"and". conjunction. meaning: comparing two identical comparatives; to emphasize a progressive change.

when taemin wakes up friday it’s to the smell of coffee & the nagging feeling that he’s forgotten something.  he hisses as he shifts just wrong & the bruise on his arm is caught beneath his rib.  the shock of pain has him sitting up & his fingers are brushing over the tender skin as he looks around the room.  the curtains are so heavy no sunshine breaks through their weight but a sliver of light lays at the bottom of the door.  fingers absently scratch at his chest & run through his hair as he stands up & moves to open it.  in the hallway he pauses because he thinks he maybe should say hi to gwiboon first but he really has to pee so he opts to use the bathroom before he greets his host.  a quick scrubbing of his teeth with the brush she pulled down for him last night, clear yellow plastic, & he steps back out & heads down the hall.

“hey,” she says, her eyes fixed on what looks to be an omelet sizzling in a pan.  whatever it is smells delicious & his stomach twinges with hunger.  a smile is on her lips when she brings him a fork & a plate with an omelet smothered in cheese (“i assumed”, she says with a gentle smirk).  the first bite is amazing & the second equally so & he drinks the cup of coffee she brings him as though it were the water of life itself.

he tries not to think about where he was twelve hours ago & how different his life had become in just one day.  the dishes are washed to the best of his ability & they spend the rest of the morning & well into the afternoon shifting gwiboon’s clothes from the tiny guest room to her own.  it has a twin bed that had been serving as a dysfunctional dresser & shoe display & takes nearly an hour of work to completely unearth it.

“some of this will have to stay in here, in the closet.”  her hands are on her hips & she sighs, blowing at her bangs. 

“it’s fine.  it’s not like i have anything.”  he chuckles but she frowns.

“we’ll have to fix that."

the majority of the clothes are packed in tight on thin hangers in the tiny closet & the carpet vacuumed before they climb into gwiboon’s car, taemin back in the clothes he had worn on the drive last night, & head to the store to pick up the items on their list.

~

when they pull into the drive back at her house he has new sheets, six sets of clothes, & a few toiletries.  they’re both hungry & taemin offers to fix them lunch while gwiboon throws everything they’ve bought into the wash.  or the reverse.  or he could do both.  he smiles nervously & rubs his wrist.  gwiboon laughs & lets him try his hand at sandwiches, smiling when he hands hers over sliced up into squares.  companionable silence fills the spaces between their munching & taemin washes their dishes when they’re done.

gwiboon’s in the back rotating the laundry while taemin stands at the bar & with a glass of water when two men stumble through the doorway, one nearly falling over with a smile that’s too happy & a laugh that’s too loud.  he has his arm tossed behind the back of the other man & his waist is grasped in the other’s arms.  they’re both wearing sunglasses & the second one, the one not smiling, pushes his up over his head where they sit soberly atop a raven head of hair. 

taemin takes a step back, surprised because the stranger with the smile & the laughter looks sort of like jongin when he’s high though it’s clear they’re a little drunk.  they don’t smell heavily of alcohol but it’s not a subtle fragrance either & he’s gripping the back of the barstool as he watches raven hair call for gwiboon.

she pads out in the hallway & then sighs in exasperation as “smiles” calls out “gwiboon!” & reaches both hands out toward her.  she’s nearly toppled over by his weight but catches her balance, wrapping her arms around the small of his back & whispering something that makes him smile turn impish.  they disappear down the hallway & now he’s alone with a stranger & the dissipating smell of what he’s just fled.

raven turns to him then & smiles, a disarmingly gentle smile & stretches out his hand saying, “hey, you must be taemin.  i’m minho.”  he smiles & pulls out a bag, little bits of green visible through the sheer plastic.  “wanna join me?” 

“does gwiboon know you have that?”

“as long as we’re not in her house she doesn’t mind.”

taemin nods & follows without volition because minho’s childish grin & soft eyes make him complacent in a way that is familiar & warm.  they push through the sliding glass door & pull it shut a bit too hard behind them.  minho takes the chair in the center of the deck & taemin takes the one beside him, the one just three steps from the doorway.

the glass pipe he begins filling is a surprisingly pale pink (“a gift from gwiboon”, he says when he catches taemin staring) & the lighter he puts on the table beside it is dotted black & white: it takes taemin a moment to recognize the pattern of soccer balls.  there’s a small blaze & then minho is inhaling deeply, blowing out the smoke with practiced ease.  he hands the pipe to taemin who does the same, following the familiar ritual.  he had gotten high with jongin from time to time but he hadn’t smoked since he met jonghyun two years ago.  it’s bittersweet to be having the smoke fill his lungs again.

they don’t really talk about much, minho doing most of the talking on his own.  a few questions are asked about taemin’s past & present but enough dodging has minho doing more to introduce himself than to learn about the man beside him.

a broken ankle a few years back is what got minho to start smoking, he says as he blows out another pale gray puff.  he’s a physical education instructor at a junior high who spends ten full minutes talking about a game whose rules & movements taemin wouldn’t have been able to follow if he were sober.  he just nods a lot & thinks about how warm minho’s voice is & how hot the metal chair is against his bare arms & thighs.  maybe he’s being electrocuted.  either way, it feels nice.

~

“minho & i are like friends with benefits but the benefits are different.  no , just lots of cuddling & the occasional kissing.  minho thought he was straight for the longest time because of that.  we met freshman year in the cafeteria.  we were both on work crew & he was bossing everyone around.  they had to pull me back because he wouldn’t hit a girl but i wasn’t about to let my uterus keep me from taking him down.”

gwiboon is standing at the stove with her back to taemin as the makings of dinner slowly begin to take form on the stove.  it has been two hours since the two men had burst into the house.  jinki is asleep in the bedroom & minho left to grab a few last minute ingredients for their supper from the little market on the corner.  apologies had been made as soon as they were alone for not letting him know that they might be stopping by & for not explaining who they were beforehand.

“we met jinki at university our sophomore year.  he was a senior & by chance we discovered that we were both dating him.  it was never a secret that monogamy isn’t for him & that he was more attracted to people than to gender.  so it wasn’t a surprise that he was dating someone else, it was a surprise that he was dating minho.  what were the odds?” 

a pile of plates & cutlery is pulled out of their respective cupboard & drawer & handed to him.  he moves silently around the table setting places for these new strangers to eat.

“so you’ve been together awhile?”

“four years.”

“but you don’t live together.”

“no.  we-”  the sound of the bedroom door opening is followed by the sound of the bathroom door shutting.  taemin sits back down at the bar stool & looks at gwiboon who rolls her eyes & smiles.

“he’ll be fine now.  a little tipsy, probably.”  a smiling jinki with fluffed hair steps into the kitchen & kisses gwiboon on the cheek before resting his hands on her hips & his head on her shoulder.

“sorry.”

“you should be ashamed.”

“that too.”

“you startled taemin.”  soft brown eyes that crinkle harmlessly turn to him & he cringes a little at how gentle the man seems.

“sorry.”  no explanations, no excuses.  he turns back to gwiboon & whispers something in her ear that makes her slap his hand & giggle.  the door opens then & minho walks in.  it’s the four of them now & taemin sits at a table with strangers watching them laugh & smile.  another two hours pass before the men leave again, kisses placed on gwiboon’s lips & a “good to meet you” sent taemin’s way.  it’s dark outside & cool as the lights from the pickup truck minho drives fade away.   

~

a week passes & taemin’s hands shake as he lights up the pipe minho left behind.  half a dozen interviews have gone nowhere & his palms still burn from the rough brick they gripped last night.  the old habit of a “yes” for safety had him in the shadows of a fluorescent light with a stranger & the warm summer air.

~

“so how old are you?”  instead of answering directly he pulls out his wallet. 

“here.”  the i.d. he’s been using for the last four years is a bit faded but he hasn’t aged much since the picture was taken. he hands it to her & hopes there are no follow up questions because the truth is the only payment he can give her for taking him in.  the look on her face is inscrutable & she sighs as she hands it back to him.

“well we’re going to have to get you a real i.d. before we do anything else.  so.  how old are you?  really?”  no one else knows: not jongin, not jonghyun.  only eunsook.

“i’ll be twenty in july.”  the widening of her eyes is not subtle & he knows what she’s thinking.  “jonghyun thought i was twenty-one when we met.”  the card with his picture on it fits back into its worn slot as he shrugs.  a faint smile passes across his lips.  “i’ve been using this since i was sixteen & no one’s ever noticed or cared.”

“well.  i do.  you need to get a real one.”

when the birth certificate she orders for him on-line shows up a week later it’s jarring to see his parents’ names printed on the blue patterned paper in stark black ink.  they were such a distant memory now, sharp yet unimportant & it’s almost as though it’s the names of strangers being designated as the man & woman who created him.  he wears a black shirt to the dmv & doesn’t smile & keeps a running tally of how much all of this is costing her so that when he has the cash he can pay her back.  when she asks if he has a diploma he shakes his head.  the cost to order a copy of his g.e.d. is added to the list.

~

taemin stands in the humid air, his hands fisted into his pockets & his hair slowly growing damp.  the rain is warm, an odd change from the icy droplets he’s used to, & they fill the air more than splatter to the ground: it’s like walking through the steam of a shower.  the light over the crosswalk is taking its time changing color & he’s not brave enough to cross four lanes of traffic against it, instead subtly bouncing back & forth from foot to foot as he waits.

the walk from where the bus dropped him off to the office he’s heading to is longer than he’d like in the dampness, he’s sure to look a mess when he arrives, but it was the only way he could get there on his own.  so he settles for a quick ruffling of his hair in a passing window & hopes that their familiarity with the local weather will forgive his mussed appearance.

the manager is a friend of jinki’s & he had grimaced at the connection.  he still doesn’t know how he feels about gwiboon’s other boyfriend & he doesn’t like being indebted to another drunk.  that’s not fair to either of them, he knows, but everything is still too raw to be rational.

the door has a bell that jingles & a pretty secretary who smiles brightly.  the interview goes as well as he expects & he’s not surprised when he doesn’t hear from them by the weekend. 

he’s shocked when they offer him a job on monday.

his hours are daylight now & his income is about half: no tips.  he’s left to himself quite a bit, only about six other workers on his shift & he’s content to let them talk about sports while he goes about his work.  it’s still physical & it feels good to ache from labor.

~

the july sun burns on taemin’s neck as he unlocks the front door & steps inside.  the house is dark & quiet when he slips out of his shoes & he moves toward the kitchen to make himself a snack.  as he passes from the living room to the kitchen he hears the soft murmurs of voices he recognizes as jinki & gwiboon.  the door to the bedroom is shut, muffling the sound.  he reaches up to pull a glass down from the cupboard & his arm freezes in the air when he hears a sound, distinctly ual, & the sudden of jinki’s name in gwiboon’s voice.  he panics, standing in the kitchen a moment too long, now painfully aware of what’s happening mere feet away, & he quickly turns around, closing the door as softly behind him as he can.

he’s at a loss now because he’s hungry but there’s no way he can fix himself something to eat while his friend is ing her boyfriend down the hall.  there’s not much money in his wallet but he uses it to buy the cheapest food he can find at the market down the block & eats it as he slowly makes his way back. 

it’s been fifteen minutes & he’s sure they must be done by now but a quick poke of his head in the house makes it clear that they’re not so he sighs & resigns himself to a time-out on the uncovered porch, the summer sunshine raining down on his unguarded form.

it’s not too bad.  there’s a breeze & it’s surprisingly cool.  he pulls his new phone out of his pocket, the one he’s paying gwiboon back for whether she likes it or not, & begins playing a game, checking the clock intermittently & waiting for someone to open the door because he’s not going back inside until he’s sure it’s safe.

73 minutes later he hears voices behind him & he stands & turns as first the main door & then screen door are opened behind him.

“hey, taemin.”  jinki looks surprised to see him & taemin bites back his annoyance at how happy he looks.

“hey, jinki.”  they nod at each other as taemin steps inside, shutting the main door as jinki heads down the walkway to the sidewalk.  that’s when he notices minho’s truck parked down the block & he kicks himself mentally for not seeing it earlier.

gwiboon is in one of her silk robes bustling around the kitchen when he sits down at the bar & she grins at him when she notices his presence.

“hey!”

“hey.”

“i was just making some dinner.  stir-fry sound good?”

“uh, sure.  yeah.” 

“how was your day?”  her back is to him & there’s a knife in her hand slicing up a green pepper.

“pretty good.  the job ended early which kind of .  especially since it meant i just spent the last hour on the front porch.”  gwiboon snorts as she begins searching for a bowl, glancing over at taemin’s frown & bursting into laughter.

“sorry.  jinki’s...pretty thorough.”  her eyebrows wiggle as she grins.

“so...you like it?”  the question comes out unbidden & he’s not sure where it comes from.

“yeah.”  they’re studying each other, both a little confused.

“you must love him a lot.”  there’s a soft smile that barely covers the salt in his tone & she’s beginning to look at him differently.

“i do.”

“he didn’t even stay.”   her eyes soften & her back turns to him as the preparations for dinner continue at her hand.

“he had to pick up minho.”

“oh.”  taemin still doesn’t understand their relationship, even after living with gwiboon for nearly two months.  what he knows is that gwiboon & minho are very snuggly together & that she likes to hug his arm & rest her head on his shoulder when they stand around to talk outside.  he knows that jinki likes to hug her from behind & kiss her neck & that their fingers often lace at her waist.  he knows that jinki lives with minho & that they are not “just roommates” & he knows that they are all in love because it’s written in gwiboon’s shy smile, in minho’s tender gaze, & jinki’s hands at the small of their backs.  what he doesn’t know is why minho & gwiboon are with jinki.

~

taemin stands at his door listening to gwiboon & jinki’s voices in the kitchen.  the doorknob still resting in his hand, his eye peering through the crack in the doorway.  jinki leans up against the bar & gwiboon stands beside him.

“you’re not his mom.”

“aren’t i though?”  gwiboon blows the smoke out of the side of , chuckling at the look on jinki’s face.  “well, older sister at least.”  she kisses the corner of his lip & takes another drag.

“hey.”  he rubs her shoulders then props his head over her right side, kissing her neck.  “there’s still time.  just because it happened doesn’t mean it always will.”  she stiffens & takes another drag, blowing the smoke to her left.

“not today.”  silence sits around them as he nods & kisses her neck again. 

“ok.  what do you need?”

“tell me something light.”

“minho fell out of bed today.”  she snorts out a puff of smoke, coughing.

“that must have been quite a sight.”

“his feet were up in the air & when i looked down he was just staring at the ceiling as though he’d somehow been betrayed by gravity.”

he closes the door & sits down on the bed, rolling onto his back & staring at the ceiling.

~

three days pass & he doesn’t see her at any point but he doesn’t think much of it because he’s been so busy himself.  things are going well at work & he’s made a friend & it’s nice to have someone to talk to while he carries heavy sacks of soil.  it’s tiring in a good way but he’s young so it isn’t wearing.  there’s more work in the summer & he takes it because it means more money to pay gwiboon back with & more distraction from thinking too hard about why he owes her in the first place.

moonkyu reminds him of jongin in good ways & he passively misses his old friend.  jongin was the reason the time between eunsook kicking him out & the first time he was ed for pay lasted only a week.  & it was jongin who ed him so it was a fair exchange; safer than on the streets.  he thinks moonkyu wouldn’t ask for the same rate though he’s not sure he’d take him in to begin with. 

on the fourth day the air is thick with smoke when he steps across the threshold & he coughs twice before he’s even shut the door.  every curtain is drawn & the windows are all closed.  a tiny box fan sits on the bar behind her & does about as well to move the air around as a child successfully blowing out the candles on their birthday cake. 

an ashtray is filled to the brim & little bits of ash scatter beneath her fingers as she takes another drag: the orange burn of the end of her cigarette is bright in the dark apartment.  the lack of greeting or even basic acknowledgment, never even turning her head, has him dropping his bag cautiously & keeping his eyes on her as he removes his shoes.  she’s staring at the wall & it’s an eerily familiar sight, the cigarette in her hand reminiscent of the glass in jonghyun’s & there’s no certainty that the outcome won’t be the same.

“hey.”  a soft attempt at grabbing her attention is met with a look of surprise & a faint smile.  the back of her hand dabs at her eyes & he’s confused to find she is crying.

“hey.  didn’t hear you come in.  how was your day?”

“it was good.  are you ok?”  even as she nods more tears fall & it is a shaky hand that brings the cigarette to .  the chair is solid beneath him as he drops down & rests a hand on her forearm that is subtly withdrawn.  he lets it fall to the table.  there isn’t anything he can do if she isn’t going to tell him & he has learned enough to know not to push a person who is grieving.  instead he offers to make dinner which makes her laugh a little with the protest that he keep it simple & not “do anything that might bring around anyone in uniform”.  he scoffs, offended.

“how about pizza then?”  nodding absently, her face turns back to the wall & the pale gray cigarette in her hand is stubbed out only to be replaced seconds later with a pristine white one that burns fresh.  a sigh is stifled as he rises to pull out his phone.

~

“you should stop smoking.”

“so should you.”

“cannabis doesn’t cause cancer.”

“that should be a slogan,” gwiboon says as she takes a long drag.  taemin watches her before turning back to the sky.  august means that two months have passed since they started living together & two weeks since he’d come home to find her sitting in the dark.  jinki & minho have stopped by every day since & tonight they had left less than thirty minutes ago; jinki spent the entirety of the visit with gwiboon at the table while minho & taemin smoked outside.

“you only smoke when you’re sad.”  the quiet is broken by a pair of dogs that begin barking down the road, a conversation that drags on & then abruptly quits.

“but i don’t always smoke when i’m sad.  i wouldn’t be able to afford it.”

they were dancing around it again.  dancing around taemin finding gwiboon in tears at the kitchen table; on the three days she never left her bedroom; of the way he had caught her staring at a kitchen knife before hurriedly shoving it back into the wooden block.

he doesn’t have a response so he takes her hand & fiddles with her fingers watching the shimmer of her nails as they moved.

“this is a nice color.”  a lame turn of conversation but silence was dangerous.

“junghee chose it.”

“how is she?”

“good.  she & minjung are thinking of buying a house.”

“hmm.”  their conversation stilts & bursts through another hour before the chill of the night compels them back inside.  he manages to get her to talk another hour before they finally go to bed.

~

“why did you try to me?”

the room whites out for a sharp second as the dry bite of oatmeal in his mouth gets caught in his throat.  a harsh cough & a quick swig of cold milk followed by a few deep breaths has his vision clearing.

“what?”  her back is against the counter directly across from him & her arms are crossed at her waist.  it’s not an angry look exactly: curiosity with something else not yet clear.

“when we got here you tried to me.  or offered to.  or offered to let me you.  not quite sure which.  it was odd at the time since you’d never made a move on me before & it was obviously not because you found me hot.  so what was it?”

there were few things in life taemin was certain of, very few that he believed in now.  life had been a series of gray skies streaked intermittently with sunlight that burst through the haze against all odds; memories built with jonghyun amongst the brightest.  the last had been black but a balance was struck & more gratitude than grief was felt when the memories surfaced.  gwiboon shimmered as well in the slowly dissipating dark & the urge to always be truthful with her compelled him to answer honestly.

“wanted to thank you for helping me.”

“by ing me?”  his shoulders shrugged & his gaze dropped to the spoon hovering over the cooling cereal in the bowl, the spoon still held in his fingers.

“usually works.”   

“do you like , taemin?”  the spoon warms as his fingers grow tight & he shrugs again as he looks back up.

“i’m good at it.”

“ok.  but do you enjoy it?”  he shrugs again & begins to stir the oatmeal.  it’ll grow cold & solid: his appetite has vanished.

“why are you asking?”

“you asked me.”

“i asked you what?”

“if i liked .  it made me curious.”

“when did i-” ah.  the afternoon spent on the front porch.

“it’s ok if you don’t.  not everyone does.”  not a consolation he had realized he needed.  nor one he believes.

“but i...”  .  his ing dad’s voice in his head had the spoon clattering to the counter & his fingers pressing to his temples, eyes squeezed shut.  “i get...you know.”  a hand waves in the air in a silent “please don’t make me say it out loud” plea.

“s?  s?”

“yeah.”

“so?”

“so doesn’t that...doesn’t that mean i like it?  i mean...why else...?”

“people laugh when they get tickled, doesn’t mean they like it.  sometimes it’s just our bodies responding to stimulus.  like right now.  think about minho.”  his cheeks burn.

“what about minho?”

“i see the way you look at him.  you should ask him out.”  taemin scoffs. 

“he’s dating you guys.” 

“yeah, so?  you could be good together.”

“it would be so awkward if he says no.” 

“just ask him & he’ll decide.  besides, do you really think minho’ll let anything get awkward?”  he shrugs because he doesn’t think he will but he doesn’t know he won’t.  “now,” she continues, “think about minho & damp & warm from the shower.  what do you want to do to him?  what do you want him to do to you?”  a small snort escapes as he smiles.

“why are you asking that?!”

“just answer the question.”

“maybe smack him with a towel?”

“is that it?”

“i don’t know.  take a nap?  warm snuggles sound pretty great.”

“nothing about having him bend you over the table & you until you can’t remember your name?”  the smile falls & that clench in his gut returns.  consent out of desire & consent out of ease, the former significantly more often than the latter, were distinctions he had not ever considered existing: what he wanted didn’t matter.  not until jonghyun, not until minho.  the truth was that if he were never asked he would never have said yes & he only said yes because he was asked: he would never have asked himself.

“no.”  darkness still since he hasn’t opened his eyes & he’s reluctant to open them now though he does anyway.  no longer curiosity but hesitancy is the look he’s met with.  another question.

“did jonghyun know?”  it’s not her right to ask, of that he is certain.  there are connotations within that question, implications against jonghyun’s character that deserve defense & a flush of protectiveness for jonghyun’s sake burns in his chest.

“no, he didn’t.  don’t make him into a monster, gwi.”  her eyes narrow & he knows she’s holding back.  “it wasn’t like that with him.  that was always good.” 

the oatmeal is scraped into the garbage disposal & the assault on his ears from the machine & water is a welcome reprieve from the dizzying rush of emotions their conversation has brought up.  they’re close enough to touch but gwiboon remains still against the counter as taemin washes his bowl & spoon & puts them in the rack.  an impulse has him kissing her cheek in a silent act of forgiveness before he heads down the hallway & prepares for work. 

~

avoiding jinki was tricky because so often he came when minho stopped by.  it was fair, they were boyfriends, but often enough it felt spiteful, a reminder that taemin was the outsider.  he’d nod & grimace & hope that he & minho would be allowed time alone on the back deck.  often enough it worked out that way with gwiboon & jinki’s murmured voices growing louder & softer as they moved around the kitchen making dinner.  minho & he wouldn’t smoke much before they ate, just enough to take the edge off from minho’s day at work.  there was no pattern to gwiboon though taemin tried to piece one together to prevent the evenings where a cigarette joined them as they sat down to eat.  it was never mentioned but he could see that he wasn’t the only one who knew & those were the only nights that jinki’s fingers didn’t find hers atop or below the table.

for a time, blame fell to jinki in taemin’s eyes.  if he would just pick one of them then gwiboon would be happy.  if he would just stay with her she would be happy.  if he wouldn’t keep coming & going she would be happy.  he didn’t love her enough.  he didn’t deserve her.  it would have been so much simpler for her to be healed if the wound were a cut from a single blade.  it was clear that more than just one man played a role in the days of darkness & smoke but he clung to the blame as long as he could rationalize it because it was an uncomplicated conclusion.  it also wasn’t the truth but lies are often ever more comforting.

tonight is a blend of fingertips & smoke; a bad day turning into a good night.  he’s watching their hands a little too intently to hear his name & it takes fingertips tapping the back of his hand to draw his attention.  it’s minho tilting his head towards jinki who’s smiling at him with gwiboon’s hand resting on his palm.

“gwiboon & minho want to go to the fair on sunday.  want to come?  my treat.”  he could, he has the day off.  not much money, though, & he wonders what’s included when jinki says “my treat”.  he nods & hopes for cotton candy as he says “yes” because he has no reason to say “no”.

the day is warm & the air soft with the hint of a breeze when they arrive.  he keeps his hands in his pockets self-consciously as he watches jinki pull away from gwiboon just long enough to buy their tickets.  fingertips scratch at the bright orange paper band now attached to his wrist as they move across the grass towards the rides.  gwiboon & jinki are holding hands & occasionally they stop at a booth along the way so that one or the other can point & gwiboon can rest her head on jinki’s shoulder.  he glances at minho out of the corner of his eye but usually finds him engrossed in what the others are looking at.  it’s weird wanting to hold his friend’s boyfriend’s hand even though she’s told him he should just ask.  he just hasn’t worked up the courage to do so yet & now doesn’t seem like the right time.

the tumultuous thoughts running through his head are broken apart by the sudden increase in the volume of the others’ conversation & he hears gwiboon cry “no!  don’t tease me!  you’re horrible!  i hate you!  you’re awful!” as she punches jinki on the shoulder & goes to cling to minho’s arm, the two men laughing & gwiboon’s hand patted beneath minho’s palm.

“don’t worry boonie.  i won’t let the mean old man take you up on the big scary roller coaster.”  jinki moves his hands up, curling his fingers, & takes a step towards the pair as he lets out a soft roar.  she reaches out & punches him again, this time on the chest, & then buries her face against minho who kisses her hair.  taemin’s still a little confused & isn’t quite sure what’s making everyone laugh but he trusts minho’s smile & gwiboon’s indignation.

“you should take taemin.”  it’s gwiboon’s suggestion & minho voices his agreement.  jinki hesitates.  taemin his lips & tentatively asks, “where?”

“roller coaster”, minho replies.  “gwiboon hates them & jinki loves them.  i’m neutral on the topic.”

“oh.  sure, i’ll go.”  in truth he’d wanted to try the one whose passengers he’d heard scream while they were still in the parking lot.  now that the offer was made he wanted to take it.  even if it meant he’d be alone with jinki.  & if the slight falter in jinki’s smile & forced “great” is any indication he’s not the only one agreeing just because there’s no one else to enjoy the ride with. 

their conversation while in line is stilted & driven mostly by taemin’s desire to not appear ungrateful to the man who paid for him to be able to climb aboard the roller coaster they’re now buckling into.  a clichéd “ready?” from jinki is followed by a nod & a half-hearted smile as they grip the metal bar in front of them & the ride begins.

~

taemin’s slightly dizzy & his throat burns & nearly all the tension between him & jinki has been scattered across the field as they climb aboard ride after ride & scream far into the afternoon.  three hours, gwiboon will curtly tell them later, is the amount of time that passes between them leaving the other two to them being found laughing with bright eyes & animated hands as they make their way back to the first one for their fifth ride on it.

minho drives them to the house & gwiboon rides with jinki in the back with her feet in his lap as he massages her ankles & tells her about the rides he & taemin had been on.  taemin glances back at them & sees a soft smile on her face while jinki’s attentions are directed solely on her legs.  he turns back & watches the streets until they pull into the drive.

everyone moves in different directions: the bedroom, the bathroom, the patio.  minho’s blazing up & gwiboon’s coming back out in slippers followed by jinki who’s rubbing his hands.  between the rides & the ride home he’d forgotten that they were grilling burgers tonight, a last hoo-rah before the chill of autumn made such an act unpleasant at best.  the potato salad is ready but the beans need to be warmed & the grill heated up & he sits down at the bar to watch which task is going to be taken by whom.  gwiboon presses a kiss to jinki’s temple & a hand to his waist as she whispers something in his ear.  the plate of patties is pulled from the fridge & she rubs taemin’s shoulder absently as she passes on her way to the door.  he watches as she steps outside with the platter: it’s her fingers that turn the knobs & begin cooking their meal.

he turns back to find jinki fiddling in a drawer with a frown.  he swallows & takes a breath.

“thanks, by the way.  i had a great time today.”

“yeah, me too.”  the response is murmured & distracted, jinki’s fingers still shifting noisily through the drawer.

“also, thanks for getting me the job.  i never really thanked you for that.”

“i got you an interview.  you got yourself the job.”

“well you did put yourself out there even though you didn’t know me.  so thanks.”

“gwiboon said you were worth the risk.”  taemin’s breath catches in his throat & he shakes his head.  “besides,” jinki continued, “even if i got you the job you’re the one who’s kept it for the last two months.  don’t diminish that.  that’s your hard work.”  the drawer slammed shut as he muttered, “where is the damn can opener?”

“gwiboon put it up in the cupboard with the wooden spoons.”

“why?”  taemin just shrugs.  they both knew why: gwiboon organizes when she’s sad.  jinki’s eyes soften & he bites his lip as he moves to the cupboard with the wooden spoons & pulls out the missing can opener.  the hinges squeak as he began to close it, & again as he pulls it back open & grabs a spoon.

“can i help?”  it seems the thing to ask.

“no, i got it.  it’s just beans.”  he laughs & glances over at taemin with a smile before reaching up to pull down a pot.  he watches as jinki begins opening the giant cans, filling up the pot with the beans & little chunks of bacon, placing it on a burner then turning a knob so that the little red light on the stove glows. 

“kinda like to apologize too.”  jinki turns on the tap just as he speak & he turns it down quickly, rinsing out the cans as he glances over.

“what?”

“i wanted to say i’m sorry.”

“for what?” 

“for being a jerk.” 

“when?”

“since we met.”  jinki just snorts & turns off the water, wiping his hands on the pale blue towel hanging over the oven door.

“yeah, you’ve made it pretty clear you don’t like me.  & it’s ok taemin.  we don’t have to be friends.”  he turns back to the stove & stirs the beans.

“could we be, though?  i haven’t ed it up that bad have i?”  jinki chuckles & turns back with a confused smile as he continues to stir the pot.

“no you haven’t ed it up that bad.  but there’s clearly something about me that you don’t like & i don’t think our shared enthusiasm for roller coasters is going to change that.”  taemin sighs & runs his fingers through his hair. 

“look.  my last boyfriend started drinking & it got really bad & that’s how i ended up here.  then the first few times we met you were pretty wasted & it just”, he waved his hand in the air, “built from there.” 

 “oh.”  the kitchen’s quiet enough to hear the hum of the refrigerator & the soft gurgle of the beans cooking.  it’s not uncomfortable because he knows jinki well enough now to know that he’s thinking & not angry, despite his face & the arms he’s now crossing.  “so that’s it?”

“yeah.”

“oh.  well, ok.  i mean...not to sound insensitive, but how do you want this to work?”

“what do you mean?”

“do you expect me to stop drinking?”

“no, that’s...that’s my thing.  it was just...everything was so fresh & raw.  thinking about it, you were kind of a scapegoat.  i had to get mad at something & you were kind of it.”  his fingers are scratching at his scalp & his chest burns.  “, i’ve been an .”  jinki’s just watching him when he looks back up.  “sorry.”

jinki shrugs with pursed lips, his hands slipping easily into pockets.

“hey, no.  i get it.  to be fair it’s not like i made a huge effort either.  are you ok now?”

“getting better.”

“good.”  he’s nodding & taemin reflexively nods too.  that’s all he wanted to say & now that he has he finds that he wants to say more.  so he asks a few leading questions & laughs at the jokes that jinki makes: jinki really is funny, no matter what gwiboon says. 

the beans finish & are poured into a bowl taemin points the location out to for jinki.  the stove is turned off, & jinki pulls three glass bottles out of the fridge, hands them to taemin before grabbing the steaming bowl.

“let’s go.  they’re waiting for us outside.”