the porch or, even better, the sidewalk.  i’ll be there as soon as i can.  ok?  taemin?”  he nods & hangs up, the phone silent at his thigh as his hands hang limply at his sides.  suddenly he’s angry, a dizzying twist of emotions that he didn’t expect.  then again, he didn’t expect jonghyun.  there were so many ways they could have met again & showing up at taemin’s door with no notice is not fair.

the door flies open & he storms out into the sunlight streaming down onto the small porch, crossing his arms & glaring down at his uninvited visitor.  jonghyun’s halfway down the walk but the sound of the door opening has him facing back towards the house.  his smile is bright but uncertain & he looks so vulnerable that taemin’s anger is cut in half.  when he moves towards where taemin towers over him on the stairs he steps back & pulls the door shut behind him, sighing as they now stand twelve feet apart & he’s now three heads higher than the first man he loved.

“hey taemin.”  the sound of his name in jonghyun’s soft voice is achingly familiar & a wave of nostalgia passes over before dissolving into nothing. 

“jonghyun.”  silence punctuated by the sound of life bursting around them pierces taemin’s ears & he wishes jonghyun would start talking since he’s the one who came.

“you look well.”  hollow pleasantries.  a waste of time & words.

“why are you here?”  jonghyun stuffs his hands in his pockets & glances around nervously before asking if they could go inside to talk.

“no.”  clearly not the response he expected as his eyebrows raise & his mouth forms a perfect ‘o’.  he nods & begins moving toward where taemin still stands on the porch.

“can we talk?”  a hand slips out of his pocket & waves at the bottom step.  taemin watches him for a moment before responding.  from his vantage point jonghyun looks small & fragile, familiar in a distant way.  most importantly he seems sober.  a quick nod & a tight “sure” & now they’re sitting a foot apart on warm concrete staring out at the street.  taemin can hear children playing down at one end & the faint sound of cars rushing by at the other.

jonghyun rubs the back of his neck with his hand & stares out at the lawn.  he’s building up his words & taemin lets him. 

“how’ve you been?”  more pleasantries, more waste. 

“why are you here?”

“i’m sober.”

“i see that.”

“no i’m...”  he reaches back into his pocket & pulls out a blue coin.  “i’m sober.  a year now.”  the time that had passed since taemin had last seen his face.  he looks at it now.  it’s not the same man he met but it’s mostly him.  nodding seems right & he takes the coin when jonghyun offers.  it’s warm from being against his thigh & the ridges of the words feel nice under his thumb.  he hands it back without comment.

“so yeah.”  the coin is held for a moment more before being tucked back into the darkness of jonghyun’s jeans.  “um.  making amends is one of the major steps which is why i’m here.  we’re not supposed to try if it might hurt the other person which is why i didn’t call.”  taemin scoffs.

“you thought showing up unannounced would be better?”

“no i...i was leaving a message for gwiboon.”  he pulls out a piece of folded paper from his other pocket & smiles sheepishly.  taemin frowns in understanding.

“you didn’t even know i lived here.”

“no.  i didn’t know where you were.  i thought gwiboon might & i knew that she would at least tell you that i’d stopped by.”

“well now you’ve found me.” 

“yeah.”  a sigh slips through taemin’s lips. 

“i forgive you.”

“you shouldn’t.”  it’s harsh & abrupt & taemin glances over to see jonghyun swallow & purse his lips, fighting back tears.  “there’s no way i can ever make up for what i did, taemin.  what i did to you.  half of it is just a blur & the rest...”  his voice trails off & he bends his head, his fingers linking at the base of his skull.  taemin watches passively before turning back to the sidewalk.  a little boy from three houses down passes by on a scooter.  “it was me.  it was all me.  you didn’t deserve any of it.  none of it.”  tears are flowing freely now & taemin listens to the man beside him cry.  he’ll accept his apology but he won’t qualify his actions; jonghyun’s not going to be rewarded for being decent. 

“i know.  i forgive you.”

“why?”  hiccups wrack jonghyun’s chest & the last of taemin’s anger is breathed out in a little chuckle.

“because i want to.  because i can.  because i have.”

“you should hate me.”

“that’s my choice.  besides, i never hated you.  not even then.  i loved you then.  i love you now.  you were the first person who told me they loved me & meant it, you were the first person who made me feel loved.  you gave me a home, you gave me hope, you were there for me.  you were the first person i trusted.”  jonghyun makes a choking sound & tears flow down his cheeks, glistening in the sunshine.

“i am so sorry, taemin.  i am so sorry.”

“i know.”  the impulse to rub jonghyun’s back is stifled by the pressing desire to bring the conversation to an end & the thought that if he did jonghyun might begin crying in his lap.  “cross me off your list.” 

the sun bathes them in light as jonghyun’s tears slowly fade.  he’s nearly calm again, sniffling & wiping his face with the collar of his shirt when minho’s truck pulls up.  taemin leans forward in surprise when jinki alone steps out & begins walking their way.  his eyes narrow in suspicion as jinki’s face widens into a smile that is far, far too bright.

“you must be jonghyun,” he says, his tone all wrong.  he sounds delighted, enthused to be meeting the man with red eyes & tear-stained cheeks sitting next to his boyfriend’s boyfriend on the bottom step of his girlfriend’s house.  he’s smiling as though he were greeting a long lost relative rather than a shady piece of his friend’s complicated past.  he reaches out his hand & jonghyun glances at taemin before nodding & offering his up.  “jinki.  gwiboon’s boyfriend.  i’ve heard a lot about you.”

“oh.  i’ve heard about you too.”

“visiting?”  jonghyun’s hand is still trapped in his & there’s a spark of panic in his eyes.

“yes.  no.  i was just dropping off a message for gwiboon.”

“you drove all the way over here to drop off a letter?  you do realize the federal government has a whole system to make such a delivery far more convenient for the average citizen?  not to mention all the technological advances in electronic communications.”  he’s still smiling.  taemin shifts in his seat.

“jinki...” 

“well while you’re in town i recommend you stop in at kim’s cafe,” jinki cuts in, “they have the most amazing dumplings you will ever eat.  just delicious.”  he’s nodding & jonghyun nods along, his hand still stuck in jinki’s grasp.

“thanks.  i’ll try to stop in on my way out of town.”

“good!  you won’t be disappointed.  not like if you ever stop at gwiboon’s house again without calling first.”  the smile is gone & the tone of his voice is almost as cold as the look he fixes on jonghyun.  he glances over at taemin & asks “are you all right?”  stunned, taemin quickly nods.  jinki nods back & turns his attentions again to jonghyun.  “you are very, very lucky she wasn’t here.  be careful where you go when you head back home.  city’s a pretty dangerous place & you wouldn’t want to end up in the wrong end of town.”  jonghyun nods, swallowing, his eyes never leaving jinki’s.  suddenly the smile is back & jinki’s patting jonghyun on the shoulder with his spare hand.

“cool.  take care man.”  the hold he has on the jonghyun’s hand releases & he pats taemin on the shoulder as he steps between them & enters the house, the screen door slamming closed & the inner door noticeably left open.  white marks impressed in jonghyun’s hand slowly fade to red & the breaths they’d both been holding are exhaled in unison.  jonghyun’s rubbing his palm with his thumb while taemin watches.

“you should probably leave before gwiboon comes home.  she knows you’re here.”  jonghyun nods & stands, pulls the piece of paper out of his pocket & hands it to taemin.

“is he good to her?”

“do you think she’d stay if he wasn’t?”  the flinch on jonghyun’s face is followed by a resigned nod & he gives a little smile as he moves down the walkway.

“jonghyun!”  he turns back, his eyes guarded as taemin stands up, fists shoved into pockets. “i meant it.  all of it.  i’ll always love you, ok?  i never hated you.”  jonghyun’s eyebrows furrow & there’s a glint of hope in his eyes that taemin shakes his head at.  “we can’t be friends, though.  not now.”  there’s a resignation to jonghyun’s nod as his shoulders droop but the smile on his face is real & so is taemin’s as he waves good-bye.

~

jinki’s sitting at the table with a bottle & he doesn’t look up until taemin sits down across from him.

“you good?”

“yeah.  he came by to apologize.”

“good.”

“to gwiboon.”  an eyebrow rises & it’s then that taemin notices the bottle isn’t open.

“not to you?”

“he didn’t know i was here.”

“hm.”  there’s a sliver of doubt in jinki’s eye but he doesn’t press.  the only follow-up is a third repetition of the question as to whether taemin is all right.

“yeah.  i really am.”

gwiboon begins to tear up the note before taemin stops her & it’s only jinki’s warm hand at her back that calms her down.  lips purse & a single tear hits her cheek before the paper is balled up & thrown into the bin.  jinki pats taemin on the shoulder as he follows gwiboon down the hall & he shuts the door behind them.

taemin stands next to the bar & stares at the metal tube that holds the words jonghyun traveled a hundred miles to deliver.  they’re not meant for him though: jonghyun’s words for taemin were spoken to his face & heard with his own ears.  shoes slip easily on his feet & the door clicks behind him as he shoves his hands into his pockets, takes a breath, & leaves.

~

 gwiboon’s sitting on the front porch smoking when he comes around the corner five hours later & he’s too relieved to see her out of the house to be disappointed.  she starts to stand & he hears his name come from her lips & then she’s gasping in his ear.  her cigarette drops to the concrete & he feels her shuffle quickly to stomp it out, her arms wrapping tightly around him.  her voice whispers in his ear, little consolations that mean nothing & everything & he’s just so grateful that she’s not mad.

~

“you should stop smoking.”

“so should you.”

“i know.”  the heat of the day is getting to him & he takes another sip of his iced lemonade before putting the coaster back over the glass & cursing the creation of insects.

“they figured out what’s wrong.”

“yeah?”

“it’s a really easy fix.”

“that’s good.”

“i talked to jinki.”  taemin nods.  she takes a drag & stumps out the cigarette that’s been only half-smoked.  the rush of cool air when they step inside has him audibly relaxing, his shoulders stiffening when he remembers his drink & heads back out into the heat again.  smoke still flits from the ashtray & a little smile makes its way to his lips.  funny how a roll of tobacco & nicotine could hold so much hope.

~

taemin watches gwiboon watch jinki talk about the rollercoasters as he rubs her legs & then turns back to minho & smiles as his boyfriend drives them home.

~

minho grunts as taemin jumps onto his back & clutches at his boyfriend’s shirt, nearly strangling him with the stretchy cotton.  his eyes are squeezed tight & his ankles crossed at minho’s waist as he mutters “holyholyholyholyholy”.  a chuckle & a kiss to taemin’s arm & minho’s walking them to the bedroom & dropping taemin on the bed.

“where is it?”

“windowsill.”  taemin’s eyes are still squeezed shut as minho’s footsteps fade away & he waits for minho’s return & the confirmation that the miscreant that’s invaded their home has died an ignoble death. 

~

they laugh into their new year’s kiss, both of them having frozen their fingers with glasses of champagne & each doing their best to press those same fingers against the other’s waist.  minho succeeds first though taemin is quick to follow & their competition earns them a stiff “get away from the table!” from gwiboon who sits in jinki’s lap.  his fingers rub at her hip & hold her at the small of her back & her own rest on his shoulder & at his cheek.  the ten-week trial of switching housemates has worked out well for everyone involved & the only work-around necessary was finding time for jinki & minho to be alone.  taemin has learned a lot about pregnancy during those nights & can now spell “cervical insufficiency”. 

gwiboon decided to wait until her need for nicotine was under control to try again & to see how living with jinki would affect their relationship.  the ashtrays have disappeared & a dozen pen caps have been chewed to shreds.  the future goal outweighs her momentary need & even this stretching of her nerves hasn’t had her kick jinki out.  taemin watches them together & believes.

his lips press against gwiboon’s cheek while minho & jinki share their first kiss of the new year behind them.  a new year means a new chance to things up or make them right & tonight they’re starting it out together.  with any luck they’ll end it together as well.