"Mute"

"I choose Mark. Because I want to know what it's like to live with glue in my mouth"

"Mark is no jam. No fun."

"You wouldn't even notice Mark in the room"

"Mark is like an object in the room. It feels like I use the room by myself"

"I want to become closer to Mark but he never talks"

"I'm close with all the members but awkward with Mark"

"What do you know in life"

"Sometimes it feels like there are only 6 members in GOT7"

All the things said as a joke, stuck in Mark's head. They were like a tornado of words destroying his confidence bit by bit. Slowly but gradually. Jackson was the one who started with the jokes but it didn't take long for the rest of the members to chime in too. No one even looked at Mark's face to see how he felt about the jokes. If they glanced his way, they never looked long enough to see past the façade of a neutral smile.

The jokes were so amusing that sometimes the members would even joke amongst themselves in their free time just for fun. To pass time. Without any interviews prompting them to do so. They would crack a joke after a joke -each hurting no less than the previous one- like Mark wasn't even there, in the same room. Like Mark's presence wasn't strong enough to notice, proving their jokes true. Like Mark wasn't hurting behind his timid humorless smile. Like Mark was invisible.

Mark was strong. Everyone in the group knew this. Everyone who spent their time with Mark knew it. He was smart and hard working. He would quietly do his share of work and even beyond that, without caring whether his hard work was being acknowledged by others or not. He only focused on doing a good job and it was enough that he knew he did his part. That he was improving each day. That he could somehow bring something to GOT7 too. That was a part of the reason why the members used to say that among the members Mark was the most masculine inside despite his cute outer appearance.

Mark was someone the members could depend on. He was someone who Jaebum could sometimes share his leadership responsibilities with. Especially when they went abroad. Mark would take the wheel in his hands and the role of the eldest. He would temporarily lead when Jaebum wasn't able to. He would take care of the members and cater to their needs.

When the group's mood-maker was feeling sick but still forced to perform on stage, Mark would try to lift the atmosphere by being uncharacteristically loud and hyper so the fans wouldn't be disappointed. In these times Bambam would notice what he was doing and join the act too. 

When the leader was stuck in a chair due to his herniated disc, Mark would make an effort during the performance to make Jaebum feel part of GOT7. Whether it was running towards the sitting leader during Mark's solo parts to put an arm around the broad shoulders or dancing while facing the sitting boy instead of the audience.

When the group's sunshine Youngjae, was feeling shy about speaking English in front of an enormous audience full native-speakers, Mark would encourage him by asking questions in English for him to answer. Mark would direct Youngjae's speech so the fans would understand the sunshine better.

Mark though normally strong and dependable, had reached his limit.

At the beginning of the jokes, Mark was too flabbergasted to react to them. Later after the same joke surfaced again, he would pipe up and deny it, not caring that it was in the middle of the recording. However, that didn't stop the jokes. No. It was only the beginning. As the jokes were repeated, again and again, his confidence was being eaten away making him second guess everything he thought was true about himself. The jokes blended with reality. With facts. Mark grew even quieter. He withdrew back into himself. If the others noticed, they didn't do anything different to show it. Instead, the jokes only got more abundant.

Never before had he felt so alone. So invisible. So vulnerable.

……

It was in the middle of the final rehearsals on stage, just before the concert, when it happened.

Mark did his trademark slow-motion cartwheels, after which he threw himself forward to do a roundoff followed with a few back handsprings. The previous stunts preparing him for the Grand Finale. He took speed and force from the last back handspring to throw himself up high in the air.

In mid-air, it felt like everything had slowed down like it always felt. They hadn't been doing any material tricking in their newer choreographies anymore, but his muscles still remembered. And God did he miss the feeling of flying in the air. Before he knew it he was already coming down, his flying cut short. As soon as his feet hit the floor, he knew he landed wrong. He could feel his whole weight come down on his twisted ankle. Mark crumbled on the floor. And tumbled a few meters towards the edge of the stage due to the sheer force of his landing.

The pain came flooding in almost immediately despite the adrenaline that was still in his system. The pain rendered him immobile.  He didn't know how long he was sitting on top of his ankles on the floor, his fisted hands pressing the floor to help him cope with the pain, his head hung forward, eyes squeezed shut and eyelashes clued together with few tears of pain.

Through his pain, he felt a warm hand on his shoulder. He rigidly shook his head to the side, not trusting his voice to say that he couldn't move at the moment. After a small eternity later, Mark shakily unclenched one of his hand to blindly reach forward. As soon as he reached, a warm hand took his hand in their own. The hand on his shoulder tightened and hugged him closer to a warm chest before he was carefully lifted up to a standing position.

Mark almost crumpled back on the floor, pain on his ankle increasing under his weight, if not for the stronghold on his shoulder that kept him upright. The hold on his shoulder shifted down to his waist to secure him in a standing position better. Mark shakily let out a breath and fluttered his eyes open.

Jinyoung's concerned face greeted him and Jinyoung's stronghold on his waist tightened instinctively upon seeing his painful expression. Other members were gathered around them but no one said a word. It was eerily quiet, only Mark's heavy breathing could be heard as everyone was looking at their eldest who seemed so uncharacteristically fragile.

Noticing this, Mark put up a strong front not wanting to worry the others any further.

He gave Jinyoung a tense nod to signal that he was ready to move. Quietly Jinyoung half carried, half helped limping-Mark walk off-stage. Other members followed them closely behind.

The only sound to be heard was their shoes hitting the floor as they walked.

They abruptly stopped, when Mark let out an involuntary whimper after almost crumpling on the floor yet again. Jinyoung turned his head sideways to look at Mark intently. Mark was stubbornly looking at his feet, eyebrows furrowed while biting his lip. He looked like he was in an enormous amount of pain, just barely managing to keep himself from grimacing. He was as stiff as a rock and there was a sufficient amount of sweat forming on his temples.

Jinyoung let out a sigh. He carefully untangled himself from Mark and kneeled in front of Mark with his back facing Mark.

Jinyoung looked behind his shoulder at Mark, eyes hard, voice commanding "Get on"

Mark felt the eyes of the others on him as he slowly shook his head. He could walk on his own just fine. He didn't need anyone's help. He didn't need to be piggy-bagged around like he was some weakling. 

Something flashed through Jinyoung's eyes as his jaw tensed. "It's clear, you cannot walk" He gave Mark a pointed look to his leg. "You can barely even stand. Just get on"

Mark was about to stubbornly shake his head again when Jinyoung interrupted him. "Just do it for me. Please" Jinyoung searched Mark's face for a bit and continued his voice a bit sad "You can lean on me, you know. You don't always have to do everything alone. Stop being so difficult"

Mark stubbornly looked to the side to avoid Jinyoung's eyes and accidentally caught Youngjae's. He looked so worried and scared, it made Mark think. Maybe he was being too difficult.

One more look at Jinyoung's pleading look, and a push on his back from one of the members standing behind him, Mark found himself on Jinyoung's back.

Jinyoung held Mark's thighs securely and stood up. He started walking towards to dressing rooms where the paramedic that was called as soon as the fall happened, waited. The walk wasn't long at all. Only 5 minutes tops but with so many staff members fussing around the boys to see Mark's condition, it still took a toll on Mark who hid his face between Jinyoung's shoulder blades trying to block everything out.

It turns out that unfortunately Mark had severely sprained his ankle but luckily no ligaments were torn and no bones suffered any fractures. He still had to be driven to a hospital for an X-ray to make sure that there were no microfractures nor ruptures, which there wasn't. Still, the fact was that he would have to rest his ankle for a certain amount of time. Meaning he couldn't dance let alone do any martial tricking the fans loved so much.      

Mark couldn't help his mood from plummeting down further. He felt like he was disappointing everyone and on top of that, he became a burden to the team. He hated it. He hated so much. It was already bad when he was invisible. But at least then even when he was crippled emotionally, it didn't affect anyone else. However now that it was physical it affected everyone around. He didn't want to inconvenience anyone's life. But that seemed inevitable now.

Mark was determined to at least get back to the dorms on his own. The manager had just dropped him off at the dorm building, walked him inside and told him to wait in the corridor while the manager went to park the car. The two of them had gone to the hospital alone against the will of the members, to be able to slip in undetected. The other members opted to stay and wait in the dorm.

The dorm as they called it was an apartment on the 8th floor of the building. He just had to walk to the end of the corridor take an elevator and after a bit more walking he would be there. It wasn't that difficult. He could definitely make it.

Mark was about to take a careful step forward from the wall he was leaning against, when he felt someone lift his arm up to put it on a sturdy shoulder to support him. He turned towards the person only to see Jackson with a concerned expression.

The expression irritated Mark to no end. It triggered something deep inside him. All the repressed emotions over the years surfaced all at once in the form of anger. The memories of Jackson joking on his expense, of Jackson slowly disappearing leaving a vacant whole in his life, of Jackson having so much fun with anyone that wasn’t Mark, of Jackson making Mark feel insignificant, flickered through his mind like a movie made for the sole purpose of torturing him. The memories were so fresh in his mind, feeling like they happened yesterday. His mind was overcrowded with all the negative memories his mind had tried to lock away. After all the hurt Jackson had caused, he had the audacity to look concerned over this? 

Mark grew angry, fast. So angry he was trembling with an urge to punch Jackson. Instead of punching, he shoved Jackson away. "Don't you touch me"

Hurt flashed through Jackson's eyes but Mark was too gone with his anger to register it.

"I'm just trying to help" Jackson tried to reason

"I don't need your help" Mark seethed between his teeth "Why do you even care?"

Jackson looked taken aback "Why wouldn't I care?" he asked confusion taking over his features.

“Why wouldn’t you care?" Mark mocked before chuckled humorlessly “Why would you care is the question.”

“Mark stop being ridiculous.” Jackson interrupted “Your ankle must hurt like a so you lash out on me. But you have to find a better excuse than me not caring about you. That’s straight up absurd.”

“I don’t think it’s that farfetched. Don’t be playing all nice now just because you want to feel good about yourself. Drop the act. We both know you don’t give a .”

“Mark” Jackson warned with a low voice his hands subconsciously clenched “I’m trying to be understanding here but there’s a limit to everything. I won’t just stand by and be your punching bag no matter how ty you’re feeling”

Jackson eyed Mark for a while, noting how Mark was quietly fuming. His jaw clenched and eyes piercing. He looked so different from the Mark that Jackson knew. Jackson had no idea where the hostility was coming from but he was determined to help his friend. So calmed himself down and tried a softer approach. “Hey, listen I care about you a lot. And you know it. Stop being ridiculous. You are my best friend of course I want to be here for you when you clearly need help”

Mark smirked as he got angrier with every word that left Jackson’s lips. Memories flashing behind his eyes contradicting with each word he heard. “When was the last time you acted like a friend?” Mark spat”And you call me your best friend? You don’t really even consider me as your friend. Don’t make me laugh” Mark saw Jackson’s eyes harden but before Jackson had the chance to defend himself, Mark continued his voice like venom.

“Where were you when I needed you the most? When I was hurting alone?" Mark was panting at this point "You can't just come and go as you please. Leave without explanation then come back pretending to care"

"Wait a minute"

"My ankle is nothing compared to the emotional pain I felt. Where were you then?" Mark squeezed his fist harder so he felt his nails pierce the skin of his palm trying to get a hold of himself. He tried to even out his breathing. Nothing really mattered. This conversation was pointless anyway. He knew nothing would change even if all of his bottled up feelings poured out in the open. This would only affect Mark afterwards. He was just hurting himself more the longer he continued to stand there with Jackson. He had already said things he knew he will regret and will say much more if he didn’t get himself together. Jackson didn’t deserve that. After all it wasn’t Jackson’s fault that they were no longer Markson of the past. Though his mind would argue with that fact.

Even with the internal turmoil and decision to be more adult about it, Mark couldn’t help the quiet words that slipped through his lips hastily. "I don't need your care now. Go shove it somewhere else. Go shove it to another charity case. I don’t care"

"Wait a ing minute!"

Mark halted mid-rant at the force of Jackson's voice. Jackson was fuming in his spot.

"You have never been alone, Mark" Jackson forced through his teeth, trying to make Mark open his eyes.

"What do you know, you weren't there to see, were you?" Mark spat back with a dark look in his eyes.

"Wake the up Mark! Look around you for once! You always have people crowding around you! No one ever ing leaves you alone for a goddamn minute"

The scary thing about Jackson was how low his voice got when his anger flared up. "Why are you acting like the ing victim, Mark? Cause you are not." At this point, Jackson looked completely pissed off "How am I supposed to feel when you act like my feelings for you are nothing?"

Jackson took a break to take a breath then continued more quietly "I have feelings too, Mark. Have you ever considered how I feel?"

Jackson took a step closer to Mark who was now hugging himself defensively. His eyes were blurry with unshed tears of anger. Jackson continued calmly "Have you ever considered what I feel like when you look so disgusted after I tried to give you a birthday kiss on the cheek but when it comes to Jinyoung you always look so happy?"

Mark furrowed his eyebrows as Jackson continued to close the distance between them. “How does Jinyoung even have to do with anything?” Mark managed despite his throat threatening to close up with emotion.

Jackson was now standing directly in front of Mark. Their close proximity was so overwhelming that Mark had to look down. Mark could feel Jackson's warmth radiating from his body. And his familiar scent was all Mark could breathe in.  

"Hell, you even kiss him without any specific reason. How am I supposed to feel about it? Tell me, Mark."

Mark couldn't utter a word despite Jackson giving him enough time to answer. Mark's mouth was glued shut like Jaebum had once joked. There was a lump in his throat that he couldn't swallow away. And his nose was becoming runny. There was pressure in his brain, disabling him from thinking straight. All the signs were there, but Mark was determined not to cry. He won't give Jackson that satisfaction. He was already being more vulnerable than he liked.

Mark felt Jackson tilting his head down to chase Mark's gaze. Jackson tilted down until he was in the line of Mark's blurry sight. Mark stubbornly, turned further to the side escaping the eye contact. He was determined not to show Jackson how weak he really felt.

"I never left, Mark" Jackson began gently this time "I was always with you and I will always be whether you notice me there or not" Jackson reached his hand up to brush away a single tear that had escaped Mark's eye. The slight touch burned and lingered even after Jackson had dropped his hands to his sides.

"But I know when to stop chasing for something that will never happen" Jackson sounded dejected and he let his shoulders sag. His previous anger nowhere to be seen.

Mark lifted his eyes up in confusion "Jackson" his name sounded so foreign coming from Mark's mouth after so long "What are you saying?"

Now it was Mark's turn to chase Jackson's eyes but Jackson kept his eyes on the ground. Mark felt so lost and confused. He couldn’t help feeling like there was some horrible misunderstanding between them. But he didn’t know how to get some clarity into the situation. Not when Jackson was being closed off like that.

They were still standing in each other’s spaces, so Mark reached out to touch Jackson’s arm to prompt him to say something. The Jackson in the past always reacted well to Mark’s touches, however the Jackson currently standing in front of Mark jerked his arm away as if burned and took a step back to physically distance himself from Mark.

No matter how mean Mark was just minutes ago and no matter how he told himself the reaction was only expected in the current situation, Mark still couldn’t help but feel hurt by it. What a hypocrite.

“You know what, it’s nothing” Jackson said with an exhausted sigh. “It doesn’t matter. Forget it” And that was clearly the end of the conversation. “Just let me help you” Jackson said changing the topic.

He draped Mark’s arm over his shoulder and with the other hand he supported Mark by his slim waist. This time Mark limply let Jackson help him without protesting. They made their way to the dorms in a complete silence. Both lost in their own thoughts.

Just before Jackson was reaching out to open the front door to their apartment, when they finally reached the door, Mark quickly circled his fingers around Jackson’s wrist stopping the latter from opening the door.

“What if…” Mark cleared his throat “What if I can’t forget it? What did you mean?” Mark’s thoughts were muddled but he knew for sure that he would regret it if he didn’t at least try and understand what Jackson was thinking. Although Jackson said things that didn’t make sense to Mark, it felt like it was the first time in a long time that Jackson was genuinely there, present with Mark. And he wasn’t about to let Jackson slip through his fingers again.

Jackson was quiet for a while looking like he was contemplating something before he sighed “I told it was nothing important” He gave Mark a small smile “Don’t worry about it” with that Jackson pulled the door open overpowering Mark’s tightened grip around his wrist.

Jackson then carefully pulled Mark inside. And hollered to the rest of the members announcing their arrival.

Soon Mark was surrounded by the rest of the members as Jackson let himself be pushed aside further away from Mark.

Mark knitted his eyebrows together feeling utterly lost as his eyes followed Jackson's retreating form.

The fact was that when Jackson decided on not sharing, nothing could make him change his mind. He was stubborn like that. It was no big news. Mark already knew the chances of Jackson continuing their conversation was close to zero. Still it did nothing to stop the dread that bloomed in his heart.

What was it that he wasn’t seeing?