SINB

“Dad what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” I say as I held my dad up. He’d collapsed in my arms.

UNIVERSE: So fragile.

I tried to read his eyes, but they were lost and transparent. He went completely quite, hugging me so tightly. It wasn’t long before the loud volume of the T.V caught my attention. I stared at it for so long, searching for the answers. All I could hear was the reporter repeating my mum’s name over and over and over again.

I pulled away from his hug. “Where’s eomma?” I shook him, as if I could get the answers out of him. I knew the answer. I had heard it so clearly, but I want to hear it from him. Only because then I will know it would be true.

“WHERE IS SHE?!” I was yelling now. He only shook his head and covered his face with his shaking hands.

“Answer me.” he had his head hanging low and I lifted his chin up so I could look into his eyes. His pit black eyes, was like a black hole pulling me in. Everything felt wrong from this point.

It doesn’t make any sense. All of this.

My heart was beating fast and my chest was tight when I was forced to accept the truth. Everything after that was a total blur. I don’t remember much. I just followed my dad everywhere he went. I was in the car one minute and then the next I wasn’t. Before I knew it, I was on top of the cliff where my mum drove off. Plunging into the sea. Where I can never see her again. I sat in the car while my dad went to talk to the policeman.

MR HWANG

“We weren’t able to locate the body.” The policeman says while writing notes in his notepad.

“What do you mean you weren’t able to locate the body?” I say.

“Sir, we’ve had our most trusted men down there. No body was found.”

“That’s my wife’s car! It was clear she drove off the cliff! Are you telling me the car had driven by itself?”

“Mr Hwang. Please return to your vehicle and get yourself some coffee or something. Let me and the team investigate deeper into this and I will personally contact you when we have any results.” The police officer handed me his business card. “Call me if you have any more quires. Rest, I know you’ve gone through a lot.” I didn’t know if I like him or not. I don’t care right now. I retrieved back to the car and jumped in.

I can’t let Sinb know.

SINB

“Nothing?”

“I’m afraid so.” He says before pulling out a cigarette. “Do you mind?” I shook my head and he put the between his lips and lit it. He took a drag and let it out, filling the car with the toxic fumes.

I hate cigarettes.

I don’t know how long we’ve been driving for and I didn’t realise I was still with him until he spoke. “We’re going to stop at a motel and eat before going back home.” I nodded.

“Say something Sinb. You’re awfully quite. Let’s forget all of this for now.” He laughs.

“How could you say that?”

“I know you want to free yourself from all this mess.”

“Free? Are you serious? Free? Where the were you? No, dad I can’t free myself from this, this will always haunt me. Only if you were with her.”

“Sinb. Come on now.”

“Tell me where she is and we can continue talking.” He brakes the car and turns to look at me. The streets were empty and it started to rain. “This doesn’t make sense. You are acting like this. Like everything is so fine.”

“Sinb.” he whispers my name.

“Sinb! Sinb! Sinb! What?! Stop saying my name?! I know you know something and you are hiding it from me.”

“Trust me I don’t. I know nothing.”

“Tell me lies old man. That’s the best you can do.” I got out of the car and began walking away. I heard my dad opening the car door and ran up to me. He grabbed my shoulder and spun me around so I faced him.

“Stop crying please.” I didn’t know I was crying, until my vision blurred out.

“I didn’t want to cry because I wanted to be strong for you.” He opened his arms to wrap his arms around my body, but I push him away. “But I guess I had made a mistake.” I looked up at him and his eyes burned of firing flames. He grabbed a fistful of my shirt and pulled me closer so that our faces were inches apart.

“You think it’s all about you. I am so sick of this! Sick of all of this!” I shoved him away. “Get back into the car, that’s an order.”

“No. From today you have no control over my life. So stay out of it.” His fist met the side of my face and I fell to the ground.

“There are consequences Sinb. You are coming with me. Or else. I’ve already asked you nicely.”

“Or else what? You’re going to drive me off the cliff with you? Just like mum? You planned all of this, didn’t you? You killed mum didn’t you?”

“Maybe I did.”

“The world is complex, but now, everything now. It doesn’t connect. I can’t just wake up and mum suddenly goes missing.” I stood up turning the other way and started to jog, which broke into a run.

“You can’t run.” He yells.

What can you do dad? Tell me more lies. Tell me that everything will be okay and that we can just forget about it? I’m sorry but I can’t live that way anymore.

YUJU

“I left him ever since. I hated him so much. The night before the incident he wasn’t home and that day when I came home from school and found him in the living room. When I held him in my arms he smelt of booze and reeked of cigarettes. He had drowned himself in his sadness. Alcohol and the drugs in his system was just temporary relief for his pains. I felt sorry for him.” Sinb says.

“You felt sorry for him? He hit you.”

“I know, but my blood runs in his veins and I know he didn’t mean it. He was angry.”

“Under the influence of drugs. You are saying that it was an accident? He chose that decision and he chose to hurt you.”

“Didn’t you say he was the one who killed your mum?”

“I don’t know if he killed her. Everything doesn’t connect, there’s no evidence.” She let out a long breath. “The only way to find out is on my birthday.”

“Your birthday?”

“There’s this tape that my mum left me…”

“And?”

“I think it will tell me everything.” She my hair.

“Anyway. This has been all about me.” She squeezed my hand. “Are you feeling better?”

“A lot better, especially when you came.” She scrunches her nose.

“The world isn’t ending Sinb.”

“Of course it’s not ending, I was just worried.”

We were both smiling trying to hold back our laughter, but I couldn’t do it any longer. I was happy that she’d come over. So happy. Being attacked with this sickness made me fragile, and at any moment I might break. Laughing made me feel better.

“Give me the Walkman.” I gave her the device. She clicked in the tape and put one earpiece into my ear and the other in hers. She pressed down the play button and the soft tender music crooned to my heart. “I figured you wouldn’t get this to work anytime soon.” I laughed a little.

“Listen to it. It’s what I want to say to you.” She says. Then we got real quite. Her eyes started to search the room, looking at the carpeted floor, outside the window into the night before her eyes landed on me. I felt self-conscious and I didn’t know what I deserve to have so much of her attention. I was tired so I lied down, with my head resting on her lap. I closed my eyes and listened to the songs playing. I thought of what she had said and tried to connect what she had wanted to say in the lyrics of all these songs: “ I’m wandering unable to approach you.” It sounded so beautiful, but I didn’t know what she meant. I fell asleep. Wishing that the world was better tomorrow.

When I woke up, Sinb was gone and I was in my room. I don’t know how long I’ve been sleeping for. I look out the window and the sun it not appear to be shining through the curtains yet, so assumed it was midnight. Sinb hadn’t left anything but the Walkman on my beside table. I sat up in my bed smothered by the total darkness, swinging between consciousness and complete insanity. I got out of bed and went downstairs to find my sister passed out on the sofa. I let out a little laugh. At least she came home and done half of the promise I’ve wished she would do. I grabbed my phone that was sitting on the kitchen bench and my sister’s packet of cigarettes. She would be in so much sh*t if our parents found out she’s been smoking her way to hell.

I sat down on the front porch and it began to rain in the rhythm of my throbbing headache. I slipped a blunt in between my lips but don’t light it. What a joke I’m not a smoker in fact I can’t stand the smell of it. I stared into the black sky, thinking how scary and beautiful it is.

SINB

I stood in silence out on my balcony staring at the falling rain before my phone vibrates. I picked it up half expecting it to be Yuju, but Eunha’s names flickers on the surface of the screen.

“Hello?”

“Sinb…where are you?”

“I’m at home why?” she was silent for a couple of seconds and the static between us rings loudly in our ears.

“…Sowon.”

“What about h…” I haven’t finished speaking before Eunha burst into tears on the other side of the line.

“Eunha. Please tell me what’s wrong?” The constant silence sent shivers down my spine, and I knew something wasn’t right especially not at 3am in the morning. “Stay put I’m coming.”

“Hurry.”

“Don’t worry I’m coming. Stay on the line.” I went back inside and grabbed my jacket and ran out of the apartment. “Talk to me.”

“Sowon’s headache seems to be getting worse.”

“Headache? She said that it was fine and wasn’t getting them anymore.”

“She keeps persisting doesn’t she? I told her she needs to go see the doctors, but she never seem to listen.”

“How is she doing?” I tried to ask her in my calmest voice possible.

“Her fever doesn’t seem to be going down and she’s shaking…” Eunha’s voice shakes.

“She kept asking me who I was. And I kept saying my name over and over. Until she remembers. She kept saying sorry, but I don’t know what she was sorry for.”

“Eunha, watch her I’m coming.” I speed up until I saw her house in the distance and the lights shining on the second floor was the only source of light sprawling out onto the dark streets.

“Are you okay?” I ask her, trying to calm her down.

“No. I’m so scared I’m going to lose her.”

“Don’t be because she ain’t going anywhere without my permission.” Eunha cries again and I could her Sowon’s heavy breathing. “Eunha open the door, I’m here.”

I hung up the phone and waited at the front door. Eunha swung the door open and ran into my arms.

“It’s okay. How is she doing?”

“Worse.” She says as we climb the stairs to Sowon’s room. My legs became heavier and heavier with every step I took. And with every step I was so scared of what sight I would have to face.

I arrived at my final destination, seeing my friend curled up in a ball holding her head. I ran to her and dropped to my knees next to her bed.

“Sowon, it’s Sinb.” I shook her a little. She lifted her head up to look at me. I couldn’t help but burst into tears looking at her. She looked so small and helpless. Her pale face, her bloodshot and teary eyes left me so broken and ashamed that I didn’t notice any of this before. I knew I was too late.

“Sowon where does it hurt?” She just stared at me, confused and absolutely lost. “Answer me please.” She shook her head and proceeded to curl up into a ball.

“We have to get her to the hospital now!”

“No.” Eunha whispers.

“No? Eunha, look at her.”

“I promise not to tell anyone. I promise not to even tell her parents when things are at its worse. We can’t.”

“Eunha, look at me. We don’t know what the hell is wrong with her and clearly if we don’t get her medical attention anytime soon, your Sowon can go.” I picked Sowon up in my arms and carried her downstairs. “Grab the car keys.”

“Sinb, you can’t drive.”

“And you can?”

“We are running out of time!” I stepped outside opened the car and dropped her in the passenger seat fastening her seatbelt. Sowon groans and kicks in pain. I grabbed the car keys out of Eunha’s hand and jumped into the drivers seat.

“Get in.” I say before starting the car. Eunha eventually gave in.

We’ve been waiting in the waiting room for almost two hours. Eunha sat across from me, staring at her hands playing with the ring on her finger. The hospital wasn’t the regular hospitals with bustling people in every direction. It was quite. There was absolutely nothing but the waiting room itself, lined with more rows of chairs in the hallway. There wasn’t even a T.V to occupy any of our worried minds.

“When?” Eunha shook her head and looks up at me with her sad eyes.

“I don’t know.” I took in a deep breath.

“I need to know.”

“I can’t tell you.”

“Why? She’s my friend too.”

“Me telling you to come at this time. Is already enough.”

“How hard is it just to tell me? I just want to know so I can help her.” She chuckled.

“Help her? God you must be kidding me. You can’t even help yourself.” I didn’t say anything, but thought of her harsh words again.

“What’s gotten into you?” I finally asked her.

“You wouldn’t know.” She let out a laugh. “…No you wouldn’t know. You can’t help her Sinb-ah, you couldn’t even help your dad.”

“You’ve gone too far.”

Eunha was about to open to say something but closes it when we heard footsteps approaching us.

“Are you Kim Sojung’s accompany?

“Yes” I say.

“Is her guardian with her or is it just you both?

“It’s just the both of us.”

“Is everything okay with her?” Eunha says so desperately.

“I am afraid I can’t give you any liable information about her condition unless she is with her family.”

“Doctor, I know you are just doing your job. But as her friend I really need to know about her conditions right now.” He let out a sigh.

“We need to contact her parents.”

“Please listen to us, her parents are not in town.” I almost yelled at him. He let his arms drop to his side and let out a breath.

“This way.” We both followed him, leading us to his office. He motions us to sit down in the seats and went to sit at his desk.

“Okay. So Sojung…Sojung’s conditions.” He looks down at his hands before he eyes shift in our direction. “Her condition isn’t in the very best state. What I mean by this is that she is developing what we call an acute brain malfunction. She’s suffering from a mental illness. Before this causes any worry within you, right now in simple terms is low-grade but she needs attention.”

My heart dropped at his last two words. “She has made it this far, to seek medical attention at this rate and if she could’ve left it any further along the way. She could possibly have not have made it in the most peaceful way.”

“Okay,” I could only mustered to answer those words. “I am very surprised she had the strength to endure such pain. I sure she must have very high pain tolerance.”

“When can we start treatment?”

“If the agreement is passed down to her parents, and the procedures can start right away. We need to as soon as possible.”

“Okay.”

“But there will be pros and cons about this procedure. We cannot guarantee that after this process we will succeed in avoiding a relapse, and develop a greater problems later on. Also means that she may not be able to regain her memory for the time to come.” The doctor says tapping his pen against his desk. “We will give her parents a call and I’ll leave you guys to it. Her room is just the third one on the left.”

We exited the room. The information couldn’t be retained. Instead it left us lost and didn’t seem all that real to us yet. I glanced over to Eunha, looking into her tired eyes.

“Sinb…” she sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“Please don’t be sorry about such nonsense.” I laughed.

“Eunha, go home. It’s been a long day.”

“I don’t want to leave you or Sowon alone.”

“We won’t be alone. Don’t worry.”

“Okay.”

“Here, take the taxi home.” I gave her some cash.

“Let me try to help someone…for once.”

Eunha was gone for a while and I made my way down the hallway. I remembered the last time I ever visited the hospital was when I went to visit grandma with dad, and she too left us. The closer I was to her room the more memories make their way to me. Like that one time when we stilled lived together, I caught her stuffing her face with prescribed pills, it didn’t make sense to me because she looked completely fine. Not until she started to skip her dinner sometimes, and the countless number of coffee cups lying on her bedroom floor. And the coarse sound of her voice. Sowon would go to bed only to be woken up 3 hours later screaming at something in front of her that wasn’t there. We all tried to get her to make appointments to see a counsellor but she never seems to stick to the routine. One night I went downstairs to grab a glass of water to find that the front door was left slightly open. I went to go close it, but found Sowon sitting outside the steps. In her hand she was clutching an orange container, while the other was a razor blade. It scared me half to death. “It hurts.” she said. “It’s not going away.” She looked up at me. “Tell them to go away Sinb-ah. Tell them… please” She crawled over to me hugging my leg, crying.

As I her hand I looked down at her hand and notice her ring. It was the same as Eunha’s. I smiled a little. I wasn’t surprised that she was sleeping so soundly, after the many days that turned into weeks that turned into months she had lost sleep. Unfortunately they can’t keep her that way for long, before they have to drug her up again to sleep. Does she have dreams? Nightmares? I want to know.

Sowon you idiot. Why do you have to pretend? Why didn’t you tell me?

"I have to tell Sinb." Sowon suddenly says. "Tape. The tape."

Why?