My mind kept on telling me to stay away, that this is wrong, that I shouldn’t feel this way. I expected nothing from you, from us. It was easier to live this way, low expectation from the feeling of being distress and misery.  I told myself that I still don’t need someone.

I memorized every curved of your beautiful hands and sometimes I just feel like kissing the mole in your thumb finger. I know it is wrong so before I actually do it, I stopped myself. Like how I stopped and still trying to stop these waves of feelings for you. It is overwhelming to feel this way and I came to conclusion that I’d rather not feel.

Kim Junmyeon, our leader, the only person who knows my feelings for you laughed so hard when I told him about the absurd situations we’re in, I’m in.

“Your story is like a cliché – best friend love story that I still want to watch even though I know that there’s only two options of endings, either you get together or not” Junmyeon said and handed me the ‘guide script’ for our new variety show.

“So which of the two options is your ending?” He asked me with seriousness in his voice.

Ah, how much I despise Junmyeon whenever he made me speechless regardless if he was joking or being serious.

“Maybe the latter” I said and he looked at me, encouraging to talk more but I didn’t.

He just sighed and smiled a bit, “just be careful” was his last word and left me inside my shared room with Baekhyun.

I talked to Junmyeon before about the ideas and reasons why “you and me”, “me and you”, “us”, “we” won’t happen and will never happen.

“Maybe all these feeling were just imagination? My imagination of wanting to feel romance again, perhaps? But I am not that desperate for romance hence, I don’t need it.

“Maybe you’ll hate me?”

“Maybe you don’t feel the same?”

“Maybe we are meant just to be band mates only? Just your old roommate? “

 

I thought I was keen enough to figure out the difference between the answer of my ‘maybes’ and this kind of romance. I felt very motorized, automated, and not so much of human feelings, I didn’t like it but I was just being practical.

 

However, reality is such a biatch and just randomly slapped me in the face. It was during those days that we’re talking inside the dorm about my getaways with Kasper in different places and you told me that you were actually jealous and wanted to come with me if your schedule was not tight. You said that you are lonely and tired and wanted a short get away with this busy, stressful life.

For the first time, again, I saw the prevue of the real you, of how you feel. You are lonely. Baekhyun, you shouldn’t feel this way. So I hugged you, like I always do, it’s a normal thing to us, but it felt different this time. I wanted you to stop feeling this way; I wanted to take all your loneliness. And for the first time, at the end of the day all that matters to me is your happiness.

I wonder what kind of relationship we do have.

RELATIONSHIP

Big and scary word that I strained to not want from you. So, I busied, ignore as much as I can and convinced myself that you’re just a danger, a trouble and will only break my heart.

But there were also those times when you looked at me like you actually like me, like I am all that matters to you. When you started complimenting me inside our dorm, how you smiled at me and how you tell me your future getaways, with me. It was funny how I told and convinced myself that it was only my imagination and just a reflection of how I feel about you that I started imagining things from you, how I wanted something more from you, maybe my subconsciousness is right, I am desperate to have more from you, from us. Maybe I’m just afraid of rejection that’s why I still don’t tell you how I feel because it is simply wrong for two band members, both guys to fall in love. Imagine, the scandal.

 

But after years of denial, I finally accepted that I like you, scratch that, I love you. I love you Byun Baekhyun, so much that it hurt.

But that thing, I don’t tell you and will not tell you.

If I were brave enough to take a risk, you’d be it. It’ll always be you.

But like what Junmyeon said when I told him that I won’t tell you how I feel.

“…Why not? You’re a coward Chanyeol”

I am really a coward but I’d rather be comfortable. So I’ll just stand here watch you from a far, like I always do. Perhaps, we’re not really meant to be? Perhaps, we’re just meant to touch each other and be best of friends until we’re ready to hold on to something more permanent, more official.

I memorized every curved of your beautiful hands and sometimes I just feel like kissing the mole in your thumb finger. So I did, because you are special to me.

 

“Chanyeol, are we good?” you asked me onetime when I tried to stay away from you, again.

This is silly, I told myself.  I am silly. But I am still a coward.

“We are Baek, I am just thinking some things, don’t worry. I don’t hate you or something, believe me, far from it” I smiled at you and you smiled back. That kind of smile again, smile like you really like me.

But I am coward but if I were brave enough to accept defeat, I will tell you how I feel. But I am afraid to take a risk, maybe I’ll continue to pretend that we are nothing.

But please always remember that whenever I call you, say your name and whenever I hold you tight, kiss your beautiful hands and forehead, wish you a goodnight whenever we were lucky enough to sleep like a normal citizen, they meant more than anything to me.

Always remember that, I care for you and I love you.

 

 

 

But maybe I’m still holding on to my answer to Junmyeon’s question.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I still choose the latter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

---- end.

i love you. 

 

 

 

 

 

“There's a time and place for everything, and I believe it’s called 'fan fiction'.” 
―  Joss Whedon