Jisoo used her thumbnail to chip the nail polish off her index finger while she waited for Jennie’s text message. Three little dots danced in a small white bubble, which meant that she was in the middle of typing out a reply. Jisoo felt her lungs tightening with each nervous breath. She tried scrolling through their conversation and reading past messages to distract herself, but all she could focus on was the message she sent to Jennie just a few minutes ago.

“Ok fine, you’re right,” the message read, and Jisoo had included an angry emoji. “I like Jinyoung.”

After what felt like ages, Jennie finally texted back: “Lol, girl, you weren’t fooling anyone.”

Jisoo scooped her phone up and held it close to her face to read Jennie’s blunt reply. She rolled over onto her stomach and stared at the screen, trying to think of what to text back. Of course, Jennie knows, she always knows. Even before she does, most times. The dancing dots reappeared and Jennie sent a second reply.

“I low-key think you two look really cute together,” the message said. Jisoo groaned and buried her face in the covers of her bed. Her heart was fluttering. Contradictory emotions were coursing through her like a swarm of bees. She hated that Jennie could read her so easily, but at the same time, she was thrilled that her friend approved of her feelings.

Why wouldn’t she, though? Jinyoung was perfect. Jisoo re-read Jennie’s message and thought of her fellow Inkigayo MC. Sweet, handsome, talented, hard working, kind-hearted Park Jinyoung. Jisoo remembered being selected to join the Inkigayo cast and meeting him for the first time. From the very first moment they spoke, she knew her heart wouldn’t stand a chance. 

Her phone chimed again and Jisoo looked up to read Jennie’s reply. But her stomach did a somersault realizing that it wasn’t Jennie’s name that popped up on her screen. It was Jinyoung who’d sent her a message. 

Jisoo sat up in her bed and squealed aloud with equal parts terror and delight. Jinyoung was texting her! He sent a message! She sat cross-legged on the covers and collected herself for a moment before unlocking her phone to view his message. Even before she could fully read it, she knew it would be work-related. Jinyoung always took his work very seriously, which Jisoo admired him for, but of course she sometimes wished he would contact her just to say “hello” or talk about something else. 

“Want to discuss possible concepts for upcoming special stage?” Jinyoung’s message read. “Writers want to hear our ideas.”

Jisoo clenched her eyes shut and tried to calm her racing heart before replying. In the middle of her attempts to remain calm, another chime on her phone signaled the arrival of Jennie’s third message. Jisoo let out a slow breath and started typing.

“Should we include Doyoung in this discussion?” she sent to Jinyoung. Then she switched conversations and turned back to Jennie, who had replied:

“Seriously, I think you look cute together. I bet the writers do, too, why would they keep dressing you two in couple clothes all the time?”

Jisoo blushed, thinking about all the times her stylist team at Inkigayo would dress her so that hers and Jinyoung’s outfit were coordinated. She had seem herself on TV. They really did look like a couple most weeks. She tried not to smile too big as she typed:

“Wait, u really think so?”

Her phone chimed with Jinyoung’s reply: “Doyoung’s filming something right now, I didn’t wanna bother him by blowing up his phone with messages. Got any ideas?”

Jisoo replied: “Let me hear your ideas first, I’m thinking.”

Jennie replied: “Yeah, even Lisa and Rose think so, haha. We were just discussing this the other day.”

Jisoo snorted as she typed: “Seriously? Wow, thanks for talking about me behind my back.”

Sent. Another window popped up with Jinyoung’s reply in another conversation.

“No concrete ideas yet,” his message read. “But I have some ideas about general themes we could possibly do. Like something spring-themed, or something related to family.”

Jisoo typed: “Spring might be a good one. But could be slightly repetitive since we did a seasonal theme once already?”

Jennie’s message popped up: “So when did u start liking Jinyoung? Details, pls!!!”

Jisoo fell back against her bed again, kicking her legs and clenching her eyes shut as she held her phone close to her chest. How could she even begin to explain her feelings for Jinyoung? Jisoo groaned again, feeling exasperated by how ridiculous she was being, all because of a boy. But her heart felt too full, she had began to text Jennie about it because she just couldn’t hold it in anymore. She looked at her phone again and typed:

“I don’t really know, honestly. It just sort of happened.”

Sent. Jisoo began typing another message as thoughts can rushing to her.

“Like, one day we were just co-workers hosting Inkigayo together,” she wrote. “And then we got closer and found things that we had in common, and next thing I know, I’m sitting at home or just hanging out in the practice room or doing whatever, and I suddenly think about him. And then the thoughts don’t go away for HOURS!”

Her phone chimed with another message from Jinyoung at the same time that Jennie replied:

“Wow.” Jisoo immediately began typing another message:

“Just the other day, he texted in the group chat and asked Doyoung if he still needed to borrow a DVD, and I thought about him for FOUR hours.”

“What do you think about?” Jennie replied moments later. Jisoo replied:

“I don’t know. Random stuff. Like, I wonder if he’s okay, or what he’s had to eat. I get worried ‘cause what if he’s stressed out or if his plane goes down over the Indian Ocean while doing overseas schedules?”

Sent. In the short pause between replies, Jisoo checked her other conversation thread, the one with Jinyoung. He had written: 

“That’s what I was thinking, too,” Jinyoung replied. “I was also thinking a star theme or something involving James Bond, haha.”

Jisoo was about to reply with a laughing emoji when Jennie’s reply suddenly popped up:

“Omg.”

Switching gears suddenly, Jisoo wrote:

“I always have this weird urge to call or text him just to see how he’s doing… or I have this weird urge to reveal my really deep, personal thoughts to him.”

Jennie replied: “What? That’s weird, why?”

Jisoo began to type furiously: “I don’t know. Maybe because he… he feels kind of comfortable. He makes me feel comfortable. And he’s trustworthy and reliable. He’s so nice, too. And of course, my god, he’s so cute. . I seriously have feelings for him.”

Jennie’s reply came literally 0.0975 seconds later: “YES! GO, JISOO! GO AFTER YOUR TRUE LOVE! <3”

Jisoo blushed and groaned again. “Omg, Jennie, stop.”

Jennie: “JISOO <3 JINYOUNG, #JINJI, BEST COUPLE! I SUPPORT THIS 100%! LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!”

Jinyoung sent a second message just as Jennie’s previous one made her phone ring. The amount of messages making her phone chime was beginning to make Jisoo nervous. She started banging out an exasperated reply to Jennie:

“Stop saying that!” she wrote. 

Sent. There was a short pause that made Jisoo wonder what was taking Jennie so long. Then came her reply:

“Stop saying what?” 

Jisoo typed: “Love!”

Reply: “What?”

Jisoo wrote: “I don’t know if it’s love yet! Ok? All I know right now is that I have strong feelings for him, and that I think he’s a generally wonderful person, talented and reliable and kind, handsome, but also humble and he makes me feel comfortable but at the same time, because he’s so amazing, he makes me want to be just like him, but can we really call that love yet?”

Sent. Jisoo stood up and began pacing quickly to work off her nerves. When her phone chimed again, she jumped back onto her mattress and pulled her knees up to her chest to read the response:

“I don’t know,” the message said. “But it sounds like you definitely have strong feelings for this guy?”

Jisoo groaned as she typed: “Ugh. See how crazy how I sound? How do you just casually mention that to someone? Hi, I think you’re perfect. Bye.”

Reply: “Just like that? Hehehe.”

Jisoo frowned as she typed:

“Take this a little more seriously, I am talking about baring my soul to this guy. And what if he doesn’t like me back? I’ll just end up ruining this great friendship and partnership that we already have, everything will be awkward!”

Jisoo read and re-read the message again and again after sending it. It was true. There was a measure of risk in the idea of revealing her feelings to Jinyoung. Yes, he was an amazing, wonderful, spectacular person and she could never imagine him being rude or malicious toward her for telling him how she felt. But the way things were between them now were so good. Introducing more-than-platonic feelings into the relationship might actually make it crumble and fall apart. 

Another message popped up in the thread after what felt like an eternity.

“If he’s really as great as you say he is,” the message read. “—then he’ll respect your feelings even if he doesn’t reciprocate them. But if he does, you’ll miss out on an opportunity by keeping these thoughts to yourself. Even if he doesn’t like you back, you’ll still be the beautiful, genuine, talented person that you are now.”

A second message followed:

“Take a chance.”

Jisoo’s chest felt heavy. She thought of Jinyoung and her heart fell full once more. She chewed in the inside of her cheek as she typed:

“Should I? I don’t know, I really like him, I don’t think I could take it if he rejects me. What do you think? Is it love? Should I tell him?”

Sent. 

Reply: “I don’t know. I’m actually a little bit confused. Who are we talking about?”

Jisoo guffawed. This girl, Jisoo thought, hammering out an annoyed reply.

“What, have you been asleep this entire conversation? JINYOUNG!”

Sent. And then came the reply:

“Yes?”

Jisoo was confused: “What?”

Reply: “Me?”

Jisoo froze. A frigid chill ran down her spine and throughout her whole body as she slowly forced her eyes to look down at the screen and check the name of the person she was texting. She felt her blood turn into ice as she confirmed her worst fear: she had accidentally sent all of that to Jinyoung, not Jennie.

Her phone chimed with a reply from him: “Hello? Jisoo?”

Jisoo jumped off her bed and onto her feet. Her cell phone fell to the floor of her bedroom as she paced about the room wildly. She grabbed fistfuls of her hair and screamed and cursed her own stupidity. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why was she like this? Why did she do like this? Why was she so dumb?

What do I do? What do I do?

In the heat of the moment, Jisoo collapsed onto her knees in the middle of the room and assumed a fetal position right there on the hardwood floor, ignoring the sound of her phone alerting her of Jinyoung’s messages.

That’s it, she thought. I have to leave Blackpink. I have to quit entertainment. I need to leave the country and change my name and cut my hair. There is no hope of recovery for me from the utter humiliation of this situation. My only option now is to purchase sandbags, strap them to my limbs, and then jump off Banpo Bridge. Only in death will I be able to live down the embarrassment.

Text message chimes had turned into a phone call, as she heard her phone blasting her ringtone from where it fell by the foot of her bed. Jisoo didn’t move from her fetal position on the floor. She ignored the call, let it go to her voicemail. Once the initial wave of drama had partially tided, she crawled slowly over to her phone. She turned it over slowly, checking the preview of his message:

“Was all that about me?”

, Jisoo thought. She pulled her knees into her chest and buried her face in her arms. 

What now? What now?

She looked over at her screen and saw the three dancing dots again. He was typing. Jisoo grinder her teeth nervously as she waited for what he would type next. Minute after minute passed of endless waiting, and so finally, Jisoo just grabbed her phone and typed, frantically:

“It’s a good idea, right?”

The three bouncing dots disappeared for a moment, and then they reappeared, along with a monosyllabic reply from Jinyoung:

“What?”

Jisoo tried to catch her breath as her fingers flew over the keyboard, pounding out the most absurd lie, ever, but it was the best she could do for the moment, to salvage the situation and her pride:

“For Inkigayo!” she wrote. “I was just fleshing out an idea I had for a possible special stage, haha! But it felt real right? I was thinking: what if we used “confession” as a concept for our next special stage? I mean, why not? It’s a huge theme in a lot of our songs, we can probably do a mash-up or something. Like I could sing a part of ‘Whistle’ and Doyoung could sing an NCT song, and GOT7 has a song called ‘Confession Song’ right? Good idea?”

Jisoo waited five minutes for his reply, but it felt like an hour, only to receive:

“Oh. I see.”

Jisoo put her phone down for a minute and began massaging her temples. A stress headache had suddenly assailed her. “Idiot, idiot,” she chanted to herself. Her phone lit up with his reply the next minute:

“So… all that stuff you said about the guy you liked… it was just part of this idea you had for a special stage involving confessions?”

Jisoo hurried and wrote:

“Yeah! Think of it like a… declaration of love to our fans!”

Stupid, she thought to herself, thoroughly convinced that this was the end of her friendship with Jinyoung. He replied, dryly:

“Ok.”

He didn’t reply for another five minutes and Jisoo rocked back and forth on her heels. He finally texted again:

“Generally, I like it. You should pitch it to the writers.”

She typed: “Right. I think maybe I will.”

He sent: “Right. Ok, so, job done, then?”

“I guess so.”

“Ok. I’ll see you next week, then. Goodnight.”

“Goodnit. *Goodnight!” Jisoo hit send and then dropped her phone back to the ground. She stood up and heaved in the deepest, heaviest breath she could. Done. It was over. Situation managed. That wasn’t bad was it? She was in a little trouble for a minute there, but had she managed to save it?

Her phone lit up one last time, making Jisoo panic. It was Jinyoung again. Jisoo sighed as she unlocked her phone to read his message:

“Jisoo?” it said. She pressed her lips into a tight line as she typed slowly:

“Yes?”

She held her breath as the three circles appeared again. They bounced across her screen for two minutes, and then three minutes and then five. Jisoo’s anxiety grew and grew with every passing second that he spent typing. But in the end, the three dots disappeared. They were suddenly replaced by a short message that could not have taken five minutes to draft. All it said was:

“Nevermind. Goodnight.”

{to be continued}