SINB

My ears wouldn’t stop ringing.

This is something I couldn’t register. Something that I’ve waited for so long was over in three seconds. And what was worse is it wasn’t someone I was looking for.

Tape. I have entered the dark side of reality.

The enigma of mum’s death lingers at the back of my head. Not just once, but all the time. Every so often when I’m left stranded alone I think about her. Every time something bad happens my head wraps around the fact about how much I had missed her. The fact that the few last years of my high school life I couldn’t get the feeling that she might be behind me. Seeing me go off into a good life. I turn around to see the empty space, filled with the ruins of my past.

I couldn’t forget the time at the funeral. The last time I could ever get to see her was only left with the memory of dad pulling me away. Refusing to let me see her before she was shoved deep into a stupid hole. Lying underground with a bunch of stupid corpses. Waiting to wither away. Waiting to get to the better side of the world.

I didn’t forget the time when I was fed with complete nonsense coming out of dad’s mouth the last time I visited her grave. “This shouldn’t exist”, he said. Maybe this address to my old shouldn’t exist at all then. I began to doubt myself at that very moment.

“I know nothing”, my inner self says.

“People are hiding stuff from you’, she goes again.

Then I think to myself that people really are not telling me anything, and that I’ve been swimming in the pool of my own stupidity and naivety. I had refused to see. I was blind and it wasn’t even my own fault. Again, I say to myself that maybe they only tried to hide things not to hurt me. I don’t know anymore. I have reached to the point that left me with no more options and the only option was left blinking on the screen in my head.  

                                                                                                         START AGAIN PLAYER 1?

                                                                                                           YES                      NO

                                                      Should I? But that means…

                                                                                                          FORGET EVERYTHING?

                                                                                                             YES             CANCEL

But I hate being weak. And I also hate not knowing everything.

Pride over prejudice?

Somebody tell me please, what is going on.

I was tired. This cast on my arm itches like crazy. The whole of my body would ripple in pain even with the smallest movement.

Here we go again.

Why didn’t he let me see Mum’s body for the last time? There wasn’t anyone there but him and me. So why? No one but her useless daughter and a husband who doesn’t know what the bloody hell he is doing.

He too didn’t want to hurt me, after what he failed to do maybe? He was too kind. My father was like that. Not the lies I’ve told people of the violence and injustice he put me under. That was only when mum’s death really affected him. His kindness didn’t realise that it hurt the people closest to him. Kindness no more when the change took a toll on him. Aggression and violence was his new best friend. He drank too much. Smoked until he coughed up blood. Closing his eyes, hoping to die. Weak. Like me.

That was not all. There was something attached to his anger, that unknown. I have the opportunity to drop all this mystery and live a perfectly normal life. It still wouldn’t be a normal life anyway. Not when I almost killed someone, and the fact that my mentally impaired buddy is missing from the goddamn hospital.

I shoved the Walkman in my bag and stood up from the bench. I looked up at the sky and I could see the clouds gather up in the sky and the droplets of rain started to shoot down.

“This must be my lucky day!” I screamed and continued to walk down the street. I look around the lit up shops. There were people laughing, joking with friends. Couples out on dates. The muffled conversations, all around me. I felt lonely all of a sudden. The story of me and my emo self. I could smell the aroma of food all floating in the air. And realised I haven’t had a proper meal for a long time. I was fed hospital food that was bland and dry. I walked a little bit more and my eyes shifted up to the neon sign blinking ‘tasty bbq’ vigorously and I could hear my stomach rumble.  

“Hello there! Welcome! Just you by yourself?” The overly enthusiastic waitress says. Must be a rookie.

“No table for two please.” I say. One for myself and one for my inner b*tch.

“Feel free to choose a table just over there.” She says, running to get the Menu. I sat myself down by the window. I look at the empty seat in front of me. I grabbed my phone to dial in a number.

I put the phone against my ear waiting.

“Hello?” her voice cracks.

“Sowon!”

“You sound weird.”

“Do I?”

“Yes.” She paused. “Maybe it’s just the after effect of my pills. I’m probably just tired.”

“You’re on pills again?”

“Yeah. But I’m pretty sure it’s some dumb placebo effect. I don’t feel anything.”

“Cool.”

“Cool? Where are you?”

“Where are you?

“Where I’m supposed to be.”

I sighed. “Sowon.”

“What?”

“Don’t lie to me.”

“I-I’m not lying.” She stutters.

“You’re not at the hospital. Is that the reason you told me not to come by the hospital? So you could run away?”

“Kinda. It’s been like what? Two weekends since I told you that. I thought you figured as my close companion you wouldn’t expect me to be that patient.” Sh*t I’ve been bedridden for 2 whole weeks?

“What did you tell that crazy front desk lady? Let alone the crazy people?”

“Easy. Tell them that you’ll hit them up with some good money.”

“Oh yeah. That’s the lady that gave me details about your disappearance. Two days huh? Sowon?”

She sighed. “ I’m not that...crazy.”

“Yeah sure. Whatever you say.”

“Are you at home?”

“Yeah why?”

“Get your dumb, lazy body the hell down here. And eat with me”

“I can’t be bothered.”

“I’m asking you nicely now. Before you’ll regret it later.”

“Fine.” I didn’t get a chance to say bye before she hung up on me. I put the phone down to see that the waitress was standing there waiting for me holding the menus while smiling ever so brightly.

“How...uh...how long have you been standing there?” I asked her.

“10 minutes. Oh that’s okay. We value costumers here. I will do my best to serve you.” She is wasting her energy. I can’t believe I see myself in her. Damn I was like. Just you wait. 2 weeks into the job you’ll be throwing the menus at the customers instead of standing there. Pray for your soul child.

“What is your best dish here?”

“The deluxe bbq deal is the best here and the spicy tofu stew is the restaurant’s best!”

“Okay I’ll have that deal and two servings of the stew.”

“Anything to drink?”

“The strongest alcohol here.”

“Won’t be too long!” I returned to staring out the window. I watch the rain pitter patter against the glass. It was a good ten minutes before Sowon appeared staring back at me through the window. And she did not look happy. I looked down at the table and did not make eye contact with her. I forgot that was kinda not in my best image. I heard her pull the seat out and dropped her body in it. Her eyes linger on my body.

“What the hell happened to you?” She says slamming her hand on the table. Catching the attention of other people in restaurant.

“Sowon calm down.” I say grabbing hold of her hand and squeezed it.

“Why are you always making me worried?”

“I’m sorry.”

“What happened?”

“I wasn’t going to tell you. But you would find out anyway at school. So I thought I better tell you now.” I looked up into her eyes. “ I was in a car accident and....your car.”

“My car was destroyed? Sinb I don’t care about the car. I can buy ten more of that but I can’t have another you. Why would you do that?”

“It wasn’t intentional.”

“Lord have mercy on me. It wasn’t intentional? So almost killing yourself was not intentional?”

“Look hear me ou-“

“There’s more to that, true?” She cuts in. “Spill it.”

I took a deep breath. “I was driving with Yuju.”

“Oh my God! That is even worse!” she leans back on the chair, pinching the middle of her forehead.

“I really am sorry.” I say.

“Where did you guys stay?”

“We spent the night at her beach house before driving home. That’s when the accident happen.”

“Cool everything is okay you are alive. Unless YUJU ISN’T?! I WILL KILL YOU!”

“No no no. Sit down!” I pulled her down from across the table. “She is fine.”

“Anyway enough. You are fine. She is fine.” Her eyebrows lifted up.

“What are you thinking?” I say.

“Did you guys do anything explicit?”

“Really Sowon?”

“Come one you must’ve done something.”

I pulled her closer and whispered in her ear. “We swam. That’s it.”

“Did you confess to her?”

“I did right before the crash. I told her I had fallen in love with her.”

“And?”

“She said I was just confused. And I had not fallen in love.”

“Well unrequited love. What did I say?”

“You’re not helping Sowon.”

“Did you kiss her?”

“Nope. That’s a little bit too fast.” I say. “Is that how you rolled when you went to steal Eunha’s heart?”

“Yep.”

“And it worked?”

“Well she slapped me. But the next day she came looking for me.”

“Well sh*t Sowon.”

“Yes sh*t.”

“I keep telling myself to let go of her. But I can’t.”

“Don’t give up.” I nodded and hummed in response.

“Deluxe bbq?”

Sowon and I spin our heads to the waitress. And she was as shocked as Sowon was.

“How long have you been standing there exactly?” Sowon asks.

“Ten minutes. But that’s okay the customers is the number one priority that’s our policy.” She puts the meat on the griller. “Here is your requested alcohol. It’s on the house.”

“Oh thank you.”

“Enjoy your meal. I’ll leave you be.” She bowed and left inside the kitchen.

“Wow. You were like that when you first started working in the convenience store..” Sowon says.

“Shut up and eat.”

“Okay since you’re paying.”

“Um who said?” I say biting into the meat. “Since you’re the one who is rich and all and I am just a creepy hobo you should pay.”

“You user.”

“Oh my. What did you say? I don’t have to pay? It’s all on you?”

“No.” she says.

“Thank you. I owe you big time.” I was about to get another bite of my meat when Sowon kicked me hard on my shin. “Damn you and your perfect long sculpted legs. You cannot use that advantage on me. I am injured. An unstable human being, incapable of functioning properly!”

“What? That was too soft? Let me do that again.”

“Stop it, you immature child.” I scream at her.

“You were born extra.”

“Did your parents come in?”

“I don’t want to talk about that.”

“You have to tell me.”

“They were informed about my business. But they quickly sent on of their men down here, to check if I was all right. The dude went in scanned the room and went out calling my parents to inform them that my a$$ was fine.”

“They seriously don’t care.”

“They don’t realize it’s all in my head.”

“Listen Sowon.” She looks up at me. “I care.”

“I know you do. So I have decided to forget about them.”

“They haven’t come back for a long time.”

“Yeah well. They bought a house in God knows where and are planning to stay there for a while.”

“Do you want to stay at my place?” she shrugs. “I’ll do fine. Like always.”

“What is with the bad atmosphere and sad stories about our lives huh? Drink up.”

“Wait.” Sowon says taking the bottle out of my hand.

“What?”

“You are 18 and single. You cannot drink.”

“Why?”

“No bad idea. You, young lady is not legal.” She stood up and went over to the cash register and paid for our meal. I walked out of the restaurant and waited for her. She walked out minutes later.  She pulled me into a hug. I wrapped my arms around her slim body. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Everything.” She kissed the top of my head. I could smell her signature perfume. She lets go of the hug and walks backwards, waving goodbye to me.

“Graduation is coming so get your sh*t together!” she yells back and runs away.

YUJU

Sinb came over tonight. Not through the front door this time. After the accident. My parents are on the hunt for her. I wasn’t allowed to go out. Not until the weekend ended and I was back at school again. And I knew what was going to happen next.

I am moving again and this time I had a legitiment reason. I have done wrong. 

Something that started so well in the beginning of my life had ended so badly that it hurt.

“What’s wrong?” she asks

“Nothing.” She stretched out her arm, the broken one. And I stretched out my broken one too.

“It’s getting better.”

“Yes it is.” She smiled.

Her faced was healed a bit. The scar on her face kinda wasn’t.

Yet she was still perfect.

“How is it up here?”

“Confided in you own room, where you were supposed to feel comfortable but not really?”

“That’s a no then.” She lies down on my bed and I too. I switched off my lamp and we stared at the glowing stars on my ceiling.

“I was discharged today.” She says

“I didn’t get to visit you much.”

“You know what?” she starts “I love the rain.”

“I don’t.” I say.

“I know.”

“I love the rain and you.” She was quite for a while. “You.”

I didn’t say anything.

“You shouldn’t say that.” I say.

“Sorry.”

“No. I just. Don’t say that.”

“Why?”

“Sinb. I don’t-“

“You don’t have to say anything. I know we are different.” She continues.

“We are definitely different. I am just hurting you that’s all.”

“That’s okay.” I can hear her sniffling a little bit. “Do you hate me?”

I hated everyone. I hated my parents. But not Sinb. Never in a million years. I just don’t know how to be your friend that’s all. How can I even be of something more?

“No, I don’t hate you. Don’t ever think that I do.”

We just lie there.

“You’ll always be my friend?”

“Yes.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

“Don’t leave yeah?”

“You too.” I could feel the lump in my throat.

First day back since the accident was amazing.

“What happened to you Yuju? I had a one-word answer, same with Sinb as well. “Accident.” People I had not met before came in to ask me the same questions and I gave them the same answer. Damn you stupid cast.

I was waiting to get picked up by my driver when, this girl came up to me. She pulled out a marker and wrote her name on my cast with her phone number. I look down at her name.

‘Eunseo’.

Her eyes looked like they were the night sky, I could see the whole universe in her. It felt like the whole was living inside of her. I didn’t know anything about the world. I didn’t know her. But she didn’t make me feel right. Being with her might mean mingling with the wrong people. I stop thinking about that and tried to think of something else. But it went back to Eunseo. We talked about some things and she said something really weird. She told me I was beautiful and that stopped me from breathing. I couldn’t forget the smell of her clothes. The cigarettes. Vodka mixed with orange juice. And there was only one reason. This girl was a party girl.  She walked away after saying those weird stuff to me, like nothing happened. As she walked away Sinb stood next to me while watching her walk away.

“What was that all about?” she asks staring down at my cast.

“I don’t know.”

“Who’s Eunseo?”

“Her.”

“What did she say?”

“What’s with all these questions Sinb?” I laugh at her.

“Nothing.” She says. “Waiting for your driver?”

“Yep. Should be here any minute now.”

“Graduation is just round the corner.” She blurts out.

“Yep.”

“Do you know what you’re doing?”

“Complete my parent’s assignment: Get to the top of school. Become a doctor. Slaughter all the people in my way.”

“That’s not what you want though.”

“In this family I don’t get to choose.”

“You are saying I got to choose to live this life alone?” she says.

“No you didn’t.”

“You have to fight. I think that’s what you do best.”

“But when it comes to my parents it’s so different.” I say as my driver stops in front of me. “I really do need to get a life.”

She nods. “Okay Sinb. Here is my trip to the moon.”

She stands there looking a bit sad. “Why do I feel like the moment you step into that car I…” I pulled her into a hug. I wrap my arms around her shoulders and tightly squeezed her with all my might in my one arms.

“That really hurts.” She whispered.

“Shut up you talk too much.” I squeezed her one more time. “We will graduate and get the hell out of here.” I say going into the car.

“We can go.” I say to the driver. I watch her as she waves to me smiling. I waved back at her and turned back to the front. Tears started to fall from my eyes down my cheeks. I quickly wiped it away, before my driver sees me.

“Do you want me to quickly run over on your schedule?”

“Yes please.”

“At exactly 6pm you will departure to London.”

“Is that what my father has chosen?”

“Yes.”

“Have you cancelled everything from this school?”

“Yes I have.”

“Here is your new phone, passport and documents for your stay in London.”

“Great. Shall we go eat then?”

“But Miss?”

“Yes?”

“Don’t you feel…”

“I don’t feel S.Coups-shi. I feel nothing.” He nods. That was a lie. Everything hurts and it feels like as if my life is falling apart, and nothing can stop it from falling apart. That’s it. I sink back into the leather seat and look outside the buildings running past me or am I running past them.

Life is a voyage of the oblivion and the inevitable. I will find you. That’s only if you wait for me. I’m sorry I am not telling you anything.

SINB

I am in love with you. I’m sorry.

But you don’t.

I look down at my cast.

Eunseo had written her name and number.

I just have to let you go.

A/N sh*t. Do you guys ever feel like somethimes life doesn't ever work out for you?